crash & burn
by splendidlyimperfect
Summary: When Gray's therapist makes him attend a program for troubled youth, he's not impressed. Then he meets Natsu, a charismatic boy with pink hair and piercings who's larger than life, and Gray starts to fall in love. But when the dark parts of Natsu's past start to catch up with him, it's up to Gray to try and pick up the pieces.
1. new beginnings & unwelcome complications

_TW for homophobic language_

* * *

 _i was born in the arms of imaginary friends_  
 _free to roam, made a home out of everywhere i've been_  
 _then you come crashing in, like the realest thing  
_ \- half of my heart, john mayer

"Those things are gonna kill you, y'know."

Gray flicked his cigarette and watched the ash tumble to the ground before he looked over at the boy leaning against the brick wall next to him.

"The fuck do you care?" Gray took another drag, savoring the burning sensation and the taste behind his teeth. He kicked a rock away from him, toward the boy, and scowled.

"Just seems like a stupid habit," the boy replied. He flashed Gray a grin, catching his lip ring between his teeth. Gray rolled his eyes.

"Fuck off and keep your opinions to yourself," Gray muttered, inhaling once more and then throwing the butt to the ground, grinding it out beneath the toe of his sneakers. He pulled his phone from his pocket and glanced at the time.

"You here for the group too?" The boy, seemingly unperturbed by Gray's rudeness, leaned back against the wall. Gray turned and took a better look at him. Torn jeans, wild pink hair, eyebrow piercing, black hoodie. This guy was ridiculously attractive. Not that it mattered.

"Maybe," Gray replied. He knew he was being difficult, but he didn't care. All he wanted was to go home, take a couple painkillers, then pass out on his couch. His shoulder was already burning and it wasn't even lunchtime.

"I'm Natsu." The boy stuck out his hand and Gray looked at it contemptuously.

"Bless you," he deadpanned, and Natsu actually laughed, withdrawing the hand and running it through his hair.

"Well, I guess I'll see you in there." Natsu grinned, swinging his backpack over his shoulder and tossing Gray a wave as he headed into the building.

Gray sighed, rubbing his face and wishing he had enough time for another cigarette. As loathe as he was to admit it, the boy – Natsu – was right. He really should quit, but it was a coping mechanism, and _healthy_ coping mechanisms were for… well, other people. Which was precisely the reason his sister and his therapist had suggested – rather forcefully – that Gray attend this program. Therapy _and_ enough credits to finally finish high school. Yay.

Gray shoved his hands in his hoodie pockets and caught the door with his foot, stepping into the Youth Center and looking around. It wasn't actually that bad, but Gray was bitter. He should have been long finished with this shit. Fucking Lyon. Gray's hands tensed at the thought of his brother – no, that man had no relation to him anymore. He could rot in prison for all Gray cared.

 _Here goes_ , Gray thought, ducking into the common room as quietly as possible. It was a large, sunny area, populated with couches and bean bag chairs. A couple kids were already here – Natsu was sitting next to a blonde girl with dark circles under her eyes. And in the far corner was—

"Gajeel," Gray growled. Gajeel looked up, sneering at Gray. Piercings decorated almost every inch of his face, and he even had microdermals down his arms, which gave Gray the creeps.

"The fuck are you doin' here?" Gajeel snarled. He stood up, towering over Gray by nearly six inches, and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "How's your _brother_ doin'?"

"He's not my brother," Gray muttered, ignoring Gajeel's threatening stance and hopping up on the windowsill ledge. "He's just another asshole who screwed up my life." Gray could see that Natsu and the girl were staring at them now, and he forced himself to avoid eye contact.

"What're you lookin' at, fag?" Gajeel rounded on Natsu and sneered at him, and Gray didn't miss the flinch that crossed Natsu's face. The girl looked furious, but she stayed quiet.

"The fuck, man?" The words left Gray's mouth before he could stop them, and Natsu looked at him in surprise. Gajeel's head whipped back to Gray as well, his lip curled in snarl.

"Oh what, you a queer too?" Gajeel growled. Gray rolled his eyes.

"Is that seriously the best you can do?" Gray raised one eyebrow. "Gay jokes? That's pathetic."

"I'll show you path—" Gajeel's snarl was interrupted by a sweet, high voice entering the room.

"Good afternoon, everyone!"

They all turned to see a tall woman with silvery-white hair and a clipboard clutched to her chest walk into the room. She smiled at the four of them, ignoring the obvious tension, then made her way to a beanbag chair near the window.

"We're just going to wait a few minutes for the rest of the group to show up and then we'll get started," she said. "Feel free to sit anywhere you'd like!"

"This isn't over," Gajeel whispered fiercely, glaring at Gray.

"You can't touch me, asshole," Gray replied, crossing his arms and leaning back against the window. "You gotta pass this so your probation officer will let you get back to your _girl_ , right?" Gajeel's face twisted in fury, but Gray noticed he didn't step closer.

"Ah, fuck you," Gajeel grumbled finally, moving back to his corner of the room and slumping into a chair.

Gray breathed a silent sigh of relief, closing his eyes and tipping his head back against the window. It wasn't that he cared if people knew he occasionally fucked guys. People could think whatever the hell they wanted. Gray just wanted to make it through this stupid program with as little trouble as possible, get his credits, and get his goddamn high school diploma. And Gajeel, as Gray had realized several years ago, liked to complicate things.

Natsu, apparently, was going to be another complication. Gray sighed. He wouldn't necessarily say he had a _type_ of boy that he liked – the handful he'd been with weren't the kind you would bring home to your parents (not that he had those, either). But if he _did_ have a type, Natsu would be it. Plus, Gajeel was an idiot, but he probably wasn't wrong about Natsu being gay. So much for not making any attachments here. _Goddamnit_.

Gray opened his eyes, realizing that a few other people had entered the room. A tall, blond boy who about Gray's age was scowling at them from near the door, and a thin girl with brown hair and a bored expression was nestled a safe distance away from everyone else. Sitting on the other side of Natsu was a girl with a sleeve tattoo, almost as many piercings as Gajeel, and bright red hair. She looked strangely familiar.

"All right, looks like we're all here." Twisting her silver hair up into a bun, the woman by the window stood up, leaning against the sill. She glanced over her clipboard, then smiled at the room. "Welcome to Creative Expressions. My name is Miss Strauss, but you can call me Mira. Now, I'm not naïve – I know that you aren't all here by choice – but I do expect everyone to behave. If you all show up to each class and follow the rules, you'll all get your credits and we'll all be happy."

"The program will run daily for the next eight weeks, with the exception of Winter Break. I expect you to be here for each class unless you run it by me ahead of time." Mira brushed her hair out of her face and looked around at each of them. "I know we all have things going on in our lives, and I am sympathetic to those issues. I am happy to work out alternative solutions if you are willing to cooperate with me."

Nobody said anything, but Gray noticed that nobody was grumbling or glaring either. Well, except Gajeel, but Gray was pretty sure that was just what his face looked like.

"We're going to be exploring various types of creative methods as a form of therapy," Mira continued. "Some examples might be painting, writing poetry, playing music, and sculpting. Each week we'll be exploring a different theme." Mira shuffled the papers on her clipboard until she found a list of names. "I'm going to ask you to go around and give me your name, and tell us one interesting thing about yourself. If you're not comfortable sharing, feel free to pass." Mira pointed at the brown-haired girl to begin.

"I'm Cana," the girl said, chewing her lip nervously. "I, uh, read tarot cards." Mira nodded, smiling, then turned to the blond boy.

"Laxus," he grunted. "Pass."

And then it was Gray's turn. He felt his stomach twist a bit as everyone turned to look at him. For some reason, he found himself staring directly at Natsu, who gave him a wide grin. Gray's face felt hot, suddenly.

"I'm, uh, Gray," he mumbled. What was something interesting about him? He could just pass, but for some reason he felt the need to say something. "I can, um, play the piano." Natsu's face broke into an enormous smile that made Gray's stomach feel funny in a not-unpleasant way.

"Music is a beautiful form of self-expression," Mira said, smiling at Gray. "And what about yourself?" She gestured to Gajeel.

"Gajeel," he said. "I got thirty-seven piercings." Gray rolled his eyes – as if that was interesting _or_ something to be proud of.

"I'm Erza," the redhead with the sleeve tattoo said. "I have my black belt in karate and I play the drums." She gave Gray a knowing look as she said it, and he frowned at her uncertainly.

The blonde girl went next, and Gray noticed Natsu nudging her encouragingly. Were they an item? That would make life slightly less complicated – then Gray could just stare at Natsu from a distance.

"My name is Lucy," she said softly, playing with the hem of her shirt. "I have a son named Kaden, he's six months old."

Gray blinked – Lucy looked like she couldn't be older than sixteen. Then again, everyone was here for different reasons.

"That's wonderful!" Mira smiled at Lucy. "If you have any pictures of him, I'd love to see them later. I love babies!" Lucy looked encouraged, and nodded.

Natsu was last, and to Gray's surprise, he seemed apprehensive about it. He pulled the sleeves of his sweatshirt down over his hands and looked at the floor as he talked.

"I'm Natsu. My name's Japanese, it means _summer._ Which is my least favorite season so I guess that's kinda interesting."

 _Mine too_ , thought Gray, then told his internal monologue to shut the hell up.

"Well, I'm happy to meet everyone!" Mira placed her clipboard on the counter behind her, then turned to the group and gazed at them seriously. "Now, I know you've all been through things that are difficult, or traumatic, or scary." Nobody moved. "When we write, or paint, or make music about those things, it can bring up a lot of emotions. If you feel overwhelmed by any project we work on, please come and speak to me. Feel free to step into another room and take care of yourself. You need to walk the line between challenging yourself and pushing yourself too hard."

Gray groaned internally. Why did everyone want him to talk about his feelings? He knew what he felt. Angry, betrayed, bitter, and in constant pain. No amount of _painting_ was going to change that. Even Lyon being sentenced to twenty-five years in prison didn't change that. Gray was beginning to think the anger was going to be a permanent fixture in his life.

"We're going to start off today with a personal journaling exercise," Mira continued. "I'm going to give two prompts, and I'd like you to write down your responses. When everyone is finished, we'll share our answers." Laxus snorted, but Mira just smiled in response. "I know that sometimes it's difficult to speak up in these kinds of settings, so you will have the option to pass twice per week. Other than that, participation is expected, unless we discuss it ahead of time."

Mira moved up to a whiteboard at the front of the and began writing.

Gray sighed and pulled his notebook out of his backpack, wincing as the movement aggravated his shoulder. Sitting up here wasn't great for his side either - the pain was starting to radiate down his leg. But the only spot was next to Erza...

"Wait, _Scarlet?"_ he said incredulously. Gray slipped down from the windowsill and dropped into the seat closest to Erza, on the other side of Natsu. She grinned at Gray.

"Finally recognized me, huh?" she said. Gray blinked a few times.

"Well I wasn't expecting to – and your hair, and you changed your name – wait, how do you two know each other?" Gray looked over at Natsu, who seemed puzzled.

"How do _you_ two know each other?" Natsu replied, chewing on the end of his pen. Gray felt his face flush. He had met Erza years ago, when she went by 'Scarlet'. She had been dating Jellal, who had been involved with Lyon's group of friends, which wasn't something Gray wanted to talk about with this uncomfortably attractive guy he barely knew.

"Old friends," Erza interrupted easily, smiling at Gray as the discomfort disappeared from his face. He thanked her silently. "And Natsu and I have a... well, I wouldn't call it a band, but the beginning of a band." Gray noticed the battered guitar case resting on the floor beside Natsu's chair.

"That's why I was stoked when you said you could play the piano!" Natsu said. The enthusiasm in his voice was contagious, and Gray found himself half-smiling. "You could totally come play with us after group! They've got a piano here and everything."

"I... well..." Gray stammered, realizing suddenly that he was doing exactly what he said he wasn't going to do, which was make friends. "I can't stick around today." It wasn't untrue. His meds were at home, and if he was in this much pain now, he wasn't even sure he could handle the rest of the group. Natsu looked disappointed, and before Gray could think, he added, "How about tomorrow?" The smile he got was like looking into the sun.

 _Fuck._

"All right everyone, journaling time!" Mira clapped her hands to get everyone's attention, and Gray glanced up at the board. Two sentences were written in a neat, cursive font.

 _What I really want is..._  
 _What I really need is..._

Gray sighed as everyone shifted uncomfortably, then he leaned over his journal and began to write.


	2. wants and needs

_TW for homophobic language_

* * *

 _she says that love is for fools that fall behind_  
 _and i'm somewhere between  
_ _i never really know a killer from a savior  
_ \- fuel, "shimmer"

Natsu chewed the end of his pen and stared at the neatly printed words on the whiteboard, tapping his foot against his chair. Lucy kicked his shin and he stopped, pouting. He stole a covert glance over at Gray, who was frowning and scrawling something in his notebook.

 _What I really want is this hot guy's phone number,_ Natsu wrote, grinning. _And maybe a date where I can get him to smile._ He paused, realizing that this probably wasn't the goal of the exercise and scratching out the words. He doodled in the margin of the page, trying to come up with a real answer. _What I really want is somewhere not-shitty to spend Christmas this year,_ he thought. _I wish Lucy's dad would still let me come over._

Something twisted in his chest as he thought of Lucy's face, looking crestfallen as she told him that her father didn't think he was safe to be around Kaden anymore. Natsu shook the memory away, tapping his pen against the back of his hand.

 _What I really need is… a new home. Also probably my meds but I can't afford them so maybe money I guess. Don won't pay for them 'cause he says it's not a real disease and I'm just being a drama queen but honestly if anyone is a drama queen it's him._ Natsu popped the end of the pen back into his mouth, shifting in his seat until Gray turned and glared at him. It seemed like a half-hearted glare, but still.

 _A better attention span would be great too but that's part of the meds thing 'cause I think I'm manic. Actually I know I'm manic. I dunno what I'm gonna do when I crash. I haven't really slept in like a week._ Natsu sighed, drumming his fingers on the edge of his notebook and staring at the messy, misspelled sentences. He hated writing. It took so long to get the words on paper – they flowed so much faster in his head.

He looked up again, trying not to be obvious about staring at Gray, who was curled up in the beanbag chair, long legs folded awkwardly beneath him, long fingers curled around his pen. Natsu could almost see what Gray was writing from here, but he didn't want to risk Gray's wrath. A soft, pained noise made Natsu frown, and he noticed Gray wince and grab his shoulder. Natsu considered asking if he was okay, but had a feeling it wouldn't be well received.

Something about Gray appealed to him. Even though he smoked, and glared, and was kind of a jackass, Natsu wanted to get to know him better. The fact that he'd moved over to sit with them was an encouraging start, even it _was_ only to talk to Erza. And that whole thing about them being old friends was bullshit because Natsu had been going to school with Erza since kindergarten and he'd never heard about or seen Gray before in his life. He would have remembered those eyes.

"Pay attention, dumbass." Those eyes were currently glaring at Natsu as Gray kicked his ankle, forcing Natsu to snap out of his daydream and pay attention to Mira. He flashed Gray a smile and Gray didn't scowl back. Small victories.

"Laxus, would you please start us off?" Mira seemed unfazed by the glare on Laxus' face, and Natsu could tell that Laxus was trying to weigh whether or not this was the assignment he should pass on. After a moment Laxus sighed, then stared down at his notebook.

"What I really want," he said gruffly, "is to not be here." Cana giggled, but Laxus' face remained serious. "I want to be out with my friends instead of here in this stupid program." Mira didn't react, but he still glanced up at her and muttered, "sorry."

"All feelings are valid," Mira replied, "even the angry ones. You need to allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you're feeling, and accept it for what it is." Laxus grunted, and Mira gestured for him to continue.

"What I really need is…" Laxus faltered and his voice went quiet. "What I really need is to go live with Gramps instead of my dad." He looked like he might elaborate, but instead slammed his notebook shut. Mira smiled at him.

"Thank you, Laxus," she said. "I know how difficult it is to share those kinds of things with strangers." Laxus nodded tersely, and Mira turned to Gajeel, who rolled his eyes and gestured to pass. Mira nodded respectfully, then looked at Cana.

"What I really want right now is a drink," Cana admitted honestly. Natsu peered at her, noticed her shaking hands and the way she was licking her lips. "What I really need is to find a healthier way of dealing with shit." That brought an empathetic smile to Mira's face.

Now it was Erza's turn. "What I really want is to be playing music and ignoring my responsibilities." That got a laugh out of a few people. "What I really need is to learn how to set better boundaries."

"What I really want is to go home to Kaden," Lucy almost-whispered. "What I need is to be more assertive with my dad."

Natsu realized he was going to be last again – it was Gray's turn now, and Gray was staring at his notebook with a kind of angry intensity that Natsu recognized very well. Gray's face was still tight with pain, and he was chewing his lip.

"What I really want," he began, his voice quiet, "is for people to stop fucking asking me if I'm okay." A murmur of assent rolled through everyone in the room, Natsu included. "What I really need…"

Gray reached up and ran a hand through his hair, and Natsu couldn't stop himself from staring, wishing it could be his fingers in Gray's hair instead. He wondered if Gray knew how attractive he was, because he really –

"What I really need is to let my sister help me."

Natsu blinked. Gray had a sister? Of course he did, people had siblings all the time, this really _wasn't the sort of thing to get worked up about, Jesus Christ brain, shut the fuck up_. Natsu tucked his hands into the sleeves of his sweater, then realized that the room was quiet and everyone was looking at him.

 _Oh shit._ Now it was his turn, and he had written about wanting Gray's phone number, which probably wasn't the best thing to admit out loud in this class.

"Uh… what I, um, really want…" Natsu tapped his fingers against the palm of his hand. "Is, um… for people to trust me." Natsu frowned at himself, surprised at the admission. He refused to look up, because he knew that Lucy's face would be full of guilt, and he didn't think he could handle that right now.

"What I need is…" There was no way he was admitting the meds thing out loud. What could he say that wouldn't make Gray think he was crazy? To be fair, Natsu was crazy. And as soon as Gray found out about the brain-thing and the Darkness, he'd be long gone. Not that he was going to stick around anyway. Still. "Um, a good night's sleep. I haven't really been sleeping well lately."

A roaring sound filled Natsu's ears as his face flushed with embarrassment, and he didn't hear Mira's response or what she said next. He was too busy chewing on his fingernails and trying not to look at Gray.

As it turned out, Mira was asking them to head to the art room, which was an enormous, sunny area with one wall that was almost entirely made up of windows. Gray hopped up onto the windowsill almost immediately, and Natsu pushed aside the disappointed feeling and settled himself as close as he could to Gray without seeming awkward.

"The topic of this week is going to be resilience," Mira said, writing the word on the flip chart at the front of the classroom. "Does anyone know what that means?" A predictable silence filled the room. "In the world of mental health, 'resilience' refers to the ability to adapt well in the face of adversity, trauma, or significant sources of stress." She began to jot some of those words down on the board.

Natsu slipped a hand into his backpack and tugged out his sketchbook. It was one of the only nice things he owned – a heavy leather cover and a hundred thick pages to write and draw on. He grabbed two of his pencils, tucked one in his teeth, and used the other to start sketching Gray.

"I'm going to describe a scenario, and then we're going to do an activity together." Mira's voice continued in the background, but Natsu was focused on the sharp lines of Gray's jaw, the soft curve of his shoulder, the angle of his knees against his chest. Natsu knew that Lucy – who had ended up sitting behind him – could probably see what he was doing, but he didn't care. She knew that Natsu was gay, and if she couldn't see that Gray was attractive, then she was obviously blind.

"I want you all to close your eyes and picture yourself, lost at sea on a stormy night." Natsu snorted quietly, fairly certain that his psychiatrist had done this exercise with him before, unsuccessfully. "You see a glimmer of light leading you to land. If you row hard, you will make it. Someone waits for you with a warm meal, dry clothes, and a place to rest."

Glancing up from where he had erased parts of his drawing, Natsu was taken aback by how open Gray's face was when his eyes were closed. Natsu quickly sketched it, tracing the soft line of Gray's lashes and the gentle curve of his frown.

Then Gray's eyes opened and he stared directly at Natsu. The lines between Gray's eyes deepened a bit, but it wasn't anger on his face, merely curiosity. Natsu felt something begin to bubble in his stomach, and a blush crept up into his cheeks. He bit his lip ring nervously, refusing to be the one to drop eye contact.

"You're sketching, then?" Gray finally spoke. Natsu blinked at Gray for a moment, then glanced around and realized that the other students were grabbing art supplies. He looked down at his half-finished sketch of Gray and felt his blush deepening.

"Uh… yeah," He stammered. "Sketch. Is what I like… to do." _Jesus Christ, that was smooth._ Gray raised an eyebrow, hopping down from the ledge. Natsu turned to a blank page in his sketchbook faster than he thought was humanly possible, letting out a sigh of relief when Gray didn't seem to notice. He looked around, hoping to get some clue as to what it was that they were doing – he didn't want to admit that he'd missed the instructions because he'd been distracted by Gray's eyelashes.

"Natsu, give me some of your artistic ability," Erza complained as she flopped down beside Natsu, breaking the awkward tension and giving Natsu room to breathe again. He turned to stare at Erza. "I don't even know what the hell a lighthouse looks like," she grumbled.

Lighthouse. Right. _That_ he could handle.

* * *

Lucy waved to Natsu as she took off across the parking lot toward her father's car, and Natsu felt an ache in his chest. Kaden was probably in there, and Natsu wasn't allowed to see him anymore. Thinking about it made a fire grow over the ache.

Natsu had been there when Lucy found out she was pregnant, when she'd broken up with her dumbass boyfriend Loke, even when she went into labor. Natsu had held Kaden when he was only hours old, sitting in the hospital next to Lucy while she was on the phone with her father, who was in Singapore for a business trip.

Before the Darkness came along, Natsu had been a major fixture in Kaden's life, and now it had been a month without even seeing Kaden. Natsu sighed, kicking at the rocks in the parking lot and checking his phone. He had already missed the bus, but it wasn't a particularly cold night tonight, and he considered just staying in the park again. It wasn't like he was going to sleep anyway.

"Hey, asshole."

A hard shove between Natsu's shoulder blades sent him tumbling onto the ground, palms stinging as they scraped across the asphalt. Natsu staggered back onto his feet, turning and glaring at the person who'd pushed him – Gajeel.

"The fuck do you want?" Natsu growled. Gajeel just sneered at him, arms crossed against his chest.

"Heard you got some pills," he said. Natsu's heart almost stopped. How the hell had Gajeel found out about that? The ones he'd stolen from Don were long gone, but he still had a small container of Ativan in his bag – six pills, that he had been keeping for emergencies. He suddenly felt very self-conscious of the quiet rattling in his backpack.

"Maybe you'd better get your ears checked, moron." Natsu's voice came out braver than he felt, and Gajeel snarled at him.

"Hey, if you're gonna be a bitch about it..." Gajeel, who was much taller than Natsu, stalked over and grabbed at Natsu's backpack. Natsu snarled and dodged out of the way, but Gajeel was stronger and managed to pin him up against the wall. A squeak escaped Natsu's mouth as Gajeel grabbed him by the front of his sweater and lifted him up off the ground.

"You never learn, huh?"

A bored-sounding voice caused Gajeel to turn away just long enough for Natsu to bite his hand. Gajeel swore, pushing Natsu to the ground by his throat. Natsu looked up to see Gray standing behind Gajeel, arms crossed over his chest, face drawn in irritation. Natsu was glad that Gray's scowl wasn't directed at him.

"You just think you're so much fuckin' better than us 'cause you left," Gajeel growled, ignoring Natsu completely now. "Maybe Lyon should'a—"

Before Gajeel could finish his sentence, Gray's fist flew directly into his face, knocking him backward and down onto the ground. Blood poured from Gajeel's nose, and he started swearing around it.

"Don't you _ever_ talk about that prick to me again," Gray snarled, fist still bunched and slightly bloody. "Or I will do _much, much worse_ than break your goddamn nose."

Gajeel tried to say something, and Gray stalked over to him and pressed a foot into Gajeel's sternum, enough to make him swear even harder. "Who do you think they'll believe?" he growled.

"Fuck… you," Gajeel spat. Gray inched his sneaker up higher, toward Gajeel's throat, and leaned over him, almost conversationally.

"Was I acting in self-defense?" Gray asked. Natsu blinked for a second before he realized that the question was directed at him.

"Y-yeah," he said, standing up slowly and dusting off his bag.

"Look at that," Gray said, smiling coldly at Gajeel. "Now, get the fuck out of here and don't let me hear another goddamn word from you about Lyon." Gray backed up a step toward Natsu, glaring as Gajeel stood and wiped blood from his face. "I'd get that looked at, if I were you."

Gajeel hesitated for a moment, then muttered something under his breath and took off out of the parking lot.

"Th-thank you," Natsu said quietly, still clutching his backpack tightly to his chest. Gray shook his head.

"It's fine." He rubbed his knuckles, and Natsu absently noticed that he was left-handed. Gray looked up at him and appeared to be contemplating something. "You need a ride?"


	3. sunshine and snowflakes

_let me show you what it's like to never feel_  
 _like i'm good enough for anything that's real  
_ \- imagine dragons, "zero"

Natsu talked a _lot_. As soon as he slid into the passenger seat of Gray's shitty Buick, Natsu filled the car with his voice. He talked about the car, then about his own dream car, then about music and how Gray should definitely join their band that wasn't really a band, then asked what kind of music Gray liked, and maybe Natsu could put a playlist on his phone, and then about Lucy… on and on, jumping from topic to topic until Gray felt dizzy.

"…and he wasn't even in the same fucking country when his grandson was born! But somehow _I'm_ the irresponsible one." Natsu bit his thumb, and Gray looked sideways at him. He could tell that Natsu was bitter about not being able to see Kaden, but wasn't sure he was willing to ask what happened.

"Does your tongue ever go numb from all that talking?" Gray asked instead. He'd meant for it to be somewhat teasing, but he immediately worried that it came across as rude. Luckily, Natsu just laughed.

"It probably would eventually," Natsu admitted, shifting in his seat and drumming his fingers along the door handle. "Usually I get told to shut up before now. Or people just stop listening." Gray snorted. "You can tell me to shut up if you want, I won't get offended." Natsu wriggled again, this time leaning so that he was facing Gray.

"It's… uh, it's fine," Gray said, pulling to a stop at a red light. He could practically _feel_ the energy vibrating off of Natsu. "Did Gajeel hurt you?"

Natsu shook his head. "Nah, just being an ass. That was a pretty impressive punch, though!" Gray smiled a little at that, still feeling the sting of his split knuckles.

"He had it coming," he said. The light turned green and he urged the car forward.

"Where do you know him from?" Natsu asked. Gray tensed, even though he could tell that the question was only meant conversationally. "Did you guys go to the same school?"

"Something like that," Gray replied vaguely. He tapped his fingers on the steering wheel, gritting his teeth against the dull, aching pain that was spreading from his shoulder down his back. It has been getting worse as the day went on, and now it was nearly intolerable. Why the hell had he offered Natsu a ride? He needed to get home and get his meds. "What'd he want from you?"

"J-just being a jerk," Natsu replied, ears pink and voice hesitant. Gray shrugged, he wasn't going to pry. "Y'know, pick on the gay kid, I guess."

"Well, he got two of us," Gray replied, ignoring Natsu's surprised glance. It might as well be out in the open. "I'm mean, I'm bi, but I don't care if anybody knows about me, and that asshole can eat a bag of dicks."

Natsu stared at Gray for a moment, then burst out laughing. Full-body, chest-shaking, noisy laughs that brought tears to his eyes. Gray tried to remain stoic, but Natsu's cheer seemed to be contagious, and he found himself snickering as well.

"A bag… _hah_ … of dicks!" Natsu giggled, wiping tears from his eyes and looking over at Gray with a silly grin on his face. Gray rolled his eyes, but his lip curled up in amusement.

"So, where am I taking you?" Gray asked. He realized that he'd never actually asked Natsu where he lived, and that he'd been unconsciously heading toward his own apartment the entire time.

"Um, anywhere is fine…" Natsu said uncertainly. Gray turned to see Natsu chewing his thumbnail again. "I'm… not really ready to go home yet." He darted a glance over and met Gray's eyes for a second. "But I know you said you were busy tonight and you probably have to get home, so seriously you can even just drop me right here if you'd like, if that's easiest…"

 _Goddamn he is gorgeous_ , Gray thought as he listened to Natsu ramble. Natsu's thumb rested on his lower lip as he spoke, other hand tapping an erratic rhythm on his thigh. Gray had to blink and force himself to look back at the road.

 _It would be easiest to just drop him off here and end this,_ one part of his brain said. _Remember what happens when you get close to people?_ As if on cue, the nerves in his shoulder fired a particularly nasty spasm down his side. He couldn't hold in the pained grunt it elicited.

"Hey, are you okay?" Natsu asked, frowning. Gray gritted his teeth, refusing to look at the likely-concerned expression on Natsu's face, and nodded shortly. They were still moving towards his own apartment, passing familiar shops and street signs.

 _It's not going to kill you to spend time with him,_ _another part of his brain argued_ _. Ask him if he wants to go to a movie_. Gray hesitated, caught in indecision. On the one hand, Ultear and his therapist would be thrilled that he made a friend. On the other hand, he _had_ punched a guy to cement said friendship, and Gray would probably like to do more than friendship-like things to Natsu if they got too close. _Fuck_.

"Seriously, are you okay?" Natsu asked again. "You're super white. Are you gonna throw up?" Gray gripped the steering wheel harder as they rounded the corner to his apartment, pulling into the parking area on the street. He took a couple of deep breaths, then turned to face Natsu.

"I'm fine," Gray said, wanting to snap at him to _mind your goddamn business_ , but getting lost in the intensity of Natsu's eyes. "Just a headache." Natsu gave him a look that said _I know you're full of shit_ , but Gray ignored it.

"Where are we?" Natsu turned and looked out the window, whistling at the view of the ocean down the road ahead of them.

"Uh… home," Gray said, flustered. He could feel heat creeping up his face and into his cheeks and he hated himself for it. "Listen, do… do you mind waiting here a sec?" Natsu looked confused. "I just gotta grab something from upstairs and then I'll take you home." There was no way he was making it any further with this pain searing down his side.

"Don't worry about it, I can walk from here!" Natsu grinned at Gray, as if he weren't at all unnerved by Gray's strange behavior.

"You live close by?" Gray asked curiously, but Natsu just kept smiling. He grabbed the door handle and pushed himself out of the car as Gray did the same.

"Something like that," Natsu replied. He hefted his bag onto his back, then pulled a phone from his back pocket. It was an old, barely functioning flip phone, and Gray snorted when he saw it.

"What a piece of shit," he said. A minute burst of hurt flashed across Natsu's face before he laughed out loud and nodded his head, flipping it open and closed a few times.

"Definitely," he agreed. "Can I, uh, get your number?" Gray's heart did a little cartwheel. "Y'know, for like, band practice or jamming or whatever." Natsu looked down at the ground, cheeks pink.

"Y-yeah," Gray stammered, reaching out to grab the phone. He opened it and poked a few buttons curiously. "I… may not know how to use this." Natsu laughed, reaching out to take the device. As Gray passed it back, his sleeve lifted up slightly, revealing a small, simple snowflake tattooed on his wrist.

"Sweet!" Natsu exclaimed, gripping Gray's wrist and pushing his sleeve up further to get better look. Two larger flakes trailed up Gray's forearm, blending into the first. Gray's face flushed and he fought the urge to pull his arm away. "Those look great – did you get them done here?" Gray nodded, trying to remain still as Natsu ran his soft, warm fingers over Gray's wrist. "What do they mean?"

Gray froze, words stuck in his throat.

 _Four-year-old Gray stumbled on his skates, landing on his knees in the middle of the small, frozen pond. A woman with soft, dark hair and cheeks pink with cold bent down, reaching out to Gray and placing him back on his feet._

 _"Merci, maman," Gray said, holding her hands as she skated backwards, pulling him along behind her. Huge, soft snowflakes fell from the sky, landing on his tongue, and he closed his eyes, feeling the winter air press against his cheeks._

 _"Quel grand garçon!" a deep, gentle voice said. Gray turned, and there was his father, smiling widely, hair full of snow, holding his arms out towards his son._

 _"Non," whispered Gray's mother in his ear. "T'es mon petit flocon de neige."_

"Little snowflake," Gray whispered. _Petit flocon de neige._

"Snowflake, huh?" Natsu seemed to either have not noticed or was ignoring Gray's slightly pained expression. "I like it." He took the phone, typed something into it, and then passed it back to Gray. "Just put your number in there."

Gray glanced down at the screen, still feeling slightly dizzy. Natsu had typed SNOWFLAKE, then left room for Gray's number. Gray punched in the numbers slowly, trying to navigate how he felt about Natsu using that nickname. It felt like it should sting, but instead it only made him feel warm and slightly wistful. He decided he didn't mind.

"Awesome, well, I'll…" Natsu paused. "I'll harass you about your smoking habits tomorrow!" Gray snorted, then waved as Natsu practically skipped down the sidewalk towards the beach.

As soon as Natsu was out of sight, Gray dashed across the lawn and took the steps to his apartment two at a time. The pain was peaking now, too far gone to just use the stuff he took on a daily basis. The neurologist had spent months tweaking Gray's medications, switching them and balancing them, until they came to something that helped him return to something resembling normalcy. His regular meds kept it mostly manageable, but he'd taken those this morning and the pain was almost intolerable now. The stress was obviously fucking him up.

Gray slid his key into the lock and kicked the door open, dashing to the bathroom and grabbing the bottle of painkillers. He popped two in his mouth and washed them down with a glass of water, making a face at the taste. Usually they made him sleepy, but at least it would kick in quickly.

"Hey, Happy," Gray said as a furry tail swiped over his jeans. He bent down to pick up the cat that was purring at his feet, and it batted at his nose. He'd named it Happy to be ironic, since his sister had given it to him when he was in the lowest pit of his depression, but he'd actually come to love the thing. "Were you lonely all day?" Happy _mrowled_ at Gray and he laughed. "Well, then, I guess we'd better make some supper then."

Gray set Happy back onto the floor, then gazed at himself in the mirror, running a hand through his hair. _What the fuck am I doing_? he thought, picturing Natsu's smile, the warmth of his hand against Gray's wrist, the way he just talked and talked and Gray didn't even mind. _What am I getting myself into?_

Gray's phone pinged in his pocket, and he pulled it out.

 _hey snowflake, just makin sure u didnt give me a fake number._

Gray snorted, swiping across the screen. He was tempted to save the number under some ridiculous nickname, but nothing came to mind, and when he finally typed 'Natsu' into his phone, his stomach felt strange. He typed and deleted several messages before finally sending one.

 _Nope, you're stuck with me._

Gray cursed himself for being so ridiculously unoriginal, then shoved his phone into his back pocket and made his way into the kitchen. He opened the fridge door and stood in front of it for several minutes, glaring at its contents. Finally, he slammed it shut and stared at Happy, who had prowled in and was rubbing himself on Gray's ankles.

"We're ordering takeout," Gray announced, pulling out his phone again and flopping down on the couch. Happy quickly followed, folding himself into a neat ball on Gray's stomach. Gray would never admit it, but sometimes the vibrations from Happy purring helped to soothe the pain in his side. He scratched Happy's ears as he thumbed through his app, settling on Chinese takeout when a message from Natsu popped up.

 _could be worse, could be stuck with gajeel and his bag of dicks._

Gray snorted with laughter and Happy meowed at him, fidgeting unhappily.

 _Glad I rate higher than a bag of dicks_ , Gray replied, shaking his head. He set his phone down beside him and leaned his head back into the cushions. The meds were starting to work and the pain was fading, a cute boy was texting him, he had a purring cat on his lap, and Chinese food was on its way. Maybe life wasn't so bad after all.

* * *

 **French Translations**

Merci, Maman = Thank you, mom  
Quel grand garçon! = What a big boy!  
Tu es mon petit flocon de neige = You're my little snowflake


	4. curiouser and curiouser

_you're so mean when you talk  
_ _about yourself, you were wrong  
_ _change the voices in your head  
_ _make them like you instead  
_ \- pink, "fuckin' perfect"

The next day, Natsu showed just in time to harass Gray, who stood in the smoking area without actually smoking. He looked grumpy, hands shoved deep in his pockets and a pensive scowl on his face.

"You took my advice and gave up?" Natsu grinned, sliding across the railing in front of Gray and kicking out his feet. Gray gave him an exasperated glare.

"Ran out," he muttered irritably. "Not worth it anyway, too expensive."

Natsu nodded, yanking out his earbuds and draping them around his neck. He felt grungy this morning – likely the result of sleeping in the park again and wearing the same clothes for three days in a row. After being caught by a security guard at two in the morning, he had ended up spending the rest of the night in a twenty-four-hour diner, drinking cup after cup of shitty coffee. Natsu ran his tongue along the back of his teeth – his mouth felt fuzzy.

"You look like hell," Gray commented, eyes roaming over Natsu's wayward hair. "You forget how to use a brush or something?" Natsu snorted, running a hand through his hair in an attempt to tame it.

"Natsu!" Lucy's voice rang out from the parking lot, and Natsu turned to see her – carrying Kaden! Natsu jumped up and dashed over to her, peering over her shoulder for her father. "Dad's not here, the nanny is sick and he's in South America right now. Wanna go see Uncle Natsu?" The last phrase was cooed at the blonde baby in her arms that she gently passed over to Natsu.

"Hey buddy," Natsu whispered, gazing into Kaden's bright blue eyes. "It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"Ba," agreed Kaden, reaching up to grasp Natsu's hair. Natsu laughed, dodging the clever fingers.

"Is that so?" Natsu pressed a kiss to Kaden's forehead, feeling his chest swell with a mix of emotions. "He's gotten so much bigger." Lucy laughed, reaching out and stroking Kaden's hair away from his face.

"He can roll over now," she said softly, a look of pride on her face. "And sit up too, although he generally just falls over." Natsu smiled, grabbing Kaden's hand as Kaden reached out curious fingers towards Natsu's lip ring.

"Better not touch that," Natsu said quietly, reveling in the feeling of Kaden's weight in his arms. He remembered when Kaden was born, how tiny and fragile and he had been – skin like tissue paper and soft, blonde eyelashes resting against his cheeks. Lucy had begged the nurse to let Natsu stay, and the two of them had curled up together, facing each other on the hospital bed with Kaden in between them, watching him breathe.

"Ba," Kaden said again, this time reaching over Natsu's shoulder. Natsu turned to see that Gray had followed him over, but was hanging back a bit, trying hard to look disinterested.

"Ah," said Natsu, tapping Kaden's nose. "That is Grumpy Gray. He likes to frown a lot." Gray scowled at Natsu as he and Lucy both laughed.

"Sorry, Gray," Lucy said, stepping forward and gesturing for him to join them. Gray did so reluctantly, hands still in his pockets. "Natsu's just a jerk sometimes. You'll get used to it."

"I am not a jerk," Natsu protested. "I'm merely stating facts." Kaden wriggled in Natsu's arms, grabbing one of the strings of his hoodie and beginning to chew on it. "Wanna hold him?" The question was directed at Gray – Natsu didn't really want to relinquish Kaden, but figured it was the polite thing to ask.

"I'm good," Gray replied mildly. Kaden stared at Gray, eyes immediately travelling to the pendant around his neck. "I can tell you wanna put that in your mouth, and it probably tastes just about as bad as those," Gray said, gesturing to Natsu's hoodie strings.

"I will have you know that this hoodie tastes delicious," Natsu replied indignantly.

"Oh yeah?" Gray retorted. "When was the last time you washed it?" Natsu rolled his eyes, but before he could retaliate, Lucy cut in.

"Natsu, he's not staying all day." Natsu's face fell and he clutched Kaden to him tightly. "Loke is coming to pick him up in about ten minutes." Kaden began to squirm and fuss, so Natsu switched him over to the other arm, bouncing Kaden on his hip.

"Oh." It was the only thing he could think of to say. Lucy's face was sympathetic and her words were soft, but it didn't change anything.

"I can bring him back tomorrow, I think," Lucy said gently, placing a hand on Natsu's arm. "I'm… I'm gonna talk to my dad."

"Whatever," Natsu sighed, knowing that Lucy meant well but that these few minutes with his 'nephew' were likely all he was going to get for the foreseeable future. Lucy's father was strict and demanding, and while he helped Lucy out by hiring a nanny for Kaden, it put him in control of who got to spend time with his grandson. And that was _not_ Natsu. It was Loke.

"Natsu, Loke really isn't that bad," Lucy insisted. "And he _is_ Kaden's father." The implied _and you're not_ was like a punch to the stomach, and Natsu felt like he couldn't breathe.

Loke hadn't been there when Lucy had called Natsu at midnight, crying over a positive pregnancy test, and Natsu had snuck out and came to her house to comfort her. Loke hadn't been there at the ultrasound where Lucy had found out that the baby was a boy, and had asked Natsu to help her name him. Loke hadn't been there when Lucy got too big to reach her feet, so Natsu painted her toes for her and brought her weird snacks like edamame chips and papaya juice.

Loke had certainly not been there the night that Lucy had gone into labor, two weeks early with her dad in another country, so Natsu had driven her to the hospital, holding her hand and telling her to breathe while he blew through red lights and swerved around corners. Loke hadn't sat for twenty-eight nerve-wracking hours in the hospital waiting room, biting his nails while doctors told him, _sorry, you're not family, we can't give you any information_. Loke hadn't been the one to finally burst into the hospital room, to sweep Lucy and the tiniest baby he'd ever seen into a hug, hadn't been the second person in the entire world to hold Kaden in his arms.

No, Loke had shown up two months later saying he wanted shared custody, and Lucy's father had been happy because Loke flashed around a lot of money while he said it. Natsu went from seeing Kaden every few days, to seeing Kaden every couple weeks. And then, after the Darkness… this was the first time Natsu had seen Kaden in over a month. It hurt, almost physically.

"Naaaaa," Kaden gurgled, and Natsu snapped out of his angry reverie to see Lucy's sympathetic gaze, and Gray's concerned one. He ignored them both and focused on Kaden's face – his pudgy cheeks, his soft eyelashes, the way his hair was starting to curl. Natsu swallowed heavily, then placed a kiss on Kaden's forehead.

"Thanks, Luce," he said softly, wishing Gray wasn't here to see his trainwreck of emotions. Lucy smiled sadly, stroking Kaden's back.

"He missed you," she whispered. "I'm gonna go see if Loke is here." She turned and headed back into the parking lot.

"I missed him too." Natsu crouched down and settled Kaden so his feet were on the asphalt – he was wearing some sort of ridiculous baby shoes that probably cost more than everything Natsu was wearing right now. What did babies need shoes for anyways? Kaden wriggled, moving his feet uncertainly and gripping Natsu's fingers. "C'mon bud, let's go for a walk." Natsu shuffled backwards, yelping in pain as he banged his head into a railing.

"Idiot," Natsu heard Gray mutter from above him, and then cool fingers were on his, prying them from one of Kaden's hands. Gray let Kaden grasp his own finger instead, then offered his free hand to help Natsu to his feet. "Can't even walk properly, what business do you have teaching anyone else?" The words were soft, and Natsu smiled.

"Oh, so I suppose you think you can do a better job then, huh, Snowflake?" Natsu noticed a minute look of discomfort pass across Gray's face at the nickname, but it was quickly replaced by a grin.

"Of course I do, dumbass." Natsu actually laughed out loud, then glanced down at Kaden, who was holding on to each of their fingers and looking around uncertainly.

"This wa—"

"C'mon Kad—"

They both began to speak at the same time, but at least they were walking in the same direction.

* * *

Once Kaden was picked up, the three of them headed into the creative arts room of the Youth Center. Gray didn't go for the windowsill this time, instead sliding into the chair next to Natsu.

"You okay?"

It took a moment for Natsu to realize that Gray's question was directed at him. His chest felt heavy and a deep, thick feeling of sadness was settling into his body. It was familiar, and it scared him.

"Mm," Natsu replied, hoping that would be enough to satisfy Gray. Gray frowned at him, but didn't press the issue, settling back into his seat.

"Good afternoon, everyone!" Mira bustled into the room, a bright smile on her face, and Natsu's mood lightened a fraction. He glanced around at the room – it looked like everyone was here except Gajeel.

"Metal-face isn't here," Natsu whispered, leaning towards Gray. "Maybe he's eating some dicks." Gray snorted and covered his face.

"We're going to get started right away," Mira said. "We're still working on the topic of resilience. How did everyone find our project with the lighthouse yesterday?"

Natsu scuffed the toes of his shoes onto the floor. Mira had said they weren't required to display their projects, but he knew that Gray had seen him sketching a dragon around his lighthouse, mouth opened wide to light the lantern. It had made Natsu feel… naked, somehow.

"Today, we're going to do an exercise to evaluate our current levels of resiliency," Mira said. A few people groaned, and she added, "we can only improve if we know how far we need to go!"

Mira began to jot down some lines on the board, and Natsu felt his heart sink as he read them.

"There are six areas to evaluate, so I'd like you to each rate yourself on a scale of zero to ten," she said. "Afterwards, I'm going to get you to share one of your answers, along with your rationale behind your score."

Just then, the door banged open and Gajeel slunk in, nose bandaged and eyes bruised. Mira raised her eyebrows at him, but said nothing, gesturing him to the empty chair next to Gray. Gajeel grumbled and slid into the seat, folding his arms over his chest.

"Yo." Gajeel leaned forward and kicked Gray's chair. Gray stiffened, and Natsu could see a muscle working in his jaw as he turned to look at Gajeel. "I found out what happened. Sherry told me."

"I thought I told you to mind your own fucking business," Gray hissed. His fists were clenched so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. "Or do I need to _beat_ that into you again?"

"Look, man, I just wanted to say I'm sorry," Gajeel said, sounding surprisingly contrite. Gray looked at Gajeel in surprise, and Natsu blinked. "I deserved this." Gajeel gestured to his face.

"Yeah, you did." Gray's voice was still low and dangerous, but Natsu could see that the tension in his jaw was slowly fading.

"I know I'm not the nicest guy—" Natsu snorted "—but I'd _never_ do that to my brother." Gray's hand drifted to his shoulder as he frowned.

 _Do what?_ Natsu was burning with curiosity, and desperately tried not to lean further into their conversation. Gray finally exhaled, and it seemed like most of the tension left his body.

"Yeah, well, that's cause Ryos could probably kick your ass," he muttered, and Gajeel actually laughed.

"I dunno about that, he's got this weird _I am darkness_ thing goin' on that I don't get," Gajeel said. Natsu was baffled. What the hell was happening? Was Gajeel actually having a _conversation_ with Gray? And who was Ryos? "But he's in school and I'm makin' sure he stays there. Don't want him to fuck up like me."

"Well at least he has a stellar example of what _not_ to do," Gray muttered sarcastically. Gajeel let out an amused grunt.

"Gentlemen, private conversations can take place during our breaks," Mira interrupted, and all three boys jumped in their seats. Lucy turned to give Natsu an exasperated stare. "We need to listen to others when they're speaking."

Natsu looked guilty as he realized that he hadn't been paying attention to the rest of the group. Cana had just finished speaking, and was looking morose.

"Lucy, I believe it's your turn." Mira motioned to the board: _I have plenty of support from other people in my life._

"I gave myself a seven," Lucy said, looking down at her notebook. "I… well, my dad isn't always the greatest but at least he's there. And Kaden's dad Loke helps out too."

Natsu felt his chest ache again at that name. Thinking about Loke pulling out of the parking lot in his fancy car with Kaden in the back seat just _hurt_.

"And I have a really, really great best friend who will do anything for me," Lucy added. Natsu jumped as she kicked him under the desk, and his face flushed bright red.

"Wonderful!" Mira said. "Having a good network of friends, family, and other support people in your life can be a very important factor in fostering resiliency." Mira smiled, then turned to Natsu and gestured to the second bullet on the board.

 _I am able to accept myself for who I really am._

"Um." Natsu hadn't written anything down; he'd been too busy listening to Gajeel and Gray. Now he had to come up with something on the spot. _Shit_. "I… uh… a one?" He caught Lucy giving him a sad sideways glance. "Mostly 'cause… um…" Natsu felt his throat tightening. What the hell? Yesterday he could have answered this with a _ten cause I'm a fucking ray of sunshine and brighten everyone's day_ but this was what happened when the pills ran out and the highs turned to lows overnight. "I don't… like who I really am? So… yeah."

Mira looked somewhat concerned, but nodded and moved her finger to the next point, nodding at Gray.

 _I cope well with my emotions in the face of adversity._

"Hah." Gray let out a puff of laughter, then sighed, looking resigned. "Maybe like, a two?" He ran a hand through his hair. "When things are shit, I usually just shut down. 'Cause that's easier than dealing with stuff."

"Suppressing emotions is definitely a very common unhealthy coping mechanism," Mira said. "And that's why you're here, to learn how to deal with those feelings in a more positive way."

Gajeel was next, responding to _I am good at communicating and interacting with others in times of stress._ To Natsu's surprise, he didn't wave for Mira to pass him, but actually contemplated the question.

"Can I give a zero?" he asked. Mira nodded. "Yeah, I'm the worst at that. I just get mad and do stupid shit like… hit people. And stuff." He looked incredibly uncomfortable, but Mira gave him a wide smile.

"Well, that's why we're here," Mira said enthusiastically, looking around at the group. "This afternoon we're going to be working on learning how to recognize and manage 'normal' emotions."

Natsu sighed, leaning against the back of his desk and feeling exhaustion creeping slowly though his body.

 _What I wouldn't give for some normal emotions right now,_ he thought.


	5. constellations in your eyes

_you're not certain when you feel  
_ _hurt yet violent when you deal  
_ _with how the world drags you along  
_ _but you're not alone  
\- garbage, "beloved freak" _

The first week of group went by quickly. Natsu had easily convinced Gray to join their after-group jam sessions, and between that and work, Gray barely had time to think. Then the weekend came, full of silence and nothing to do, and with it came the nightmares.

 _They were building a snow fort._

 _Lyon was laughing as he tossed snowballs at Gray, but his teeth were sharp and his eyes were black. Gray caught a snowball and when he looked down it was red in his hands, red on his chest, red spilling between his fingers onto the floor._

 _When Gray looked up again, the fort was gone, and instead there was a prison made of ice, bars holding back his brother, whose hands were growing claws that dripped with blood. Gray's blood, that poured from ragged wounds in his shoulder and his stomach._

 ** _I'm sorry,_** _Gray tried to say, but all that came out was a scream._

Gray shuddered awake, fingers bunched in the blanket, breath coming in quiet gasps. He could feel tears on his cheeks and he pressed his face against the arm of the couch, muffling a loud sob that shook his entire body. His shoulder and side burned, and the pain was so intense that he screamed into the couch, digging his fingers into his forearm to block it out.

"Fuck," Gray sobbed, curling up as small as he could and choking out another ragged breath. Panic and anger and fear bubbled up in his chest as hot tears streamed down his cheeks. He squeezed his eyes shut, harsh sobs slowing to quiet crying.

There was a soft _mrowl_ beside Gray's head, and seconds later a warm body curled up against his chest. Happy's tail flicked Gray's nose and Gray slowly uncurled his fist, brushing his fingers over Happy's soft fur. Happy rumbled, vibrating against Gray comfortingly.

Gray petted Happy with trembling hands for a few minutes, letting himself cry until he felt washed out and empty. Happy's tail flicked back and forth contentedly as he purred against Gray's chest, and the pain slowly faded to a manageable throb.

"Thanks," Gray whispered to Happy, letting out a shaky breath and looking down at his watch – seven-thirty. He'd only been asleep for half an hour. Gray sighed, rolling onto his back and earning himself a disgruntled meow.

Gray hadn't dreamed about Lyon in a long time.

The sound of his phone pinging had Gray's heart skyrocketing again, but when he looked at the screen and saw that it was a message from Natsu, the fear quickly dissipated.

 _hey snowflake wanna here a bad french joke?_

Gray stared down at the text – predictably misspelled and oddly endearing. He rolled his eyes, glancing at Happy, who meowed at him plaintively.

"Shush," Gray muttered as Happy turned in circles on his stomach, then began to knead his claws into Gray's sweater.

Gray scratched behind Happy's ears as he studied the screen. Ever since Monday, Natsu had taken to texting Gray every evening, vaguely flirty messages that made Gray's heart jump a bit every time his phone went off. At first, Gray had tried to ignore the feeling – sure, Natsu was cute, but Gray was a mess and had no business having a crush on anyone.

Natsu was so... charming, though. His stupid, goofy smile was enough to pull Gray out of his pain, and Gray had even started looking forward to the group so he could sit next to Natsu and listen to his dumb stories and watch him wave his hands in the air while he talked.

Gray chewed his lip. The dream still hung in the edges of his consciousness – Lyon's black eyes, the blood on his hands, the chill of the snowflakes drifting around them.

He still felt like crying.

Gray glanced over at the pill bottle on the coffee table, rubbing his shoulder absently. Even though both Ultear and his therapist insisted that letting people in was a good thing, Gray still felt uncertain. Even after a week, Natsu was already settling into the empty parts of Gray's life, and sometimes it was enough to make Gray feel like he couldn't breathe. People were dangerous. They always seemed safe, seemed kind, seemed like they loved him—

 _cmon i dont know any other french ppl gimme a chance_

Gray snorted at the new message, then typed out a quick reply.

 _Fine, tell me your terrible joke._

He only had to wait a few seconds for Natsu's next message.

 _what do french ppl call a rly bad thursday?_

 _…_

 _a trajeudi_

Gray groaned, rolling his eyes and laughing. Happy gave him a disgruntled look and Gray scratched him under the chin.

 _You're right, that is awful,_ Gray typed. _You have a terrible sense of humor._

 _at least im pretty ;),_ Natsu replied.

Gray's cheeks flushed as the text popped up, and he sighed, tipping his head back against the couch. Happy blinked up at him and Gray scowled.

"Don't look at me like that," he muttered. His phone buzzed again and he glanced down. Another text from Natsu.

 _i dont have anything rn, gimme a week and i can get it but only 20_

Gray frowned. Twenty what?

 _sry sry tht was wrong_ #, came another message before Gray could respond. _my bad, ignore that._

An uneasy feeling started to form in Gray's stomach. Something about the text felt wrong, felt so un-Natsu that he wanted to ask about it. But what was he supposed to say? Before he could respond, another message came through.

 _r u doin anything rite now?_

Gray looked out the window at the setting sun. Part of him was comfortable here and didn't want to move, but another part of him was terrified of falling back asleep to visions of blood and sharp teeth.

 _No, why?,_ he responded eventually.

 _im bored, come hang out w me. meet me at the librariy?_

Gray felt the flutter in his stomach again, the excitement at the idea of seeing Natsu's silly grin, being close to him, basking in Natsu's warmth and letting himself feel like he wasn't so alone.

 _Sure,_ he typed out, nudging Happy off his stomach. _I'll be there in half an hour._

* * *

When Gray got to the library, Natsu was sitting outside on the curb, digging the toes of his battered shoes into the gravel and staring intently at his phone. Natsu looked up as Gray approached, and his face broke into a grin that made Gray's stomach flip.

"Hey!" Natsu let Gray help him to his feet, then brushed the dirt from his jeans and shoved his hands into the pockets of his hoodie. "Thanks for coming, I was gettin' really bored. Erza was hanging out with me, but she had an AA meeting, and Lucy's busy with Kaden. Not that you're like, a last resort or anything," Natsu added hastily, "I didn't mean it like that, I just—"

"Natsu." Gray interrupted the rushed tirade, and Natsu stopped mid-sentence, biting his lip ring. "It's fine, don't worry about it. I needed to get out of the apartment anyway."

"Oh." Natsu gave Gray a bright smile. "Cool. What'd you wanna do? I was at Starbucks with Erza but she wouldn't let me have more coffee and she said that three was more than enough, which is dumb 'cause I know she drinks like six cups a day so that's kinda… uh… what's that word when you do the thing you tell other people not to do?"

"Hypocritical?" Gray suggested, struggling to follow the quick flow of Natsu's words.

"That's the one!" Natsu pulled his hands out of his pockets and ran his fingers through his messy hair.

"So, uh…" Gray shifted uncertainly. "Are you… hungry?"

A look that Gray didn't recognize flashed across Natsu's face momentarily, then Natsu quickly shook his head.

"Nah, I ate with Erza." The words didn't sound sincere, and Gray raised an eyebrow. The grin on Natsu's face faltered for only a second, and then he nudged Gray's shoulder. "If you wanna eat though, there's this awesome Lebanese place by the pier?"

The walk down the road by the beach was filled with the sound of Natsu's voice, and Gray found he didn't mind at all. Natsu gestured wildly as he told story after story, and the gentle cadence of his words pulled Gray further and further out of the fog of his nightmare, until it was nothing more than a vague, uncomfortable memory.

"C'mon, I'll never finish this, have some," Gray said after they'd stopped for him to pick up a donair. Despite Natsu's reassurances that he wasn't hungry, Gray had a feeling he was lying, and his suspicion was confirmed when Natsu reluctantly accepted the offer of sharing, and then ate most of the meal. Gray ended up pretending to still be hungry, and bought them both ice cream that they ate as they walked down the beach.

"So… do you live close to here?" Gray asked after they'd been walking for a while. Natsu didn't answer for a second, instead looking out over the water where the sun had almost dipped below the horizon. A thin ray of orange light lined the expanse of ocean, and the sound of waves crashing against the shore was interrupted only by the cawing of gulls. The sun winked one final time and then slipped away, leaving them in a soft, quiet dark.

"Nah," Natsu said eventually. "I'm stayin' at a friend's place tonight." There was that same hesitation that felt like a lie, but before Gray could ask, Natsu turned to him with a playful smile. "C'mon, I wanna show you somethin'."

Gray was about to protest when Natsu reached out and grabbed his hand, and the warmth of Natsu's fingers against his chased away anything he might have wanted to say. Nastu's hand was shaking, and the pace he set along the beach had Gray running to keep up.

"Where are we going?" Gray asked as they hopped over pieces of driftwood and around piles of kelp and seaweed that had washed up on the beach.

"You'll see," was all Natsu said. He slipped his fingers between Gray's, and all Gray could do was follow Natsu through the dark.

Eventually they left the beach and climbed up a set of stone stairs that led to the old pier. Gray hadn't been here in years – it had been condemned not long after he'd moved here, and half the boards were rotted through, falling into the cold of the ocean below. Two derelict sailboats were still moored near the end, bobbing listlessly on the waves, and Gray could see their outlines in the soft light of the rising moon.

"What are you doing?" Gray hissed as Natsu tugged him forward. A sign reading _Warning: Restricted Area, Keep Out_ loomed above them, with smaller text underneath that said _Pier Unsafe_. "We can't go out there."

"I promise it'll be worth it," Natsu said, turning around and giving Gray a pleading look. His eyes were bright and he looked almost wild underneath the moon – hair streaked with silver and face cast in dark shadows. "C'mon. It'll be an adventure."

Gray glanced down the pier again uncertainly. It didn't look safe – the badly constructed railing had fallen apart in places, and the tiny boathouse at the far end had been graffitied over several times. Gray was fairly certain that Gajeel was responsible for more than one of those tags.

"Please?" Natsu asked quietly. Gray turned back to him, and the look Natsu gave him was so soft and earnest that Gray found he couldn't refuse.

Natsu helped Gray clamber over the small wooden fence – the only thing that was keeping them from the long stretch of the pier. There was a single, flickering lamp that hung close by, but the full moon cast a gentle glow over the rest of the dock, making the abandoned ships look ghostly as they drifted on the water.

"Careful," Natsu said, motioning for Gray to follow his footsteps. He took a clear path, avoiding some beams while stepping gently on others, and Gray tensed every time the wood creaked beneath their feet. By the time they made it to the boats, Gray's heart was pounding, and his palm was sweaty against Natsu's.

Natsu motioned toward the closest boat – a motorsailer with flaking, rusted paint and the word _Serenity_ painted on the side of the hull. It clearly hadn't been touched in years, and barnacles crept up the sides, making a strange scraping sound as the boat rocked against the dock.

"C'mon," Natsu whispered, grinning as he grabbed the metal railing and hoisted himself up onto the ship's deck. Gray looked at him uncertainly, then reached out and took Natsu's hand, letting Natsu help pull him on board.

The ship swayed under their feet and Gray clung unsteadily to Natsu's arm as Natsu guided him toward the bow, stepping over rusted chains and a discarded bouy.

"What are we—" Gray started to ask, but when he looked over at Natsu, the words stuck in his throat.

Natsu's face was tipped up to the night sky, eyes wide and full of awe beneath the silver light. Gray looked up and felt his breath catch as he realized what Natsu was looking at. Millions of stars spilled across the sky, stretching across the dark expanse of the ocean until they drifted down over the horizon, close together and far apart and making intricate patterns that Gray couldn't quite understand.

"Wow," Gray breathed, trying to connect the thousands of pinpricks of light into something that made sense. The only thing around them was the soft crashing of waves against the hull of the ship, and Gray felt a shiver run through him at the realization that they were completely alone, separated from the rest of the world by some rotting planks and sign that said _unsafe_.

"Told you it'd be worth it," Natsu said, fingertips still resting lightly against Gray's. His shoulder brushed Gray's as his eyes trailed through the constellations to the ocean, watching the waves roll in toward the beach. "I like it here."

Gray looked over at Natsu, taking in the openness of his expression, the child-like wonder in his eyes as he leaned forward on the boat's railing. He looked happy, but Gray could see something behind it – something dark and frightened and uncertain.

Gray hesitated, part of him wanting desperately to ask if Natsu was okay, to find out why he was lying, to make sure he wasn't hurt. But the other part of him didn't want to disturb the serene way Natsu was smiling at the ocean right now, so instead Gray leaned forward, pressed his shoulder to Natsu's, and watched the reflection of the stars in the sea.


	6. oh no, here we go again

_TW for talk of self-harm and mentions of abuse_

* * *

 _oh no, here we go again, the bad thoughts are creeping in  
_ _when i feel crazy, i hide it, then fall apart in private  
_ _where my mirror's the only one who sees my tears  
_ \- manic, coleman hell

Natsu woke to a gentle rocking and the sound of waves lapping against the side of the boat. He yawned, sitting up and shivering in the chilly morning air. The sun was just starting to rise – pale yellow light creeping down over the dark outline of the mountains – and Natsu's breath hung in front of his face, heavy and white.

He stood slowly, bracing himself against the boat's railing as he groaned and stretched out his aching muscles. Even with the blanket he'd managed to scrounge up, the deck of the ship wasn't very comfortable, and Natsu could barely feel his fingers.

It was getting too cold to sleep outside.

Natsu rubbed his face, wishing Gray was here to watch the sunrise with him. They had stared at the stars last night until far past midnight, not talking, just pointing out constellations and listening to the sound of the waves crashing against the shore.

Eventually Natsu had walked with Gray back to Main Street, then pretended to head to a friend's house and doubled back to the ship to stare at the sky until he fell asleep. The look in Gray's eyes when they'd parted ways made Natsu pretty sure that Gray didn't believe him, but he had been too tired to care.

A buzzing came from Natsu's backpack and he dug through the front pocket until he found his phone. A text from Lucy popped up on the screen – _Dad's still gone today and I have Kaden, wanna meet us for breakfast?_

A grin spread across Natsu's face as he read the message and he hopped to his feet, slinging his bag over his shoulder and leaping down from the ship to head back into town.

* * *

"Do you think he likes me?"

Natsu carefully pried a sugar packet away from Kaden's chubby fingers, looking up at Lucy, who sat across the table from him at the café. She poked at her eggs and pushed them around her plate.

"You mean Gray?" she asked, making a silly face at Kaden, who babbled at her.

Natsu sighed dramatically. "Unless there's another unfairly attractive guy around that I've been flirting with, yes."

Lucy reached over and poked at the tower of coffee creamers Natsu had built, and it tumbled down, knocking some of them to the floor. Natsu stuck his tongue out at her, bouncing Kaden on his knee. When Lucy didn't reply, he frowned at her.

"What's up, Luce?" he asked. Kaden began to chew on Natsu's thumb.

Lucy ran her fingers through her hair, then pulled it back into a ponytail and gave Natsu a strange look.

"Probably?" she said after a minute. "Gray probably likes you, I mean."

"…but?" Natsu asked. Lucy had been in a weird mood since the group had started, and Natsu couldn't figure it out. He hadn't done anything that was likely to upset her, and she'd even brought Kaden to visit him again, taking advantage of her dad being on another continent.

Maybe Lucy didn't like Gray? Gray had been hanging out with them a lot lately – was Lucy jealous? But that didn't make sense because she'd been fine with Natsu inviting him places, and they seemed to get along. Unless Lucy was just pretending to like him to not hurt Natsu's feelings, and—

"Isn't now kind of a bad time?" Lucy's voice brought Natsu out of his tangled thoughts, and he watched as she tapped her fork against her plate. The sound grated on Natsu's nerves.

"Bad time?" Natsu repeated. He reached out and grabbed the fork from Lucy, trying his best to make it seem playful. Lucy sighed and gave him the sad, pitying look he hated.

"You just seem kind of off," she said gently.

"I'm fine," Natsu protested, and Lucy shook her head. "What? I'm doing all the things in group, I'm writing and sharing and making friends, isn't that what we're supposed to be doing? And yeah, okay, I haven't been sleeping great, but that's not a big deal. You don't have to be so—"

"Have you been taking your meds?" Lucy interrupted quietly.

Natsu felt a flash of anger and embarrassment, and he looked away from Lucy, focusing on the handle of his coffee mug that he kept just out of Kaden's reach. Kaden babbled in his lap, tugging at the sleeve of Natsu's sweater and putting it in his mouth.

"Yeah," Natsu lied. He thought of the angry look on Don's face on Friday when Natsu had tried to ask again about getting a refill, and his stomach clenched uncomfortably. "I'm fine, Luce," he insisted again, trying to keep his voice steady. "I'm happy, I'm not doing anything stupid, right?"

He carefully didn't mention dragging Gray out onto the abandoned pier last night.

Lucy sighed, reaching out and tugging Natsu's hoodie sleeve out of Kaden's mouth. Natsu quickly pulled his arm back and Lucy's eyes widened as she looked up at him.

"It's not what you think," Natsu said hurriedly, shaking his head and bouncing his leg harder under Kaden. "I'm not stupid, Luce- I'm not, I wouldn't—"

"What happened?" Lucy asked quietly. Natsu didn't answer, just wrapped his arm tighter around Kaden and bit down on the inside of his cheek. "Natsu, look at me. Did you—"

"I already said I didn't," he snapped. "Why don't you ever believe me?"

"Because you've lied to me before," Lucy hissed. Kaden looked up at her and made a frustrated sound, then started squirming in Natsu's lap. Natsu sighed, rubbing at his face and glancing around the restaurant. Everyone was absorbed in their own conversations or staring at their phones.

"It's just a bruise," Natsu muttered, tugging up his sleeve and holding out his arm to Lucy. "Gajeel was bein' a dick, I told you about it, remember?"

Lucy ran her fingers over the dark, fingerprint-shaped marks on Natsu's wrist, then took his hand in hers. He held perfectly still, not flinching, not thinking of an angry voice and rancid breath and exhausted terror.

"You said Gajeel didn't hurt you," Lucy countered. "And that was over a week ago." Kaden whined, turning on Natsu's leg and grabbing at the zipper of his sweater.

"Well, I forgot," Natsu muttered, trying hard not to pull his arm away from Lucy's grip. His chest was tight and his skin started to thrum uncomfortably. "Whatever, it's not a big deal."

"You're a terrible liar," Lucy said softly. "What's going on? Who hurt you?" Natsu growled in frustration, leaning away from Lucy and yanking his sleeve down again. The gentle tone of Lucy's voice made him want to break things.

Kaden started crying, rubbing his face against Natsu's sweater, and Natsu put his hand on the back of Kaden's head, stroking his hair and whispering to him gently. Natsu couldn't look up at Lucy, couldn't see the fear and concern and disbelief in her eyes.

"Natsu," Lucy protested, but he shook his head and stood up. A heavy pressure was building behind his eyes, and the restaurant suddenly felt too loud, too overwhelming, too much. Natsu kissed Kaden on the head, then held him out to Lucy without making eye contact.

"I gotta go," he said roughly, grabbing his backpack from under the table and swinging it over his shoulder. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Natsu, I'm not mad," Lucy said, holding Kaden tightly as he fussed and squirmed against her grip. "Just talk to me, please."

"I did," Natsu said shortly. "I told you what happened and you don't believe me. I gotta go."

Before Lucy could respond, Natsu turned on his heel and walked as quickly as he could out of the restaurant and into the cold.

* * *

Natsu wasn't even a block away before he started crying. He ducked off the main road and curved toward the park, wiping angrily at his eyes and pulling up his hood to hide his face. It was snowing – small, light flakes that stuck to the sleeves of his sweater before melting into dark patches.

His chest ached as he swallowed down a sob. Part of him wanted to run back and apologize, wanted to hold Kaden and sing to him and laugh with Lucy. But he didn't want to see that look on her face, and he didn't want to answer her questions.

Maybe Lucy's dad was right. Maybe he wasn't safe.

Natsu walked for nearly an hour until his hands were numb and the sun had set. The chill of the evening pierced through Natsu's thin sweater and he rubbed his arms, shivering. He pulled out his phone from his pocket and stared at his last text from Gray – _I liked the stars._

Natsu tried to reply, but nothing he wrote made any sense.

 _Fuck._ Natsu could feel the tears again and he bit his lip to keep himself from crying – this couldn't happen again. Not now, not when he'd been trying to fucking hard to keep everything from falling apart. It was creeping through him, a dark, angry ache that spread to each point in his body and made him feel like he couldn't move.

Natsu closed his eyes, shaking his head and trying to push it all away. He thought about Gray – about the way he'd looked under the moon last night, his expression as he'd watched the stars, the way he'd held Natsu's hand tightly as they'd walked along the pier. Instead of the thrill of excitement that had accompanied the thoughts before, Natsu only felt a dull numbness, and the soft ache of the bruises around his wrist.

He didn't deserve Gray anyway. Gray was kind and thoughtful and not a broken disaster.

Frustration bubbled up in Natsu's chest and he ducked into an alley, turning and slamming his fist into the wall. Pain burst through his knuckles and down his wrist and he gritted his teeth, hitting the brick again. The sensation spiked through the deadened fog around him, and he was about to do it again when he heard a quiet voice.

"Are you okay?"

Natsu looked up to see a girl standing in front of him. Her brow was furrowed in concern, and it made Natsu want to scream. The numbness in his stomach began to coil into a hot, furious rage, and he latched onto it. Anything was better than not feeling.

"I'm fine!" he shouted, stepping away from her and clenching his fists. The scrapes along his knuckles stung. "Why the fuck does everybody keep asking me that?"

"You just-"

Natsu cut her off before she could finish.

"Leave me the fuck alone," he growled, then turned away from her and ran.


	7. ten of swords

_TW for panic attacks and mentions of past self-harm_

* * *

 _god it's been so long (wide awake)  
_ _that i feel like someone else  
_ _i miss the way that you saw me or  
_ _maybe the way i saw myself  
_ \- marianas trench, "who do you love"

"Gray, come here and let me read your future!"

Gray glanced across the room at the Youth Center to where Natsu, Erza, Lucy and Cana were sitting. It was Friday, and Gray had managed to survive another week in the group – although if Gray was being honest with himself, he looked forward to spending every day sitting next to Natsu.

Cana grinned at Gray, a set of tarot cards splayed in front of her, and beckoned him over. Gray liked Cana – she was honest and raw in a way that he wasn't, and it both scared him and made him admire her.

"My dad left when I was fifteen," she'd said in group today. "Just fucked off and didn't even say goodbye. And it hurt, just hurt everywhere, like a giant ball of pain spreading through my body." Gray had nodded along, feeling the ache of his missing parents keenly in that moment. "And I just wanted to make it stop, make everything go away, so I broke into my mom's liquor cabinet and downed the first bottle of whatever I saw. I felt so numb. After that I just found older kids to buy me booze, and drank until I couldn't feel anything."

Gray remembered trying that a few times, but the alcohol hadn't mixed well with the OxyContin, and Ultear had given him hell after he had puked until he felt like he was going to die.

He shrugged now, tucking his journal away and making his way across the room. Sliding into the chair across from Cana, he glanced over at Natsu, who didn't look up. He was busy fiddling with the sleeves of his hoodie.

Gray frowned – something still seemed off about Natsu. After their trip to the pier on Saturday, Natsu hadn't talked to Gray as much. They'd been friendly, but Natsu's excited enthusiasm from the day they met was tempered by something darker.

"Luce, can you pass me those scissors?" Natsu leaned back toward Lucy, who looked at him hesitantly. A look of confusion crossed his face, which slowly turned to anger. "I just wanna cut thumb-holes in my fucking sweater, Luce. Jesus Christ." He shoved his chair away and leaned over, grabbing the scissors himself. Gray was shocked – he'd never heard Natsu speak to Lucy like that before.

Lucy whispered something soft that Gray couldn't hear, and Natsu's frown deepened. He jabbed the scissors through the fabric of his tattered sweater – did he ever take that thing off? – then threw them down on the table and stalked away.

"What's up with him?" Gray asked, frowning as Natsu stormed out towards the front door. Sure, he'd been acting a bit strange lately, but nothing like this.

"He has… moods," Lucy said quietly, tucking her hands into her pockets. "It's pretty normal. He'll come back." Gray frowned. Shouldn't someone be going after him?

"All right Gray, pick three cards and lay them on the table."

Gray turned his attention back to Cana, who had shuffled the deck and was holding it out to him. He tried not to roll his eyes – tarot reading was a silly, inexact pseudoscience, but he didn't want to hurt Cana's feelings. He reached out and plucked three cards from her hand, and spread them out in front of him.

"Oh." Cana's eyes widened. Gray looked down with a frown – a tower, some guy maybe hiding somewhere, and… a dead body being stabbed with swords. Well, that couldn't be good. Not that he believed in this shit anyway.

"So, what's my future?" he grumbled, trying to ignore the pensive look on Cana's face.

"Well, I'm not great at this," she began, chewing on her thumbnail. "My Gram's better at it, she does this for a living. But… hmm. You've had some sort of disaster in your life. A change that can't be unmade." Gray stiffened a bit, but relaxed when he realized that could describe literally everyone in this program. "The hermit—" here Cana tapped on the hiding man "—is reversed, which indicates isolation or withdrawal from people you love." Also true of everyone here. Even so, Gray felt his pulse rise uncomfortably.

"That's pretty vague," he said quietly. His throat felt thick, and his mind filled with the images from his dreams. Sharp teeth, dark eyes, bloody hands. This was a terrible idea.

"The ten of swords, though, that's not a good card." Cana continued like she hadn't heard him speak. "It's a symbol of ultimate betrayal. Someone you loved, that you cared about and trusted, hurt you, probably physically and emotionally…"

Cana's voice trailed off, leaving Gray with _an open door, and soft flakes of snow drifting around his ankles._

 _No_. Gray pinched his thigh under the table, trying to shake away the memory.

 _Sharp, unimaginable pain, blistering through his shoulder and stomach, and a voice saying **it should have been you the first time**. _

"I gotta…" Gray tried to come up with an excuse but his mind was blank, pulse pounding in his ears. He shoved his chair away from the table, shaking his head from side to side. "I gotta go." Ignoring the girl's shocked expressions, he turned around and stumbled out of the room, toward the door.

Air. He just needed air. Gray shoved the door open as hard as he could, and winced when it connected with something solid.

"Ow, fuck." The something was apparently Natsu, who was now rubbing his cheek and looking at Gray curiously. "You okay?"

"I gotta go," Gray repeated, pushing past Natsu and sprinting through the parking lot. It was snowing today, too, the same soft flakes, and Gray felt his chest tighten and his eyes blur with tears. _Stop it,_ he whispered to himself as he ran, not knowing where his footsteps were going. _Stop it. You're better than this._

He sucked cold air into his lungs, skidding around a corner and nearly tripping over a loose slab of pavement. Where the fuck was he going? It didn't matter. He just needed to get away from the harsh burning in his chest and the feeling of dread that was creeping through his limbs.

There was a loud blare of a car horn, and Gray felt a pair of arms wrap around him, yanking him backwards until he stumbled and fell on his ass.

"What the—"

"Are you okay?" Natsu's frantic voice caught him off guard, and Gray turned to see Natsu, also on the ground, staring at him with concern. "You just about ran out into traffic! What the hell were you thinking?" Gray blinked at Natsu, looking up to the road and seeing that he had indeed been about to traverse a busy intersection.

"I…" Gray swallowed, realizing that the panic had subsided and all he was left with was a pounding heart, and the warm ghost of Natsu's arms around his chest. "I… wasn't paying attention."

"No shit." Natsu stood, brushing dust from his jeans, then reached a hand down to Gray, who took it uncertainly. His legs felt unsteady beneath him, and he leaned forward, hands on his knees, taking deep breaths. Natsu placed a hand on his shoulder. "Seriously. Is there anything I can do?"

Gray shook his head, finally feeling a return to calm, and a pink flush of embarrassment flooded into his cheeks. His first instinct was to snap at Natsu, tell him to fuck off and mind his business, but he couldn't. Natsu had been nothing but kind to him since they'd met. He didn't deserve that.

"Just…a bad memory," Gray said quietly. Shame rushed through him, heat blossoming from the nape of his neck to the tips of his ears. "I'll be okay." He forced himself to look up into Natsu's concerned face. "Thanks for the save."

"No problem." Natsu smiled easily at Gray as he finally stood, running a hand through his hair. "You still up for jamming? I wanna hear that new song you wrote." His smile didn't reach his eyes.

"Y-yeah." Gray smiled uncertainly as Natsu began to head back toward the centre. "Hey, um, are you okay? You booked it outta there earlier too." Natsu's shoulders rounded inward and he began to chew his lip.

"Sorta. Just…" He looked up, like he was contemplating how much to share with Gray. "I had a… bad few months a while back. Did some stupid shit. It scared Luce, and she's still overprotective, y'know?" He rubbed the back of his neck. "I get it, it just pisses me off sometimes."

Gray wondered what the scissors had to do with any of this, then slowly wondered if it had anything to do with the fact that Natsu never took off his sweater. _Oh_. He didn't say anything, just nodded and continued following Natsu back to the Center.

* * *

Natsu was amazing on the guitar. Gray loved watching him – he curled around it like it was a lover, hands caressing the frets and fingers dancing across the strings, pink hair falling in his eyes, lower lip caught between his teeth while he concentrated. Okay, he was also incredibly sexy when he played guitar. That didn't help things either.

Over the last two weeks, Gray had found it easier and easier to sit with this group, to revel in their casual familiarity and occasionally make his own contributions to their conversations. The cautious side of his brain occasionally warned him against it, but Gray told it to _shut the fuck up, thank you very much._ If it meant he got to spend time with Natsu…

"You've got it bad." Erza flopped down on the floor next to Gray, who was sitting on the piano bench, a respectable distance away from the rest of the group. He had been composing before he had been distracted by Natsu's hair, and hands, and lips. _Jesus fuck_.

"I… what?" Gray blinked up at Erza. She had the long side of her hair tied up in an intricate braid, and a pattern was shaved into the other side. He looked at her contemplatively. "You look so different from before." She laughed easily.

"Yeah, well…you don't." Gray gazed at her, unsure how to respond to that. "I mean, you've grown up, that's for sure. We both have. God, we were stupid." Gray laughed a little at that.

"Yeah, well, I'm glad we got out." He doodled absently in the margin of his scorebook. "Gajeel too, even if he did end up doing some time in juvie. He seems to really care about Ryos."

"Oh my god, the last time I saw that kid, he was what, twelve?" Erza cracked her knuckles and Gray noticed she had something tattooed on the inside of her ring finger – a stylized letter "J".

"Are you still…" Gray gestured at the tattoo. "With him?" Erza's face hardened slightly.

"It's complicated," she said softly, running her finger over the ink. "He's in rehab right now. He just… we both had such a shitty life. I know that's not an excuse," she said hastily, holding up a hand, "but I think he can change. Be better."

"Hopefully we all can," Gray said softly, eyes drifting back over to Natsu, who was still strumming softly and singing under his breath. "Now that…" He struggled to say the name. "Now that Lyon is gone, and the gang fell apart." Gray swallowed heavily.

"Do you wanna talk about what happened with him?" Erza leaned back, crossing her ankles and looking at Gray. "Sherry said you almost died."

 _Blue and red sirens, blood everywhere, on the floor and his hands and everything was happening in slow motion…_

"Yeah," Gray said quietly. "I mean yeah to the almost died, not to the talking." He avoided Erza's gaze. "I'm not ready." She nodded.

"Just… know that I know what it's like to have someone you love hurt you." Gray winced, remembering the way Erza didn't speak around Jellal, how she flinched when he raised his voice or slammed doors.

"Sorry," he said, but she shook her head, playing absently with her tongue ring.

"It was a lifetime ago," she said softly, then turned to Gray and grinned. "Now stop ogling Natsu and let's get to playing some music."


	8. i'm not crazy, i'm just a little unwell

_TW for drinking and attempted date-rape  
_

* * *

 _i'm not crazy, i'm just a little unwell  
_ _i know right now you can't tell  
_ _but stay a while and maybe then you'll see  
_ _a different side of me  
_ \- matchbox twenty, "unwell"

Natsu sighed as whatever it was he was drinking slid smoothly down his throat, burning a trail down into his stomach. His head felt thick, stuffed with cotton, and he knew the guy next to him was yelling something but it sounded muffled, like he was trying to talk through a mattress.

"What?" He was sure his voice was ten times louder than normal, but the guy just smiled at him, holding up another shot glass full of something blue. Natsu grinned at him. The guy was cute – blonde, white teeth, expensive looking watch – probably some college kid with too much money to burn. Exactly the kind of guy Natsu was looking for.

Natsu wasn't stupid – he knew that he was attractive. He might not have any money, but he _did_ have softly tousled hair and tanned skin and a tight shirt that rode up just over his hips. And it was dark enough in here that nobody could see his scars.

"Want another drink?" The man leaned into Natsu's space, shouting in his ear over the pounding beat of the club. Natsu was lucky he'd even gotten into this place, but the bouncer was lazy and his fake ID passed his half-assed inspection.

Natsu didn't answer, just took the shot glass from the man, their fingers touching suggestively. He tipped his head back, tossing whatever it was down his throat. He wouldn't actually go home with the guy – he never did – but he could probably string some drinks and a few dances out of him.

"I'm Kyle," the guy shouted, lips brushing Natsu's ear, and Natsu shivered at the contact. He reached out, placing a hand on Kyle's hip. _Flirting with danger._

"Zach," Natsu lied, voice slurring slightly. How much had he had to drink already? He'd couldn't remember.

"Wanna dance, Zach?" Kyle's hand had already mimicked Natsu's, and when Natsu nodded, Kyle pulled him out into the mass of bodies pounding to the music.

Natsu sighed, throwing his head back and letting Kyle's hands wander over his hips and travel to his ass. It was fine. He wasn't anything tonight, just a messy, _very_ drunk mass of insignificant stardust. The alcohol numbed the pain, pushed back the darkness that had been creeping up all week, and Kyle's lips on his neck and thigh grinding against him made him feel… something.

The lights danced across the floor, and it seemed like they were travelling in slow motion. A few more drinks and the room began to spin slowly, music pounding half-time in Natsu's ears. His feet were unsteady, but Kyle made sure to wrap a tight arm around his waist. Natsu struggled against it, but his panic was quickly overridden by blurry confusion.

"Why don't we get outta here?" Kyle asked, voice echoing in Natsu's head, and when Natsu shook his head, Kyle gripped his wrist tightly and pulled him down the street to a fancy-looking car. Natsu dropped into the passenger seat, still feeling a thick film colouring everything around him. Street lights began to slip by in bright swathes of light, and Natsu thought for a moment like he might throw up.

His phone buzzed, and he frowned, digging it from his pocket with clumsy fingers. It was from Gray. _Hey, just checking on you. Tell me to fuck off if you want, but you've been out of it lately and I'm worried about you._

Goddamnit. Why did Gray have to care? Natsu leaned against the window, feeling the chill of it pierce through the haze of alcohol. He took a few deep breaths. What the hell was he doing? Fuck… he was supposed to be better. They all were. Here was Gray checking up on him while he was too drunk to tell some drunk asshole _no_.

"I n-need to get out," Natsu slurred, reaching hesitantly for the door handle. Kyle looked over at him. "A-and…" Natsu suddenly realized something. "Y-you shouldn't be driving if y-you're drunk."

"I'm not drunk," Kyle grinned, and suddenly he wasn't handsome, he was a shark with sharp teeth and black eyes. _Shit. Fuck._ Natsu realized suddenly that he didn't _just_ feel drunk – there was a haze of _something else_ behind it.

"Well… I am." Natsu swallowed, feeling everything spin. "I c-changed my mind." The car seemed to be going faster now, speeding through downtown, leaving a trail of exhaust behind it. "Stop."

 _not ok._ He thumbed out a message to Gray on the screen he could barely see. _rlly drunk._ Maybe Gray would come pick him up. Where were they? The street signs seemed to blur past them.

"S-stop," Natsu slurred again, fumbling at the door. His whole body felt heavy, like gravity was pinning him back against the soft leather seats. "Y-you put somethin' in… my d-drink."

"What if I did?" said Kyle, reaching over and running his hand up Natsu's thigh. Natsu tried to jerk away, but his body protested. Kyle took a left turn into somewhere Natsu didn't recognize - where was the ocean? He could find his way from there. Out the window was nothing but blurry street lights.

 _Where are you? I can come get you._ Natsu felt a surge of relief at the text from Gray, then looked over to Kyle and did something incredibly stupid.

Natsu grabbed the steering wheel, veering the vehicle onto the sidewalk until it came to a crashing halt against a fire hydrant. His body jerked forward, head hitting the window and knee slamming into the dash, and Natsu groaned in pain.

"What the fuck?" Kyle was shouting now, but it looked like his seatbelt was stuck and Natsu stumbled out of the car, staggering down the street as pedestrians gaped and nobody asked if he was all right. He dodged around people, stumbling over his own feet, and when he hit the main road, he turned toward the ocean.

The main drag was somewhat familiar, and Natsu realized he wasn't far from the beach. His brain was so fuzzy, people around him distorting like funhouse mirrors, his feet arguing against orders to walk. At one point he stopped and threw up behind a bus stop, to the disdain of several pedestrians.

When he saw the dilapidated dock, Natsu sighed in relief.

 _at the pier,_ he texted Gray, hands shaking as he slumped down into the sand. He ripped his sneakers off, stretching out and letting the surf wash over his bare feet.

 _I'll be there in ten._ Gray's reply was quick, and Natsu breathed a sigh of relief, dropping his head to his knees and taking shaky breaths. His stomach roiled, and he pinched his lips together, willing himself not to throw up again.

What the fuck had just happened? He had almost been raped, that was what. Natsu shuddered at the memory of Kyle's hands on him. How could he have not seen it? He was supposed to be smarter than that. Fuck. _Fuck, fuck, fuck_. Natsu tried to let the sound of the waves wash the shame and terror from his chest.

It felt like no time had passed when headlights washed over Natsu and a car door slammed. A gentle hand on his shoulder made Natsu flinch, but then Gray was crouched in the sand beside him and looking at him with concern.

"Did you take anything else?" Gray was asking, and Natsu felt like the words were in little bubbles. "Natsu, look at me." He blinked slowly, entranced by the way the streetlights made a tiny halo around Gray's head. There was a hand gripping his chin now, and Gray's voice was so soft. "Natsu, did you take something?"

"N-no," Natsu managed, then frowned. "Yes. Guy… at th'club… put somethin' in my drink." Gray swore, and Natsu felt another wave of nausea wash over him. Or was it embarrassment? He couldn't tell.

"I should take you to the hospital," Gray said, moving to stand up, but Natsu shook his head frantically, immediately regretting it.

"Ngggggh… no," he said softly, grabbing his head with both hands. "No hospital." His body was starting to feel light. Was he real? "'m okay." Natsu glanced up at Gray with pleading eyes. He could see indecision flicker across Gray's face.

"Fine," Gray said, looking resigned. "But you're a fucking idiot. What the hell were you thinking?" He sat down next to Natsu, kicking off his sandals, then stretching out his legs and digging his heels into the sand. Was Gray in his pyjamas? Natsu supposed that would make sense since it was… actually, Natsu had no idea what time it was. He felt like crying.

"I- I just wanted…" Natsu stopped, glancing over at Gray. He was staring out at the horizon, hair messy and eyes heavy with sleep. "I wanted to feel alive." Gray sighed softly, and knocked his shoulder against Natsu's.

"There's better ways to do that than sneaking into a club and getting wasted," he said, but his voice was gentle. "Did he… do anything to you?" Natsu swallowed.

"Just- tried to touch…" He rubbed his face, shuddering. "I made him crash his car."

"You _what_?" Gray looked up at him, incredulous.

"I t-told him I changed my m-mind, but he wasn't listening." Natsu could feel the tension radiating off Gray now. "I kinda panicked." Gray exhaled softly.

"Are you okay? Physically, I mean, you're obviously not okay emotionally. Did he hurt you?" Natsu didn't answer, ignoring his throbbing temple as he leaned forward and rested his head on his knees. The air off the ocean was helping bring him back to reality, but he still felt fuzzy.

"No, 'm fine," he said softly. Gray nodded. They sat there for a while, shoulders still touching, until Natsu's head began to bob forward with sleep.

"All right, up you get," Gray grumbled, pulling himself to his feet and helping Natsu up. "And I _will_ take you to the hospital if I think you need it." Natsu protested softly but Gray ignored him, helping him back to the Buick where he deposited Natsu in the front seat.

"Where's home?" Gray asked, and Natsu gazed up at him blearily, shaking his head.

"No home," he whispered, feeling a heavy weight in his chest. Gray nodded, then threw the car in reverse and pulled away from the beach.

Natsu sighed, leaning against the window as Gray started the car. He watched the lights pass by again, this time feeling a sense of contentment and safety. He was half-asleep when they parked, and remembered leaning heavily on Gray while they headed up a set of stairs. Then there was a glass of water, and a warm bed, and as soon as he hit the pillow, he was asleep.

* * *

The next morning, Natsu woke to a purring cat curled up next to him.

"Hello, kitty," he mumbled, mouth thick and fuzzy. The cat _mrowled_ at him, butting its head up against his hand as he petted it. He blinked a few times, vaguely recalling going drinking last night, then groaned. What the fuck had he done?

He rolled over, seeing a glass of water and a couple of white pills on the nightstand, along with a note.

 _I'm down at the pool,_ it said in Gray's neat, precise handwriting. _There's coffee in the kitchen, help yourself to breakfast. I'll be back around ten or you can come down, pool is on the second floor._

Natsu sat up slowly, feeling the headache race up the back of his head and pound into his temples. He groaned, breathing heavily and trying not to puke. Popping the aspirin into his mouth, he washed them down with the water, then swung his legs up over the edge of the bed and stood. His legs were shaky at first, but it wasn't the worst hangover he'd ever had.

He looked around at the bedroom. Was this Gray's house? Where were his parents? Did they know about the drunk – and high – boy that he'd brought home last night? When Natsu glanced down he realized that he was still in his sweater and jeans, which was a relief. At least Gray hadn't tried to undress him. He flushed as he thought about how he wouldn't mind if Gray _did_ try to undress him – when he was sober, anyway.

The cat jumped off the bed and sauntered out of the room, so Natsu followed it into a modern-looking kitchen. A three-quarters-full pot of coffee was sitting on the counter, with a mug set out next to it. Natsu hesitated. He _did_ want the coffee, but he also didn't want to answer Gray's questions about what had happened last night. Shame, embarrassment and nausea welled up inside of him as he thought about what had happened.

Leaving the coffee alone, Natsu grabbed his shoes from the front door and headed out into the hallway, taking the elevator down to the second floor. The pool was the first door he saw, and Natsu peered through the small window next to it. Gray was swimming laps, and when he reached the end of the pool nearest the door, he slowly pulled himself out of the water and stood up, shaking the water from his hair.

Natsu gaped. There was no denying it this time, he was _definitely_ ogling Gray. While he was disappointed that Gray was wearing a t-shirt and wasn't topless, the wet fabric clung to his body in _very_ appealing ways. His swim trunks sat low on his body, and where his shirt rode up, Natsu could see the edge of his hipbone curving tantalizingly downward. _Holy shit._

Natsu hesitated for a moment, fingers on the door handle, then took a step back and sighed. Gray deserved better. He shouldn't have had to get up in the middle of the night to pick up a drunk waste of a human being, and he shouldn't have to deal with Natsu's shit the morning after. Natsu took one last look at Gray towelling off, then reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone.

 _thanks for the save,_ he texted, hands trembling, as he walked down the hallway and headed for the stairs. _see you on monday._


	9. suspicions and concerns

_do you care if i don't know what to say?  
_ _will you sleep tonight, will you think of me?  
_ _will i shake this off, pretend it's all okay  
that there's someone out there who feels just like me?  
_ _there is  
_ \- boxcar racer, "there is"

Gray was disappointed but not surprised to see the text from Natsu when he finally made it back to the apartment. He sighed, pouring himself another cup of coffee and then heading to the living room, where he slumped down on the couch and tucked his legs up underneath him.

He pulled out his phone again, typing up a response to Natsu. _You gonna be okay?_ What the hell had Natsu been thinking? If Gray hadn't texted him, that guy could have taken him home and… well, Gray didn't want to think about that. He flipped back to his contacts list and hovered over Lucy's name.

 _Hey, it's Gray. Is Natsu okay?_ Gray knew that Lucy had a much longer and more involved friendship with Natsu than he did, but Lucy hadn't picked him up last night while he was drunk and drugged. _He seems out of it. I'm kinda worried about him._

He didn't receive any response, but he figured she was probably busy with Kaden. Gray sighed, running his fingers through his slowly-drying hair. His shoulder throbbed with a mild ache – swimming usually strained it, but his physiotherapist said it was good for the muscle.

A trilling ringtone sounded from the tablet on the coffee table, and Gray picked it up, realizing someone was Skyping him. He smiled, swiping to answer.

"Uncle Gray!" His niece Sylvie appeared on the screen, dark hair wild and messy, face sticky with some sort of food. " _Mangé crêpes pour déjeuner_!" Gray laughed.

"I can see you had pancakes for breakfast, _coco_ ," he replied in French. "You have syrup on your face!" She stuck her tongue out at him and he returned the gesture. "What are maman and papa doing?"

"Papa cleaning," she replied, dropping the tablet and then setting it on the counter again. Gray could see Ultear in the background, rounding up the other kids.

" _Bonjour_ , Gray!" she called out, grabbing a piece of Lego away from baby Félix and placing him in the middle of the living room. "How are you feeling today?" Gray considered the question.

"Pain's about a three right now," he said finally. "I just got back from swimming. Otherwise… maybe a five?" Ultear looked concerned, settling down on the floor next to Sylvie and peering at Gray.

"You were doing a lot better earlier in the week," she said, frowning. "What's going on?"

Gray hesitated. He'd been doing these check-ins with his sister ever since he had moved back into his own apartment a few months ago. He was generally honest with her – she was a social worker and had seen a lot of worst-case scenarios, so he didn't feel like she judged him too much. Gray just wasn't sure how much he should say about Natsu.

"I'm worried about my friend," he said finally, chewing on his nail. Happy jumped up onto his lap and meowed at him, much to Sylvie's delight.

"The guitar player?" Ultear asked with a raised eyebrow. Gray blushed. He hadn't meant to let that detail slip – he was happy to tell Ultear about his friends, but not necessarily his crushes. He nodded, though.

"I…" Gray tapped his fingers against his leg. "Can Xavier take Sylvie for a minute?" Ultear nodded, motioning at her husband. Sylvie pouted, but waved at Gray and giggled when he blew her a kiss. When she was out of the frame, Gray sighed. "I had to pick him up last night," he said. "He's underage, he must have a fake ID and went drinking and got…" He paused for a second, uncertain of the word for 'roofie' in French. "Someone put something in his drink."

Ultear kept her face neutral. "Is he okay?" She asked. Gray bobbed his head back and forth uncertainly.

"I'm not sure. I brought him back here." His cheeks flushed bright red. "It was three in the morning, I didn't know what else to do. I gave him some aspirin and water… he was pretty much unconscious when we got back here anyway." Gray stroked Happy's head and Happy purred appreciatively. "I was swimming when he woke up. I left him a note but he just took off."

"Do you know if he's safe now?" Ultear asked. Gray shook his head.

"I dunno." He hesitated. "I've been driving him after group, but he always gets me to drop him off at a café or something. I don't think he goes home at night."

"What makes you think that?"

"He's always wearing the same clothes, and sometimes he just looks… like he hasn't brushed his hair or shaved or whatever. I dunno what's going on at home for him, he never talks about it." Ultear nodded. "He's all over the place, too. When I first met him, he was practically bouncing off shit and wouldn't shut up, and then the past few days he's been sad and angry and snapping at people."

"Those do sound like troubling behaviours," Ultear said, giving Gray a contemplative stare. "I'm not a psychiatrist, but it sounds like something might be going on mentally. Sometimes those kinds of illnesses will cause people to take dangerous risks."

Gray thought of Natsu's wild eyes in the moonlight, of the abandoned pier, of gazing at the stars across the ocean.

His phone dinged suddenly, and he glanced down. Unfortunately, it wasn't Natsu – it was a response from Lucy.

 _I haven't heard from him since group yesterday_ , she said. _He gets these moods, Gray, it's happened before. He'll tell you about it when he's ready._

Gray sighed, rubbing his face. He didn't want to tell Lucy about last night – Natsu would probably be pissed if he did – but he was also scared of it happening again. Why did it seem like he was the only one that was concerned about this?

"What are you thinking about?" Ultear asked softly, and Gray glanced back up at the tablet, blinking.

"His other friends say he gets moody like this and it's normal for him, but… I'm worried he's gonna do something stupid."

"You can't save him, Gray," Ultear cautioned gently. "No matter how much you care for him." Gray felt himself blushing again, but he glared at her stubbornly.

"I'm not trying to save him," he insisted. Happy meowed in agreement. "You keep telling me to meet people and make friends, and I am. And now I think my friend is in trouble and I want to help him."

"Why don't you ask him to do something else this evening?" She suggested. "Something safe, that will keep him out of trouble, so to speak." Gray sighed.

"I think he's embarrassed," he replied sadly. "Right now, he's not even answering my texts. I don't think he wants to see me."

"I don't know if there's much you can do, then." Ultear stood up and moved to a chair, balancing the tablet on her knees. She looked tired.

"Yeah," Gray said, stretching his shoulder out again and wincing. "I dunno. Maybe he does go home, maybe he's fine. I guess I don't know him very well." He took a sip of his coffee and sighed. "I'm probably just worrying for nothing."

"You're a good person, Gray," Ultear said, smiling at him. "You care deeply for other people. It's your best quality." Gray looked away from the screen, not sure what to say. "Thank you for trusting me with this." Ultear's voice was soft and sincere, and it made Gray feel strange. "It means so much to me."

"I should get going, I have to work this morning," he mumbled. The affection in her voice made him feel uncomfortable, and he wasn't sure why.

"Not a problem," Ultear said. "Are you coming over Tuesday evening? Sylvie has been asking for you to watch _Frozen_ with her again." Gray laughed, taking another sip of his coffee.

"Tell her I wouldn't miss it," he replied.

"See you then. _Bonne chance, je t'aime_."

"I love you too," he said quietly, feeling very alone as the screen went dark.

* * *

 **French Translations**  
Mangé crêpes pour déjeuner! - Ate pancakes for breakfast!  
Coco - sweetheart  
Bonne chance, je t'aime. - Good luck, I love you.


	10. it only hurt a bit

_TW for physical abuse, homophobic slurs, and references to self-harm_

* * *

 _it only hurt a bit, but i still feel like shit  
_ _i think you won't be able to recognize me now  
_ _it's easier to quit, it's harder to admit  
_ _and you're pushing me, you're fucking pushing me  
_ \- marianas trench, "skin & bones"

The morning air was cold, and Natsu pulled his hoodie tighter around him as thick, heavy flakes drifted down onto his hair. Christmas was only a week away, and the main street of Magnolia was decorated with multicolored lights, angels, and snowflakes.

Natsu growled, shaking the image of Gray's concerned eyes from his head. He was still fuzzy from whatever had been in his drink last night, and his memories were hazy. The clearest thing was Gray's voice, full of worry and unease, asking if Natsu was okay. Natsu vaguely recalled a stranger's hand on his thigh, the car crash and running to the beach, but everything after that was... murky.

Natsu's stomach growled and he sighed. He had barely enough change in his pocket for a cup of coffee, and he was starting to regret not having some at Gray's place. His phone buzzed and he pulled it out of his pocket, looking down at the unsaved number.

 _we meeting tmw, same place? i got the money._

Natsu groaned – he'd almost forgotten. Part of him was tempted to ignore the message, but he needed the cash.

 _yeah, ill be there,_ Natsu replied.

He ended up swiping someone's order from Starbucks - it was surprisingly easy to claim that his name was Dylan (who was serendipitously in the washroom), and that yes, he had ordered a bagel and a caramel macchiato. It was the perfect combination of sugar and caffeine, and he sipped the coffee slowly as he wandered down the street.

His phone vibrated again – this time it was Gray. _You gonna be okay?_ Natsu sighed, snapping the phone shut and shoving it in his pocket.

 _Stop caring,_ he thought. _I don't deserve it._ He felt a tightness in his chest – the darkness slowly creeping in again, laughing at his failures from the night before and promising to take good care of him now.

His fingers itched to respond to Gray's message, to say, _no, I'm not okay, I'm crashing hard and I don't know what to do._ But the darkness whispered to him instead.

 _He doesn't care_ , it said. _After last night, he knows what a fuckup you are. He knows you're worthless._

Natsu set his jaw, dashing across the street to the surprise of several vehicles, which blared their horns at him angrily. A bus was idling at the stop, orange numbers illuminating the way home. Natsu slipped on while the driver was busy smoking, and found a seat in the back where he curled up with his breakfast.

The trip took just over an hour, and he spent the entire time polishing his sketch of Gray from last week. Focusing on the cut of Gray's jaw, the curve of his neck, the angle of his fingers – it kept him from thinking about what he was getting himself into.

When he finally got off the bus and saw Don's truck in the driveway, he groaned. _Fuck._ He glanced in the front window and saw his foster father sprawled in a recliner, whiskey in hand, watching some sports channel on the TV. If he was quiet enough, Natsu might be able to sneak in the back door, grab what he needed, and get out again without being noticed.

The back door squeaked, but Don didn't appear to hear it since he didn't shout. Natsu crossed his fingers and dashed down the hallway until he was outside his room. It was tiny and cramped, and didn't look lived in. Sighing, he slipped inside, grabbing some clean clothes and depositing his dirty ones in the laundry basket.

From there, he snuck into Don's room – thankfully Don had forgotten to lock it. Natsu dodged the empty bottles and dirty laundry until he was in the ensuite bathroom, opening the medicine cabinet and rummaging around until he found the container he was looking for. _Perfect_. He shoved it in his backpack and began the trip back out.

"NATSU!"

 _Fuck_. He had almost made it to the door when Don's gravelly voice echoed through the dirty kitchen. Natsu bit his lip, contemplating running for it. There was a handful of change next to the ashtray, and it might be enough for a bus back down to central city.

"Where the fuck do you think you're going?" Don lumbered into the kitchen, eyes already red with drink, and stared down at Natsu with disdain.

Natsu stayed quiet. Everyone told him he talked too much, but this was the one place where silence could potentially keep him safe. He dropped his eyes to the floor, keeping the ashtray in his peripheral vision. He _might_ be able to slip past Don if he was fast enough.

"Finally decided to come home again, eh?" Don scowled at him, waving his bottle in the air for emphasis. "You off fucking around with _boys_ again?" Natsu winced, unconsciously bringing his arms up to protect his chest. Don knew he wore long sleeves to hide the scars, so bruises there would stay out of sight as well. The fingerprints from last week still ached. "Answer me, faggot."

Natsu took a deep breath, then dashed across the kitchen and swerved around Don, grabbing the change as he did so. He had almost made it to the door when Don grabbed him by his backpack and yanked him backwards, throwing him into the wall.

"You ungrateful little shit," Don snarled as he grabbed Natsu by the front of his hoodie, slamming Natsu's head back into the wall so hard he saw stars. Natsu cried out in pain as Don backhanded him, heavy gold ring slamming into his jaw with a loud _crack_.

 _It doesn't matter,_ Natsu thought, trying to breathe through the pain. _It doesn't matter. It'll be over soon._ Another fist, this time to his cheek, and he doubled over, feeling like he might vomit. _It doesn't matter. It's just pain._

"You know what, just get the fuck out of here," Don growled, opening the screen door and shoving Natsu outside. "You're almost an adult. You think you're so smart, go survive on your own."

Natsu gasped, stumbling backward and then turning from the house and _fleeing_ with an intensity he didn't know he had. He flew past the bus station, blood running from his nose, jaw bursting with pain, tears streaming down his cheeks. His worn sneakers slapped the pavement, and his lungs burned from the exertion. Finally, when he couldn't run anymore, he collapsed on a bench and sat there, trembling.

"Fuck," Natsu whispered, pulling his knees to his chest and taking deep breaths, entire body shaking. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." His face ached, and he wiped the blood from his nose with the back of his hand.

Natsu pulled his phone out of his pocket, barely able to open it with his shaking hands, and thumbed through his contacts. He hovered over Lucy's name, but the thought of her father's disappointed face filled him with dread, so he kept scrolling down until he found SNOWFLAKE.

 _i need help._

Natsu's thumb hovered over the "send" button. Was this smart? He had never told anyone about Don, even though he knew that Lucy suspected. Shivering, he looked around. It was getting too cold to sleep outside, and Natsu was getting desperate. He took a breath and went to send the message, but his phone went dark in his hand.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Natsu whispered, pressing the power button over and over. His chest felt tight, and the darkness was spreading, an uncontrollable heaviness in his limbs. He felt the tears starting again, hot and thick, and he threw his phone to the ground.

 _It doesn't matter,_ he thought, curling up on the bench with his backpack underneath his head and sobbing softly. _It doesn't matter. It's just pain._

* * *

When Natsu finally woke up, he pulled himself together and headed to the abandoned parking lot in central city where he met the nameless guy who bought the pills Natsu had swiped from Don's room. Natsu's skin crawled when he took the money, revulsion and shame winding their way up his arms and into his bloodstream.

It was enough for a meal and a phone charger. Natsu ate in the corner of a crappy restaurant, and when the light on his phone finally turned green, he flipped it open to see the unsent message to Gray. He deleted it angrily. What had he been thinking? He'd missed several messages, all from Gray, and Natsu's chest tightened as he read them.

 _Please just let me know you're okay. I'm really worried about you._

 _If you need a place to stay, my couch is always free._

 _Natsu, are you okay? Are you safe?_

He deleted them all.

* * *

"Are you _shaving_?" Natsu jumped at the unexpected voice and the razor slid under his skin, blood bubbling around the cut.

"Fuck." He set the razor down, grabbing a piece of paper towel and dabbing the wound. He could see Gray's perplexed reflection in the mirror, door to the centre bathroom half-open behind him.

"No, I'm summoning Satan," Natsu muttered sarcastically. "Of course I'm shaving." He removed the paper towel and watched the blood bead up again, spilling down his chin. It made him feel uneasy. The heaviness in his chest was pressing down hard, and this wasn't helping.

"Sorry," Gray said softly, still staring. "I didn't mean to scare you." His gaze trailed over the purple and black bruise that ran from Natsu's temple to his jaw, and stretched under his eye. "Holy shit, what happened?"

"I got punched in the face," Natsu replied sarcastically. He wiped away the blood with his fingers and swallowed hard, thinking of it spilling from somewhere else. "Are you just gonna stand there and stare at me or are you gonna piss?" His voice was tight and he knew he was being an asshole, but he didn't care. Something dark had settled into his bones, and he didn't have the patience to be kind.

"Y-yeah, sorry," Gray stammered, dropping his gaze and slipping into one of the stalls. Natsu sighed, picking up the razor and scraping the last of the stubble from his chin. He rinsed it, then stood for a moment, staring at the blades. It would be easy to peel them out, to run the sharp edges down his arms, to fucking _feel_ something other than this goddamn buzzing in his head.

"Seriously, are you okay?" Gray was there again, washing his hands at the sink, watching Natsu stare angrily at his razor. Natsu growled, shoving it and the shaving cream back into his backpack and splashing water over his face. "Who hit you? Did you… not sleep at home?"

"I was sick, and I stayed over at a friend's place again," Natsu lied, voice sharp with irritation. He ignored the first question. "Forgot to shave before I left. Can I go now, or are you gonna continue the goddamn Spanish Inquisition?" Regret flooded his body before he even finished the sentence, but he just couldn't stop.

Surprisingly, Gray didn't look irritated. Instead, he wore that same _concerned_ expression that everyone had when they looked at Natsu. All furrowed brows and sad eyes and pursed lips, like _hey, look at this fuckup, isn't it sad how badly he's messed up his life?_ Natsu wanted to punch it off Gray's face, and before he knew it, his fist was flying through the air.

"What the fuck?!" Gray staggered backwards, hand rising to his split lip, brow furrowed. Natsu blinked, looking down at his clenched hand with a mixture of surprise and remorse.

"Shit…I-I'm sorry…" he stammered, backing away until he hit the wall. "Fuck, I'm… I… I didn't mean…" The buzzing was louder now, drowning out everything, running through his body and he just wanted it to _stop, stop, it's too loud._

"It's okay," Gray said slowly, wiping the blood from his lip with the back of his hand. "Seriously, you don't seem okay." He sighed. "I'm worried about you."

"You shouldn't be." Natsu's voice was flat now, fighting through the thickness in his throat. "Just haven't been sleeping well. I'm fine." He scrubbed his face with one hand. Gray didn't say anything.

 _Just leave_ , Natsu thought, trying to ignore the tiny pinpricks dancing across his skin. _I need to make this go away._ A thought was building in the back of his mind, had been since Friday – he _knew_ how to make it all stop. The knowledge settled in his stomach next to the darkness, nestling into it like a familiar lover.

"Okay," Gray said finally, tucking his hands into his pockets. "But… if you, y'know, need to talk, I'm not the worst listener." Natsu laughed a little at that, finally making eye contact. Gray grinned at him, even through the split lip, and it broke through the darkness for just a moment.

 _I'm sorry,_ Natsu thought. _I hope you can forgive me._


	11. the feelings and the day they stopped

_TW hidden at bottom for spoilers_

* * *

 _i remember feeling low and i remember losing hope  
_ _and i remember all the feelings and the day they stopped  
_ \- our lady peace, "innocent"

When Gray's phone rang that evening and Lucy's name popped up on the caller ID, he immediately knew something was wrong.

"Is Natsu with you?" Her voice sounded strained.

"No," Gray replied, pushing his computer chair away from his desk. "I offered him a ride after group and he said he was staying there to work on some new music."

Natsu had been uncharacteristically quiet after their encounter in the bathroom that morning, declining to share in group and then spending practice time in the corner, scribbling in his notebook. The strangest thing of all had been the way Natsu had grabbed Gray's wrist as he had turned to leave, then pulled Gray into an awkward side hug and whispered _thank you_ into his ear.

"I just sent you a screenshot," Lucy said. Gray pulled his phone away from his ear, flipped the sound to speakerphone, and opened his texts. Lucy had sent him an image of her message history with Natsu, centered on the most recent text from him.

 _i'm sorry for everything, luce. your a great friend. its not your fault._

Gray's breath caught in his chest, and a chill ran up his arms. His text alert dinged again, and he saw a message from Natsu pop up.

 _thanks for taking care of me. your a good person. its not your fault._

"Shit," Gray swore, typing out a quick reply. _Where are you? I'm coming to get you. Don't do anything stupid._ "He just texted me too." He could hear Lucy let out a shuddering sob on her end of the phone.

"I'm so scared," she whispered. "You were right. This is worse than before."

"He ran out of time to tell me about that on his own terms," Gray growled, grabbing his jacket and keys and darting down the stairs two at a time. "What's wrong with him?" Lucy sniffed.

"He's bipolar," she said softly. "He… had a really bad bit a while back, and hurt himself pretty badly." She paused for a second. "He has meds now but I don't think he's taking them." Gray threw his car door open, slid into the driver's seat, and tucked his phone into the breast pocket of his jacket so he could still hear Lucy.

"I'm on my way back to the Center," he said, slamming the car into drive and pulling a u-turn out of his parking spot. "I should be there in fifteen minutes, less if I don't hit any red lights." _I'll blow through them anyway,_ he thought. "You call the police."

"B-but…" Lucy faltered. "The police will call his foster dad."

Gray took a deep breath, clenching his hands around the steering wheel and sliding through a yellow light. The road was icy tonight, and the swirling snow made it hard to see.

"Is that who hit him?" he asked. His voice was hard and angry, and he knew it wasn't fair to Lucy but he was just so fucking _scared_.

"I… I think so." She sounded so broken and dejected, and he could hear her crying. "He n-never t-tells me anything." Gray glanced around for cop cars before blowing through a stop sign. "My dad won't help, h-he just says N-natsu is a bad influence."

"It's not your fault," Gray said, softening his voice as he echoed the sentiment in Natsu's text. He tried to remember that Lucy was only sixteen, scared and uncertain. "I'll be there soon, and I'll text you as soon as I know anything."

"Thank you, Gray." She took a shaky breath. "You're a good person." Gray snorted. Why did people keep telling him that? "I'll let you know if I hear from him again."

Gray hung up and immediately tried to call Natsu, only to reach the irritating _the number you dialed is currently unavailable, please try again later_ message that made Gray want to throw his phone out the window. He sent another text with one hand while navigating the roads with the other. _Answer your phone. Please._

When he finally arrived at the Youth Center, Gray threw the car into park and jumped out, dashing across the parking lot and slamming the front door open. It was getting late – almost ten thirty, but there was always someone here until midnight.

"Natsu?" Gray shouted, peeking into the common room but seeing nobody except Graham – one of the supervisors. "Hey, have you seen a kid with pink hair? Bit shorter than me, piercings?" The man looked up from his phone and nodded.

"Yeah, half an hour ago maybe? I think he was heading to the art room." Gray didn't bother thanking him, just dashed down the corridor, heart pounding.

"Natsu! You in here?" The tables in the art room were mostly cleared, but Gray's sharp eyes found a familiar black backpack shoved underneath a desk in the corner. As he approached, Gray realized that Natsu's notebook was laying on the table, open to the assignment from group today.

 ** _i cant forgive myself…  
_** _for letting Don hit me  
_ _for not fighting back  
_ _for having a fucked up brain  
_ _for making Gray take care of me when i was wasted cause i don't deserve it_

Gray's chest clenched as he read the words. The list was long, but at the very bottom, two lines stood out.

 _for being too weak to do it right the first time  
_ _for leaving a mess behind for someone else to find_

The last word was smeared, and Gray felt the unease under his skin become icy dread. He glanced around the classroom again, then his gaze fell on the unused storage room at the back. It was closed, which wasn't abnormal, but Gray could see a light underneath the door. _Shit._ Gray skidded over to the door, trying the handle. Locked.

"Natsu!" Gray's voice sounded strange in his own ears. "Natsu, are you in there?" He banged on the door again and got no response, but when he bent down, he could see a dark silhouette. "Natsu!" No answer. Panic raced through Gray's body, and he jiggled the handle again. "Natsu, open the fucking door!"

This time, he heard a soft voice slurring words together.

"Fuck." Gray wrenched on the handle, but the door stayed locked. "Natsu! Can you hear me? Open the door!" There was no response.

Gray growled and then slammed his shoulder into the door, grunting as pain sparked down his side. He shook it off and did it again, this time hearing a satisfying _crack_ as the wood began to give way. He switched shoulders and threw himself forward one last time, stumbling forward as the lock broke and the door swung open.

"Holy shit."

Gray dropped to his knees next to Natsu, who was leaning against the wall and gazing ahead of him, eyes unfocused. He cradled his left arm next to his stomach, and Gray could see a deep, jagged gash running from Natsu's wrist to the middle of his forearm. Blood spilled down over Natsu's legs and was pooling on the floor. Gray felt faint, like he couldn't suck in enough air.

Natsu made a weak sound of confusion, and it snapped Gray out of his shock. He whipped out his phone and dialed 9-1-1, setting it on the floor and turning it to speakerphone. Then he tore off his hoodie and pressed it against Natsu's arm.

"GRAHAM!" Gray shouted. "You're gonna be okay," he whispered to Natsu, who blinked at him slowly. God, he hoped he wasn't lying.

"9-1-1, do you need police, fire or ambulance?" The woman's voice was tinny.

"A-ambulance," Gray replied, trying to take deep breaths. Natsu wasn't resisting, just gazing at Gray with unfocused eyes. His skin was clammy and he had started to shiver.

"What is the address of your emergency?"

"M-magnolia Youth Center." Gray's hands were shaking so badly that he could barely hold the sweater in place, and he could feel the blood soaking through it already.

"What's your name, sir?"

"G-gray. M-my friend tried to kill himself, he's bleeding everywhere and I d-don't know how to stop it." Panic was creeping into Gray's voice. He suddenly noticed a small razor blade in Natsu's right hand and he grabbed it angrily, throwing it across the bathroom. Natsu didn't react.

"All right Gray, an ambulance is on its way, it should arrive in less than five minutes. I need you to stay calm for me, okay?" Gray didn't respond. He was NOT calm. "Are you putting pressure on the wound?" Gray mumbled an affirmative. "Good. What's your friend's name?"

"N-natsu." Gray reached up and tapped Natsu's face a couple times, feeling somewhat encouraged when the slow gaze moved toward his. Natsu's pupils were tiny points, barely visible in the seas of his irises. "Look at me," Gray whispered. "C'mon…"

"Has he physically harmed himself?" the dispatcher asked. "Or has he taken anything – pills or alcohol?"

"Uh, yeah, h-he cut his arm, it's really deep." Gray tried to keep Natsu's gaze. "He seems really out of it, I think he – oh wait, I think I found them." He reached past Natsu's leg and found an empty pill container on the ground. "It's, um..." The name on the label was unfamiliar, and Gray didn't recognize the medication. He spelled it out to the operator. "Natsu, how many of these did you take?"

"D'nno," Natsu slurred, head lolling to one side. _Fuck._

"T-the bottle says it had sixty in it, I dunno how many he took." Gray could hear the operator typing something. That couldn't be good. _Shit, shit, shit_.

"G-gray," Natsu mumbled, gesturing feebly at the pool of blood surrounding them. Gray could feel it soaking through the knees of his jeans. He breathed deeply to quell his nausea. "'M s-rry."

"Jesus fucking Christ!" Graham had finally appeared, and was staring at Gray in shock. "Gray, what-"

"I'm on the phone with 9-1-1, ambulance is on its way, go let them in." The words came out of Gray's mouth in a rush, and when Graham hesitated, Gray shouted, "GO!"

He turned back to Natsu, dropping the pill container and resting his hand on Natsu's cheek – Natsu was freezing, and his lips were taking on a bluish tinge. Gray didn't know much about medicine, but he was fairly certain this wasn't a good sign.

"Stay with me," he whispered, pressing harder on the makeshift bandage around Natsu's arm. "Please." Suddenly, Natsu's breath started to stutter erratically. Gray swore, watching helplessly as Natsu gasped for air.

"Fuck," he whispered. "He's having trouble breathing. It's like he's… drowning or something." His voice broke and he felt himself starting to cry. "Natsu, c'mon, please…"

"Is he still conscious?" the dispatcher asked. Natsu's breathing was shallow now, but he wasn't struggling, and his eyes fluttered closed.

"I don't know," Gray said, his voice catching. "H-he won't look at me." He felt himself beginning to hyperventilate.

"The ambulance is there now." Gray nodded, hearing the wail of sirens and then a clang as the main door opened. _Please, please don't die._

"In here!" Gray heard Graham shouting and the sound of footsteps in the hallway. A young woman in a blue uniform slipped into the storage room, followed shortly by a man with dark hair.

"I can take over from here," the woman said to Gray gently. He tried to argue, but the man pulled Gray away from Natsu's still body.

"My name is Matt," he said. "Are you hurt?" Gray didn't answer, eyes fixed on Natsu. "Okay, we're going to help your friend right now. Is there someone you need to call?"

Gray finally looked up at the EMT and shook his head. Graham hovered in the background, talking quietly on his cell phone.

"Matt, I need oxygen," the female paramedic demanded. Matt placed a gentle hand on Gray's arm, then moved to help his coworker. A flurry of technical terms flew between them, and Gray backed into the wall and slowly slid down until he was sitting on the floor, staring at his bloody hands. _There was so much blood._ Gray swallowed down a wave of nausea, tears still rolling down his cheeks.

"Is he gonna be okay?" His voice was barely more than a whisper, and neither of the paramedics heard him as they lifted Natsu's unconscious body onto the stretcher. An IV ran from Natsu's right hand, and an oxygen mask rested over his face.

"Are you coming in the ambulance?" Matt asked. Gray stared for a moment, then nodded slowly. He managed to grab Natsu's bag on the way out the door, shoving the notebook inside the front pocket.

Gray felt like he was sleepwalking as he slid into the passenger seat of the ambulance. Matt hopped in next to him and flipped the sirens on as they sped out of the parking lot and onto the road. Gray rested his forearms on his knees, breathing frantic. The woman in the back was yelling things that Gray didn't understand, and each time he looked back, Natsu's body was still.

"Is he dead?" Gray's voice broke and Matt looked over at him.

"What's your name?"

"G-gray." His hands and jeans were still sticky with Natsu's blood. His _blood_. Could you lose that much blood and live?

"Gray, I need you to take deep breaths. We're doing everything we can for your friend, but we need you to stay calm. Is there somebody you need to contact?" Gray was about to shake his head, but then he realized – Lucy. He had to tell Lucy. He dug his phone out of his pocket and thumbed to her number, then deleted and rewrote several messages before finally sending one.

 _I found Natsu, it's not good. Can you come to the hospital?_

His phone chimed almost immediately in response. _What happened? Is he okay? I'll find a way to get there._

Gray's fingers hovered over the keyboard. He couldn't think of any way to succinctly explain the nightmare he was currently living, so he dropped the phone to his lap again and risked another glance back at Natsu.

"Do you know if he has any ID on him?" Matt asked. Gray hesitated. He'd heard enough of Ultear's horror stories to know that there was no good outcome for Natsu if the hospital knew the truth.

"I don't think so," Gray lied, wiping his face with the back of his hand. He briefly wondered why he was shivering, then realized that he was only wearing a t-shirt and it was the middle of December.

Gray took a couple of deep breaths, then pulled out his phone and thumbed through his contacts until he found his sister.

 _J'ai besoin de ton aide._

He didn't have to wait long for her response. _Qu'est-il arrivé?_

 _My friend tried to kill himself,_ Gray continued in French. _I'm in the ambulance with him. I don't know what to do._ Gray stared numbly at the ellipses that blinked in the message window for several seconds, waiting for a reply.

 _Oh, Gray. Are you all right? I can meet you at the ER._

 _Please. And no, I'm not._

 _Stay in the waiting room. I'll come find you._

Gray breathed a small sigh. Maybe Ultear could help. _If_ Natsu made it. Fuck. Just thinking that pushed a fresh set of hot tears down Gray's cheeks. His breath hiccupped, and he could feel Matt looking at him sympathetically.

"Are you his partner?" Matt's voice was gentle, but Gray barely heard the words, just the pounding of his own heart in his ears. "Try to take deep breaths."

After several minutes, the ambulance rolled into the bay and the two EMTs jumped out, wheeling Natsu into the triage area. Gray stumbled along behind them uncertainly. Matt leaned over and said something to the plump, friendly-looking woman behind the desk, and she glanced over at Gray sympathetically.

"Come here, honey," she said gently, taking Gray's arm and leading him to a plastic chair. His limbs felt like lead. "Do you have somebody you can call?" Why did everyone keep asking him that? His chest was so tight; he struggled to suck breath into his lungs.

"Is he gonna be okay?" Gray whispered. Nobody would answer him. Everything sounded like he was underwater. The woman gave him a comforting smile.

"The doctors are with him now," she said, moving back behind her desk and pulling up a computer screen. "They're going to stabilize him and then someone will come speak with you. Do you have his personal information?"

Gray blinked, realizing he didn't know Natsu's address. But he didn't want to give that anyway. Before he even realized he was speaking, he had given her his own address and phone number.

"Health care card?" she asked, but he shook his head. She typed up a few more things, then gestured behind Gray. "Why don't you head to the washroom and clean yourself up." Her voice was gentle, and Gray looked down at his hands, realizing that there was still blood smeared up his forearms.

Gray nodded numbly, then stood and stumbled out into the waiting area, full of coughing and groaning and uncomfortable plastic chairs. Everything seemed to blur in front of him, and he staggered toward the washroom, not stopping until he was locked in a stall. Then he fell to his knees and threw up violently.

His chest shuddered as he grasped the seat, and a fresh wave of nausea flew through him as he realized he was leaving bloody handprints behind.

"Oh, god," he sobbed, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and collapsing back against the wall. He pulled his knees to his chest, then gagged at the heavy copper tang that saturated the fabric. "FUCK!" A wounded, animal sound tore from his throat as he wrapped his arms around himself, wanting to vomit again but knowing there was nothing left in his stomach.

 _Please don't die, Natsu_. The tears dripped down Gray's chin and began to dot his shirt and arms, and all he could think about was how fucking _cold_ Natsu had felt. _Please. I need you to be okay._

* * *

 ******TW for suicide attempt******

* * *

 **French Translations**  
J'ai besoin de ton aide. = I need your help.  
Qu'est-il arrivé? = What happened?


	12. drowning

Natsu was dreaming. He was swimming in the ocean, feet drifting over pieces of seaweed and hands pushing the water away from him. He could taste salt in his mouth, and he wasn't certain if that was from the sea, or from his tears. Waves rocked gently over him, but instead of taking him to shore, they dragged him further and further away, until he could no longer see land.

The water began to churn violently, and he kicked his feet harder, realizing with a sudden jolt that he didn't know how to swim. The sky darkened; heavy black clouds rolled over him as if in stop motion. Rain pattered on the ocean's surface, drops making tiny waves in the infinite vastness of the sea.

Natsu tried to call for help, but nothing came out of his mouth but tiny bubbles that drifted upward, popping in the rain. The waves became more forceful, slamming into him and pushing his head underwater. He kicked again, struggling to break the surface. Something grabbed his feet, twisted around his ankles, began to pull him downward.

 _...need a transfusion... type him, don't have his information... massive blood loss..._

Faint sound broke through the crashing waves, like static on a radio, but Natsu was dragged underwater and everything became soft and muted. He found he could keep his eyes open, and to his surprise, the ocean floor looked like Don's house. Natsu kicked at the tendrils around his ankles, trying desperately to swim backwards away from the scene.

 _...gave it to counteract what he took... more oxygen, he's not breathing..._

A hand wrapped around his wrist, cool and comforting, and began to tug him back toward the ocean's surface, but the tendrils resisted. Natsu looked up to see who the hand was attached to, but the figure was backlit by blinding sunlight. Natsu kicked whatever was grabbing his ankles again, then reached out with his other hand and grabbed the mysterious figure's wrist.

 _...he's crashing..._

And then they were on the beach, sitting side by side, and Natsu realized that the figure was Gray. They were holding hands now, fingers intertwined as they gazed out into the sunset. Natsu felt something icy cold flood through his body, centered on his chest, and he placed his hand there in surprise. He could hear a long, thin beeping sound.

"You're dying." It was Gray's body and Gray's face, but not his voice. Natsu frowned, looking at their joined hands.

"Who are you?" Natsu asked. His voice seemed to be working normally now, but everything else felt wrong. This was a different beach, and now it was a parking lot, and now they lay on a hillside, gazing up at an infinite night sky. The stars made indescribably complex patterns, then swirled and reformed into new constellations.

"You're dying," the voice in Gray's body repeated. He was lying next to Natsu now, and propped himself up on one arm.

"That was the point," Natsu replied, frowning. The cold was spreading now, and when the numbness spread to his fingertips, he froze. He wanted to feel Gray's hand in his, but blood was running down his arm and over his chest and he couldn't feel anything anymore.

"You're running out of time," not-Gray said, gazing down at Natsu with an inscrutable expression on his face. Natsu shivered.

"I'm not ready," he whispered.

"Good," not-Gray said. The stars above them exploded into millions of tiny pieces as he leaned down and pressed a kiss to Natsu's lips.


	13. just want to save you

_i don't hate you, boy, i just want to save you  
while there's still something left to save  
_\- savior, rise against

Gray had a theory that that hard, orange plastic chairs in the emergency waiting room were designed as a very specific form of torture to discourage anyone from ever seeking medical help. He had found one in the far corner, away from the coughing and sneezing and feeling of _sickness_ that permeated the room. Gray couldn't stop thinking about Natsu, and how still he had been, lying on the stretcher.

After an hour of swiping numbly through Reddit on his phone in an attempt to distract himself, Gray heard his name being called, and looked up to see Ultear darting towards him. He felt the tight ball of stress and grief loosen in his chest a bit, and when she sat down next to him and pulled him into her arms, Gray let out a sigh of relief.

"Gray," Ultear murmured, placing a hand on the back of his head and stroking his hair. " _Mon lapin_." Gray didn't even have the energy to be annoyed by the childish nickname. Ultear smelt like vanilla and safety and _home_ , and he felt himself starting to cry again. "Shhh, _je suis là._ "

 _"J'ai si peur,"_ Gray whispered into Ultear's shoulder. He was terrified. The longer he went without knowing what was happening, the worse it became.

"I know," Ultear replied, cupping his face in her hands and pressing a kiss to his forehead. "Have your heard anything?" Gray shook his head. He shivered, and Ultear took off her sweater and laid it across his shoulders.

"There was s-so much blood." Gray's voice caught, and he raised a hand to his forehead, screwing his eyes shut. Ultear rested a hand on his shoulder consolingly, and he took several deep breaths, calmed by her presence. After Ultear's mother – Gray's adopted mom – had passed away, Ultear had pretty much raised Gray, and she had been with him through most of the worst moments of his life.

"I can't imagine what that must have been like," Ultear said quietly. Gray rubbed away a few stray tears with the back of his hand. "I want to help," she continued. "Do you know his last name? I'm going to try to contact his social worker and see what we can do about keeping him away from his guardian."

Gray nodded. "I, um, I gave them my information," he said, gesturing over to the triage desk. "I don't know his address or anything. I just… I didn't want them to call his foster dad." Gray rubbed his face. "He hit Natsu. His face… it's like one huge bruise. He beat him really badly."

Ultear sighed, squeezing Gray's hand. "Sometimes you do what you can to take care of people, even if that's not how the system wants it to work," she said. Gray nodded miserably. "Do you know how old he is?"

"Seventeen," Gray said. "He'll be eighteen soon, his birthday's in March."

Ultear reached up and stroked Gray's hair again, and he leaned his face towards her hand. He knew that twenty was too old to be cuddling with his sister, but sometimes she felt more like his mother, and right now he just wanted to be held. Ultear wrapped her arm around Gray and pulled his head down onto her shoulder.

They had been sitting like that for several minutes in comfortable silence when Gray looked up to see Lucy and Erza moving through the emergency room. They both looked exhausted, and Erza appeared to be in her pyjamas.

"Is he okay?" Lucy's voice was high and frantic, and Gray bit the inside of his cheek. He couldn't break down again – he needed to be strong now. He stood up slowly and Lucy threw her arms around his waist, hugging him tightly. "Are _you_ okay?"

Gray didn't answer, just returned the embrace and rested his chin on Lucy's head, giving Erza a sad, serious look. Her expression was grim, and she turned to introduce herself to Ultear, giving Gray and Lucy a moment.

When Lucy finally pulled away, Gray motioned for her to sit down next to him. She slumped down, rubbing her eyes blearily.

"I don't know if he's okay," Gray admitted honestly. "The ambulance took him back there… they said they're stabilizing him." He clenched his hands into fists and rested them on his lap. "I haven't heard anything since we got here." Lucy reached out to put a hand on his knee, but her eyes grew wide and she withdrew.

"Is that…" Lucy trailed off uncertainly. Gray looked down at the bloodstained knees of his jeans and realized belatedly that he should have asked Ultear to bring him clean clothes. He had washed his hands until they were raw, but had no way to get the blood out of his pants.

"Y-yeah," Gray stammered, and it hit him then that Lucy and Erza had no idea what had actually happened. "He…" Erza crouched down next to Gray, giving him a worried look. "Natsu t-tried… t-to… he…" Gray's stomach was in knots, and he felt the nausea returning. He took a deep breath. "He, um, he tried to k-kill himself." Lucy's heartbroken gasp almost set off his tears again. "I… h-he c-cut himself r-really badly and, um… he t-took some pills."

"You _found_ him?" Erza asked softly, reaching up and touching Gray's shoulder. He nodded.

"I c-called the ambulance," he whispered, "but w-what if I was t-too late?" Fear crept up the base of his skull, and he kept his gaze fixed on his clenched hands.

"It's not your fault," Lucy replied, tears spilling from her eyes. She reached over and grabbed one of Gray's hands, squeezing tightly. "He's sick." Gray wanted to nod, wanted to agree with her, but all he could think of was how _stupid_ he had been.

"I knew something was wrong," he whispered, thinking back to Natsu's erratic behaviour in the washroom this morning.

"Do you blame me?" Lucy's voice was soft, and Gray snapped his gaze up to hers.

"Of course not," he said roughly. "You couldn't have kn… oh." He bit his lip and looked down again.

"Exactly," Lucy said gently. "Nobody could have seen it coming. He's sick, and I'm pretty sure he wasn't taking his meds." Gray nodded uncertainly. He felt like he should say something about Friday's incident at the club, but wasn't sure it was appropriate.

"Gray, I'm going to go make a call," Ultear interrupted. "You should take a break. Go to the cafeteria and get something to eat." Gray nodded and glanced back at Lucy and Erza as Ultear headed out of the room, cellphone in hand.

"We'll stay here," Erza said, smiling gently. "Unless you want one of us to come with you?" Gray almost shook his head, then reconsidered. Lucy reached over and squeezed his hand.

"Erza can go with you, I'll be okay here by myself," she said, smiling. "I brought my book and my iPad."

"How did you get here, anyway?" Gray asked. Lucy looked both proud and slightly chagrined.

"I kind of… told my dad to go fuck himself," she mumbled. Gray's eyes widened. "I took Kaden and left."

"You _what_?" Gray felt equal parts impressed and terrified for her. From what she'd said in group so far, he pictured her father as someone you didn't want to piss off.

"Yeah, well, I'm tired of him telling me what to do," Lucy said stubbornly. "I called Loke, he took Kaden, and then Erza picked me up." Erza smiled at Lucy proudly.

"Good for you," Gray said honestly. "That must have been terrifying." Lucy gave a grim laugh.

"This entire evening has been terrifying," she replied, glancing down at her watch. "Never mind, we're into the morning already." Gray found himself yawning as soon as she mentioned how late it was.

Erza tugged Gray up, and the two of them headed off to find what would likely be the worst coffee they'd ever had.

* * *

Gray woke up to Ultear's hand on his shoulder, shaking him gently. He groaned, blinking and realizing that he had fallen asleep in the hospital chair. Lucy and Erza were asleep as well – Lucy leaning against Gray and snoring softly, Erza on the floor and resting against his legs. Ultear smiled at them.

"What time is it?" Gray groaned, nudging Lucy gently until she was no longer leaning on him. He winced as he sat up, trying to stretch his shoulder but feeling the a burning pain sear through his arm. " _Osti de tabarnak de câlice,_ " he swore angrily, earning him a look of unimpressed reprimand from Ultear. "It hurts and I'm tired, I'm sorry." She shook her head.

"You're an adult, I can't stop you from cursing anymore," she smiled. Gray managed to extricate himself from the girls, then followed Ultear out into the hallway. "It is three in the morning, to answer your question. Still no news?" Ultear asked as they walked down the corridor. Gray shook his head.

"I went up and asked once, they said he was still being stabilized." He sighed. "Honestly, I'm just… so tired." Ultear gave Gray a sympathetic look, then frowned at him rubbing his shoulder.

"Are you taking your medication?" she asked. He gave her an exasperated look.

"Of course," he replied. "I'm not an idiot." He _was_ starting to think longingly of the painkillers he'd left at home. "It's manageable most days, just… stress isn't great. Being cold either. This is from sitting in that fucking chair."

Ultear looked sad for a moment, and Gray sighed.

"It wasn't your fault," he said, just has he had a thousand times before. "He would have found my address one way or another." Ultear nodded uncertainly. "Plus, I'm the one who opened the door." Gray shook his head before the memories could surface, and gestured at the hallway they had just turned down. "Where are we going?"

"I found Natsu's social worker," Ultear replied. "She's meeting us here. This is a… unique situation." Gray frowned. "Typically, you wouldn't be allowed to speak to her. All of this should be confidential."

They reached a room with the door propped open and slipped inside. A woman in her mid-forties with long, curly brown hair was sitting at the desk with a laptop open in front of her. She looked surprisingly well put-together for someone who was summoned to the hospital in the middle of the night.

"You must be Gray," she said, standing up and reaching out for his hand. Gray hesitated, still feeling the ghost of sticky blood between his fingers, but finally reciprocated and shook it. "I'm Richelle. Your sister was telling me about what you did for Natsu. You've been incredibly brave, and I can't imagine how scary this has been for you." She sat back down and adjusted a notepad in front of her.

Gray wasn't certain what to say. Between the fatigue, the terror, and the pain, he wasn't sure he was up for any kind of conversation right now.

"Richelle and I have been talking about options for Natsu," Ultear explained, pulling out a chair for Gray.

"I want you to know that we have attempted to investigate allegations of abuse against him in the past," Richelle said gently, tapping her pen against the notepad. "Our system is far from perfect. I want to help every young person that I work with, but unfortunately there are so many, and it's difficult to prove when these things happen."

Gray felt a flicker of anger in his chest – how could someone _beating_ Natsu get overlooked? What more proof did they need besides the bruises on his face? But he knew from talking to Ultear that Richelle was right – the system wasn't perfect and she probably _was_ trying her best.

"I have given him another option in the past," Richelle continued. "Once a youth in the system hits the age of sixteen, they can legally 'emancipate' themselves, but it requires that they support themselves without any government assistance."

Gray frowned. "Wouldn't that be impossible since he would have to be in school?" he asked.

"Exactly," Richelle said, nodding. "It is extremely difficult to be successful this way." She adjusted her glasses on top of her head. "However, he can remain a ward of children's services, which includes receiving a monthly allowance and other supports, if he finds an adult that we deem 'safe' that he can live with until he is eighteen."

Gray blinked. "So… he can just choose to live with someone else? Why hasn't he done that before?" Richelle looked at him sadly.

"He's never had anyone else," she replied. "He has no family, and no adults in his life that could take him in. He's been a ward of children's services for a long time." Gray's chest hurt. He missed his parents and his adopted mother every day, but at least he'd _had_ them. And he'd always had a place to call home.

"The other complication," Richelle continued, "is that the hospital has discharge conditions."

"What does that mean?"

"Well, if they don't decide to commit him involuntarily – which I doubt they would do – then he can't be released unless he is going home to a responsible adult who will take care of things like medications, keeping him safe, and agreeing to keep an eye out for this kind of behaviour in the next few weeks."

"Commit him?" Gray frowned.

"Keep him in psychiatric care," Ultear explained. "Involuntarily committing happens when the hospital deems somebody unsafe to themselves or others." Gray swallowed. He hadn't even considered that possibility.

"Like I said," Richelle continued, "I don't see that as a likely outcome. The hospital doesn't have enough beds as it is, and if we can find a stable place for him to stay, then they will discharge him."

"So… have you found a place for him?" Gray's question was met with silence and he felt uneasy. Both women were giving him strange looks. "Wait a minute." Gray turned to Ultear in surprise. "You're talking about _me_ _?"_

* * *

 **French Translations**  
Petit lapin = little bunny (childish nickname)  
Je suis là. = I am here.  
J'ai si peur. = I'm so scared.  
Je crois avoir trouvé une solution. = I think I found a solution.  
Osti de tabarnak de câlice = colloquial swearing, closest equivalent would be "motherfucking shit fuck" but it literally means "holy host of the tabernacle of the chalice".  
Québec French is really weird and all of our swears are based on Roman Catholicism, so there's no real direct translation but it's fairly vulgar.


	14. if you jump, i'll break your fall

_TW for flashback to the suicide attempt_

* * *

 _if you need to fall apart, i can mend a broken heart  
if you need to crash, then crash and burn, you're not alone  
_\- savage garden, "crash and burn"

Natsu was dreaming again. Not-Gray was gone, but so was the blood and the icy feeling in his chest. Instead, he floated through a river on a giant lily pad, drifting back and forth under dappled sunlight.

 _Ne m'oublie pas, je vais devoir m'en aller  
Ne m'oublie pas, tu ne dois pas pleurer_

Why was someone in his dream singing in… Spanish? French? Natsu didn't recognize the words, but the voice was familiar. He sat up on the lily pad and looked around, frowning. _Gray?_ he thought, as the gentle voice continued to sing.

 _Même si je suis très loin de toi, tu restes dans mon coeur  
_ _Je chante en secret chaque soir, pour que tu n'aies plus peur_

And then Natsu was falling off the lily pad into the water, and the dream was shattered. He winced as consciousness slammed into him headfirst. His body felt strange, like something soft was tingling through his veins, and he groaned a little as he shifted his head.

Everything was cold.

Natsu blinked a few times, squinting as he opened his eyes. Being awake was terrible. Everything was blurry, and his head felt at least twice the size it should be. He winced and tried to lift a hand to his face, but found it blocked by something. Another hand? And it was attached to… a person.

"G… ray?" Natsu's voice was rough and the words felt stuck to his tongue, but the image above him gradually resolved into his friend. Gray's hand rested gently on the back of Natsu's wrist, and when Natsu looked down, he realized it was to prevent him from pulling out the IV taped there. Why did have an IV? "W… where…"

"The hospital." Gray's voice was softer than Natsu had ever heard it, barely a whisper. Natsu frowned as the hand that had been resting on his wrist slipped into his, fingers curling around his palm. He heard a chair scrape the floor, and Gray slumped down into it, leaning forward onto the bed. "What do you remember?"

"I…" Natsu felt like he was drowning. Everything was so far away. What had happened? He tried to take a breath but found that it was stuck in his chest. A machine started to beep somewhere close by.

"It's okay." Gray squeezed his hand and Natsu clung to it like a lifeline. "Take deep breaths." Gray's other hand came up to gently stroke Natsu's hair as Natsu struggled to bring his breathing back to normal. "You're okay, you're safe."

Natsu squeezed Gray's hand again, feeling a sharp shock of panic as somebody else entered the room.

"He just woke up," Gray explained to the taller figure, who was checking the machine and then leaning over Natsu. It was a blonde woman with soft features and a white jacket. A doctor. Was he sick?

"He'll likely be disoriented for a bit," the woman replied, wrapping something around Natsu's arm. "Can you tell me your name, love?" She had a British accent. Natsu contemplated her question for a moment. She kept moving in and out of focus.

"N-natsu," he said finally, still clinging to Gray's hand. Gray let him, rubbing Natsu's knuckles with his thumb.

"Good, do you know where you are?" Something squeezed his upper arm tightly and the doctor glanced down at her watch.

"The… hospital?" Natsu really only knew that because Gray had told him, but she nodded, and the squeezing stopped. Natsu suddenly realized that his left arm _hurt_ – a deep, throbbing ache. His stomach hurt too, and he felt like he might be sick.

"Well, Natsu, your friend here saved your life." The doctor made a note of something on a clipboard and turned to Gray, placing a hand on his shoulder. "You're lucky he found you when he did – we had to do a massive blood transfusion."

"Found... blood… what?" Natsu rubbed his eyes, refusing to release his grip on Gray's hand. It felt like the only thing grounding him to reality – without it he was going to just drift away. His head was throbbing now, and the urge to vomit overwhelmed him.

Before he knew what was happening, the doctor had helped him turn on his side and throw up into some sort of pan. It burned his throat, and he tried to focus on Gray's hand, rubbing gentle circles on his lower back. Hot tears pricked behind Natsu's eyes, and he sucked in a shuddering breath. After the waves of nausea passed, he accepted a small cup of water from the doctor.

"Nausea and vomiting are not uncommon side effects of the medication we gave him for the overdose," the doctor said, but Natsu had the feeling she was talking to Gray and not him. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and sagged back onto the bed. "He'll probably also have stomach cramps, and might be confused for some time."

Natsu looked up blearily at Gray, and noticed for the first time that Gray's eyes were red and swollen.

"Are...y'kay?" Natsu mumbled. Gray smiled sadly.

"I will be," Gray said, reaching out and brushing a few sweaty strands of hair back from Natsu's face. Natsu closed his eyes and sighed. A small part of his brain realized that this level of affectionate behavior was out of character for Gray, but another, bigger part of him just revelled in the attention.

"The psychiatrist will be by later this morning," the doctor said, and Natsu frowned. What was his psychiatrist doing here? He was feeling fuzzy again. Why was it so cold?

The doctor left, and Natsu felt Gray looking at him curiously. Natsu frowned, squeezing his eyes shut and trying to remember what it was that was niggling at the back of his mind.

"Don," he gasped suddenly, stiffening in panic. "Fuck, he's gonna..." Gray shook his head, gripping Natsu's hand firmly.

"The hospital didn't notify him," Gray said, and Natsu exhaled sharply in relief, lying back and closing his eyes. He was so tired. "Go back to sleep, we can talk when you're feeling better."

Gray readjusted his hand in Natsu's but didn't let go. Natsu turned to face Gray, frowning uncertainly.

"Could you..." He trailed off, feeling his cheeks flush with embarrassment.

"I'm not going anywhere," Gray replied, leaning forward onto the bed again and resting his head next to Natsu' shoulder. "I'll be here when you wake up. I promise."

* * *

When Natsu woke up the second time, it was to fine, dark hairs tickling his nose. He looked down and realized that he had shifted in his sleep, and his face was now pressed against the side of Gray's head.

He sat up slowly, careful not to disturb Gray, and took a few deep breaths to make sure he wasn't going to throw up again. His stomach still felt terrible and his head was pounding, and he still felt uncertain about why he was here. He tried to put the pieces together, frowning at the muddy confusion in his brain. His arm still hurt, and he looked down to see it bandaged from wrist to elbow.

Then it hit him.

 _Texting Lucy and Gray to say goodbye... sitting on the floor in the storage closet and hoping it wouldn't hurt too badly... feeling the soft buzz as the drugs flooded his system... the blade pushing into his skin and the warmth of his blood as it flooded out of him._

"Shit." Natsu's voice was barely a whisper as he screwed his eyes shut and fought against the pressure of tears. He swallowed a sob, gently disentangling his hand from Gray's so he could bring it up to cover his face. _What the hell had he done?_

"Natsu?" Gray's voice was soft with sleep, and Natsu shook his head, bringing his knees up and burying his face in his arms. He felt the tears beginning to spill down his face, and couldn't stop the anguished sound that escaped from his lips.

The bed dipped as Gray moved from the chair and sat down on the mattress facing Natsu, wrapping his arms around Natsu's shoulders and pulling him close without hesitation. Natsu struggled for a second, but when his head hit Gray's shoulder, the dam broke open and he began to cry in earnest.

"Deep breaths," Gray whispered, running a comforting hand over Natsu' bask. "You're okay. You're safe." He was quiet for a moment, then added, "I'm here."

Natsu's breathing came in gasps; heartbroken sobs muffled by Gray's t-shirt. His shoulders shook and he clung to the thin fabric until his hands hurt.

"I'm sorry," he choked out, chest trembling as Gray continued to rub his back.

"I was so scared," Gray whispered, voice breaking as he buried his face in Natsu's hair. "I th-thought you were dead." Natsu felt Gray's hand move up to wrap around the back of his neck and stroke his hair. He took a shuddering breath, pressing himself even tighter against Gray's chest. "It's okay now," Gray murmured, and Natsu wasn't certain which of them he was trying to reassure.

Natsu wasn't certain how long they sat like that, him wrapped tightly in Gray's arms, but when they finally broke apart, he felt exhausted. He scrubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms, careful not to pull too hard on the IV. Gray stood up and stretched, and Natsu saw him wince at that same familiar place in his shoulder. He was about to ask about it when something hit him.

"How did you know about Don?" Natsu demanded. He felt his defenses creeping back up as he realized what a vulnerable position he was actually in. How much did Gray know?

"I guessed," Gray said slowly. He moved back over to the bed and sat down in the chair. "We can talk about it later. We have more important stuff to talk about right now." Natsu frowned, turning to face Gray. He reached his hand out a little, and was surprised when Gray took it.

"What do you mean?"

"We need to talk about where you're gonna go now." Something heavy in Natsu's chest slammed shut. He couldn't let Gray into this fucked up mess. He tried to tug his hand away, but Gray held on tighter. "NO." Natsu looked at Gray in surprise and realized that Gray was glaring at him. "You're not gonna pull this shit where you pretend that you can handle everything on your own. Look where that got you!"

"Fuck you," Natsu growled, regretting the words immediately but unable to stop them from escaping. He tried to look angry, but his terrified stare paled in comparison to Gray's icy gaze.

"You can call me whatever names you want," Gray said, in a quietly dangerous voice. "You can tell me to fuck off, you can yell at me, you can be angry at me. I don't care. But I am _never_ going through this again. NEVER." Natsu blinked, reacting to Gray's stare with a tumult of emotions.

"But..." He swallowed, taking a shaky breath. "I don't... I don't want to drag you into this..."

"You already did!" Gray shouted, taking Natsu by surprise. Gray's eyes were brimming with tears again, but his jaw was set in anger. "I got _dragged into it_ when I found you high and half dead in a puddle of your own fucking blood, you idiot!"

Natsu froze. _Found him?_ He'd assumed that Gray had just... what _had_ he assumed? Fucking hell.

"You... found me?" Natsu had never expected... never thought...

"What do you think this is?" Gray said quietly, gesturing to the dark red splotches on the knees of his pants. Natsu's eyes widened and his heart sank. "I'm not surprised you don't remember." Gray threaded their fingers together, and Natsu was surprised to realize that they were still holding hands. "You were pretty out of it. I had- I broke the door. Y-you..."

"I'm so sorry." Natsu felt like he was going to be sick again. He ran his thumb over Gray's knuckles, hoping it was enough to communicate how he felt. It must have been, because the anger dissolved from Gray's face and he just looked tired again.

"Please let me help you," Gray said sadly. "You don't have to do this alone." Natsu sighed.

"But I've been doing it alone for so long." The words tumbled out of his mouth before he could think about them, and the emotion behind them surprised him. "I've been in eight different foster homes since I was three. This one was okay until his wife died a couple years ago. He started drinking and it just went to shit." Natsu took a deep breath.

"You've been living on the street, haven't you?" Gray asked. Natsu didn't look up, just nodded sadly. "Why didn't you say anything?" Natsu shrugged, and Gray sighed. "Listen, my sister is a social worker. She talked to yours – don't even bother getting mad, you can do that later – and they won't send you back to him."

Gray's gaze drifted over the bruise on Natsu's face, and Natsu raised a hand to it self-consciously.

"Th-then where do I go?" His voice sounded small and childish. Gray looked uncomfortable.

"She said you can stay with a responsible adult that the agency and the hospital agree is safe." He sounded like he was reading from a pamphlet, and Natsu frowned at him.

"But I don't... _have_ anyone else..." The last word almost formed a question. Gray groaned, burying his face in the side of the bed.

"I am twenty," he mumbled, voice muffled by the blankets. "I have a job and my own apartment, which technically makes me a responsible adult." Natsu blinked as he realized what Gray was implying.

"You mean... live with you?" Natsu turned the idea over in his head. Gray's head was right next to his arm, and Natsu felt a strong urge to reach out and stroke Gray's hair. He hesitated for a moment, then figured _fuck it, I can blame it on the drugs later if it gets weird_. Gray stiffened for only a second as Natsu's fingers wound into his hair, then he sighed out loud and leaned into the touch.

"Yeah," Gray said, resting his chin on his arm. "You're old enough- there's a word for it, but you basically wouldn't have a guardian anymore. I wouldn't be legally responsible for you or anything, but you'd have to live with me until you turned eighteen." He tipped his head up slightly and met Natsu's gaze. "I know it's not... ideal. I just..." He trailed off, sighing in frustration.

"Thank you," Natsu whispered. Gray's hair was so soft, like silk under his fingers. He thought he saw a small smile on Gray's face before it became serious again.

"The psychiatrist is coming in a little bit," Gray said. "Before they discharge you, they're making up a treatment plan. If you come stay with me, you're going to _have_ to let me help you." Natsu frowned. "They're going to make me lock up the meds and give them to you, and make sure you take them."

"But they taste like _ass,_ " Natsu whined, realizing that it was probably the stupidest argument he could make, and Gray actually laughed at that. Then he was quiet for a moment.

"What I mean is that there's gonna be rules," he said finally. "And even if you don't want to take that seriously, I do." Natsu had stopped playing with Gray's hair briefly, and was amused to feel Gray unconsciously nudging him to continue. "I just..." Gray buried his face in his arms again, and Natsu could see that his ears were turning red.

"I'll follow the rules," Natsu whispered, tentatively trailing one of his fingers behind Gray's ear while he stroked his hair. He felt rather than heard the shaky exhalation. "I don't... I don't wanna be like this." Gray glanced up at him, cheeks pink. "I wanna get better."

"Good," Gray said roughly. "Because I, um... I care about you." He cleared his throat. "A lot."

Natsu felt tears welling up in his eyes again as he squeezed Gray's hand and smiled down at him.

"I care about you a lot too."

* * *

 _A/N: The song Gray is singing is a French version of "Remember Me" from the movie Coco, these are the original English lyrics (please remember this is not a direct translation)._

 _Remember me, though I have to say goodbye_  
 _Remember me, don't let it make you cry_  
 _For ever if I'm far away I hold you in my heart_  
 _I sing a secret song to you each night we are apart_


	15. safe with me

_i'll show you mine if you show me yours first_  
 _let's compare scars, i'll tell you whose is worse_  
\- rise against, "swing life away"

The doctors let Natsu leave with Gray the next evening.

By the time Gray pulled off of the freeway towards his apartment, Natsu was asleep. His head rested against the window, knees tucked up on his seat and arms crossed over his stomach. Rattling in the back seat was a bag of pill bottles, plus about fifty pages of discharge instructions, crisis phone numbers, and psychiatric resources.

Gray sighed, flicking on his wipers to clear away the snow. It was late and he was exhausted, but his place wasn't far away so he had refused Ultear's offer of help. He could do this. He had to do this. The doctors had taken some convincing – Gray wasn't that much older than Natsu, after all – but Richelle had made a compelling case and the doctor had finally agreed.

Gray yawned, turning on the radio to keep himself awake. Christmas carols were playing, and he felt his stomach twist uncomfortably. He wanted to enjoy it – the snow, wrapping gifts, those sickeningly sweet peppermint mochas that Ultear insisted on drinking – but the whole season was marred by the trauma of last year.

 _…grabbing his scarf from the front closet… a message on his phone from Ultear telling him to hurry up or he'd miss dinner… a soft knock on his front door…_

Gray's hands tightened on the steering wheel, and he flipped the radio to a different station. Still Christmas music. He frowned, flicking on his signal light and merging into traffic.

 _…peering out the door to see a shock of white hair and a dark leather jacket… feeling a mix of fear and tentative optimism… hand hesitating over the doorknob, remembering Ultear's warning that Lyon was unstable and dangerous… ignoring it, and opening the door anyway because it was his **brother** and it was **Christmas** …_

Gray snorted at his past self's idiocy, turning off the radio and making the rest of the drive in silence. The soft, thick flakes of snow outside muffled everything, and Gray felt like he was suffocating.

"Natsu." Gray reached over and gently shook Natsu's knee as he pulled into his parking stall and slid the car into park. Natsu grumbled a bit, but didn't open his eyes. The doctor had insisted on making Natsu take a sedative before they left the hospital, and apparently it was stronger than they had anticipated.

"Natsu, we're here," Gray tried again. Natsu mumbled something unintelligible, and Gray rolled his eyes. "Wake up, or I'll open that door and you're gonna fall on your face into the snow." No response.

Gray sighed. He managed to get the passenger door open without dropping Natsu into the snow, then tugged Natsu forward until his forehead rested on Gray's chest. Natsu yawned, burying his face in Gray's hoodie.

"Work with me here," Gray grumbled, pulling Natsu's arm until it was around his neck, then sliding his arms underneath Natsu's legs and staggering to his feet. Natsu really wasn't that heavy, and after Gray kicked the car door shut, he made his way into the building.

Natsu shifted in Gray's arms and nuzzled his face into the crook of Gray's neck, and Gray shivered, exhaling shakily. He knew it wasn't intentional, but the feeling of Natsu's lips on the soft skin there sent electric sparks tingling through his body. He jabbed his finger at the elevator button again, gritting his teeth. This was not the time to be thinking about Natsu's lips.

When he finally got to the bedroom, Gray went to lay Natsu on the bed, but Natsu clung tightly to the back of Gray's hoodie and Gray ended up tumbling down on top of him. Gray grunted in surprise, ending up on his side with Natsu's hand still fisted into his sweater. Natsu immediately curled up closer, sliding his knee in between Gray's legs and burying his face in the crook of Gray's neck.

 _Goddamnit_ , Gray thought, wondering if it was even possible to extricate himself from the situation now. The hand that wasn't clinging to his hoodie was now resting on his hip, and even through the thick fabric of his jeans, Gray could feel the heat of Natsu's hand. He swallowed heavily, torn desperately between staying there and moving to the sofa.

He attempted to squirm away, but Natsu made a soft sound of protest and wrapped his hand firmly around Gray's hip, pulling him closer. Shit. Gray felt his breath quicken, and exhaled in frustration. God, he wanted this – wanted to pull Natsu closer, wanted to pin him onto the bed beneath him and kiss that ridiculous mouth until they both couldn't breathe. He was so close, and it made it incredibly difficult for Gray's brain to function properly.

"G'sl'p." Natsu's lips moved against his neck and Gray almost moaned out loud. He tried to breathe deeply, and he cursed that Natsu could undo him this easily.

"I sh-should... c-couch," he managed, and Natsu shook his head sleepily without opening his eyes.

"'s f'ne," he mumbled, shivering. Gray sighed, reaching down and grabbing the duvet, then pulling it over them both. Natsu made a sound of thanks, then wrapped his arm around Gray and pulled him even closer.

Gray considered protesting, thought about disentangling their limbs and changing into his pajamas and going to sleep on the couch like he should. But when Natsu whispered, "St'y w'th me... pl'se," Gray gave up and let himself fall asleep.

* * *

The next morning, Gray extricated himself from their messy tangle of limbs and spent a very long time in the shower. When he returned to the bedroom, Natsu was still asleep – sprawled across the mattress, one hand splayed on his stomach, the other tucked under his head. Gray very pointedly did _not_ look at Natsu's stomach where his shirt was riding up, or the curve of his hipbones, or fantasize about kissing him.

Instead, Gray wandered into the kitchen and turned on the coffee pot, hoping that the caffeine would bring some semblance of sanity to his brain. His phone, which he had left on the counter overnight, dinged with several new messages.

Lucy: _How is he? How are you? Are you coming to group today?_  
Erza: _You doing ok? We told Cana. Gajeel's a nosy fucker but I threatened to re-break his nose yesterday so I think he'll behave. Laxus doesn't give a shit._  
Ultear: _ça va?_

There was also an e-mail from Mira with arrangements for group. Gray had talked with her about their options yesterday, and she was only able to waive Tuesday and Wednesday if they wanted to get credit. Christmas break started on Saturday, which meant only two more days of group before a week of holidays, and Mira was allowing them to call in via Skype from the apartment. Gray hadn't gotten around to telling Natsu yet, but he felt it was a better alternative than going in person.

Grabbing his coffee, Gray hopped up onto one of the kitchen barstools and slid his laptop over, opening up his work e-mail and beginning to sort through what he'd missed in the past couple of days. After half an hour, he heard the bedroom door open.

"Hey." Natsu said. He stood in the doorway of the bedroom, looking downcast. "Can I... do you mind if I shower?" He fiddled with the hem of his shirt.

"Of course not," Gray replied, gesturing down the hallway. "Second door on the left. I already put a towel and toothbrush and stuff in there for you, feel free to use whatever's in there." Natsu looked... dejected?

"Can... I borrow..." His voice trailed off, and Gray realized he wasn't upset, he was embarrassed. "I don't have any clothes." His face went pink. Oh.

"Richelle, um... she said she's gonna try and get some of your stuff from Don today. But you can wear whatever you want of mine." Natsu peeked up at Gray and looked uncertain. "Nothing too exciting, it's mostly black, sorry."

"Thank you," Natsu said softly. He turned back into the bedroom, then emerged a moment later with a pile of clothes in his arms and headed to the washroom.

Gray returned to his e-mails and had finished his first cup of coffee when Natsu came back down the hallway, shirtless and towelling off his hair. _Goddamnit_. Gray immediately dropped his mug, fingers forgetting how to work properly, but Natsu surged forward and caught it before it hit the floor.

"Lucky it was empty," he said, giving Gray a small smile. He set the sweater he had been carrying on the counter and wiped the residual coffee from his arms with the wet towel. Gray attempted heroically to not stare at Natsu's chest.

"Mhmm," Gray agreed, not trusting himself to speak. "You?" Wait, that didn't make sense. "Coffee. You want?" _Holy fuck, get it together._ Natsu looked at him strangely.

"Sure. I, uh... can you help me with this?" Natsu looked ashamed again, and Gray looked down to see him gesturing to his arm. "The, uh, the bandages got wet."

"They sent some extras," Gray replied, looking around for the bag he had brought up earlier. There were several rolls of gauze inside, and Gray pulled one out. He motioned for Natsu to sit up on one of the stools and hold out his arm.

"Sorry," Natsu whispered, seeing Gray's expression as he looked down at the wound. The doctors had done an excellent job of cleaning it and stitching it up, but all Gray could think about was how much it had bled. He shook his head, wrapping the gauze around Natsu's arm.

"It's okay," he replied, feeling Natsu jump when his fingers brushed bare skin. "Sorry, my hands are always cold." Natsu's cheeks were pink, and he nodded mutely. When Gray finished, Natsu grabbed the sweater from the counter and tugged it over his head.

"I think you might be a _bit_ taller than me," Natsu said, gesturing to the sleeves, which hung past his hands. It managed to simultaneously be adorable, and hotter than it had any right to be. Gray reached over and began to roll up the cuffs, and when his fingers brushed the inside of Natsu's wrist, Natsu shivered again. Gray moved to pull his hand away, but Natsu shook his head, grabbing Gray's wrist and putting it back where it had been.

"'S hard to do it myself," Natsu said, voice soft. Gray swallowed, turning the cuff again and watching Natsu's face. He was looking at Gray with a strange intensity, and it made Gray feel like he couldn't breathe, like all the air in the room had suddenly disappeared and he was left with nothing but the deep brown of Natsu's eyes.

Gray felt heat rushing to his cheeks, and he heard himself exhale softly as he moved his thumb down and ran it slowly and purposefully across Natsu's wrist. Natsu's eyes fluttered shut, and he made a quiet, breathy sound. Gray steadied his hand and repeated the action, this time running his fingers down and over the sensitive skin of Natsu's palm. He heard a shaky inhale, and Natsu took a small step closer to him.

 _I could kiss him,_ Gray thought. They were close enough now that he could see the freckles that dotted Natsu's nose, the soft dust of his eyelashes, the pinkish color of his lips. _I cou-_

 _Bzzzzzzzrt._ Natsu jumped, tugging his arm away from Gray, who blinked as the spell was broken. He looked around wildly for the source of the buzzing, and realized it was the alarm he had set on his phone, to remind Natsu to take his...

"...pills." Gray let out an unsteady breath as the blood in his body flowed back into the proper regions, leaving him feeling somewhat stunned. Natsu appeared to be feeling the same way, if the dazed look in his eyes was any indication.

"I'll, um... I'm gonna go hang this up," Natsu said, gesturing to the wet towel. "I'll be right back." Gray nodded dumbly, then headed to the lockbox in the office to get Natsu's meds.

* * *

Natsu took his pills, complaining that they tasted like chalk, and then the two of them moved into the living room. The tension from earlier seemed to have disappeared, and they sat side by side on the sofa, sipping their coffee. Natsu sighed and leaned his head against Gray's shoulder.

"Thank you," Natsu whispered. "I- I'm still a bit mixed up. I dunno what to think. But I'm... glad you saved me." He peeked up at Gray. "It must have been horrible for you. I'm sorry."

"It... was," Gray said, looking down at his hands. Natsu shifted until they were facing each other, looking at Gray curiously.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

Gray paused for a moment, looking over at Natsu. The bruise under his eye was still purple and red, fading into green as it trailed down the side of his face. Gray reached out gently and ran his finger along the side of it, noting Natsu's subtle flinch. Natsu closed his eyes and exhaled softly.

"Still hurts," Natsu whispered. Gray removed his hand and placed it on Natsu's knee instead. "It's shit. Was shit, I guess. Home hasn't ever really been home, though." Gray's felt a heavy ache in his chest. "My... my real parents were drug addicts," Natsu continued softly, closing his eyes. "I got taken away when I was born – my mom was using when she was pregnant. She cleaned up for a bit, got me back, then went back to drugs so they took me again when I was two or three."

Natsu stopped, rubbing his eyes. Gray hesitated for a moment, then tugged on Natsu's sleeve until he was curled up with his head on a cushion in Gray's lap. Gray slipped his fingers into Natsu's still-damp hair and gently began to untangle it.

"My mom visited me, like... maybe two or three times in foster care," Natsu continued after a minute. "She went missing after that. Which means she probably OD'd and died or something. Guess it runs in the family."

"Natsu," Gray said softly, and Natsu sighed.

"Sorry," He murmured. "I just… I get scared I'm gonna end up like her."

"You're not gonna end up like her," Gray insisted. "You have lots of people that want to help you get better." _You have me,_ he thought, _and I will do everything I can to keep you from wanting to take that path._

"I know," Natsu said quietly, picking at the edge of the cushion. "Thank you."

There was a silence for a moment, only broken by Natsu's soft hums at Gray's fingers in his hair. Gray hesitated. He knew that he hated talking about his parents, and would snap at anyone who asked, but maybe Natsu needed to talk about it.

"What about your dad?" Gray asked finally. Natsu snorted.

"At first he visited a lot. He was trying to get clean and get custody, and then he just fucked off when I was seven and I never saw him again." Natsu's voice turned bitter. "They gave me a permanent guardianship order so I could be adopted, but nobody wanted a kid that age. With issues."

Gray frowned, and Natsu must have felt his confusion.

"I was always in trouble," he said. "Usually setting stuff on fire or breaking things or running away." Natsu chewed on his nail. "They thought it was a problem from being born addicted to meth, but turns out it was just what a kid with bipolar looks like."

Gray was almost finished detangling Natsu's hair now, and was running his fingers through it in long, soft strokes.

"So, yeah. Bunch of foster homes. I was 'too much work' for most of them." Natsu sighed, pushing his head up against Gray's hand and making a contented sound. "It's funny cause this one was the best one. Don's wife Sandy used to be really nice to me. She even helped me with my homework. But she died and he started drinking, and..." He gestured to his face. "Here we are." He relaxed back against Gray, hugging the cushion tighter against him.

"I'm sorry," Gray said quietly, running his fingers along Natsu's scalp. "That's really shitty." Natsu hummed in agreement. "I dunno if this'll make you feel better, but Ultear – my sister – is already making you a Christmas stocking. She's really excited that you'll be coming. And I know that's not the same as having a _home,_ but… I dunno." He trailed off, uncertain where he had been going with that line of thought.

"...really?" Natsu's voice sounded genuinely surprised, and Gray looked down at him. "You mean I'm coming with you for Christmas?" Gray frowned.

"Of course you are," he replied, meeting Natsu's puzzled gaze. "Where else would you be going? It's in like, four days." Natsu blinked, then glanced up at the calendar pinned to the wall. "We're gonna go over on Christmas Eve and stay there. If that's okay with you," Gray added hurriedly.

"Yeah," Natsu said quietly, a small smile creeping across his face. "That's okay with me."

Gray felt a warmth in his chest as he looked down at Natsu, feeling that tugging in his stomach as he thought about kissing him again. It definitely seemed like Natsu wanted to be kissed. Or was Gray just misreading the situation?

Suddenly, Happy leapt up onto the couch, settling himself on Natsu's chest and butting Natsu's face with his head. Natsu laughed, scratching Happy behind the ears.

"That's, uh, Happy. My cat." Gray wasn't sure if he was disappointed or relieved by the interruption. "He's usually kind of an asshole, but he seems to like you."

"That's because _everyone_ likes me," Natsu teased, bopping Happy on the nose.

 _That's truer than you know,_ Gray thought. _Fuck, I am definitely falling for you_.


	16. chapter 16

_i'm gonna give all my secrets away  
_ _this time i don't need another perfect lie  
_ \- one republic, "secrets"

Gray made French toast for breakfast while Natsu sat on the counter, pestering him with questions while he moved around the kitchen. He handed Natsu a cup of coffee, then began stirring eggs and milk together while the pan heated.

"Now that you know all about my shitty childhood, am I allowed to ask you about yours?" Natsu teased. Gray looked uncomfortable. "I'm kidding," Natsu assured him, warming his hands on the mug.

"No, it's..." Gray sighed in frustration. "I don't... talk about things. Usually. But... I've seen shit you probably would rather have kept hidden." He began dipping the bread into the egg mixture and Natsu nodded. "So it's only fair."

"That's not how it works," Natsu argued, dumping another spoonful of sugar in into his coffee. He was still trying to get the taste of his new medication out of his mouth. "You don't owe me answers." Gray placed the bread in the pan and sprinkled it with cinnamon. "Okay, how 'bout this. I ask, and if you don't wanna answer, then don't. I'm not gonna make you."

"...thank you." Gray's voice was soft, and Natsu reached out with his foot and poked Gray's leg with it. Gray reached down and squeezed Natsu's ankle gently, then returned to cooking.

"Okay, first of all, how can you afford a place like this?" Natsu asked, looking around in amazement. The first time he'd been here, he'd assumed it was Gray's parents' place, but he now had a feeling that Gray's parents – like his – were not in the picture.

"That's... complicated," Gray replied hesitantly, flipping a slice of toast. "And I would rather finish breakfast before diving that far into my tragic backstory." He turned and gave Natsu a small smile. "For now, let's just say my mom bought it for me. I do have a job, though – not enough to afford this place, but I _do_ work."

"Where?" Natsu hopped down from the counter and grabbed a couple of plates from an open cupboard, setting them on the bar. Then he crouched down and scooped up Happy, who had ambled into the kitchen. Happy headbutted Natsu's chin and purred at him as he scratched the soft fur behind his ears.

"It's, ah... kinda geeky," Gray admitted, turning around and rummaging through the fridge. "I do in-game tech support for this French MMO called _Galaxie d'étoiles_." He set a container of syrup and a jug of juice on the counter by the plates.

"No way!" Natsu exclaimed, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "I love that game!" Gray looked up at him, surprised.

"But it's entirely in-"

"French, I know, I never have any idea what's going on and I have to use Google Translate for all the quests," Natsu replied, grinning. "I'm sure the people I group with think I'm an idiot. But it's free to play and they had it on the library computers, so..." Then he frowned. "Wait, how the hell did you get an IT position there? Don't you usually need like a degree or something?"

"Yeah," Gray said hesitantly, looking almost embarrassed. "My, um, my aunt is kinda the CEO of Tempête." Natsu's eyes widened. Tempête was a _huge_ videogame company in Québec that made hundreds of popular games, including _Galaxie d'étoiles_.

"Your aunt is Ophélie?" Natsu asked. Gray nodded, shrugging his shoulders. "She was on 'Ellen' last year!" Happy, having had enough of the excitement, hopped down from Natsu's arms.

"We're not like, super close or anything, she lives in Québec and I've only met her a couple times." Gray spoke hurriedly, like he was trying to brush it off. "But she let me take a part-time position cause I'm pretty good with computers. The company is gonna pay for me to take the programming course after I get my high school diploma."

"That is _awesome_ ," Natsu said, hopping up onto one of the bar stools. Gray dropped two slices of toast on each plate, then returned the pan to the stove and joined him.

"Okay," Natsu said, sipping at his coffee. "That leads to my next question. Why are you twenty and finishing high school?" Now Gray _definitely_ looked uncomfortable.

"I... missed some school," he said vaguely. Natsu raised an eyebrow. "A _lot_ of school, okay? I just... let's eat." Natsu nodded, and they both dug into the toast, eating in comfortable silence for a few minutes.

"So, you're French?" Natsu asked eventually. When he'd heard Gray singing at the hospital, he'd realized that he would have been _much_ more likely to pay attention to French class in junior high if he'd known how hot it sounded when Gray spoke it.

"Francophone," Gray corrected. "But yes. French is my first language, actually."

A thin line of syrup ran down Gray's fork and onto his hand, and he absently brought his fingers to his lips, licking up the sticky mess. When he stuck his thumb into his mouth and drew his tongue over it, Natsu suddenly felt like he couldn't breathe.

"Y-your, ah... p-parents are from Québec?" Natsu swallowed hard, unable to take his eyes off Gray's lips.

"Mhmm," Gray replied, looking at Natsu curiously. He sat down his fork and wiped at the syrup dotting his sleeve, then gave up and pushed it up to his elbow, exposing the tattoos that Natsu had seen the other day. "You okay?"

"Food is really good," Natsu said quickly, shoving another piece of toast into his mouth and looking away to avoid Gray's skeptical stare. His gaze landed on a photo pinned to the fridge – a dark-haired man and woman, each smiling widely. The man was holding a tiny boy, no more than two years old, who Natsu immediately identified as Gray. "Is that your mom and dad?"

Gray glanced over to where Natsu was looking, and a sad expression crossed his face.

"That was at our house in Montréal," he said. "They... ah, they died when I was five." Natsu looked up at Gray. The unspoken question of _what happened_ lingered in the air between them. "Car accident." Gray said it matter-of-factly, but his voice was sad. "I miss them a lot." He unconsciously ran his hand over his forearm, and Natsu took a closer look at the tattoos – two large snowflakes, and one smaller one.

"Is that for—"

"Yeah." Gray smiled, running his finger over the delicate lines. "Maman used to call me her little snowflake." Natsu suddenly felt like the world's biggest idiot.

"Shit, I'm sorry," he apologized, embarrassment twisting in his chest. "I didn't realize- I won't call you that—"

"It's fine," Gray interrupted, reaching out and touching the back of Natsu's hand. He didn't make eye contact, but he smiled wistfully. "It doesn't hurt. When _you_ say it, I mean." Natsu's stomach fluttered, and he slowly turned his hand until their fingers were resting against each other's palms. "I think they'd understand."

"Does your sister have the same tattoos?" Natsu asked. He'd met Ultear briefly in the hospital, but most of it was vague memories. Natsu brushed his thumb across the back of Gray's knuckles as Gray shook his head.

"Ultear's not my biological sister," he replied. "I was an only child. When my parents died, my mom's best friend – Ultear's mom – adopted me." Gray looked up, and Natsu could tell that Gray saw right through his unspoken question. "She's not around anymore either."

"Jesus," Natsu whispered, shaking his head.

"I told you it was a tragic backstory," Gray replied, half-jokingly. "I don't mind talking about my maman and papa, but, ah… I don't want to talk about my mom right now. Is that okay?" He squeezed Natsu's fingers, then withdrew his hand and returned to his breakfast.

"Of course," Natsu replied, using the last bit of his toast to soak up the pool of syrup in the center of his plate. He tried to think of a more neutral subject. "When did you move here?"

"Five years ago, after mom died," Gray replied. "Ultear was old enough to get custody of us, and she just wanted to leave all those memories behind."

Natsu didn't miss the use of 'us' instead of 'me', but decided to let it go. When Gajeel had mentioned Gray's brother, it had earned him a broken nose, and Natsu preferred to avoid that fate. Gray would tell him when he was ready – about his mom, his brother, whatever happened with Erza and Gajeel, and whatever it was that put him in so much pain all the time.

As if reading his mind, Gray excused himself for a moment, returning with a handful of pills that he tossed into his mouth and chased down with the rest of his coffee.

"Do they taste as bad as mine?" Natsu joked, hoping to hell that Gray wouldn't shut down on him – not now, when Natsu had been getting real, genuine answers out of him. Gray looked hesitant, then set down his coffee mug and shook his head.

"Nah." He chewed on his bottom lip. "I just get the occasional headache. And this." He held out his left hand, palm-down in front of him, and Natsu could see that it was trembling noticeably. "Nothing serious."

"Weird," Natsu remarked. "Is it always like that?" Gray shrugged.

"It started maybe... two months after I started taking them? It doesn't bother me much." Gray must have recognized the curious expression on Natsu's face, because he continued speaking. "They're for the nerve pain in my shoulder." His voice was guarded, but he sat back down and rested his feet on the opposite stool, leaning his calf against Natsu's.

"Can... I ask?" Natsu's throat felt dry, and he grabbed his coffee mug, disappointed to see that it was empty. "Or, I mean, if you don't wanna-"

"I don't," Gray replied, looking down at his hands. He sighed. "I know... I'm not... the easiest person to get to know." He flexed his fingers a few times, then rubbed his palms along his sweatpants. "Me not wanting to talk about this doesn't have anything to do with you." Natsu swallowed, feeling his stomach twist.

"It's oka-"

"It's not." Gray's voice wasn't angry, just discouraged. "I know I have trust issues, I don't need my therapist to tell me that." He tapped his fingers against his knees, refusing to look up. "But I have a good reason. And I promise, I will tell you one day. I'm just... not ready." Gray looked up, and Natsu was surprised to see the beginnings of tears in his eyes. "I'm already letting you in as much as I can."

"Gray," Natsu breathed, standing up and pulling Gray into a hug. Gray didn't resist, just pressed his forehead into Natsu's shoulder and sighed. "It's your story. You owe me _nothing_." Gray let out a puff of laughter, moving his arms up to rest loosely around Natsu's waist.

"Thank you," he whispered into Natsu's shirt, then lifted his head and rubbed his face with the back of his hand. "We, ah, should clean this up." Natsu nodded, but he noticed that Gray's other hand was still resting lightly on his hip. "I was gonna tell you, I talked to Mira and she said we could both do group this week via Skype from here."

Natsu blinked. He had completely forgotten about group – or had perhaps assumed that they wouldn't let him back in because he had failed in the most obvious way possible. The thought of seeing everyone made him feel sick. Even Lucy and Erza visiting in the hospital had made him feel so ashamed that he'd barely spoken to them.

"Hey." Gray tugged on the hem of Natsu's shirt to get his attention, and Natsu's eyes darted back down to Gray's face. "It's okay. Erza and Lucy already know, and so does Cana. Gajeel is going to play nice or he's gonna regret it." Natsu laughed a little at that.

A loud, sharp rapping at the door interrupted their conversation, and Natsu was puzzled to see Gray's eyes widen in fear.

"Gray?" Natsu asked, puzzled. Gray's face had gone pale, and his breath was coming out much sharper and quicker than it should be. The hand that was resting on Natsu's hip had tightened enough that it hurt. "Gray? What's going on?"

Gray stared at Natsu like he wasn't there, terrified gaze unmoving. Natsu shook his shoulder but the only response was a soft whisper of _he doesn't know where I live,_ repeated over and over again. Natsu heard the knock again, and then Erza's voice, calling out for them.

"Just a minute!" Natsu shouted, reaching up and tapping Gray's cheek tentatively. "Gray, snap out of it." He hesitated, eyes dropping down to Gray's tattooed wrist. "C'mon, Snowflake." At the nickname, Gray's eyes fluttered closed, and when he opened them again, they were trained on Natsu. "There you are, Snowflake. You're okay."

Natsu ran a thumb over Gray's cheekbone, and Gray exhaled sharply, leaning into Natsu's touch for a moment, then jerking backwards.

"Sorry," Gray whispered, cheeks flushed pink as he tried to stand and nearly knocked the stool to the ground. "I'm sorry. I gotta, um, the door." And then he was gone, dashing through the living room and leaving Natsu at the counter, wondering what the hell had just happened.


	17. chapter 17

_there's nothing left to prove, there's nothing i won't do  
there's nothing like the pain i feel for you  
_\- our lady peace, "not enough"

Gray peered through the door's spyhole, cursing his stupidity, and was surprised to see Erza and Lucy standing in the hallway, holding Natsu's guitar case.

"How the hell do you know where I live?" he demanded, swinging the door open. Lucy frowned, and Gray realized belatedly that she was holding Kaden, who was gazing up at him curiously. "Sorry." He ran a hand through his hair and exhaled sharply, hoping that his cheeks weren't as red as they felt. "This is a protected address," he grumbled, still not letting them into the apartment.

"You gave it to me at the hospital." Erza reached out and put a hand on Gray's forearm, and he flinched. His heart was still going a million miles a minute, and broken fragments of a dozen pieces of his life were scrambling for purchase in his head. Erza's voice sounded so far away. "Gray, are you okay?"

"He's just grumpy 'cause he hasn't finished his coffee yet." Natsu's voice floated in from behind him, and a gentle hand ghosted over the small of Gray's back, slowly dragging him back to reality. Gray exhaled, trying to rearrange his features into a smile.

"Yeah, sorry," Gray breathed, shaking his head and motioning for them to come in. He touched Erza's arm and motioned for her to stay behind as Natsu led Lucy and Kaden into the living room. "Honestly, I don't remember giving that to you."

"It's all right," Erza insisted, still looking at him with concern. "You don't seem well." Gray laughed dryly, rubbing his hands over his face.

"Fucking hell," he whispered. "It's okay, it's not you. I just… this address is protected, nobody but Ultear should have it. I wasn't thinking when I gave it to you." Erza's eyes widened in realization.

"You mean because of—"

"Lyon, yeah." Gray leaned back against the wall and took several deep breaths. "I had to move after..." His fingers brushed his shoulder. "I know he's in jail and it shouldn't matter anymore. It's just…"

"I know." Erza gave Gray a half-smile. "Doors slamming still freak me out, even though it's been years. I get it."

"I wish you didn't," Gray murmured. "I still feel…" He sighed. "I'm sorry for everything that happened back then." Erza shook her head.

"Wasn't your fault," she said, pulling her phone out of her pocket. Gray watched as she navigated to her text history where he'd sent her the address, then deleted the message. "I'll tell Lucy to forget it too – although I might not have to, she has the worst sense of direction I've ever seen."

Gray smiled. "Thanks, Erza," he said. She tugged him away from the wall and then bumped her shoulder into his, grinning.

"Anytime. Now let's go see how things are going with your boyfriend."

Gray tried to scowl at her, but found he didn't have the energy, so he just followed her into the living room instead.

"You don't have to apologize," Lucy said to Natsu. She shifted a squirming Kaden on her hip again while Natsu stared at the ground uncomfortably. Gray sighed, moving over to them and reaching out for Kaden.

 _"Viens t'en,"_ he said as he lifted Kaden from Lucy's grasp. Lucy looked surprised, but didn't argue, and Gray gestured for her and Natsu to take a seat on the couch.

Kaden gurgled at Gray and immediately reached for the pendant around his neck. Gray rolled his eyes, tucking it under his shirt. "I promise you don't wanna put that in your mouth. Should we see if we can find something for you to play with?"

Sylvie had lots of toys at the apartment, but they weren't really appropriate for a six-month-old. Plus, Gray had a feeling that if Kaden chewed on Sylvie's lightsaber, he would be facing a tantrum of epic proportions.

"There's some toys in the diaper bag," Lucy said, gesturing to the floor next to the couch. Gray slid onto the ground in front of Natsu and placed Kaden between his legs, digging through the bag and pulling out something brightly colored and plastic. Kaden made a cooing sound and grabbed it, then immediately stuck it in his mouth.

"Figures," Gray grumbled, and Lucy laughed. _"C_ _'est dégueulasse._ _"_ Kaden blinked at him. "Gross," Gray clarified. Erza tucked Natsu's guitar case into the corner of the living room, then settled herself on the floor across from Gray, brushing her hair away from her face.

"How are you guys doing?" she asked, smiling as Happy padded across the floor and into her lap. Erza ran her fingers absently through Happy's fur, scratching behind his ears. Kaden squealed in delight and rolled onto his stomach, then began wriggling across the floor toward Happy.

 _"Fait attention,"_ Gray warned. Happy generally didn't come out when the kids were around, and obviously hadn't seen Kaden yet. "And... we're okay?" He tipped his head back against Natsu's leg to to look at Natsu upside-down. He could see Natsu's cheeks turning pink.

"Mhmm," Natsu mumbled. "Just... tired." Immediately after saying that, he yawned and rubbed his eyes. "We just had breakfast, I can't believe I need a nap already."

"Well, whatever they gave you yesterday was pretty powerful," Gray replied. "I had to carry you up here." Natsu's cheeks turned redder, and he groaned, burying his face in the back of the sofa.

"Natsu," Lucy said gently, reaching out and touching his leg. "I need you to know that I mean it. I'm not mad – _we're_ not mad – and you don't need to apologize." Natsu refused to remove his face from the sofa. "I'm just so relieved that you're safe."

"We're all here for you," Erza added, scooping Happy into her arms to help him avoid Kaden's curious hands. Gray reached out and pulled Kaden back into his lap, settling him on the floor and giving him the toy again.

"I feel stupid," Natsu muttered. His fingers were clenched in a tight fist, and Gray reached up and rubbed his knuckles until he loosened his grip enough to accept Gray's hand. "I wanted... I felt like..." Gray squeezed gently, steadfastly ignoring the curious look Erza was throwing his way. "I tried to ask for help," Natsu said quietly, turning his head and looking down at Gray. "I tried to text you when this happened," he gestured to his face, "but my stupid fucking piece of shit phone died and I just felt so hopeless like it was this sign that I shouldn't even try and..."

Gray's chest tightened and he couldn't stop the heartbroken expression that stole across his face. The idea of Natsu sitting somewhere, alone and hurting and _wanting_ to ask for help but being unable to...

"I'm so sorry," Gray murmured, leaning his head back on Natsu's leg again. "You know that I would have come, right?" Natsu looked uncertain, and Gray squeezed his hand. "I'll always come. Doesn't matter what happens, where you are, what you've done. I'll _always_ come for you." He felt tears pricking his eyes again, and he wished that Lucy and Erza weren't here to see this.

"Really?" Natsu's voice was small and sad, but he looked at Gray and there was something hopeful in his eyes.

" _Always_ ," Gray repeated, gaze intent. The strength of his conviction almost _hurt_ , and he suddenly _knew_ that this wasn't just some stupid infatuation, some half-assed crush that would just fade away. Gray didn't care that they had only known each other for a few weeks – he cared for Natsu, fiercely and deeply.

Natsu's head dropped back against the sofa and he began to cry softly, tucking his knees up against his chest and releasing Gray's hand.

"I don't deserve you," he whispered, and it was unclear if he meant all of them, or Gray in particular.

"Natsu." Lucy's voice was firm, and she leaned forward, tugging Natsu into a hug. "It's okay. We're here now. You're safe here with Gray." Gray thought he could detect a slight hint of jealousy in her voice, but it was pushed aside by concern.

"Ba," Kaden said, and Natsu managed a weak smile for him. Kaden stared up at Natsu, eyes wide, holding his multicolored toy. "Naaa ba," he repeated, and Gray smiled.

"I think he agrees with his mom," Erza said, smiling at Natsu. She scooted closer to the couch until she was sitting next to Gray and reached up, pressing a hand to Natsu's back.

The four of them sat there while Natsu cried, each trying to shoulder a piece of the grief. Eventually his sobs slowed, then stopped altogether, and all that was left was the sound of his sleepy breathing while he laid against Lucy's shoulder.

"I can take him to bed," Gray offered, standing carefully and making sure that Erza was watching Kaden. Lucy nodded as Gray slid his arms underneath Natsu's legs and shoulders, picking him up and wincing slightly at the twinge in his shoulder. "It's fine," he said to Lucy's concerned expression. Natsu's head lolled against Gray's chest as he made his way down the hallway, then lay Natsu gently on the bed and tucked the blanket around him.

Gray sat there for a moment, stroking Natsu's hair away from his face. Then he leaned down and kissed Natsu's cheek, butterfly soft.

"Always," he whispered, then stood and headed back for the living room.

* * *

"How are _you_ feeling?" Erza asked as Gray returned from the bedroom. Gray rubbed his eyes and shrugged, sliding back down onto the floor. Kaden looked at him and reached out his chubby arms, and Gray smiled, lifting Kaden onto his lap.

"I'm... fine," he said, yawning. "Just tired." Kaden copied his yawning, and Gray smiled. He set Kaden on his knees and bounced him gently, and quietly began to sing a song that his mother had taught him when he was little. Kaden seemed to enjoy it, staring at Gray intently and then reaching up to rub his eyes.

"I didn't realize you... liked babies," Lucy said eventually, sounding uncertain.

"My sister has three kids," Gray replied. Kaden was yawning for real now, and Gray cradled him gently, feeling him slowly fall asleep on his chest. "Félix is just about the same age as Kaden."

"Well, you need to teach _me_ how to do that," Lucy grumbled, gesturing at Kaden's snoring figure. Gray laughed, rocking Kaden back and forth just enough to keep him asleep. He was so warm, and his soft, fine hair smelled like that weird universal baby soap. It was comforting.

"How are you doing?" Gray asked, turning to really _look_ at Lucy for the first time. She looked tired, but not unhappy.

"I'm... all right," she replied, tugging a bit of her hair loose and re-braiding it. "I've been staying with Loke since Monday. He's actually being nice about it which is super weird."

"Is he usually a dick?"

"Not a dick, no." Lucy frowned. "Just really entitled, y'know? But he said that he gets why I stood up to my dad and he wants to help me and Kaden. I just don't know how much I can trust him." Gray nodded.

"Have you talked to your dad?" he asked. Lucy shook her head.

"He's called me about a billion times but I'm not checking my messages." She chewed on her thumbnail. "I'm not ready to talk to him yet."

"Mira said that she could get Lucy in touch with someone who could help her find housing," Erza interjected, leaning back and stretching out her legs. Her shirt today was low-cut, and Gray was impressed by the detail in the tattoo across her collarbone. It was dark red, like her hair, and strangely tribal in design. Gray was certain that Jellal had a similar one.

"Yeah, wouldn't it be great if I could have a place like _this_ ," Lucy said. She swept her arms around her to indicate the apartment, and the resentment was evident in her voice this time. Gray felt sharp sparks of anger flaring up under his skin.

"Yeah, well, the price for this place is three dead parents and a brother in prison," Gray snapped irritably. Lucy looked mortified, and Gray immediately regretted his outburst. " _Tabarnak_ , I'm sorry. It's been a rough few days. I didn't mean that."

"I'm so sorry," Lucy replied, reaching down and touching Gray's shoulder. He tried his hardest not to flinch, focusing instead on rocking Kaden, whose weight on Gray's chest kept him grounded.

Erza and Lucy chatted for a few more minutes, but Gray tuned them out, focusing on Kaden instead. He remembered when Sylvie was born, how tiny she had been – only six pounds, the smallest baby he had ever seen. He had been terrified to hold her, but Ultear had trusted him, and when Sylvie had opened her eyes and gazed up at him, Gray had fallen in love in a way he'd never known he could.

Gray's thoughts slowly wandered back to Natsu. Gray could still feel the intensity, the heaviness in his chest that insisted that this feeling for Natsu was not lust, or affection, or friendship. He gazed at his fingers, wishing he could explain what exactly was happening that made him so certain that he was… in love with that beautiful, ridiculous idiot.

"We have to get going." Erza said, tapping Gray's ankle with her foot. He jolted out of his reverie, blinking at her. "Group starts in an hour, I guess you'll have to wake Natsu up too."

Lucy stood from the couch, then leaned down to take Kaden from Gray's arms. Gray pushed himself up and stretched, yawning again. Lucy tucked a blanket around Kaden while Erza shouldered the diaper bag, and they headed for the front door.

"Take care of yourself," Erza said, clasping Gray's arm and looking at him seriously. He nodded, then smiled with as much enthusiasm as he could muster.

"Thanks for bringing the guitar," he said. "I know it meant a lot to him. We'll see you guys this afternoon?" Both girls nodded, and then the door clicked behind him and Gray was left in the silence of his apartment again.

* * *

 **French Translations**  
Viens t'en = C'mere  
C'est dégueulasse = That's gross  
Fais attention = Be careful  
Tabarnak = Fuck


	18. chapter 18

_i don't want the world to see me  
_ _'cause i don't think that they'd understand  
_ _when everything's made to be broken  
_ _i just want you to know who i am  
_ \- the goo goo dolls, "iris"

 _Always_.

The word was still ringing in Natsu's head when Gray woke him up with a soft shake of the shoulder. Natsu couldn't remember his dream, but that word and the memory of Gray's face when he said it were tumbling through his brain.

"Group starts in half an hour," Gray said quietly. Natsu groaned and rolled onto his back, stretching his arms over his head. He hissed in pain as he felt his stitches pull. Gray grabbed Natsu's arm and pulled it toward him, looking concerned.

"Just hurts," Natsu whispered, and even through the pain wasn't enough to make him cry, he felt the tears ready to fall all the same. Gray ran his thumb over Natsu's wrist, just above the bandage.

"I'll get you something for it," he said, standing and slipping out of the room.

Natsu sighed, wiping his eyes with his other hand. What day was it, anyway? Everything felt jumbled up in his brain. He sat up slowly, kicking his feet over the edge of the bed and whimpering quietly. He felt like shit.

"Come sit on the couch," Gray said, reappearing at Natsu's side. He grasped Natsu's elbow and helped him stand, then tugged him along until he collapsed back onto the sofa. Gray handed Natsu a couple of white pills and a glass of water, which Natsu swallowed quickly. "Better?"

Natsu shrugged, feeling a flood of affection rush through him as Gray tucked a pillow beside him and covered him up a blanket. He shivered, curling up into the corner of the couch as best he could.

"Need anything else?" Gray asked. Natsu blinked up at Gray, then shook his head.

"Just..." He waved his hand vaguely, and Gray nodded as if he knew exactly what Natsu was talking about. Then he flopped down on the couch and began fiddling with the laptop.

Seeing everyone was awkward, but not nearly as bad as Natsu had been expecting. The biggest surprise was that the technology worked like it was supposed to, and they didn't spend forty-five minutes trying to get the iPad in the center to connect to the wifi.

"Today we're going to talk about forgiveness," Mira began after everyone waved to Natsu and Gray. Her voice was tinny through the laptop speakers. Gray grabbed his coffee and curled up in the center of the couch, letting Natsu hang out on the periphery of the webcam's range. Natsu gazed at Gray – he looked exhausted, and Natsu was fairly certain this was his fourth cup of coffee today.

"This is a quote from a young woman named Najwa Zebian that I would like to share with you," Mira continued. Gray snorted, but Natsu noticed that his hand was trembling again. It looked like more than just a medication side effect. Natsu reached out his leg and nudged Gray with his foot.

"You okay?" he asked. Gray shrugged, but reached down and rested his hand over Natsu's ankle. His fingers began absently tracing patterns over the top of Natsu's foot, and Natsu shivered.

 _"Today, I decided to forgive you,"_ Mira read from the book in front of her. _"Not because you apologized, or because you acknowledged the pain that you caused me, but because my soul deserves peace."_

Gray's hand froze, and Natsu looked over at him, concerned. He didn't look as freaked out as this morning (which Natsu was still worried about), but there was an expression of pain and regret on his face that made Natsu uneasy.

"Hey," he whispered, but Gray shook his head. Natsu edged forward slowly until Gray shuffled his legs over and Natsu's feet rested in his lap. Gray moved his hand up to Natsu's calf and continued the slow caresses.

"We're going to be doing a writing exercise today, so you'll need some paper and a pen," Mira said. Natsu groaned internally – he _really_ didn't want to move right now, not with Gray drawing soft circles on his leg – when Gray passed him his notebook.

"It was on the desk at the center... when I found you," Gray said, looking uncomfortable. "I didn't flip through it or anything. Just the one page." Natsu's face grew hot, but it was more embarrassment than anger.

"Thanks," he whispered, flipping it open and thumbing through his drawings. Close to the end was a full-page sketch of Gray, sitting on the windowsill at the youth center, looking grumpy and distant. It felt like a memory from a lifetime ago.

They spent the better part of the next hour journaling. Everyone had to choose someone they wanted to try to forgive – Natsu had struggled with that for a bit, but had finally decided on his father. Natsu only knew his first name – Neelan – and he scrawled it at the top of the page. After that, they spent some time writing down thoughts and judgements about the person they picked. Natsu jotted down a few things, then wrote _ABANDONED ME_ in large letters, scowling at the paper.

Gray shifted his legs under Natsu's feet, but didn't push Natsu off. He was resting his notebook against Natsu's calf, tilted at exactly the right angle so that Natsu could see it. Natsu wondered if that was intentional. _LYON_ was printed at the top in Gray's neat handwriting, and underneath, all it said was _I can't_. Gray's face was tight, and he appeared to be composing music in the margins instead of journaling.

When Mira called for a break, Gray tipped the notebook onto his stomach and groaned, leaning his head back into the couch. Then he sat up, reaching over to the laptop and hitting the _pause_ button on the webcam.

"You good?" Natsu asked. He wiggled his feet in Gray's lap, and Gray sighed, blowing hair out of his face. He rubbed his thumb over the side of Natsu's foot and Natsu jumped a bit. Gray looked over, eyebrow raised.

"Ticklish?" he asked. Natsu nodded warily, narrowing his eyes at Gray.

"Don't you dare," he warned. There was a spark now, a mischievous edge to Gray's smile that Natsu had never seen before. Quicker than Natsu could react, Gray had grabbed both of Natsu's ankles and yanked him farther down onto the couch.

"Ah! Get off me, you bastard!" Natsu shouted, wriggling and letting out an embarrassingly high-pitched giggle as Gray tickled his feet. "Get... argh... lemme go!" Natsu managed to sit up enough to grab Gray's sweater, then pulled him forward until he had Gray in a headlock.

Gray shouted in surprise, releasing his hold on Natsu's ankles and struggling against his grip instead.

"Y'know, you're lucky I'm injured," Natsu huffed as Gray headbutted his chest.

"Don't think that's gonna make me go easy on you," Gray replied, poking Natsu in the armpit and then yelping when Natsu returned the favor. Gray reached out and pinned Natsu's right hand next to his head, leaning forward until he was practically sitting on Natsu.

"You... 's not fair..." Natsu grumbled as he struggled feebly, but he couldn't do much with his bandaged wrist. Gray grinned, then exhaled in surprise as Natsu brought his knee up, knocking Gray forwards.

 _Oh_. Natsu realized his miscalculation as soon as Gray flung his arm out to break his fall, landing right next to Natsu's face. Now he _was_ sitting on Natsu, arms on either side of his head, face _much_ too close to be doing anything other than...

Natsu held his breath. Everything was quiet, suddenly – the background noise of the group coming through the laptop's speakers was muffled by the blood pounding in his ears. All he could see were Gray's eyes – they looked black from far away, but up close they were the color of the night sky in summer; a deep, rich blue that Natsu couldn't look away from. Natsu could see a thousand emotions flicker across Gray's face as he swallowed thickly.

"We're ready to resume!" Mira's cheerful voice broke the reverie, and Gray blinked a few times, slowly releasing Natsu's wrist and slumping back onto the couch. "Are you two there?" Natsu shifted uncomfortably, dropping his gaze to his notebook. He heard Gray take a deep breath, then reach over and turn the webcam back on.

"Y-yeah," Gray stammered, cheeks pink, and Natsu felt something burst open in his chest as he realized that Gray _did_ like him.

 _So then why didn't he just kiss me?_ Natsu wondered, peering at Gray curiously as the color slowly faded from his cheeks. There were a few reasons that Natsu could think of, and he began to scribble them down in his notebook so it looked like he was participating.

 _reasons gray is afraid to kiss me_

 _1 he thinks im off limits cause i have a crazy brain & hes taking care of me  
_ _2 his shitty life stuff makes him scared of being close to ppl  
_ _3 he thinks im not into him (is he stupid? i think im being pretty obvius)_

Natsu tapped his pencil against the margin, re-reading his list. Honestly, the trauma one made the most sense to him. Gray was clearly interested – evidenced by the hand-holding, cuddling in bed (even though he slipped out before Natsu woke up), and the weird tension when he was changing Natsu's bandage this morning. But what was Natsu supposed to do about that?

He glanced over at Gray, who was focused intently on the laptop screen. A small smile crept across Natsu's face as he tested his theory, reaching out with his foot and poking Gray again. This time Gray didn't look at him, but his hand made its way to Natsu's ankle all the same, and he resumed the small caresses from before the break.

Natsu sighed contentedly, not bothering to keep quiet, and decided to wait for Gray to make the first move.

* * *

About half an hour after group ended, Gray's phone rang. Natsu glanced at the caller ID, and was surprised to see Gajeel's name pop up on the screen.

"Gray, Gajeel is calling you for some reason?" he called out. Natsu heard the tap running in the bathroom, and Gray returned to the living room just in time for the call to end. Gray frowned at the phone, then picked it up and hit 'redial'.

"What do you want?" he demanded, and Natsu could hear Gajeel muttering something in the background. Gray looked puzzled, but pulled the phone away from his ear and put it on speakerphone. "Yeah, he's right here." He flopped down on the couch next to Natsu, who shoved his sketchbook out of the way.

"Good." Gajeel's voice was echoey; he clearly had them on speakerphone as well. "I, um… I wanted to say… uh..."

"The word you're looking for is 'sorry'," a bored-sounding boy's voice drawled in the background.

"I swear to god…" Gajeel's growled, then he sighed. "So, yeah, that. I'm sorry."

There was silence for a moment as Natsu and Gray looked at each other quizzically.

"For…?" Gray prompted. He propped his feet up on the coffee table, leaning back and throwing his arm over the couch behind Natsu.

"Argh, you know what I'm talkin' about." Gajeel sounded petulant now, which was something Natsu never expected to hear.

"Apologies have to be specific, Gajeel…" the other voice interjected.

"Fine! I'm sorry for callin' you… names." There was an awkward pause. "I was a dick. I dunno why I said it, I don't give a fuck if you like dudes or whatever."

"Thank you?" Natsu said hesitantly.

"You…you doin' okay?" Gajeel's voice was still gruff, but he seemed genuinely concerned. "I heard you, ah, did… I mean…"

"Oh my god, Gajeel, you're hopeless." Natsu could practically _hear_ the boy on the other end of the line rolling his eyes. "My brother has an empathy deficiency, sorry." His voice got a bit louder as he seemed to move towards the phone. Gajeel grumbled something, and the other boy sighed. "As much as he might have been an asshole, I promise you that his apology is sincere."

"Ryos, is that you?" Gray finally asked, frowning. There was an affirmative murmur. "Shit, last time I saw you, you were like—"

"Twelve, I know," Ryos interrupted. "Gajeel tells me you're doing well, Gray, although I'm sad to hear about Lyon." Natsu didn't miss how Gray froze, breath catching. He bumped their knees together, and Gray exhaled sharply.

"Alright, gimme that," Gajeel growled, and there was a rustling sound. "Go do your homework. I'm serious. No, I ain't got a clue how to do that kinda math. Go ask your boyfriend, you said he was smart." There was a deep sigh. "Okay. So, I'm sorry for bein' an ass and callin' you names, it was stupid. Ryos told me yesterday that he's… he's got a boyfriend, and I just want him to be happy. So it was stupid of me to say that shit."

"That's… thank you," Gray said.

"Natsu, sorry for tryin' to steal your meds," Gajeel added. Natsu groaned as Gray turned to look at him suspiciously. "I'm tryin' to be better. An' I hope you're okay."

"I am now," Natsu replied, still avoiding Gray's gaze.

"Ok. Good." There was an awkward pause, then Gajeel added, "I gotta go," and hung up the line.

"Well." Gray let out a deep breath. "That was… interesting."

"He seems… less douchey now," Natsu commented. "Maybe you punched some sense into him."

"I've known Gajeel since he was fifteen," Gray replied, rolling his eyes. "He's… he does the wrong things for the right reasons. Like we all did." Gray's voice softened. "Him and Erza and I…we got caught up with the wrong people. We were all desperate, I guess. Hurt, in some way." Natsu frowned.

"Erza missed a bunch of school in grade nine," he said slowly. "Was that—"

Gray nodded. "Part of the reason I'm still finishing high school." He was quiet for a moment. "It started off as harmless shit – graffiti, skipping school, some shoplifting. But it got dangerous really quickly. When I found out that there were drugs involved…" Gray shook his head. "I left, and so did Erza."

"So... Gajeel stayed?" Natsu asked, trying to picture Gray in a gang. "After you and Erza left, I mean?" Gray paused, chewing on his lip.

"He has every reason to hate me," Gray said finally. "I called the cops on them. Ly- he was selling drugs to kids. I just... I couldn't do it." He sighed. "Gajeel ended up in juvie for a year. So did..." He hesitated, and his left hand started trembling again. "My brother." The words felt like something that had been exorcised, and Gray looked like he might be sick.

Natsu reached over and grabbed Gray's hand. "I saw your journal," Natsu admitted, and Gray didn't look surprised. "I dunno what he did to you, but it's obviously something pretty shitty that fucked up your life, so I don't think you have to be ready to forgive him." Gray sighed, squeezing Natsu's hand and then bringing both his hands up to rub his face.

"Thanks," Gray said quietly, dropping his hands back into his lap. "All right, I'm done talking about shit for today." He stood from the couch and stretched, then walked over to the corner of the room. He returned with Natsu's guitar case – battered and covered with stickers and patches.

"Play for me," Gray said, setting the guitar case on the coffee table. Natsu's fingers itched, but he glanced down at his left arm, and Gray's face fell. _"Câlice,_ I'm sorry. I didn't even think." Natsu shrugged, feeling his face flush. The stitches still hurt, and the doctor at the hospital had said it might be a while before he could bend his wrist properly.

Gray tapped his fingers against the case contemplatively, then snapped the latches open.

"What are you-"

"Teach me," he said. Natsu blinked as Gray lifted his guitar from the soft lining and ran his fingers down the strings. "I'm left-handed so it'll be a bit weird, but you're gonna do the strumming anyway." He sat down on the couch and shuffled over until he was sitting up against Natsu's left side.

"Teach you... to play guitar?"

"Sorta," Gray replied. He pushed the blanket to the floor, then shifted the guitar so it was resting in Natsu's lap. Gray bent his knee so Natsu was almost sitting on his lap, then curled his right arm around Natsu's waist, keeping his left on the fret. "You strum, I'll do all this."

"Do you know how to play?" Natsu asked. He realized now what Gray was trying to do, and his stomach felt like it was full of bubbles. _What did I do to deserve you?_ he thought.

"Not really, but I'm a fast learner," Gray replied. Natsu was incredibly aware of each part of him that touched Gray, and when Gray's arm around his waist shifted and Gray's fingers casually brushed Natsu's hip, Natsu stopped breathing entirely. It wasn't a sexual touch by any means, but _how did Gray do that_ , just keep touching Natsu so casually, as if it wasn't going to make him implode.

"Um," Natsu said. "Yes. Music?" _Holy fuck, get it together_. "A song, I mean. To teach you the chords." Gray shrugged.

"What were you working on... before?" he asked. Natsu paused for a moment, trying to remember something that would be easy to learn. Then he started to laugh, and Gray raised his eyebrow.

"It's just..." Natsu waved his right hand in the air, trying to come up with the word. "Y'know the word when something is perfect for the situation, but in a kind of funny way?"

"Serendipitous?" Gray guessed. Natsu didn't know what that meant, but went with it anyway.

Gray was right – he _was_ a fast learner. At first, Natsu had to position Gray's fingers on the fret with his opposite hand, which was way more sensual than it had any right to be. After about half an hour, Gray had the chords down, so they worked on coordinating that with Natsu strumming. It took most of the afternoon, but they finally had a playable song just as the sun was setting.

"One more time," Gray said, shifting on the couch and moving his right hand so that it was resting on Natsu's thigh. Natsu swallowed, then counted them in and began to play. He was so focused on their coordination that he was caught off guard when Gray began to sing.

 _And I'd give up forever to touch you 'cause I know that you feel me somehow  
_ _You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be and I don't want to go home right now_

Gray's voice was rough and tentative, and it brought Natsu back to waking up in the hospital to quiet, soft words in a language he didn't understand. Their heads were so close together, and the words Gray sand felt like they were being whispered directly into Natsu's ear. Natsu shivered, missing a beat, but Gray nudged him gently and they fell back into their rhythm.

 _And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in your lies  
_ _When everything feels like the movies - yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive_

Something caught in Natsu's throat, and he felt the tears welling behind his eyes again. Gray leaned his head against Natsu's, rubbing his thumb in comforting circles over Natsu's thigh. As Natsu strummed the last few chords, he took a shuddering breath, then dropped his hand on top of Gray's.

"I'm sorry," Gray murmured, moving the guitar out of the way. "I didn't mean to make you cry."

"It's okay," Natsu said softly, rubbing his face with the back of his hand. He turned and let Gray pull him into a hug. After a moment, Gray pressed a soft kiss to the top of Natsu's head, then reached over to the coffee table and grabbed his phone.

"I'm too emotionally drained to cook tonight," he announced, flopping back on the couch next to Natsu. "We're getting takeout. Pizza or Chinese?"

"Pizza," Natsu replied, leaning back into the couch cushions and trying to keep the hopeful sensation in his chest alive. He noticed that Gray was still holding his hand, and he smiled.

"Find us a movie on Netflix," Gray said, holding his phone away from his ear. Natsu nodded, grabbing the remote. "Just... nothing super scary." Gray looked embarrassed. "That shit freaks me out at night."

Natsu grinned. This was going to be _fun._


	19. chapter 19

_TW for scars/mentions of self-harm and past abuse_

* * *

 _if we can't find where we belong  
_ _we'll have to make it on our own  
_ _face all the pain and take it on  
_ _because the only hope for me is you alone  
_ \- my chemical romance, "the only hope for me is you"

Christmas Eve was in two days, and Gray was sort of, kind of, completely having the panic attack he promised himself wouldn't happen.

"Our body holds on to memories," his therapist had said. "An anniversary of a traumatic event can become almost as difficult as the event itself." Gray wasn't sure about that, because if tomorrow was worse than the day his parents died _and_ the day that Lyon fucked him over _put together_ , then it was going to be a shitstorm of epic proportions.

"You okay?" Gray glanced up from the couch to see Natsu standing over him, and he shrugged. He felt bad – he'd been short and dismissive for most of the day, but Natsu seemed to be taking it in stride. In fact, he'd even made supper for the two of them – even though all he'd done was reheat pizza and throw some vegetables on the plate, it still made Gray feel slightly better.

"Just..." Gray sighed. Natsu nodded, squeezing Gray's shoulder and not remarking on the flinch he received in response.

"I'm gonna go shower," he said gently. Gray nodded, watching Natsu head down the hallway. As soon as Natsu closed the door to the washroom, Gray dropped his head into his hands and sighed.

He knew he was being stubborn. He wasn't blind; it was clear that Natsu liked him, and was probably aware that the feelings were mutual. Gray _could_ have just leaned down and kissed Natsu yesterday – it would have been easy, and Gray's stomach fluttered every time he thought about it.

There was just... Gray sighed and rubbed his face, trying to sort through the roiling mess of emotions in his chest. It wasn't that he didn't trust Natsu. His therapist would have fun with this – she was always insisting that Gray needed to let people into his life rather than blocking them out. But that was easier said than done. He knew it was ridiculous and superstitious, but Gray worried that he was cursed.

 _"Be a good boy," maman said, pressing a kiss to the top of five-year-old Gray's head. He bounced on his toes, then threw his arms around her waist. She was so pretty tonight, dressed up for Christmas Eve mass, and she smelled like her fancy perfume._

 _"Je t'aime, maman!" Gray said. She smiled and ruffled his hair. Papa knelt down next to him and Gray hugged him tightly, giggling at the tickle of papa's beard on his cheek._

 _"Be nice to Aunty Ur," Papa said, smiling, and Gray nodded his head, running back into his favorite babysitter's arms. "We love you," papa and maman said in unison._

Gray leaned back into the cushions, smiling softly at the memory. At least he'd had the chance to say goodbye.

 _"...they were both killed instantly, I'm so sorry."_

 _Gray stood at the foot of the stairs in his pajamas, clutching his stuffed bear to his chest. Aunty Ur was at the front door, shoulders shaking with tears, lights from the police car painting the walls blue and red._

 _"Wha's matter?" Gray asked sleepily, moving forward and tugging on Aunty Ur's skirt. She turned to him, crouching down on the floor, and pulled him into her arms._

 _"I'm so sorry, baby," she whispered, and even though he didn't know what had happened, Gray felt himself starting to cry._

 _"I want maman and papa," he whispered, trying to pull himself out of Ur's embrace. She just held him tighter, stroking his hair and pressing a kiss to his cheek._

 _"They're gone, sweetheart," Ur whispered, her voice breaking. "Maman and papa aren't coming home."_

Present-day Gray scrubbed tears from his eyes, glad that Natsu was still in the shower so that he could have this moment to himself. If his parents dying had been the only tragedy in his life, Gray felt he could have handled it. But then Ur died, and Lyon left, and then Lyon fucking...

 _Tabarnak_. Gray couldn't think about this shit anymore. Maybe one day when he wasn't a complete wreck of a human being, he could let Natsu in. For now, it was too messy, and too sad, and just too much. Natsu didn't deserve that. He had so much light in him, and Gray didn't want to ruin that with his darkness.

Gray stood up, stretched and headed to the bedroom. As he slid under the duvet and made himself comfortable, Natsu wandered in, running a hand through his damp hair. He grabbed the roll of gauze from the dresser and tossed it at Gray, then slumped down on the bed and held out his hand.

"Do you need anything for the pain?" Gray asked as he gently began to wrap the gauze around Natsu's arm. It had only been four days and the wound was already looking much better. Natsu shook his head, keeping his eyes averted. "You don't have to be embarrassed."

"I am, though," Natsu said quietly, chewing on his thumbnail. "Not just that one. The other ones too." Both of Natsu's forearms carried a map of older scars, and Gray suspected most of them were self-inflicted. Some were short and shallow and silvery white, others wide and deeper and redder. A series of small, circular burn marks dotted the inside of his wrist, as well as a set of faded bruises shaped like fingerprints.

"I'm not judging," was all Gray could say, thinking of his own scars that he kept hidden from the world. He ran a thumb over a particularly nasty mark close to the inside of Natsu's elbow, and Natsu winced. "Sorry," Gray whispered. After wrapping off the gauze, he trailed his fingers down to Natsu's palm and squeezed his hand.

"Thanks," Natsu said quietly. He tugged on his shirt – Gray's shirt, Natsu still didn't have any of his own clothes – and flopped back down on the bed like a starfish, causing Happy to leap down to the floor with a disgruntled _meow_. "I'm not tired yet," he complained, peering up at Gray from his upside-down position.

"We are _not_ watching another horror movie," Gray growled.

"Oh, come on, it wasn't _that_ bad," Natsu insisted, grinning. Gray disagreed – whatever Natsu had picked last night had been terrifying. After the screams had started, Gray had spent the rest of the film under a blanket with Natsu's arm wrapped around him. Now that Gray thought about it, that had probably been Natsu's plan from the beginning.

"You could read," Gray suggested, gesturing at the bookshelf on the far side of the room. "I dunno what books you usually like, but I'm sure you could find something there." Natsu looked uncomfortable suddenly, and Gray frowned. "Hey," he said, nudging Natsu with his knee. "What's up?"

"I can't- I don't read," Natsu admitted, refusing to look at Gray. "I mean, I like books," he added quickly. "It's the words that are hard. They don't make sense." Gray looked at him curiously for a moment, then realized what he meant.

"Are you dyslexic?" he asked, hoping the question didn't come across as offensive as it seemed. Natsu just shrugged.

"Probably? I never got like, tested or anything." He fiddled with a loose thread on the hem of his shirt. "I can write okay – I mix up letters sometimes and spell shit wrong – but reading is just... it's like I can't focus. And the words move all over the place." He rolled until he was facing away from Gray, who sighed.

"C'mere," he said softly, tugging on Natsu's shoulder until Natsu looked up at him again. Natsu's cheeks were pink and he refused to look at Gray. "What kind of books do you like?"

"I guess fantasy stuff, usually," he answered after a moment. "My... my dad used to read me the Harry Potter books before he left. I liked the dragons."

Gray squinted over at his bookshelf – it was mostly science fiction and he didn't own the Harry Potter series, but there was one book over there that would be perfect. He shimmied out from under the covers and grabbed it, then returned to bed, gesturing for Natsu to move closer.

"I already said I can't—"

"Shush," Gray replied, rearranging them so that Natsu was cuddled alongside him, and the book was propped up on Gray's thigh. He reached over to the bedside table, giving Natsu a stern look. "No teasing," he muttered, grabbing his glasses and settling them on his face.

"Oh. Wow." Natsu looked up at him, and Gray felt his face getting hot. "You normally wear contacts?" He nodded. "I like them. You look good. I mean- they look good. The glasses. On you. Your face. It looks good." Natsu sighed, burying his face in his hands. "You look older," he mumbled through his fingers.

"Thanks," Gray said slowly, feeling a smile creeping across his face. Natsu let out a deep breath, then looked up at Gray again with a pleading expression.

"Please don't make me read," he said quietly, and Gray's heart sunk.

"No, god, that's not- I'm not a monster." Gray sighed, shaking his head. He flipped the book open, leaned back against the headboard, and began to read out loud.

" _In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort."_

* * *

Gray had just hung up the phone with Richelle when Natsu meandered into the kitchen the next morning, yawning and rubbing his eyes. They had stayed up reading until almost two in the morning, when Gray's voice had finally given out and Natsu had fallen asleep on Gray's shoulder.

"I have potential good news, and potential bad news," Gray said. He held out a cup of coffee for Natsu, who accepted it and slumped down onto a barstool.

"Ugh, bad first." Natsu sipped the coffee. "Mmmm perfect sugar. Thanks." Gray rolled his eyes – the 'perfect amount of sugar' for Natsu was apparently almost five spoonfuls. His coffee was pretty much sludge, which was horrifying as far as Gray was concerned.

"You won't be getting your stuff back until after New Year's." Gray warmed his hands on his mug and sighed, sitting down next to Natsu, whose expression stayed carefully neutral.

"Honestly," Natsu said slowly, "there's not much there that I care about." He looked up at Gray and chewed on his lip. "I got my guitar and my sketchbook; the rest is just shitty clothes. I can maybe talk to Richelle about getting some... money for new stuff." His face flushed pink and Gray sighed.

"That probably won't happen for a few days either," he replied. "And the reason for that is the potential good news." Natsu looked at him curiously. "Don is in jail."

There was silence for a few seconds while Natsu blinked, mug of coffee halfway to his mouth.

"Jail?" he asked in a small voice. Gray placed a hand on Natsu's knee.

"He assaulted Richelle." Gray tried to keep his voice gentle – he had no idea how Natsu would react to any of this. Relieved? Angry? A mix of both? "She's fine, just needed a few stitches, but when the police showed up he attacked one of them too." Natsu's face was unreadable. "He's being charged with assaulting a police officer, which could land him in jail for a while. They might need to come ask you some questions." At the hospital, Richelle and an officer had taken photos of the bruises on Natsu's face, but he hadn't really been coherent enough to talk to them.

The silence continued, and Gray realized that Natsu was trembling. He took the coffee cup out of Natsu's hands and set it, and his own, on the counter.

"I'm not gonna ask if you're okay because that's a stupid question," Gray said. Natsu exhaled softly. "I just..." Gray and took Natsu's hands in his own.

"Is there a word for when you're angry and relieved and happy and terrified all at the same time?" Natsu's voice was shaky.

"Probably in German," Gray said after a moment, and was relieved to see Natsu give him a half-smile. "But, uh, I can teach you to swear at him in French if you want?" Natsu laughed a little at that.

"Sure. How do I say 'good riddance, you motherfucking cocksucker?'"

" _Bon débarras, putain d'enculé de fils de pute._ " Gray replied without hesitation. "But don't tell Ultear I taught you that."

Natsu met Gray's eyes and dissolved into a fit of laughter. His laugh was contagious, and Gray found himself smiling.

"Teach me more," Natsu said, after he had regained his composure. Gray blinked. "French, I mean. It's really cool that you can speak another language."

"Oh," Gray replied, uncertain. He remembered moving here at fifteen and having the kids in his class tease him about his accent. It had mostly faded over time, but the memories hadn't. "Sure. What do you want to know?" Natsu glanced around the kitchen, then reached out and picked up his coffee, gesturing at the mug.

 _"Café,"_ Gray said, then added, "Although in your case I would call it _la boue_ _."_ Natsu frowned. "It means sludge."

"Hey!" Natsu pretended to be indignant, then sipped at the coffee and smiled in satisfaction. "Alright, how about... 'music.'"

 _"Musique._ You're picking the words that are similar to English."

"Well then, I'm sure you know where this is going." Natsu grinned, and Gray rolled his eyes.

"More swearing?"

"More swearing," Natsu replied, wriggling in his chair.

"Québec swearing is a bit weird," Gray admitted. "It's different from other French, and there's no literal translation. I mean, I can say _c_ _â_ _lice_ and it can mean _damn_ or _shit_ or _fuck_ , depending on how hard I say it and where it is in a sentence."

"What about what you said before?" Natsu asked, resting his ankle against Gray's on the barstool. "That wasn't literal?" Gray let out a puff of laughter.

"Kinda. _Enculé_ means…" he trailed off, cheeks turning pink. "Ah, 'someone who gets fucked in the ass.'" Natsu snorted, nearly dropping his coffee. "And _fils de pute_ means 'son of a bitch' so the sentiment is still there."

Laughter lit up Natsu's face – his smile was wide, and his cheeks were pink, and he looked like he had on the first day they'd met.

"It's good to see your smile," Gray said before he could stop himself. Natsu gazed at him, then grinned even wider.

"It's good to smile," he replied, standing up and stretching. He looked around the apartment, then back to Gray. "Can we go somewhere today? Even just for a walk. I'm feeling..."

"Me too," Gray agreed, "and you're going to laugh at my idiotic lack of planning but I still have to get some Christmas shopping done."

Natsu gave him a funny look. "I'm not saying this to play the 'pity the poor kid in foster care' card," he said, "but I have literally never gone Christmas shopping." He looked a bit embarrassed. "I never had anyone to buy gifts for, y'know?"

Gray paused for a moment as he thought about what Natsu was saying.

"You mean… your foster parents didn't..."

"We usually got that stuff from the charities," Natsu replied. He wandered into the kitchen and opened the fridge door, and it hit Gray how _at home_ Natsu seemed. "I think the second one I was at had a tree? I guess you don't have one, hey?"

"N-no, Ultear decorates and I just... go there," Gray said. "Less work for me."

Memories of childhood Christmases were flooding through Gray's head – maman helping him bake Christmas cookies, sleigh rides through the snow with Ultear and Lyon, Christmas mornings opening gifts from Père Noël. It amazed him that he was twenty and had never really considered that other people his age didn't have those memories.

"Hey, I said no pity." Natsu emerged from the fridge with some bread and a jam jar, which he waved at Gray in an admonishing manner. He tossed a couple of slices in the toaster and leaned against the counter. "Yeah, Christmas sucked when I was little. But I get to spend it with you this year." The way Natsu said _you_ made Gray's chest swell a bit.

"Ultear goes all out," Gray said, finishing off his coffee and snagging a slice of toast as it popped. Natsu stuck his tongue out, but Gray smirked and ignored him. "Their tree is like, eight feet tall. The kids all get spoiled rotten, and so do I, even though I've told her not to. So that's gonna extend to you this year too." Ultear had texted Gray a few times asking about items for Natsu's stocking, but Gray felt like he hadn't been much help.

"They don't have to get me anything," Natsu mumbled as he grabbed his own toast.

"Once my sister gets something in her head," Gray replied, "there is literally nothing you can do to stop her." He tossed his dishes in the sink and stretched. "So you might as well just let it happen."

* * *

They decided to walk to Main Street, since Gray only needed a few small items. Snow was falling in soft flakes and drifting to the ground, where they melted almost instantaneously.

"I don't think I'll ever get used to this," Gray said softly. Natsu turned and gave him a quizzical look. "In Montréal, it would snow like crazy. When I was a kid, it was almost as tall as I was." Natsu's eyes widened.

"That must have been awesome," he exclaimed. "One year I got sent to a foster home up north and the snow was super deep. It was in this big group home with about ten kids, so we made his huge snow fort in their backyard. Then we had a snowball fight that ended up going until it was too dark to see each other."

"I used to build snow forts with Ultear and..." Gray hesitated. Did he want to do this? Acknowledging that he even _had_ a brother had been difficult enough, but could he talk about him without feeling angry and bitter? He exhaled sharply. "...and Lyon."

"I feel like you were probably the reigning snowball fight champion," Natsu said, grinning. Gray felt himself starting to smile.

"Actually, him and I were pretty evenly matched," he said. Just a little sting. It didn't feel like he was falling apart. He could do this. "We were so mean to Ultear, I feel bad now. She would usually end up going inside with mom, and Lyon and I would stay out and just pummel each other into the snow." Each time he said Lyon's name, it was slightly less painful.

"Were – are you two the same age?" Natsu asked. Gray nodded.

"Our birthdays are two days apart. Beginning of December."

"Happy belated birthday, then."

"Thanks."

Gray watched Nastu kick little puffs of snow up as he walked, hands tucked into the pockets of Gray's old winter coat, pink hair peeking out from beneath Gray's favorite toque.

"Hey, is that – Lucy! Lucy, over here!" Natsu shouted, and Gray glanced across the street to see Lucy waving at them, with Kaden in a sling on her chest. Natsu bounded across the road to her and squeezed her in a tight hug, pressing a kiss to Kaden's forehead. "How's it going?"

"Busy! I'm so happy to see you," Lucy said, setting down her shopping bags, then turning and giving Gray a look that said _can I hug you?_ He shrugged, leaning forward and letting her wrap her arms around his neck. "Is Gray taking good care of you?"

"Y-yeah," Natsu said, fiddling with the fraying ends of his scarf. "You shopping?" Lucy nodded, shifting Kaden and groaning.

"Yes, but this monster is getting heavier and heavier," she grumbled. "Loke's working today so he and I are on our own."

"Let me take him," Natsu said, reaching his arms out tentatively. "I-if that's okay." Lucy smiled brightly, reaching up and unhooking the carrier from her shoulder. She held it out to Natsu, and Gray was surprised to see him slide it on like he'd done it hundreds of times. He probably had, Gray realized. "C'mere, you," Natsu cooed at Kaden, who was dressed in a white fleece outfit that made him look like a polar bear. "How's my boy?"

"What are you two here for?" Lucy asked Gray, as Natsu tightened the sling and shifted Kaden until he was comfortable.

"Just last-minute stuff," Gray said, looking between the two of them and getting an idea. "Lucy, do you... I mean, if it's okay with you, Natsu..."

"Natsu can come with me if you need to get something _special_ ," Lucy teased, bumping Gray with her shoulder. His face flushed red, but he gave a half-nod. "Why don't we meet back here in an hour?" Gray nodded. Natsu was so engrossed in conversing with Kaden that he barely even noticed Gray leaving.

 _It's good for him to spend time with someone other than me,_ Gray reasoned as he made his way through the crowds. He managed to get his family shopping done in record time – books for the kids, a mug and some tea for Ultear, and a new set of gloves for his brother-in-law, Xavier. The last place he stopped was a small, eclectic shop of knick-knacks, where he hoped they would still have what he was looking for.

Squeezing his way through rows of antique telephones, vinyl records, cassette tapes and hand-made coasters, Gray finally made it to the back of the store where the notebooks were kept. He flipped through them one by one, until he found what he was after. It was a journal, leather-bound, with blank pages that would be perfect for sketching. And on the cover was an ornate embossment of a red dragon.


	20. chapter 20

_i let you in but i'm so scared of what you'll see  
_ _just skin and bones hiding this monster inside of me  
_ \- paradise fears, "warrior"

When Natsu woke up on the morning of Christmas Eve, Gray was still asleep. It was the first time that had happened – usually Gray got up at a ridiculous hour, went swimming, and was back before Natsu had even contemplated getting out of bed.

Sleeping in the same bed felt natural now. At first, Gray had tried to insist that he should sleep on the couch, then stood there blustering like an idiot until Natsu had just shoved him onto the bed and settled in next to him. There had been some half-hearted grumbling, and some attempts to shove pillows between them, but once the lights were off, Gray hadn't protested when Natsu had wrapped an arm around his waist and cuddled up to him.

This morning, Gray was the one doing the cuddling, face buried in Natsu's chest. Natsu's shirt had ridden up at some point, and Gray's hand rested on his bare stomach, which was sort of making Natsu's brain short-circuit. It didn't help that Gray was adorable when he slept. His mouth was slightly open, and his soft snores were puffing wayward strands of hair out of his face. Natsu reached over and gently ran his fingers through Gray's hair, brushing it out of Gray's eyes.

"That feels nice." Natsu jumped a little at Gray's muffled voice, then hummed in agreement, continuing to comb his fingers through Gray's hair.

"How're you feeling?" he asked gently. Gray hadn't slept well, and Natsu had woken him from several nightmares. Gray grunted and kept his face buried in Natsu's shirt. "That good, huh?" Gray didn't reply, and Natsu didn't push it.

They lay like that for the better part of an hour, Natsu running his fingers through Gray's hair, until Gray finally let out a loud sigh.

"I'm sorry," he said, leaning away from Natsu and sitting up. "Did I keep you up all night?" He looked so dejected that Natsu sat up as well, frowning at Gray.

"Did you not spend almost forty-eight hours awake saving my _life_ recently?" he asked, eyebrows raised. Gray didn't have an answer for that, just picked at the hem of his pajama pants. "You... were calling for your parents. In your sleep." There was a long silence.

"It's been fifteen fucking years, you think I'd be over it by now," Gray mumbled, pulling his knees up to his chest and hiding his face behind his arms. "But every year..."

"I don't think you ever get over something like that," Natsu said, thinking about the keen sense of abandonment that still stung when he thought about his father.

"I'm cursed," Gray said, voice muffled. "Everyone I love either dies or hurts me." He glanced over his arms at Natsu, and his eyes were dull.

"I haven't died or hurt you," Natsu argued. He realized that he had just included himself in the category of 'people that Gray loved' without thinking.

"You _almost_ died," Gray retorted, and anger flared up in Natsu's chest almost instantly.

"That had _nothing_ to do with you," he growled. Gray looked shocked by the sudden change in attitude. "There were a lot of reasons that I tried to kill myself," Natsu continued, voice sharp, "but you were never one of them. Don't you _dare_ think that you had _anything_ to do with it." Natsu's voice was shaking now, and Gray stared at him with a mix of bewilderment and disbelief.

"But... you..."

"You are not responsible for my fucked-up brain," Natsu said softly. The anger drained from Natsu's body and was replaced by concern. "The only person who made that choice was _me_. It was a fucking terrible decision, but it was _my_ decision."

Gray didn't say anything, just sat there while countless emotions flickered across his face. Natsu frowned. Was _this_ why Gray was so reluctant to get closer to him? Because he thought he was... what, somehow damaged beyond repair and would fuck Natsu up if he got caught in the vortex of shitty circumstance?

"I didn't... I don't..." Gray looked so lost.

"You know what you _did_ do?" Natsu asked. Gray immediately looked concerned, and Natsu reached out a hand to reassure him. Gray flinched, but let Natsu touch him. "You saved my _life_ , you idiot. You're not cursed, I'm not going to die or leave or hurt you. I'm here _because_ of you." He brought his hand up and brushed Gray's hair out of his face. "And you're not going to hurt me. The only thing that hurts me is watching you deal with this alone."

Gray stared at him uncertainly.

"I know shitty stuff has happened to you, and I'm so sorry," Natsu continued. "But that doesn't mean you don't deserve to be happy _now_." Nervousness bubbled in Natsu's chest as he leaned over and pressed a soft, chaste kiss at the corner of Gray's mouth. "Just think about it, okay?"

Then he kissed Gray's forehead, stood from the bed, and left Gray looking stunned and bewildered in the middle of a pile of blankets.

* * *

"Uncle Gray!" An excited shout was followed by a tiny girl with a mess of curly, dark hair who threw herself at Gray and wrapped her arms around his knees. _"Joyeaux Noël!"_

Natsu stood awkwardly at the door to Ultera's house, holding a stack of presents and feeling slightly terrified.

 _"Joyeaux Noël, coco,"_ Gray replied fondly, kneeling down beside the little girl and brushing a curl from her face. She bounced on her toes excitedly. There were pink streaks in her hair, and she wore a Star Wars hoodie over a pair of bright yellow leggings.

 _"Cadeaux!"_ she exclaimed, pointing into the living room. Gray laughed, pressing a kiss to her cheek. She turned to look up at Natsu, who smiled nervously. _"C'est qui?"_

 _"C'est mon..."_ Gray glanced up at Natsu, looking slightly embarrassed _. "C'est Natsu,"_ he said finally. The little girl flashed Natsu a mischievous smile.

 _"Cheveux roses!"_ she exclaimed, then pointed at her own hair. Gray laughed.

"Yes, he does have pink hair just like you." Gray stood up, scooping the girl into his arms. "He also doesn't speak French, so _anglais s'il te pla_ _ît."_ The girl looked at Natsu curiously as Gray moved to stand beside him. "Natsu, this is my niece, Sylvie."

"Hello Sylvie," Natsu said softly. She gazed intently at him, then reached out a hand and began petting his hair.

"Na'su pretty," she announced, and Gray snorted as Natsu's cheeks turned pink. "Come! Presents!" Sylvie squirmed until Gray set her down, then ran off in the direction of the living room.

Natsu felt a hand tugging at the back of his jacket, and he let Gray slip it off his arms and hang it in the closet. He set down the gifts and began fiddling with the too-long sleeves of Gray's dress shirt. It felt strange to be wearing Gray's clothes all the time, but Gray didn't seem to mind at all.

"You should have let me hem those," Gray said softly, reaching out and helping Natsu roll the sleeves up just enough to not cover his hands.

"I still can't believe you can sew," Natsu replied, breath hitching when he felt Gray's fingers accidentally brush the inside of his wrist. _Get ahold of yourself_ , he thought desperately. The air between them had been infused with a new kind of tension ever since this morning, and Natsu wasn't sure what to make of it.

"I'm a man of many mysterious talents," Gray replied. The words were teasing, but the tone was… new. Gray looked unsettled now, fingers still pinched on the sleeve of Natsu's shirt, lip caught between his teeth. Natsu suddenly realized how close they were standing.

 _"Joyeaux Noël!"_ Gray jumped away from Natsu at the sound of Ultear's voice, and her glared at her half-heartedly as she came around the corner, carrying a tray of cookies. "Hello, Natsu." Natsu blushed and looked up at her shyly. He hadn't seen her since the hospital, and didn't really remember much from that night.

"H-hello," he managed. "I, uh... thank you for having me here." Ultear smiled at him. Even though they both had the same dark hair, it was obvious that her and Gray were not biologically related. And while Gray's accent was barely noticeable, Ultear's clearly marked her Québecois.

"It is no problem," she replied, smiling warmly at him. "We always have plenty of food – and it is good to see Gray making friends!" The last part was mock-whispered at Natsu. Gray glared, but Natsu noticed he didn't argue. "Come meet the other kids! I will tell them to speak English but they don't always listen."

Natsu trailed behind Gray as they walked into the living area. The room was a disaster, but a beautiful one. The giant tree in the corner was decorated with multicolored lights and home-made ornaments, and piles of beautifully wrapped presents were stacked underneath. A long table was set with an assortment of food, and each place-setting sported a Christmas cracker.

"This is amazing," Natsu whispered, taking it all in. Gray turned back to look at Natsu, and there was something warm and open in his eyes. He reached out and grasped Natsu's hand, who took it without thinking and gave Gray an excited smile.

"It's kinda chaotic," Gray muttered, glancing over at the piles of books and toys.

"It's perfect," Natsu breathed. He looked down as if he had only just realized that their hands were clasped, and his face flushed red.

A frustrated shouting match suddenly broke out on the other side of the room, and Natsu looked over to see Sylvie pushing a smaller boy. Gray quickly let go of Natsu's hand, moving over to intervene. He spoke rapidly in French to the two children, who both looked apologetic. The little boy reached out for Gray to pick him up, and Gray obliged, bringing him back over to where Natsu was standing.

"You met Sylvie," Gray said, "and this is her little brother Renaud." The boy's pudgy face broke into a smile as he gestured at Natsu's hair. Gray laughed as Natsu leaned down to let the boy touch it. "Your hair is a big hit with the kids," Gray joked. Natsu felt his arm brush against Gray's and shivered, using Renaud's squirming as an excuse to move closer.

"The, uh, the little one over there is Félix." Gray gestured to a high chair in the corner where yet another dark-haired child, who looked about the same age as Kaden, was making a mess of some kind of food. "And this is my brother-in-law, Xavier." Natsu turned around to see a slim, blonde man with black-rimmed glasses and a rather tacky Christmas sweater. Natsu immediately realized how close he was standing to Gray and took a step backward.

"I guess the dark hair is dominant," Natsu joked, reaching out to shake Xavier's hand. Xavier laughed, rubbing his head ruefully.

"Yes, they do all take after their mother," he replied, pinching Renaud's cheek. The toddler giggled and buried his face in Gray's neck. Natsu watched, entranced, as Gray nonchalantly pressed a kiss to Renaud's hair. Was this really the boy who had told him to fuck off the first time they met? Or who had broken Gajeel's nose? Gray looked gorgeous, dressed in his cardigan and dark jeans, cuddling his nephew and laughing, backlit by the multicolored Christmas lights…

"Na'su!" Sylvie came running over and tugged at his pant leg, and he crouched down in front of her. She was holding out a toy that looked very familiar.

"Is that Pikachu?" he asked excitedly. Sylvie's face lit up and she grinned, reaching out and tugging on his hand and directing him to a bin of Pokémon toys on the other side of the room.

"More! Uncle Gray! Come play!"

* * *

Dinner was a chaotic affair – Renaud and Félix both demanded a lot of their parents' attention, so Gray had seated himself and Natsu on either side of Sylvie to help keep the peace. After spending half an hour playing Pokémon, Sylvie had declared that 'Uncle Na'su' was her new best friend, and was talking his ear off as they ate.

"Wha 'sat?" she demanded, mouth full of food, pointing her fork at Natsu's eyebrow piercing.

"It's, uh, like jewelry," Natsu replied. Sylvie looked at him with glee.

"Me _aussi!"_ she shouted, and Ultear turned to give her daughter an amused look.

"Not until you're sixteen," she said fondly, and Sylvie pouted.

 _"Combien_ sleeps for sis-teen?" She demanded of Natsu, who blinked as he tried to do the mental math.

"Lots," he replied finally, and Sylvie looked dejected. "But you already have awesome pink in your hair!" Her expression changed and she stuck her hands in her hair proudly. Gray snorted as she managed to smear mashed potato on her forehead.

"Can you pass the beans, please?" Natsu smiled across the table at Ultear. "Everything is amazing." Gray had explained all of the dishes to him – a traditional French Canadian meal of tourtière (meat pie), fèves au lard (baked beans), coleslaw, and mashed potatoes.

 _"Merci,_ Natsu," Ultear replied while trying to convince Renaud to try coleslaw. Gray reached over and grabbed the potatoes and moved to pass it to Natsu, but instead cried out in pain and dropped the bowl. "Gray!" Ultear moved to jump up, but Gray waved her back into her seat. He reached up and grabbed his shoulder, grimacing.

"I'm fine," he said, voice tight. "It was just heavier than I expected, that's all." Natsu frowned. He could see redness creeping up Gray's face and coloring the tips of his ears.

"Uncle Gray owie?" Sylvie piped up, and she stared at Gray in concern. Gray smiled reassuringly at her, wiping the potato from her forehead.

"Nope, all good, _tresor."_ He rolled the shoulder a couple times, but Natsu could still see the lines of pain on his face. Clearly he wasn't fine. He'd seemed okay for the past few days, but yesterday and this morning his shoulder had seemed to be bothering him.

"You had owie at hospital," Sylvie declared, and Gray's jaw twitched. He darted a glance over to Natsu, who tried to look neutral and disinterested. If Gray wanted to keep this private, Natsu wasn't going to pry, no matter how curious he was.

"Yep, but it's fine now," Gray said. He tried to keep his voice light and tried to redirect her. "Do you like your supper?" But Sylvie was persistent.

"Owie for long time," she said solemnly. "Here an' here." She pointed to her own shoulder, and also to her stomach.

"Xavier, I think it's time for dessert," Ultear announced quickly, which immediately drew Sylvie's attention away from Gray. Natsu saw Gray sigh in relief and give Ultear a grateful look as the tension dissipated. Natsu chewed the end of his fork, gazing at Gray curiously. What had Lyon done to him?

* * *

Once the table was cleared and the floor was covered in wrapping paper and ribbons, Natsu excused himself to the washroom. Everyone had been allowed to open one present before Christmas Day, and Natsu was still red-faced from having received a gift from Ultear – a beautiful dark cardigan that nearly matched Gray's. It was the first nice piece of clothing he'd ever owned, and Natsu had almost cried when he opened it.

He stood in the washroom for a moment, leaning on the counter and staring at his reflection in the mirror. His hair was a hilarious mess, full of glitter and pieces of ribbon that Sylvie had tried to 'braid' into it.

Natsu found himself grinning. He was exhausted and messy and his shirt was rumpled, but he hadn't felt this happy in a long time. No matter what happened between him and Gray, this was a memory that Natsu would always treasure.

He was heading back towards the living room when he heard heated voices, and realized that Gray and Ultear were arguing in the front entrance. Natsu hesitated. If he walked past right now, he might be interrupting something, but if he waited, he might hear something that Gray didn't want him to hear.

 _"Tu devrais au moins les ouvrir,"_ Ultear said softly. Right. Natsu didn't understand French anyway. Ultear's voice was pleading, though. _"Il est ton frère."_ _Frère_. Brother. That was one word that Natsu remembered from French class. _Shit_ , they were talking about Lyon.

 _"Il n'est pas mon criss de frère!"_ Gray's voice was tight with anger, and Natsu heard a noise like paper ripping.

 _"Gray, il—"_

 _"Que le diable l'emporte!"_ Gray shouted. The sounds of the kids playing in the living room came to an abrupt stop, and Natsu could hear a sharp intake of breath from Ultear.

"Gray." Her voice was stern.

 _"Désolé."_ Gray's words were apologetic, but he still sounded furious. _"Mais je ne le pardonnerai jamais."_ The front closet opened and Natsu heard hangers rattling. _"J'peux pas."_ And then the front door slammed and Gray was gone, and Ultear was peering around the corner at Natsu.

"I'm sorry," Natsu whispered, looking down at his feet. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop – I mean, I can't even understand French anyway, and I don't wanna make Gray upse—"

"I have already made him upset," Ultear replied, reaching out for Natsu's arm and pulling him into a hug. She smelled like vanilla. "I am sorry you had to see that. Gray is angry about many things. I should not have brought it up tonight." She released Natsu and then reached up to brush a strand of hair from her face.

"He…" Natsu trailed off, biting his lip ring. "He's in pain a lot." Ultear nodded sadly. Natsu noticed that she was holding a stack of envelopes in her hand, and that the top one was ripped mostly in half and addressed to Gray. "I know a little... I just wanted to wait until he was ready to tell me."

"I'm not certain he will ever be ready," Ultear said softly. She looked over in the direction of the living room and sighed. "I've done everything I can for him."

"I'll go find him," Natsu said, moving past Ultear to grab his jacket from the closet. "I'll bring him home."

* * *

 **French Translations**  
Joyeaux Noël! = Merry Christmas!  
Cadeaux = presents  
C'est qui? = Who's that?  
C'est mon/C'est Natsu = That's my/That's Natsu  
Cheveux roses = pink hair  
Anglais s'il te plait = (speak) English please  
Me aussi = me too  
Combien = how many  
Tresor = sweetheart (nickname for child)  
Tu devrais au moins les ouvrir = You should at least open them  
Il est ton frère = He's your brother  
Il n'est pas mon criss de frère! = He's not my fucking brother!  
Que le diable l'emporte! = He can die in hell! (colloquial, literally means 'may the devil take him')  
Désolé, mais je ne le pardonnerai jamais. = I'm sorry, but I will never forgive him.  
J'peux pas. = I can't (do this right now).


	21. chapter 21

_CW for mentions of violence_

* * *

 _i'll carry you home, no you're not alone  
_ _keep marching on, this is worth fighting for  
_ _you know we've all got battle scars  
_ \- paradise fears, battle scars

Gray sat on the roundabout at the park near Ultear's house, knees tucked under his chest, hands trembling. He wasn't surprised when he heard footsteps nearby, and when Natsu slumped down next to him, he sighed.

"You'd better not start spinning this thing," Natsu joked quietly. "I get really bad motion sickness – this could be a disaster." Gray breathed out a small sound of amusement, knocking his knee against Natsu's. A gentle silence descended over them, a sharp contrast to the jumble of sounds and images in Gray's brain.

 _...need to hide... can't let him know you're-…. call the police... a soft knock on his front door... shock of white hair... red and blue lights on the wall... "they're not coming home" ... Lyon's eyes that didn't see him... "it should have been you the first time"… so much blood… sirens and blurry voices…_

"Lyon shot me."

Gray felt Natsu stiffen beside him at the words, and his stomach dropped. _Please don't leave_ , he thought, clenching his fists.

"Last year," Gray continued uncertainly. "He... it's..." He sighed, burying his face in his hands. "It's a really fucking long story." He felt a soft bump against his shoulder, and glanced over at Natsu.

"Do you want to tell me?" Natsu asked. His eyes were open and honest, and Gray felt that fear again, the terror of tarnishing Natsu's _goodness_ with all this garbage. Natsu must have been able to read his mind, because he added, "You told me that I didn't have to do this alone. You don't either."

Natsu held out his hand and Gray hesitated for only a second before grabbing it and lacing their fingers together. He took a deep breath, trying to figure out where to begin. Once he started talking, he knew he wasn't going to be able to stop.

"Lyon... blamed me for mom's death," he said softly. "Probably still does." Gray chewed on his lip, feeling his stomach revolt against him. Everything in him screamed at him to shut up, that he could still walk away from this intact. Gray breathed deeply, trying to remember Natsu's words from earlier. _You're not going to hurt me. The only thing that hurts me is watching you deal with this alone._

"I'm sure it wasn't your fau-"

"My uncle murdered her," Gray snarled. _Fuck_ , this was hard. "Sorry, I'm not... good at this..." Gray sighed and Natsu squeezed his hand.

"Take your time," Natsu said gently, and Gray nodded.

"My uncle – Jean-Yves – was never... well," he said after a moment. "He had a lot of mental health issues that he wouldn't get help for. When my... parents died, he wanted me to live with him, but he was deemed 'unfit.' He kinda lost it." Natsu rubbed his thumb over Gray's knuckles. "He was in and out of jail, and he was banned from seeing me. I guess he tried to grab me a few times while we were out grocery shopping and stuff."

"Jesus," Natsu said quietly, and Gray nodded. The snow was coming down harder now, and Natsu shifted closer, wrapping his arm around Gray.

"Five years ago, he... showed up at our house..."

 _"Lyon, take Gray and hide in the basement." Gray's mom's face was terrified in a way that Gray had never seen it before, not even the night his parents died._

 _"Mom, what's going on?" he asked. She grabbed his hands and peeked around the corner at the front door, where someone was banging on it as hard as they could. "We should call the pol—"_

 _"Your sister's already on the phone with them," Ur whispered, touching Gray and Lyon's faces and kissing their foreheads. "No matter what happens, I love you both. Now for once in your lives, listen to your mother and HIDE. Please."_

"We lived in a rural area," Gray said quietly. "So it took the police a bit to get there." He felt like everything around him was muffled; his own voice sounded so far away. "Mom was... she knew he would..."

 _"What's going on?" Lyon's eyes were wide with panic as he and Gray huddled in the crawlspace – two lanky fifteen-year-olds with too-long legs. "We have to go back up."_

 _"I can't hear anything," Gray whispered, his entire body trembling. He didn't even push Lyon away when Lyon reached out and took Gray's hand in his own. "I'm scared."_

 _"Me too," Lyon whispered, and then there was a BANG, and Gray's heart stopped._

 _"Mom!" Gray shouted, kicking open the door to the crawlspace and dashing up the stairs. The front door was wide open and there was... He stopped dead, Lyon crashing into his back. "Mom," he whispered. She was so still and there was so much blood._

"She tried to talk to him, I guess, the police weren't sure why she opened the door." Gray could feel Natsu's hand rubbing soft circles on his lower back. "H-he k-killed her and t-then shot h-himself..." An uncomfortable heat flooded through Gray's body, and he tensed, feeling like he was going to be sick.

"I'm sorry," Natsu whispered, leaning his head against Gray's shoulder. "I'm so sorry."

"I don't remember much after that," Gray said, trying to push through the nausea. "Ultear got custody of us and we moved here." He focused on the weight of Natsu's hand in his, solid and warm and _there_. "Lyon joined a gang. I told you that part." Natsu nodded. "After juvie he just got worse."

 _"FUCK YOU!" Lyon's face was contorted in anger, and Gray flinched away from it. "It's your fucking fault I was there in the first place, criss de traitre." Lyon's eyes were so hard and dark, and Gray searched for his brother in that darkness but found only monsters. "We aren't family anymore." Lyon spat the words, and Gray felt his heart breaking. "Va te faire foutre."_

"He disappeared." Gray's chest still ached from that conversation. He and Lyon were supposed to move out together, both finish high school and get a fresh start, but drugs had taken Lyon down a different path. "Ultear warned me that she knew who he was hanging out with, and that they were dangerous, but... it was like he'd died. Nobody talked about him anymore. It was easier to pretend I didn't have a brother."

Gray shivered a bit, looking up into the sky and feeling the heavy flakes tumble onto his cheeks.

"He showed up at my place last Christmas," Gray continued, gripping Natsu's hand tightly to keep his from shaking. God, why did this memory _hurt_ so badly? So much more than the others?

 _"Lyon?" Gray swung the door open and there was his brother, same hair, new leather jacket. He looked up, and all Gray could see was a stranger with glassy eyes and a sneer on his face. "What are you-"_

 _"It should have been you the first time," Lyon growled, swaying unsteadily. Gray frowned in confusion, and then Lyon reached into his jacket, and then all Gray knew was pain._

"He was high and... and he just..." Gray squeezed his eyes shut, as if that would erase the memory. "He shot me here-" he pointed at his shoulder "-and here." His hand dropped to the right side of his stomach. "I didn't even know he had a gun."

"I can't believe you've been carrying this alone for so long," Natsu whispered, bringing his hand up to stroke Gray's hair. Gray turned his face until it was buried in Natsu's shoulder, and everything fell apart as he finally, _finally_ let himself cry.

"The worst part is, he's right," Gray sobbed. "It _is_ my fault." Natsu made a soft sound of disagreement, but Gray ignored him. "It _should_ have been me. I don't know how Ultear can stand to look at me when I killed her mom." Oh god, why were all these fears just spilling out of him?

"Gray," Natsu said, and his voice was soft but admonishing. "It wasn't your fault." Gray shook his head, shoulders shaking with sobs, while Natsu continued to stroke his hair. "It wasn't your fault," he repeated.

"I h-hate… I j-just…" Gray was choking on his tears now, and Natsu wrapped both arms around him, pulling Gray into his chest and letting him cry. "I'm s-sorry," Gray gasped, not sure who he was apologizing to.

"Was it my fault that Don hit Richelle?" Natsu asked. The words were soft, but they cut straight through Gray.

"N-no…" Gray whispered.

"What about when he hurt that cop?" Gray shook his head, hiccupping a bit. "Then how can something that your uncle did be your responsibility?"

"B-but…" Gray shook his head. There was a weight in his chest now, and it felt like he couldn't breathe.

"Ultear and Xavier and the kids all love you so much, Gray," Natsu whispered, resting his cheek on the top of Gray's head. "And I do too." The last part was whispered, but Gray heard it as clearly as if Natsu had shouted. Gray shivered, breathing shakily.

"Sometimes I don't feel like I deserve it," Gray replied, resting his forehead on Natsu's shoulder and sniffling. "I just keep seeing his face. It was Christmas, I thought maybe… he wanted to talk. I dunno."

"Last Christmas?" Natsu asked gently. Gray nodded. "And it still hurts?"

"Every fucking day," Gray whispered, covering his eyes with his hand. "I hate him."

"I'm pretty sure you're allowed to hate the person who _shot_ you," Natsu said. Gray let out a soft puff of laughter. His throat felt raw and his eyes were swollen, but he felt… lighter.

They sat together for a while without talking, Gray wrapped up in Natsu's arms, until the cold seeped through his jeans and Gray couldn't feel his legs.

"C'mere," Natsu said eventually. He let go of Gray, then stood up and reached out his hand. Gray let Natsu pull him to his feet, dusting the snow from his pants. Natsu grabbed Gray's shoulders and pulled him in for a hug, and Gray sighed, clutching Natsu to him tightly.

"All right, come with me," Natsu said. He broke the embrace and grabbed Gray's hand, leading him over to the swing sets and gesturing to the pile of fluffy snow that was just outside of the playground. "Bet you I can land in that pile."

Gray raised an eyebrow, then let Natsu tug his arm until he was sitting on one of the swings. Natsu placed his hands in the middle of Gray's back, then pushed the swing forward.

"Bet you I can jump farther," Gray countered, voice still hoarse. Natsu hopped into the swing next to Gray and pushed himself backward, kicking up a flurry of snow with his sneakers. Gray copied the motion, then pumped his legs beneath him to encourage the swing to fly higher. Natsu stuck out his tongue at Gray, and the gesture was so ridiculous that Gray began to laugh.

He closed his eyes for a moment, remembering summertime with Lyon and Ultear, pretending they could swing high enough to reach the sky. When Gray opened his eyes, he kicked up again, and leaned backwards until his hair nearly brushed the ground on the upswing. With one final kick, he let go, flying through the air and landing directly in the snowbank.

"Incoming!"

Gray turned to see Natsu sailing through the air, and he barely managed to roll out of the way before Natsu landed in the same spot, stumbling and landing face-first on Gray's stomach.

"Oof." Natsu rolled over, and they lay side by side on their backs in the soft snow, staring up at the stars.

Gray glanced over at Natsu, who was grinning at him mischievously.

"What are yo—"

"Snowball fight!" Natsu smashed a handful of snow into Gray's face and Gray spluttered, rolling up onto his elbows.

"You have no idea what you've gotten yourself into," he growled as Natsu jumped up and ran off behind a tree, laughing hysterically. Gray began to scoop snow from the ground, and he felt a rush of nostalgia flow through him – but this time, it didn't hurt.

As he launched his first snowball at Natsu, he felt a strange peace descending over him. Maybe he wasn't cursed after all.

* * *

A couple hours later, Ultear's front door burst open to reveal two soaking wet young men with flushed cheeks and dripping hair.

"Look what I found," Natsu said, nudging Gray ahead of him. Ultear sighed in relief, stepping forward and pulling Gray into her arms, ignoring the wet puddle spreading around him. He resisted for a second, then exhaled and relaxed into the embrace, resting his head on her shoulder.

 _"Je t'aime,"_ he mumbled, then made a soft _oof_ as Ultear pulled Natsu into the embrace as well.

"Thank you for taking care of him," she said to Natsu, releasing them both and putting a hand on the side of Natsu's face. "You are good for him." Natsu shifted uncertainly, not looking at Gray. "Give me your jackets and go change into dry clothes. Then I believe Sylvie wants her 'new Uncle Natsu' to read her a story before bed." Natsu's cheeks turned pink, but relinquished his jacket and followed Gray down the hall and into the guest bedroom.

"These'll be even bigger than mine," Gray said quietly, rummaging through the dresser and holding out a pair of pajama pants and a long-sleeved shirt. Natsu took them silently, then began stripping off his wet clothes, realizing only once he was half-naked what a terrible idea that was. Gray didn't seem to mind, which was bizarre because he had never changed in front of Natsu since they had been living together. As soon as Gray pulled his shirt over his head, Natsu realized why.

A spiderweb of white scar tissue stretched from the edge of Gray's shoulder blade down to the middle of his back. Some of it was precise and clean – surgical scarring – but the vast majority of it was messy and uneven. A smaller, slightly less chaotic scar spread from a point lower on his torso, leaving a neat-looking circle of damaged tissue. Natsu realized he was staring when Gray turned around to face him.

"Looks like shit, hey?" Gray's voice was low and unreadable, and he bunched the shirt he was holding between his hands, not making eye contact. From the front the scarring was slightly less noticeable – a star-shaped burst on his shoulder and a wider patch on the side of his stomach. Natsu swallowed.

"Mine does too," he finally said, looking down at the healing red line that ran from his wrist to forearm. "Guess we're both a disaster."

Gray breathed out a small puff of laughter but didn't move. Natsu could see Gray's chest rise and fall erratically with every shaky breath, and he sighed, tugging on his shirt and pants and moving to the other side of the bed. Gray didn't react when Natsu took one of his hands and squeezed it gently.

"They're battle scars," Natsu whispered. He lifted his hand slowly, ready for Gray to flinch or slap him away, and was surprised when he was allowed to trace his fingers over the outline of the scar on Gray's chest. Gray shuddered. Natsu's touch was feather-light, drifting along the edges of the pale skin, and Gray gasped, his hand twitching.

"I just want to forget it ever happened," Gray whispered, reaching up to grasp Natsu's hand and hold it against his chest. "And every time I see this, I can't."

Gray's hand was cold but his skin was warm beneath Natsu's palm. A thousand sparks of electricity were flying between them, shooting up and down Natsu's arm and into his chest. He took a step closer to Gray, close enough to smell the chill of the snow that still clung to Gray's damp hair. Natsu's other hand drifted to Gray's waist, and he heard Gray inhale sharply.

"Maybe I can help you forget," Natsu whispered, tilting his head up and gazing into Gray's eyes. They were wide and scared and cautious and uncertain. Natsu's fingers on Gray's waist traced soft circles, and Gray let out a quiet sound. Natsu could feel Gray's pulse racing under his thumb as he gazed at Gray's lips. "Can I?"

There was a moment of hesitation, then a nod, and then Natsu pulled Gray down and kissed him.

Gray made a soft sound as their lips touched, drawing his free hand up into Natsu's hair. He tasted like peppermint. _Oh, god_. It was every moment that had almost happened, all the lingering looks lost on Gray's lips, all the brushing fingertips and soft caresses and deep gazes all rolled up into one soft, sweet, incredibly tender kiss.

Natsu's hand left Gray's waist and travelled up to his face, smoothing a thumb along his cheekbones while they kissed. Gray made a soft, heart-broken sound, and Natsu could feel tears on his face that weren't his own. His chest clenched and he kissed Gray harder, touching his face reverently with the tips of his fingers.

Gray shivered, and Natsu used the hand on Gray's chest to guide him back to the bed, then pushed Gray gently until he was sitting. Natsu broke the kiss softly, then grabbed the dry shirt and helped Gray pull it on.

"You aren't cursed," Natsu whispered, wiping Gray's cheeks with his thumbs and leaning in to kiss him again. One of Gray's hands moved up to rest at the back of Natsu's head, and the other slid under his shirt to drift over his back. Natsu shivered at the touch. "You deserve to be happy."

After a moment, Gray brought both hands up to cup Natsu's face, touching their foreheads together and breathing shakily. Natsu smiled, nuzzling his cheek into Gray's hand.

"I..." Gray started to speak, but just looked lost, blinking and then gazing up at Natsu.

"I've wanted to do that for a while," Natsu whispered, pressing a kiss to Gray's palm. The joy that flared in Gray's eyes made Natsu's stomach flip.

They both jumped when there was a loud knock on the door, followed by a petulant voice shouting, _"Lire un livre!"_ Gray started laughing, shaking his head and then pressing another soft, chase kiss to Natsu's lips.

 _"Un instante!"_ he shouted back. "Sylvie is getting impatient." Natsu smiled, stroking the side of Gray's face gently.

"We're going to go read her a story and put her to bed," Natsu said quietly, "and then sit with Ultear and Xavier and look at the Christmas tree and drink eggnog because this is exactly the kind of Christmas I never had." Gray's face dropped, and Natsu shook his head. "I'm not looking for pity, I'm just... this is perfect. The dinner, the tree, the gifts, the kids… you..." Natsu trailed off, leaning down to kiss Gray again.

"Thank you," Gray whispered, running his hands down Natsu's sides and resting them on his hips. "And... I've wanted to do that for a while too." His cheeks flushed even pinker than they already were.

"I know," Natsu grinned. "So, after all that Christmas stuff, we're gonna come back in here and pick up where we left off."

* * *

 **French Translations**  
Criss de traitre = Fucking traitor  
Va te faire foutre = Go fuck yourself  
Je t'aime = I love you  
Lire un livre! = Read a book!  
Un instant = Just a second!


	22. chapter 22

_i belong with you, you belong with me  
_ _you're my sweetheart  
_ \- the lumineers, "ho hey"

Natsu sighed happily as he and Gray headed back to their bedroom. Sylvie had been delighted by his dramatic rendition of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas," and had insisted on sitting half on Gray, half on Natsu while he read.

After the two of them had tucked her into bed – the younger ones asleep long ago – they had sat in front of the fireplace playing Scattergories with Ultear and Xavier until the logs were merely ash and dying embers. Natsu couldn't remember the last time he had felt so welcomed.

"Your family is perfect," Natsu said as he closed the door quietly behind him. "And I don't think I'm ever going to eat again." His stomach was still full from dinner, Christmas cake, various candies and eggnog.

"I guess I'm going to have to eat all your cinnamon buns tomorrow then," Gray smirked, turning to Natsu and stepping towards him until he was backed against the closed door. Gray leaned forward, resting a palm on the door next to Natsu's head, and Natsu shivered. There was a look in Gray's eyes that made Natsu's legs feel weak.

"Y-you didn't tell me there'd be cinnamon buns," Natsu stuttered. Gray's face was so close. "A-are we picking up where we left off?" Gray gave a half-smile, then his face turned serious.

"I'd like to," he said, his voice low. "But I need to be sure."

"Sure of what?" Natsu asked hesitantly.

"Sure that you want this," Gray replied, reaching up with one hand and drawing his thumb down the side of Natsu's face. "I'm- I don't wanna just mess around. And I'm not the... easiest person to be with."

"I'm sure," Natsu said, turning his face to press a kiss into Gray's palm. "And I'm pretty sure I can handle you." He winked, and Gray made a sort-of growling sound that almost stopped Natsu's heart.

"Good," Gray murmured, then closed the gap between them.

Natsu moaned softly at the kiss, bringing one hand to Gray's hip, and the other hand to tangle in his hair. Gray pushed his thigh in between Natsu's legs, pinning him to the door, and Natsu inhaled sharply at the sensation. They made soft noises in each other's mouths, tasting and teasing and pressing into each other. Natsu's thumb drew circles over Gray's hipbone, then slipped underneath his shirt and began to caress his bare skin.

Gray growled again, moving his hand to the base of Natsu's skull as his kisses became more insistent, more demanding. He gasped into Natsu's mouth, soft _ahs_ and _mmms_ that sent sparks directly to Natsu's groin. Gray was the most enthusiastic person Natsu had ever kissed, and he loved it. Natsu's fingers tightened until he was dragging his nails along the skin at the base of Gray's spine, the other hand tightening in Gray's hair.

 _"Criss, t'es incroyable,"_ Gray murmured against Natsu's lips, dragging his hand down from Natsu's cheek to trail across his collarbone, running his thumb over the hollow of Natsu's throat. Natsu had no idea what Gray was saying, but the roughness of his voice and the way the words rolled off his tongue were enough to make Natsu tremble.

"Nhhhhnn," Natsu groaned, nipping softly at Gray's lower lip. He ran his fingers along the hem of Gray's shirt questioningly, and there was a moment of hesitation. "It's oka-" Gray broke off the kiss momentarily and helped Natsu pull the sweater off, throwing it to the floor. There was a slight hint of vulnerability in Gray's eyes now, and Natsu wished he could kiss it away. He grabbed the hem of his own shirt and tugged it over his head, then pulled Gray back against him so that their chests were flush.

 _"Câlice,"_ Gray swore, tipping his head and pressing soft kisses along Natsu's jaw. Gray's hands were on Natsu's hips now, thumbs dipped just below the waist of Natsu's jeans, and Natsu dragged his fingers through Gray's hair again. _God_ , it was soft. Natsu moaned noisily as he felt teeth scrape his skin, then breathed out a laugh as one of Gray's fingers came up to rest on his lips. "Shhh," Gray whispered.

Gray pressed another kiss to Natsu's neck, then leaned back and looked at him, placing his hands on the door on either side of Natsu's head. Natsu swallowed heavily – the look in Gray's eyes was fervent and predatory. Natsu was glad for Gray's thigh in between his legs, otherwise he might have just melted to the ground right then and there.

"You have to be quiet," Gray whispered, a sultry smile on his lips.

 _Jesus Christ, it should be illegal for someone to have eyes like that_ , Natsu thought, enraptured by Gray's gaze. He leaned forward, wrapping a hand around the back of Gray's neck and pulling him forward, then catching Gray's bottom lip between his teeth.

"Bed?" Natsu suggested, drifting a hand down Gray's side until he shuddered. Gray stole one more kiss, then backed up slowly, catching Natsu's hand and dragging him back towards the bed in the center of the room. Gray sat down, spreading his legs apart and tugging Natsu towards him.

"C'mere," Gray whispered, leaning forward to press a kiss to the center of Natsu's chest. Natsu shivered, then let out a yelp as Gray pulled him forward and he tumbled down onto the bed. Gray grabbed his hips and flipped him over until he was straddling Natsu's thighs, leaning down over him. The tips of his hair brushed against Natsu's face.

"You're gorgeous," Gray whispered, eyes searching Natsu's face as Natsu shuddered. "I'm so lucky." Gray captured Natsu's lips with his own again, leaning down to rest on one elbow.

"Gray," Natsu whispered, wrapping his arms around Gray's hips and pulling him down onto the bed until they were facing each other. Gray hummed happily against him, their kisses turning soft and lazy. Natsu drifted his hand up and down Gray's chest, hesitating at the edge of the scar on Gray's stomach.

"Mmnnn," Gray murmured, breaking their kiss and leaning back a bit, propping himself up on his elbow. "It's okay. It's just a bit sensitive." Natsu nodded, running his fingers gently over the mark. Gray shuddered. "It feels... strange. But not in a bad way." He reached out and grabbed Natsu's hand, bringing it to his mouth and kissing the knuckles softly. "You're the first person to touch me... since..."

Natsu leaned forward to kiss Gray once more. After a moment, Gray tipped their foreheads together, and they breathed for a moment, hands feeling each other's heartbeats through their skin.

"As much as I would love to continue ravaging you," Gray murmured, "my niece is next door." Natsu laughed, pressing a kiss to the tip of Gray's nose. There was a comfortable silence for a moment, then Gray winced, dropping down onto his stomach.

"Can I help?" Natsu asked. He shifted until he was curled up against Gray, and tugged the blanket up over their legs. The bedside lamp was on, and Natsu could see the scars across Gray's back more clearly now. He traced a finger down one of the messy lines. Gray shivered, but kept his head rested on his arms as Natsu gently touched his scars.

"My therapist says the pain is partly psychosomatic," Gray said quietly. "That I'm holding onto it because of how angry I am."

"Does that mean I get to call you Watson?" Natsu joked, and was glad when Gray laughed softly. "Do you think she's right?"

Gray sighed, and was quiet for a moment.

"Lyon shot me twice in the shoulder," he said eventually. Natsu wasn't sure if he was ignoring the question, or answering around it. "My scapula was shattered in three places. They had to do surgery on it a few times, but had to wait until the soft tissue was healed first. That's the big lines, from the surgery." Natsu traced the edge of one of them with his finger. "There were bone fragments everywhere, I guess, so they had to go clean those out. I don't remember much. I was pretty drugged up for the first bit."

Natsu made a soft sound but didn't say anything. He wasn't sure what he could say. Now that he was closer, he could see that it wasn't really a spiderweb after all, but several large, oddly-shaped scars from where the bullets had left Gray's body.

"I guess I was super unlucky because in addition to that there was 'significant nerve damage,'" Gray continued, making quotation marks with his fingers. "I started physio back in... March, I think? It's awful. I hate it. Trying so hard to just squeeze a stupid ball and _willing_ my fucking hand to work and it just _wouldn't_ and then the pain would come like someone was putting a hot iron on my shoulder or something. It hurt so fucking bad."

"Jesus," Natsu whispered, continuing to run his fingers over the damaged parts of Gray's skin. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that."

"I still do," Gray mumbled, burying his head in his arms. "I mean, it's not as bad anymore. I can use my arm most of the time. But I still go physio every couple weeks, and see a neurologist. I take those meds for the pain." He sighed. "The one down there wasn't as bad. It didn't really go through." He gestured to the scar on the edge of his stomach.

"I'm sorry," Natsu said again, not knowing what else to say. He wished he could shoulder some of the pain and frustration for Gray.

"Ultear says I died in the ambulance," Gray said quietly. Natsu recalled his bizarre dream from the hospital, looking at the stars with someone who wasn't Gray. "I don't remember it. I just remember... he pulled out the gun..." Gray faltered, and Natsu spread a hand out over his lower back comfortingly. "And it just hurt so badly, and then I woke up in the hospital. Ultear says that Lyon was the one who called 9-1-1. And... he turned himself in. I don't know why."

"Did you have to, like, go to court and... testify or something?" Natsu asked. Gray shook his head.

"He plead guilty. And it wasn't his first offense." Gray sighed again. "He'd been arrested for assault with a weapon and drug possession before. This was his first attempted murder though." Gray's voice was sharp and sarcastic.

"I wish I could make it better," Natsu whispered, and Gray turned to look at him, smiling softly.

"You already have," he murmured, cheeks dusted pink. "I was so sad, and so angry, and felt so alone for so long. I know I have Ultear and everyone, but..." Natsu could hear Gray's voice becoming rough. "I still am. Angry, I mean. And sad, sometimes." Gray took a shaky breath.

"But you're not alone," Natsu said, leaning down and pressing a kiss to the center of one of the scars. Gray's breath hitched, and then he was crying again, covering his face with his hands. "Gray, hey, it's okay," Natsu said softly. He lay down on his side and pulled Gray towards him until his chin rested on Gray's head. Gray buried his face in Natsu's chest.

"I'm sorry," Gray whispered. "'m such a fuckin' mess." Natsu shook his head. He had a feeling that Gray hadn't grieved yet, had been keeping this all buried under layers of anger and sharpness and pushing people away. Natsu was almost certain that today was the first time Gray had let himself cry about this.

"It's okay," Natsu murmured, stroking Gray's hair. "I can take it." He wrapped his arms tightly around Gray's trembling shoulders and continued to whisper in his ear. "Let it out... you're safe... I've got you."

After several minutes, Gray's quiet sobs faded away, and he pulled back from Natsu, rubbing his eyes and looking flustered. Natsu brushed Gray's hair out of his eyes, smiling gently.

"What were you saying to me earlier?" he asked, trying to distract Gray. It worked perfectly, if the flush on Gray's cheeks was anything to go by.

"Uh, I..." Gray chewed on his lip. Natsu raised an eyebrow.

"I mean, you can tell me anything you want and I'd have to believe it," Natsu said, then grinned. "Until I ask Ultear tomorrow what _'criss, t'es incroyable'_ means." Gray's face immediately flushed red, and he looked up at Natsu in amazement.

"How did you..."

"When you whisper something that seductively in my ear, it's hard to forget," Natsu reasoned. He laid back on the pillow and reached his arm out, pulling Gray down lay on his chest. Gray draped his arm over Natsu's stomach, then tangled their legs together until they were both snug under the blanket.

"It means 'damn, you're incredible,'" Gray murmured after a moment. Natsu reached over and flicked off the light, sighing at the comfortable weight around him.

"Mmm, well, the feeling is mutual," he said softly. "When we get home..." His voice trailed off, suddenly feeling uncertain about calling Gray's apartment _home_. Even if they had this... thing between them now, would that mean he could stay, after his birthday?

"I'm looking forward to it," Gray mumbled, interrupting Natsu's train of thought. "And I'm totally eating all your cinnamon buns tomorrow."

* * *

"Uncle Gray! Na'su! _Joyeaux Noël_ _!"_

Natsu groaned as he felt a weight on his legs, and opened his eyes blearily to see Sylvie sitting there, practically thrumming with excitement. Gray was still draped across his chest, seemingly unfazed by the interruption, and they were both still shirtless.

"G'morning, Miss Sylvie," Natsu said softly, nudging Gray to wake up. "We'll be right out, okay?" Sylvie leaped off the bed and ran out the door, leaving it wide open. "Wake up, Snowflake." Natsu gently pushed Gray off of him, then sat up and yawned.

"Wha's time?" Gray asked sleepily, squinting at the clock across the room. Natsu leaned over to the bedside table and passed Gray his glasses.

"Seven-thirty," he replied, grinning as Gray sat up slowly and pushed his glasses up his nose. "Merry Christmas, you dork." Gray grumbled something unintelligible, but didn't argue when Natsu kissed him. "Sylvie's practically going to explode, we'd better get up."

Christmas morning with Gray's family turned out to be exactly everything Natsu had ever wanted. Xavier had, indeed, baked enough cinnamon buns to feed a small village, so both Natsu and Gray had plenty – even if Gray kept stealing the raisins off Natsu's plate. Sylvie was a whirlwind of excitement, bringing everyone their stockings and then plopping herself into Natsu's lap like she belonged there.

"Elsa a Jedi," she said solemnly, showing Natsu the two dolls in her lap. The one on the left was well-loved, with a makeshift lightsaber taped to its hand. The one on the right was clearly a recently-opened gift.

"Elsa would be a great Jedi," Natsu replied, keeping his face serious. He could see Gray smiling at him out of the corner of his eye, and he reached over, resting his fingers across Gray's under the piles of wrapping paper. When he realized that Ultear and Xavier had gone back to the kitchen to get coffee, he leaned over and pressed a quick kiss to Gray's cheek. He wasn't sure yet how Gray felt about his family knowing about them.

"This one Rey," Sylvie continued, pointing to the new doll. "Her fight _mechants_ _."_

"Bad guys," Gray translated when Natsu looked at him, puzzled.

"Does she fight Kylo Ren?" Natsu asked, and Sylvie bounced on his lap.

"Yeah! Elsa do _pzzzzzzzct-_ _"_ here she did an excellent imitation of someone shooting lightning from their hands "-an' Rey do _bonk bonk bonk_ _."_ She swung the doll in the air to emphasize her point and Natsu laughed out loud. Then Sylvie turned to Natsu and looked at him seriously. "Uncle Gray sing Frozen."

"Oh, he does, does he?" Natsu replied, tone light and teasing. Gray groaned, and Natsu turned to see Gray covering his face in embarrassment.

" _Il est temps d'appeler grand-maman et grand-papa!_ " Ultear's voice cut through Gray's chagrin, and she set down a laptop on the table as Xavier passed Gray and Natsu their coffee. Sylvie scooted forward, and Gray leaned over to Natsu and nudged him.

"My grandparents don't speak much English, sorry," he whispered in Natsu's ear. "I'll translate for you." Natsu nodded, feeling incredibly nervous all of a sudden.

 _"Bonjour!"_ An elderly couple with graying hair popped up on the screen, along with a stern-looking woman in her mid-forties that Natsu immediately recognized as Ophélie, Gray's aunt and CEO of Tempête. _"Joyeaux Noël!"_

Sylvie and Renaud immediately started showing off their presents, so it wasn't until a minute or so later that Natsu and Gray were finally able to say hello.

 _"Allo, Joyeaux Noël!"_ Gray said, smiling, then gestured to Natsu. _"Voici mon-"_ Suddenly Sylvie's tiny voice interrupted him.

 _"Natsu Gray chum!"_ she declared, and Gray froze. Natsu looked over at him, puzzled.

"Um," was Gray's only response.

 _"Il donné un bec,"_ Sylvie added, and Gray groaned.

"What's going on?" Natsu whispered, tugging on Gray's sleeve. Gray hesitated for a second, and Natsu realized that everyone was now staring at them.

 _"Chum_ means, um, boyfriend," Gray explained quietly, cheeks pink. "She's... I don't even know where she learned that word. Apparently, she saw us kissing." Natsu flushed for a moment too, then reached over and grabbed Gray's hand.

"I'm okay being out if you are," Natsu said, and Gray looked up at him, uncertain. "Do we have to make it official before we tell people?" Gray snorted, and Natsu squeezed his hand. "Gray, do you want to be my boyfriend?"

"You know I do, you idiot," Gray replied fondly, then turned back to his grandparents. " _Oui, c'est mon chum, Natsu._ " Natsu could see Ultear smiling softly at Gray. Gray's grand-papa looked confused for a moment, then shrugged and nodded his head.

" _Je savais pas qu't'étais gai_ ," he said cheerfully, then waved at Natsu, who waved back hesitantly. " _Il ne parle pas français_?" Gray shook his head. "Welcome, Natsu!" Gray's grand-papa's English was heavily accented. "Merry Christmas! I'm sure you make Gray very happy. Be good to him."

"I will," Natsu said quietly, feeling his face flush bright red. Gray squeezed Natsu's hand, and when Natsu turned to look at him, Gray leaned in and kissed him. Just once, soft and gentle, but enough to make Natsu feel like everything important in the world belonged to him.

* * *

 **French Translations**  
Criss, t'es incroyable = Damn, you're amazing  
Joyeaux Noël = Merry Christmas  
Il est temps d'appeler grandmaman et grandpapa = It's time to call grandma and grandpa  
Voici mon... = This is my...  
Natsu Gray chum = Natsu Gray boyfriend (toddler speak)  
Il donné un bec = He gave a kiss  
Oui, c'est mon chum, Natsu = Yes, this is my boyfriend, Natsu  
Je savais pas qu't'étais gai = I didn't know you were gay  
Il ne parle pas français? = He doesn't speak French?


	23. chapter 23

_you grab my hand without any warning  
_ _i'm on the edge, you pull me away  
_ \- sheppard, "keep me crazy"

"I have something for you," Gray said once grand-maman and grand-papa had turned their attention back to the kids. He shuffled over to the Christmas tree and pulled out a small, neatly wrapped package. "The wrapping paper was Sylvie's idea."

The paper was decorated with Disney princesses in Santa outfits, and Natsu snorted. Gray swallowed nervously as Natsu slid his finger under the tape and tore the paper apart.

"Oh." Natsu breathed the word out reverently as he ran his fingers over the soft leather sketchbook in his lap. Gray thought that the dragon on the front was even more impressive under real light, rather than the dim light of the shop – its scales were red and iridescent, and its claws wrapped around the binding.

"I, um, you said you liked dragons," Gray mumbled, suddenly shy. Natsu looked up at him with a huge smile on his face and pulled Gray into a tight hug.

"It's amazing," Natsu said, leaning back and running his fingers over the cover again. "I love it, thank you." Gray smiled, pushing his glasses back up onto his nose. "You are fucking adorable in those, by the way," Natsu whispered, and Gray blushed, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. "I have something for you too," Natsu added, "but I dunno if you wanna open it here. Or later? It's kinda... personal."

"They'll be busy for a bit longer," Gray replied, curious, and Natsu hopped to his feet and reached out a hand. They made their way back to the guest bedroom, and Natsu reached for his bag, pulling out his old sketchbook.

"It's not fancy, or anything," he said softly as he turned to Gray and handed him the book, flipped open to a full-page sketch. "And I had to use the picture on your fridge for a reference, and I found the other photo in your room so I'm really sorry if I wasn't supposed to do that, but I thought… and I just realized that I've read Harry Potter but maybe you haven't so you might not have any ide— Gray, are you okay?"

Gray sat down hard on the edge of the bed, staring at the page and feeling slightly out of breath. It was a sketch of him from behind, staring into a giant mirror that Gray definitely recognized from Harry Potter. In the mirror was his reflection, looking happier than Gray had felt in a long time. Behind his right shoulder in the mirror were his maman and papa, and on the left was his mom.

Gray's chest clenched in a mix of joy and grief. Papa had his hand on Gray's shoulder and was gazing at him fondly. Maman was standing in front of papa, her hand on top of Gray's head, and he could almost _feel_ her ruffling his hair like she used to. Mom was smiling at him, and Natsu had somehow managed to perfectly capture her stern-yet-kind expression.

"I'm sorry." Gray looked down to see Natsu crouched in front of him, his expression a mix of concern and embarrassment.

"Natsu, this is…" Gray looked down at the sketch again and felt his heart swell with affection. "I can't even… you…" He realized that he was crying and took his glasses off, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. "You're amazing. This is, hands-down, the best gift I've ever received. Ever."

"Really?" Natsu asked. He looked shy now, and Gray reached out to touch his cheek.

"It's perfect," Gray reassured him. "I want to frame it and hang it up in the apartment." Natsu's face flushed red, and Gray leaned forward to kiss his forehead. "C'mere, you." Gray stood up, setting the sketchbook on the bed and tugging Natsu into his arms for a kiss.

"I'm glad you like it," Natsu murmured against Gray's lips. "Merry Christmas." Gray planted one last kiss on the corner of Natsu's mouth, then leaned back and smiled.

"Can I show Ultear?" he asked. Natsu looked flustered, but nodded. "Thank you so much. For everything. Not just this."

"What do you mean?" Natsu leaned back and looked at Gray quizzically. "If anyone should be thanking someone, it should be me. You _literally_ saved my life last week." Gray laughed, then kissed Natsu's nose.

"I'm going to be stupidly sentimental right now," Gray admitted, moving a hand up to cup Natsu's cheek. "You make me happier than I have been in a long, _long_ time. Not just since everything with Lyon, but…" he sighed. "I feel like I've just been… angry and bitter for a long time. And you don't make that go _away_ , but it's… better." Gray ran his fingers through Natsu's hair and smiled fondly at him.

"That smile…" Natsu breathed. "First time I met you, you told me to fuck off." Gray snorted. "And now you're looking at me like… I don't even know."

"I'm sorry I told you to fuck off," Gray murmured, leaning in to kiss Natsu again. He rested his hand in the hollow of Natsu's back and pulled him closer. "Being an asshole is my favorite defense mechanism." Natsu, then tipped his head, running his tongue over Gray's lower lip.

"I know," Natsu whispered, trailing his hand down to rest on Gray's ass and pulling their hips together. Gray gasped into his mouth, and Natsu nipped at his lower lip. "Everyone is probably wondering what we're up to." Gray groaned softly in protest as Natsu broke the kiss. "Let's go back to your family. But we're coming back to this when we get h…"

"Home," Gray finished for him, seeing the hesitation on his face. "When we get home."

* * *

They ended up spending almost all day with Gray's family. Most of the morning was spent playing with Sylvie and Renaud, and after a while Ultear turned on a movie for the kids so the grown-ups could play board games. Gray had quietly vetoed Scrabble before Ultear could suggest it, so they'd ended up playing a bizarre new game that Gray had never heard of called "Exploding Kittens".

Around suppertime, Gray could see that Natsu was beginning to flag – he leaned heavily against Gray's shoulder and accepted the offered painkillers without arguing. Ultear smiled softly at them, then headed to the kitchen to pack up leftovers.

"...makes me happy too," Gray heard Natsu say as he left the washroom and headed for the front door.

"I have not seen him smile like that in years," Ultear said softly, and Gray saw her wrap her arms around Natsu's shoulders as he rounded the corner. "He looks at you like you are the stars. Take care of him, okay?"

"I will." Natsu locked eyes with Gray over Ultear's shoulder and flashed him a soft smile.

Natsu fell asleep in the car on the way home, fingers twined with Gray's and soft snores escaping his mouth. When he pulled into his parking spot, Gray nudged Natsu.

"C'mon, you," he murmured as Natsu began to stir. "I can't carry you _and_ all this stuff." Gray gestured to the back seat, which was full of gifts and leftover food. Natsu yawned and made a soft sound of agreement, clambering lazily out of the car and helping Gray carry everything upstairs.

"Hey, Happy," he mumbled as Happy rubbed himself around Natsu's ankles. Natsu scooped him up and Gray could hear the pleased rumble from Happy's throat.

"I'm gonna go put the food away," Gray said, kicking off his shoes and pressing a quick kiss to Natsu's cheek. "Go back to sleep if you want." Natsu yawned in response.

Gray was almost done putting everything away when he felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist, hands coming to rest on his stomach. Natsu pressed a kiss to the back of Gray's neck and he shivered.

"Thought you were tired," Gray murmured, making soft sounds as Natsu continued to kiss up his neck.

"Mmmmmnot _that_ tired," Natsu whispered against Gray's skin. Gray wriggled around until he was facing Natsu, then backed him up against the counter and pulled him in for a kiss. Natsu hummed against Gray's lips, and Gray reached up a hand and threaded it through Natsu's hair, nipping at his lower lip.

Gray ran his fingers around the hem of Natsu's shirt, and Natsu lifted his arms, letting Gray tug the garment over his head and throw it to the floor. Gray's sweater followed it, a pang of hesitation ran through him as he stood in front of Natsu, shirtless. Natsu drifted his fingers over Gray's chest gently, tracing the outline of his scars, then his hands came to rest on Gray's waist. The feeling evaporated, replaced entirely by desire.

"You're gorgeous," Gray whispered as he kissed Natsu again, tilting his head and placing his hands on either side of Natsu's face. Natsu began to make soft sounds into Gray's mouth, tugging Gray's hips into him. "That's probably not very comfortable," Gray said softly, looking at the corner of the counter pressing into Natsu's back.

"'s fi—hey!" Natsu made an indignant noise as lifted him easily onto the counter, pushing his legs apart and situating himself between them. "Okay, the fact that you can do that is super hot."

Gray grinned, pressing his lips to Natsu's collarbone. When he reached the hollow of Natsu's throat, he drew his tongue over it in soft circles, loving every sound that escaped Natsu's lips.

"Okay?" Gray asked, running his hand down Natsu's side and resting it on his hip. Natsu moaned and threaded his fingers through Gray's hair as Gray continued his trail of kisses down Natsu's chest. He reached Natsu's jeans, noting that he was _clearly_ enjoying this, then stood up again and kissed Natsu gently. "Have you... I mean, is this..." Gray felt his cheeks flush.

"My first time?" Natsu guessed, combing his fingers through Gray's hair. "Yes and no. I've done some stuff before. Not all of it." Gray nodded. "You?"

"I've..." Gray chewed his lip, feeling embarrassed. He had done this before. It had always been hard and fast, teeth clashing and hands scrambling at belts, breath thick with alcohol, in the back room of a shitty house party or in the back seat of some guy's car. "Not with anyone that matters," he said, hoping that Natsu understood. "I've never wanted it like this."

The last part was breathed in Natsu's ear as Gray leaned forward, biting down softly on his earlobe.

 _"Nnnghhh_ the feeling is mutual," Natsu moaned, tipping his head so that Gray could run his tongue over the soft spot behind his ear. Gray dragged his teeth down the side of Natsu's neck, then sunk them into the soft flesh near his collarbone. "Ffffffuuu..." Natsu's hand in his hair tightened, other hand on Gray's hip, encouraging him to rock forward.

"Just tell me if it's too much." Gray's hand trailed down over Natsu's chest again, resting on the very obvious bulge in his jeans. "I'm sure you know this already, but 'no' is an option literally any time." Natsu growled softly and bucked up into Gray's hand.

 _"Yes,"_ he breathed, and Gray moved up to kiss him, rubbing his thumb over Natsu's jeans.

"Wanna move somewhere more comfortable?" Gray murmured, and Natsu nodded. "Hold on." He motioned for Natsu to put his arms around his neck, then slid his hands under Natsu's thighs and lifted him up. Natsu made a soft sound of surprise, but leaned down and kissed Gray's neck as he made his way to the bedroom.

"You're strong," Natsu said, grinning as Gray leaned over the bed and lay Natsu gently on the blankets. Gray blushed at the praise, then moved his hands back down, fiddling with the button on Natsu's pants. Natsu's hands scrambled to do the same to Gray, and soon they found themselves both naked, Gray leaning over Natsu and breathing heavily.

"Your ass is even better without the tight pants," Natsu groaned, sliding his hands down and pulling Gray tightly against him. "Oh, wow." Gray shuddered at the feeling of skin on skin, then let out a surprised yelp as Natsu flipped him over. Natsu leaned down and pressed a kiss to the center of Gray's chest, nuzzling the spot and then continuing to press kisses downward.

"Ah... mmmn, Natsu, _tabarnak_ ," Gray moaned, keeping one hand in Natsu's hair and fisting the other in the sheets. "Fuck- are you su-"

"Shhh," Natsu whispered, and Gray threw his head back as Natsu's lips closed over his cock.

"Ah, _câlice_ _,"_ Gray swore, trying his best not to thrust his hips upward. He was glad they were at home and _not_ at his sister's, because the noises he was making were not something he wanted anyone else to hear. How the hell was Natsu so good at this? The heat, and the wetness, and whatever he was doing with his tongue was… wow.

Natsu hummed, and Gray groaned, tightening his fingers in Natsu's hair. It had been a while since he'd been with anyone, and everywhere Natsu touched him felt electric. It didn't take long for Gray to feel the beginnings of release pool deep in his stomach.

"W-wait," Gray gasped. "N-not yet."

Natsu drew off Gray and pressed a kiss to his thigh, then dragged his tongue up to Gray's hipbone where he nipped lightly. Gray shivered, tugging Natsu's hair to encourage him upwards. Gray kissed him deeply, pulling Natsu tight and rocking against him. Both boys groaned as Gray reached between them, taking both their cocks in his hand and stroking them.

"Ahh, fuck," Natsu whined, bucking up into Gray's hand. They rocked together, panting and moaning and kissing each other desperately. Natsu's hands were everywhere – in Gray's hair, digging red marks down his side, gripping his ass.

"Gray," Natsu breathed, digging his fingers into Gray's bicep. "I w-want…" Natsu sounded shy, suddenly, and Gray removed his hand, reaching up to run his thumb over Natsu's cheekbone.

"What?"

"Which... what w-way..." Natsu dropped his head to Gray's chest and huffed in frustration.

"I've only ever been on top," Gray replied, pulling the meaning from Natsu's fragmented question. "But I'm open to anything." Natsu shivered as Gray ran a finger down his spine. "Do you want to do that now?" Gray was trying hard to keep his voice steady.

"Yeah," Nastu whispered, arching his back under Gray's fingers. "I think so. And you... on top, that's... good." Gray could almost feel the heat from Natsu's cheeks, and he lifted himself up on one elbow, tipping Natsu's chin up to kiss him.

"If you're not sure, we don't have to," he murmured, but Natsu shook his head.

"I'm sure," he insisted. "I've been... wanting you. And I want all of you." Gray smiled, deepening the kiss again and rolling himself back on top of Natsu.

"I can make that happen."

* * *

They lay together afterwards, ankles tangled together, Natsu drawing lazy circles on Gray's chest. Gray sighed contentedly, pulling Natsu tighter to him and kissing the top of his head.

"This is definitely not what I expected to get out of the group," he murmured, thinking back to his argument with Ultear about attending.

 _"I don't need more fucking therapy," he hissed, keeping his voice low enough to not wake the kids. "I go every week and it doesn't do a damn thing." They stood in the front entrance of her home after his weekly dinner with them._

 _"But with this you can finally finish school," she insisted. "And do the programming course. Plus, it will be good for you to meet other people your age. They are going through difficult things as well."_

 _Gray rolled his eyes – he could barely handle his own bullshit, never mind somebody else's. He scowled and crossed his arms over his chest._

 _"I just want..."_

 _"What, Gray?" Ultear's voice was becoming exasperated. She never got angry, but frustration was seeping into her words. "What do you want? I cannot help you anymore. You throw everything back in my face. All you feel is anger and you won't allow yourself any happiness."_

 _"I'm happy with Sylvie," Gray countered, feeling defensive anger welling up in his chest._

 _"She is not responsible for your happiness," Ultear said sharply, and Gray recoiled as if he'd been slapped. "Sylvie loves you dearly, but even she knows that you are not okay. 'Uncle Gray sad,' she says, and it breaks my heart." Ultear was beginning to cry now, and Gray felt the anger in his chest melt into shame._

 _"I'm sorry," he whispered, reaching out and pulling Ultear into a hug. "I'll do it. For you and for her." Ultear shook her head._

 _"No, baby brother," she replied. "You must do it for you."_

"Me either," Natsu replied, snapping Gray back to present day. "I'm really glad I met you."

"Me too," Gray said softly, tugging the blankets closer around them and enjoying the comfortable weight of Natsu's body draped across his chest.

A buzzing phone interrupted their cuddling, and Gray sighed, reaching over to the bedside table.

"Since when does Cana text you?" Natsu asked, peering at the screen. It turned out to be a group message to everyone from the program.

 **Cana:** _So I don't wanna fuck up and get drunk on New Year's Eve. Anyone have plans that don't involve alcohol?_

Gray looked down to Natsu and shrugged. They hadn't really talked about it – there were always fireworks downtown, but Gray hadn't been to them since he was a kid. Before he could reply, another message popped up.

 **Laxus** : _I don't have plans but we can get together at my place and play board games?_

"Laxus plays board games?" Natsu sounded incredulous. "I'm surprised he didn't suggest like, a fight club or something."

"We don't talk about fight club," Gray responded idly, reading the continuing thread.

 **Gajeel:** _I would but I gotta babysit brother and his bf._

 **Laxus:** _Bring them, it's fine. My gramps has a big place and he's pretty cool about me having friends over. Bring whoever you want._

 **Cana:** _Thanks dude, sounds awesome._

"Wanna go?" Natsu looked up at Gray, who was hesitating. Crowds of people weren't really his thing, and while he could deal with jam sessions after group, he wasn't sure he was up to seeing them all – plus whoever they brought – at the same time. "We can leave whenever, if it gets to be too much." Gray looked down at Natsu's pleading face and sighed.

"All right," Gray grumbled, mostly faking his reluctance. He thumbed off a message to the group.

 **Gray** : _Natsu and I will be there._

Then he threw his phone back onto the bedside table and turned to Natsu, pinning him to the bed and smiling.

"Ready to try that again?"


	24. chapter 24

_TW for descriptions of child abuse & homophobic language_

* * *

 _when life leaves you high and dry  
_ _i'll be at your door tonight if you need help  
_ \- phillip phillips; gone, gone, gone

A faint conversation drifted through Natsu's brain, chasing sleep away and settling into his consciousness. He sighed, rubbing his eyes and sitting up slowly.

"... just having a nap, would you like something to drink?" Gray said from the kitchen.

Natsu frowned, but when he heard Richelle's voice saying that she would _love a cup of tea, thank you very much,_ his heart sank. He burrowed into the corner of the couch and wrapped the blanket around himself, listening to Gray turn on the kettle and rummage through the pantry for the honey.

Richelle was hoping that she could represent Natsu at Don's trial. She couldn't guarantee that Natsu wouldn't be asked to go to court eventually, but he had agreed to talk to her about the situation, rather than a judge.

Gray walked into the living room and leaned over Natsu, pressing a quick kiss to the top of his head. Natsu grumbled in response.

"I know," Gray said softly. He pulled out two coasters and set them on the coffee table, then perched on the arm of the couch next to Natsu. "You want a coffee?" Natsu shook his head, rubbing his face with the heel of his palm.

"Natsu, how are you feeling?" Richelle stepped into the living room, dressed smartly in a dark wool skirt and a cream-colored blouse. Natsu could see a line of neat stitches peeking out from under her bangs, and he winced.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, and Gray shook his head.

"We talked about this, remember?" he said gently, slipping down on the couch to sit next to Natsu. Natsu didn't respond. "Do you want me to stay with you or go away for a bit?"

Natsu hesitated for a minute, picking at loose threads in the blanket and chewing on his lip. Gray had already seen the worst of him, but Natsu had never talked to anyone about this before.

"Stay," he decided, and Richelle nodded at Gray to indicate that it was all right with her as well. She settled into the chair across from the couch, pulling out a notebook and setting it on the table. Happy jumped up onto Natsu's lap, headbutting his chin and then curling into a ball, purring loudly. Natsu tried to let the vibrations calm him.

"First of all, I want to ask how you've been doing since the hospital." Richelle's voice was kind. It was always kind, and Natsu had always wanted to make her happy. He felt miserable, like he'd failed her somehow. "Did you have a good Christmas?"

"Y-yeah," Natsu said softly. "We stayed with Gray's sister. His family's really nice." He knew that wasn't adequate praise for how he'd been welcomed over the holiday, but he just couldn't bring himself to say any more on the subject. His skin felt too tight, and he just wanted to go back to sleep.

"I'm glad to hear that," Richelle said, smiling at him and taking a sip of her tea. "And how have you been feeling mentally? Emotionally? Do you know when your next appointment is?"

Natsu glanced over at Gray, then looked up at the calendar on the wall. It was too far away for him to see, but Gray answered for him.

"We're going to get your stitches out this afternoon," he said, "and you have an appointment with the new psychiatrist on Monday after group." Natsu nodded. "And you've been taking all your new meds."

"It sounds like Gray has been a great support for you," Richelle said. "How's your mood?"

"Mostly okay, except today," Natsu admitted, chewing his thumbnail. "'m just nervous." He shuffled until his knee was resting on Gray's thigh, feeling calmed somewhat by Gray's presence.

"That's understandable," Richelle said gently. "Why don't we get the hard stuff out of the way and then we can talk about your plans for the future?" Natsu tensed a little at that, but nodded. Richelle picked up her notebook again and rested it on her knees, giving Natsu a fond gaze. "As you know, Don was arrested last week for assaulting myself and a police officer. He is also facing charges of abuse." Natsu nodded stiffly. "I have some documentation of times that the school contacted me about their concerns, but I'd like you to tell me about it. When was the first time that Don harmed you physically?"

"Um, a... a few months after Sandy died," Natsu said quietly. He kept his gaze trained on his lap, trying to match his breathing to Gray's. _In... out. In... out._ "He was never really nice, even before. He didn't want me there. But after she died, he was always angry."

"Can you tell me what happened?" Richelle asked. He could see her scribbling on her notepad and it made his stomach clench. Once summoned, the memory was so visceral.

 _He had just finished washing the dishes and set the last plate on the counter, but the towel bunched up and the plate slid to the floor, shattering into several pieces. Natsu's heart sank and he dropped to his knees, praying that the crash wasn't heard over the television. Natsu swept the broken ceramic into his hands, wincing as it sliced into one of his fingers._

 _"What the hell did you do?" Don shouted, storming into the kitchen. Natsu's throat tightened as he stood slowly, cradling the broken pieces in his hands and keeping his gaze on the floor. "So fuckin' useless you can't even do the dishes right."_

 _"I'm sorry," Natsu whispered, hands trembling so hard that he dropped one of the larger pieces again. Don snarled, and before Natsu could see his hand moving, Don's knuckles had slammed into his cheek. Natsu cried out in surprise and pain, and again when the motion was repeated across the other side of his face._

 _"If it happens again, you'll be getting a closed fist instead of the back of my hand," Don growled, then stormed away into the living room._

"It's okay," Gray whispered, reaching out and resting his hand on Natsu's knee. "You're safe now." Natsu sniffed, grabbing Gray's hand and letting it anchor him to the present.

"The school contacted me about that incident," Richelle said softly. "Do you remember taking these pictures?" Natsu's shoulders tensed as she lay two photos on the table. He looked so young, only fifteen, and his hair had been brown at the time. Two sets of angry red welts decorated his cheeks. Natsu heard Gray's sharp intake of breath.

"Yeah," Natsu said quietly.

"You told me that you got into a fight at school," she said, looking at her notebook. Natsu nodded. "Can you tell me why you said that?" He chewed his lip, feeling his cheeks flush.

"I was tired of moving," he whispered after a moment. "They're all the same. Moving me somewhere else wouldn't have made a difference. It was only a couple more years." Gray gripped his hand tighter, and Natsu knew that his expression was heartbroken.

"I understand." Richelle scribbled something in her notebook. "And how often did Don harm you physically, or threaten you verbally, after that incident?" Natsu blinked at Richelle's question. "Daily, weekly, monthly..."

"A-at first it w-wasn't as often," he said after a minute. "Maybe every f-few months? But then the last y-year was... more. I didn't stay there all the time, I... I didn't wanna be there." Natsu took a deep breath. "I was s-scared of him." Gray moved his hand to Natsu's lower back and began tracing circles there.

"What changed?" Richelle asked, concerned. "What made it more frequent?" Natsu felt his face and neck grow warm, and his vision started to blur.

 _"Get the fuck out of my goddamn house!" Natsu felt hot tears streaming down his face as Don shoved Eli out the front door. Don slammed the door so hard that Natsu was surprised it didn't crack the frame, then turned to Natsu with a murderous look in his eye._

 _Even though he was prepared for it, Natsu staggered back under the weight of Don's blow to his raised arms. He'd long ago stopped hitting Natsu's face, knowing it was easier to hide bruises where he already hid his scars. Natsu stumbled backward into the wall, and Don grabbed onto his wrist, twisting it awkwardly until Natsu was begging for him to stop. He wrapped his other hand around Natsu's throat._

 _"P-please, I'm s-sorry."_

 _"If I **ever** catch you with a boy again, you will be wishing for this punishment instead of what I'll do to you." Don's breath was hot next to his ear, and Natsu tried to pull away. "You will not bring that kind of sin into this house." Don yanked on Natsu's wrist again, squeezing so tightly that Natsu knew there would be a handprint-shaped bruise there the next day. _

_"I'm sorry," he sobbed as Don slammed him back against the wall again. He hadn't known it was wrong. Eli was so pretty, and it was just a kiss. Just a kiss and now he felt like he was going to die._

A soft thumb running over his knuckles was the only thing keeping Natsu from running to the washroom to throw up. He kept his eyes focused on the intricate paisley pattern of the blanket so that he didn't have to see the pity in Gray or Richelle's eyes.

The rest of the half-hour went by slowly and painfully. Richelle needed to document as much as possible, which meant going over every painful memory. The cigarette burns on Natsu's wrist. The broken finger. The concussions. Bruise after bruise after bruise.

Richelle finally packed up her notebook and tucked it into her purse. Then she moved over to the couch and crouched down in front of Natsu, trying to catch his gaze.

"I am so sorry, Natsu," she whispered, placing a hand on his knee. "I wish that I could have helped sooner. People like Don make it so difficult to prove that something bad is happening." Natsu nodded miserably, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "Do you feel safe and happy here?"

"Yes," he replied quickly, looking up at her with pleading eyes. "Please don't make me leave." She smiled at him softly.

"Nobody is going to make you leave," she replied, standing up and straightening her skirt. "We can save our future plans discussion for another day, I think you need a nice, relaxing afternoon. Gray, thank you for being here and for everything you've done for Natsu. I can show myself out, and I'll contact you if I need anything else."

"Thank you," Gray replied, turning to Natsu as Richelle left the room. "C'mere, you." He wrapped an arm around Natsu's shoulder and pulled him close. "I'm so sorry." Natsu pressed his forehead against Gray's chest, feeling tears slipping down his cheeks.

"I th-thought I w-was okay," Natsu whimpered, feeling Gray's fingers carding gently through his hair. He shivered, and Gray tugged the blanket up around both of them. "A-and now... I j-just... don't... I c-can't..."

"You've been so brave," Gray whispered, kissing the top of Natsu's head. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that alone. I wish I could have found you sooner." Natsu sobbed against Gray's chest, and Gray held him tightly. "I'm sorry."

Natsu curled up tighter, wrapping his arms around himself and feeling the ridges of all the scars on his arms. The ghosts of them ached, and he closed his hand over his wrist, trying to push away the memory of tight fingers and the smell of cigarette smoke.

Gray held Natsu until he'd nearly cried himself to sleep. When Natsu finally sat up, his face was tight and his eyes were swollen, and he felt like a faded version of himself.

"Thank you," Natsu said quietly, looking up at Gray. He was surprised to see tears on Gray's cheeks too, and he reached up uncertainly to wipe them away. "I'm sorry."

"God, no, don't be sorry," Gray said, kissing Natsu's forehead. He took Natsu's hand in his, running his fingers over the small, white scars. "It's not- I just don't understand how someone could…" Gray sighed, bringing Natsu's wrist up and pressing a gentle kiss to each of the marks. "Thinking about him hurting you like that just makes me so fucking angry. You deserve so much better, and I'm sorry I didn't see it sooner."

"'s not your fault," Natsu said softly, resting his head against Gray's shoulder. "You tried, and I didn't… I couldn't…"

"It's okay," Gray said softly, wrapping both arms around Natsu again. "You're safe now. _Je ne laisserai personne te blessé, plus jamais_. I won't let anyone hurt you ever again."

* * *

Richelle had been able to give Natsu some money for new clothing, so after getting his stitches out (which was more gross than traumatizing), Natsu and Gray spent the afternoon at the mall.

Natsu hadn't owned new clothing in... well, ever. Everything he had was either a hand-me-down or from a thrift store, so going shopping for what _he_ wanted to wear was a new experience. Now he stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom, chewing his lip uncertainly.

"Does it- do I look okay?" he asked, walking out into the living room.

Gray had looked up when Natsu had come out of the bathroom, and was now staring with his mouth half-open and a strange expression on his face.

Natsu swallowed, looking down at his outfit. He was wearing a pair of tight, black jeans, with a faded gray tee under an unbuttoned, black collared shirt. He had even popped into the tattoo place and got new plugs for his ears – bright pink, to match his freshly re-dyed hair – and a solid black lip ring to replace the silver one. Gray hadn't even blinked when Natsu had wanted to buy eyeliner, which he now had smudged around the outside of his eyes.

"Um," Gray replied, and Natsu frowned at him. "No, I mean... yes. Good." He ran a hand through his hair, clearly flustered. "You look... incredibly hot." Natsu's cheeks flushed as Gray stepped toward him tentatively. "The eyeliner is... wow." Gray ran a hand down the side of Natsu's face, then snaked his other arm around Natsu's waist and pulled him close.

"You don't look so bad yourself," Natsu said softly, inhaling the soft scent of Gray's shampoo as he pressed his face to Gray's shoulder. Gray's outfit was much more subdued – dark jeans and a forest green cardigan over a black tee. His necklace was tucked under the shirt, and the sleeves of the cardigan were rolled up to reveal a bracelet that Natsu hadn't seen before. "Where's that from?"

Gray hesitated, looking down at his wrist and running his fingers over the piece of jewelry. It looked like a thick piece of dark braided leather, with a silver wolf's head at either end. Both heads were biting a silver ring that completed the bracelet.

"... Lyon gave it to me," Gray said finally, and Natsu looked up at him. "I haven't worn it... and I'm not forgiving him, but I just..."

"You don't have to explain," Natsu said softly, grabbing Gray's hand and squeezing it. Gray gave Natsu a half-smile, then kissed his forehead.

"Shall we?"

* * *

Laxus wasn't kidding – his grandfather's house was _enormous_. Natsu was pretty sure he could fit every foster home he'd ever lived in into _just_ the entryway.

"This is..." Natsu hesitated, stopping on the front porch. Gray frowned at him. "Are you... okay with this?" Natsu gestured to their joined hands. They had been officially together for a week now, but hadn't seen or told any of their friends yet.

"I, uh... yeah?" Gray said. He squeezed Natsu's hand and stepped toward him, wrapping his free hand around Natsu's waist. "I don't think anyone will be weird about it."

Natsu shrugged. "Honestly, if someone was a dick about us dating, it would probably be the least shitty thing that's happened to us in the past two weeks." Gray hummed in agreement, reaching out and ringing the doorbell.

"Happy New Year!" The door was opened by Cana, who was wearing a fancy dress and looked elated. "Coats go in the closet. Natsu, I need to hug you. If that's okay?"

Natsu nodded, and Cana wrapped her arms around him tightly. He could feel her shaking and he felt a flood of guilt.

"I'm sorry," he whispered in her ear, and she shook her head, pulling back and grabbing his shoulders with both hands.

"Mn-nn. No sorry's, we already talked about that." She smiled fondly at him, then squeezed his arms again. "Just... I'm glad you're okay."

"Me too," Natsu said, glancing back at Gray, who was closing the closet door. Cana looked between them suspiciously.

"Are you two—"

"Yeah." Natsu grabbed Gray's hand and threaded their fingers together. Cana grinned.

"Yes! When?"

"Um... Christmas Eve?" Gray replied, looking to Natsu for confirmation. "Or day, maybe? If you wanna be techn—"

"First kiss," Cana clarified, and Natsu could see Gray's puzzlement.

"Christmas Eve," Natsu said, realizing where this was going when Cana yelped happily and then shouted down the hallway.

"Erza! You owe me twenty bucks!"

"You... _bet_ on us?" Gray asked. Cana beckoned for them to follow her down the hallway, laughing at his question.

"Mhmm. I said Christmas Eve, Erza said Christmas Day, and Lucy was gunning for like, I dunno, the day you met." Gray blinked and Natsu laughed. "Laxus didn't wanna play cause he's no fun like that."

They rounded the corner to see Laxus sitting on the couch, giving Cana an unimpressed look.

"Other people's relationships are private," he rumbled, then waved to Natsu and Gray. "Happy New Year." He nudged the person sitting beside him, who turned around and smiled. They had long, green hair that was tucked up in a messy bun, and wore a faded t-shirt that said 'Yes, Homo' in sparkly letters. "This is my partner, Freed. Freed, this is Natsu and Gray. From group."

"Nice to meet you!" Freed waved politely. "I hear you have to deal with my grumpy boyfriend on a daily basis." Laxus grunted but didn't protest.

"It's okay, I have a grumpy boyfriend too," Natsu said, and Freed laughed as Gray half-heartedly elbowed Natsu. "I'm so jealous of your hair – I tried green once and it just turned gray. How do you get it to stay so bright?"

"Oh, Ever – my roommate – helps me re-dye it every couple weeks, it's ridiculous," Freed replied, toying with one of the loose strands of hair that had come out of the bun.

"It looks awesome," Natsu said. He hesitated for a second, taking in Freed's startlingly androgynous features, then added, "Sorry if this is, uh, weird, but… what pronouns do you use?"

"They and them," Freed said, giving Natsu a grateful smile. "You're sweet, thank you for asking. And your hair looks great too, I love the pink."

Freed and Natsu chatted for a few minutes, then Natsu turned and grabbed Gray's hand, looking around the rest of the room. It was cozy, with people draped over the couches and an impressive assortment of snacks spread over the table. Lucy and Erza were at a larger table playing cards, and when Lucy saw them, she bounded over and wrapped them up in a group hug.

"Merry Christmas, you two," she said softly, kissing them both on the cheek. "I'm super happy for you but also – Natsu!" She turned to him, frowning, and he tried his best to look innocent. "Why the heck didn't you say anything?"

"I don't have a new phone yet," he protested, holding his hands up in front of him.

"Your _boyfriend_ does," Lucy grumbled, but she sighed and squeezed Natsu's hand. "I'm just glad you're happy."

"I really, really am," Natsu said softly.

Lucy headed into the kitchen, and Natsu turned to see that Gray had walked away and was talking to Erza. The green of the cardigan looked amazing on him, and Natsu sighed, trying to appreciate how incredibly lucky he was. After a moment he made his way over to Gajeel, who was sprawled on a couch next to two boys who looked quite a bit younger than him.

"You must be Ryos," Natsu said, waving at the boy with long, dark hair. He looked a bit like Gajeel, but Natsu wouldn't have guessed that they were brothers. Gajeel nudged the boy, and he looked up from his phone at Natsu.

"Oh, sorry!" he said. "Yeah, that's me. You're Natsu?" A nod. "Cool, this is my boyfriend, Sting." The blond boy next to Ryos waved shyly as Gajeel rolled his eyes and mouthed, _His name is Eugene,_ and Natsu tried not to laugh. "Gajeel actually thinks you're pretty cool, despite how much of a jerk he is."

"Oi, you know I can ground you, you punk," Gajeel muttered without any venom. Ryos stuck out his tongue at his brother, and Gajeel cuffed him upside the head. Natsu tensed a little – he knew they were joking around, but he was still on edge from the memories Richelle had dredged up that morning.

Cana ended up roping Natsu into playing charades – Gray shook his head vehemently when Natsu beckoned, and ended up watching from the couch with Ryos. Even though Natsu embarrassed himself several times, he felt exhilarated from laughing. He hadn't even realized that he'd rolled up his sleeves until he took a break from the game and headed back to Gray.

"I'm proud of you," Gray murmured into his ear, running a hand over Natsu's forearms. The scar on Natsu's left arm was still pink, despite having the stitches removed, and Natsu flushed as he realized that everyone could see it. "You don't have to be embarrassed. Look at Laxus."

Natsu frowned and glanced over to where Laxus was sitting. He saw Natsu staring and subtly raised up his arm, showing off a thick, white scar that crossed over his wrist. Natsu's eyes widened, and he gave Laxus an understanding nod.

"Countdown!" Cana shouted, glancing over the wall TV where the Times Square ball was ready to drop. "Ten! Nine! Eight!"

"Seven!" shouted Natsu, snuggling back as Gray wrapped his arms around Natsu's waist. "Six! Five!" Gray pressed a kiss to the side of Natsu's neck and he shivered, smile so wide it almost hurt. "Four, three, two... one!"

"Happy New Year!" Freed shouted, raising their glass as everyone cheered and someone threw confetti into the air. Natsu turned around in Gray's arms and wrapped his hands behind Gray's neck.

"You mean so much to me," Natsu whispered, leaning in for a kiss. Gray softened into his embrace, then slowly broke away. Natsu huffed, and Gray laughed quietly, pressing a kiss to Natsu's nose.

 _"Bonne année, mon coeur."_


	25. chapter 25

_you're the best friend that i've ever had  
_ _i've been with you such a long time, you're my sunshine  
_ _and i want you to know that my feelings are true  
_ _i really love you  
_ \- queen, "you're my best friend"

Gray woke up the next morning snuggled up to Natsu's back, arm wrapped tight around Natsu's stomach and face buried in his neck. Gray groaned, feeling the distinctly uncomfortable sensation that came with waking up in yesterday's clothes.

Sitting up slowly, Gray blinked and looked around, realizing that they were still at Laxus' place. That explained the dozen other people spread throughout the room, each in various states of undress. Gray and Natsu were lying on a pull-out couch, with Natsu facing Lucy and holding her hand. Cana was wrapped around Lucy much as Gray had been with Natsu, and had a leg thrown over Lucy's thighs for good measure.

 _Huh,_ Gray thought. _That's new_.

Sting and Ryos had somehow managed to curl up in one recliner without tipping it over, while Gajeel's very pregnant girlfriend Levy was fast asleep in the other.

Gray heard shouting from the next room, so he slipped out of the bed, pressing a kiss to Natsu's cheek. Natsu mumbled something, but didn't wake. Gray made his way to the source of the noise, and found Laxus, Gajeel, and Erza playing MarioKart.

"Morning, Gray!" Erza said cheerfully, and Gray could see she was winning. Gajeel groaned, hands clumsy on the joystick of his controller. Gray shook his head.

"You three didn't sleep at all, did you?"

"I'm not givin' in first!" Gajeel insisted, bumping his shoulder against an equally sleepy Laxus, who merely grunted at him.

The doorbell rang, and Gray could hear a chorus of groans from the sleeping group in the other room.

"Do you mind getting that?" Laxus asked, tipping his head back and looking at Gray. "It's probably Bix and Ever, they said they were gonna come for brunch."

Gray headed down the hallway and opened the front door to see a stack of large boxes overwhelming a tiny woman. Behind her was a tall man with bright blue hair and sunglasses.

"Happy New Year!" the woman shouted. Gray reached out to take the boxes, realizing they were full of donuts. "I'm Ever and this is Bix, where's Laxus? Lazy fuck." The affection in her voice softened the words, and Gray laughed.

"He's playing videogames," Gray replied. "I'm pretty sure he hasn't slept at all." Ever rolled her eyes.

"Sounds like our idiot," she said. "Bix, there's a step here."

Gray realized that Bix's hand was on Ever's elbow, and she was guiding him into the house. "And we have been let into the house by a lovely boy named..."

"Uh... Gray." Gray felt self-conscious, suddenly. "I'm assuming you know your way around?" Ever nodded, kicking off her shoes. "I'd offer to take your jacket, but…" He gestured at the donuts.

"Ooh, and he's a gentleman too!" Ever said. Bix snorted, pulling off his sunglasses and tucking them in his pocket. He looked in Gray's general direction and smiled.

"Don't take it personally," he said, "she flirts with anything that moves." Bix reached out his hand and Gray maneuvered the boxes into one arm so he could shake it.

"Unless you _want_ to take it personally," Ever interjected. Gray laughed.

"Already taken, sorry," he replied, then shifted the boxes. "I'm gonna take these to the kitchen. Honestly, almost everyone is still asleep. What time is it anyway?" Bix reached down to his wrist and ran his fingertips over his watch.

"Quarter to eleven," he replied. "We'd better get started on brunch!

* * *

It turned out that Freed had already started on brunch, and was doing an impressive job of multitasking in the kitchen. They had changed into a tank top and a pair of sweatpants overnight, and their hair was pinned up almost on top of their head, loose pieces hanging down in green curls.

"Morning," Gray yawned as he stepped into the room, depositing the boxes of donuts on the table. "Is there coffee?"

"Of course," Freed replied, flipping a pancake and then moving across the kitchen to what appeared to be an espresso machine. "There's a Keurig, but I can make you a latte or something if you'd like?"

"An Americano would be amazing," Gray replied, grabbing an apron from the hook on the wall and tying it around his waist. "What can I do?"

The two of them spent the next half hour flipping pancakes, cooking hash browns, and frying bacon, which ended up with Gray cursing loud enough to eventually bring Natsu to the kitchen.

 _"Tabarnak d'osti de sacrement..."_ Gray muttered as the bacon grease spattered up onto his arm. He winced, moving to the sink and rinsing the burns with cold water.

 _"Es-tu correct?"_ Freed asked, glancing over at Gray's arm.

" _Oui, c'est pas grave,"_ Gray replied, dabbing at it with a towel. Then he looked up at Freed and frowned. _"Tu parles français?"_

"I do," Freed said, pulling the hash browns off the stove and pouring them into a ceramic bowl. "Not fluently, but well enough to get by." They smiled at Gray, setting the bowl on the counter and turning back to the stove.

"Hey, you okay?" Natsu poked his head into the kitchen, reaching out for Gray and inspecting the small, red marks on his forearm. "I heard you swearing, I figured it must be bad." He pressed a soft kiss to each burn.

"I'm fine," Gray replied, squeezing Natsu's hand.

"Nice apron," Natsu grinned, gesturing to Gray's chest. Gray looked down, reading the words _hot stuff coming through_ and groaning.

"I swear I didn't even look at it before I put it on," he grumbled, ignoring Natsu's snickering. "All right, if you're not gonna make yourself useful, get out of here." Gray snapped the dishtowel Natsu, catching him on the thigh. Natsu yelped, jumping away. "Take the food into the dining room. Get Ryos and Sting to help you – they're kids, they should be used to chores."

Natsu stuck his tongue out, but did as Gray asked, roping the two sleepy teens into helping him carry everything to the long table in the other room. Gray turned back to Freed, who was setting the last of the bacon on a plate.

"It's nice to be able to speak to someone other than my family," Gray admitted in French as he took the plate from Freed and set it where Natsu could reach it. He picked up his Americano and sipped it, then yawned. "We moved from Montréal five years ago and it's been hard to keep it up."

"It's certainly not spoken much here," Freed agreed. Their accent was barely noticeable – Gray was impressed. "Are you teaching Natsu?" Gray frowned. He hadn't even considered that.

"I dunno," he admitted, leaning against the counter. "We've only been dating for a week. I'm not sure if he would be interested." Freed gave him a look that involved an impressively arched eyebrow.

"I'm pretty sure he would do anything for you," they said, and Gray felt a blush rising to his cheeks. "It's clear he's very smitten. And so are you, I think." Gray glanced into the dining room where Natsu was telling Lucy a story, waving his arms in the air as he talked, and smiled softly. Freed wasn't wrong.

"So, uh, how did you and Laxus meet?" he asked, finishing off his coffee and setting the cup in the sink.

"It's a bit of a strange story," Freed admitted, hopping up on the counter. "We met through an online group for queer youth with… fundamentally religious families."

Gray raised an eyebrow. Laxus had talked a little about his father in group, and from what Gray could tell, he wasn't a particularly nice person.

"I'm originally from Wisconsin," Freed continued. "I came here when I was sixteen, and Laxus and I managed to end up in the same city."

Freed tugged their hair out of the messy bun and let it fall, then combed their fingers through it and began braiding as they talked. Gray was mesmerized by the way Freed's fingers flew back and forth.

"Sixteen?" Gray asked, frowning. "That's young."

"My parents…" Freed hesitated, tying off the end of the braid. "Weren't the kindest." They gave Gray a somewhat pained smile and he made a sympathetic face.

"Sorry," he said. Freed shrugged.

"It is what it is," they said, hopping down from the counter. "I know Laxus and I don't look like we have much in common, but… love is love."

Gray nodded, turning to the stove and flipping the last pancake onto a plate, then turning to the dining room. Laxus and Natsu appeared to be arm-wrestling across the table – Gray looked at Freed and they both rolled their eyes.

"We'd better stop them before they break something," Freed said, sighing. "And let's make sure we get some breakfast before the rest of these animals eat it all."

* * *

"I am never eating again," Lucy declared, leaning back against her chair and placing both hands on her stomach. "Freed, Gray – you two are amazing. Please come to my house and cook me food all the time." Everyone laughed, then chimed in their praises of the food.

Fitting thirteen people around the dining room table had been difficult but not impossible, and they were all crammed so tightly that their elbows were touching. Everyone's hands were in everything, and the air was full of demands like _pass the bacon_ and _more coffee_ and _if you eat the last pancake I'm going to murder you and hide your body where no-one will find it._

When everyone appeared to be full, Freed tapped their coffee mug to get everyone's attention.

"So, we have a New Year's tradition," they said. "Everyone goes around and says what their favorite memory of the last year was, or one thing they're looking forward to this year. Or both. Or you don't have to say anything at all."

"I'll go first!" Lucy bounced in her seat as everyone turned to look at her. "My favorite memory – and of course it's silly and clichéd – was when my son Kaden was born. But there's lots of memories associated with that, and they're all with Natsu." Natsu blinked from his corner of the table where he was practically sitting on Gray's lap, and Lucy smiled at him warmly. "Memories like when he painted my toes because I was too big to reach them." Levy groaned in solidarity. "Or when we saw Kaden's heartbeat for the first time."

"Luce, you're gonna make me cry," Natsu breathed, and Gray knew that was a lie because he was _already_ crying, soft tears clinging to his eyelashes. Gray pressed a kiss to his knuckles.

"I know the ride to the hospital and the twenty-some hours in the waiting room weren't fun," Lucy continued, her voice getting thicker now. "But when you burst in that door and you hugged me... and your face when you held Kaden... I just..." She sniffed, and Cana reached over, grasping her hand. "I just love you so much, and I know you've had a rough year, but I want you to know how much you mean to me and Kaden."

"Luce..." Natsu said softly, wiping tears from his eyes. "Love you too."

"Well, I'm pretty sure nobody can beat that," Gajeel grumbled, and the tension broke as everyone laughed.

"Lucy, that's incredibly sweet." Freed had also teared up, and was rubbing the corners of their eyes. "Should we just go around in a circle?"

"Can everyone just say who you are before you start?" Bix added. "I haven't met all of you before so I don't recognize all your voices quite yet."

"Sure," Cana said, since she was sitting next to Lucy. "My name's Cana. I, ah... my favorite memory is getting my puppy, Dex. Dogs are just the best 'cause they don't judge you. I can come home and tell Dex that my day was fucked up and terrible and he just kisses my face and loves me anyway."

Erza was next. "This year, I'm looking forward to trying again," she said. She didn't elaborate, but Gray was almost one hundred percent certain that she was talking about Jellal.

"Ever here, and my favorite memory was going to Comicon with you fucking nerds." Ever gestured at Bix, Freed and Laxus. "And seeing Laxus dressed up as Goku." Bix giggled, and Laxus glared at him.

"It was a great costume and you know it," Laxus rumbled. "And I'll have you all know that I won the costume contest." Gray snorted with laughter, trying to picture Laxus in an orange gi.

"My name is Levy." Levy's voice was shy, and she picked at her flaking nail polish anxiously. "I'm looking forward to meeting this little girl." She placed a hand on her stomach and smiled up at Gajeel. Gray was stunned to see the most tender, kind expression he had ever seen on Gajeel's face.

"Gajeel," he said roughly. "Levy stole my moment." Everyone laughed. "But I am lookin' forward to meetin' her too. Dunno if I'll make a good dad, but... I'll try."

"You do okay," Ryos interjected, giving Gajeel a grin that was half-serious, half-teasing. Gajeel swallowed heavily, then reached over and ruffled his brother's hair. "I'm Ryos," Ryos continued. "My favorite memory was, um... meeting Sting."

He nudged Sting, and Gray tried not to laugh. Friggin' teenagers. Although now that he thought about it... meeting Natsu might be his favorite memory from the last year too. _Ugh_ , when did he get so sappy?

"My name is Sting," Sting said quietly. He looked shy, and Gray could see that he was holding Ryos' hand under the table. "And that's... yeah, my same memory too. Except the part where Ryos punched me in the face."

"It was an _accident_ ," Ryos insisted, cheeks turning pink. "You know I suck at skateboarding." Natsu laughed, poking at Ryos under the table.

"Me too, dude," he said. Ryos looked at Natsu gratefully. Natsu winked, then suddenly realized it was his turn. He bit his lip, and Gray rubbed his hand again.

"I'm Natsu, and... this year has been really shitty. I think most of you know that. Kinda crashed and burned last week." Natsu began to bounce his leg, and Gray ran a hand down his thigh reassuringly. "But I'm getting better. So next year I'm looking forward to... getting my diploma. And doing something with my life. Maybe learning some French." He grinned and elbowed Gray, who noticed Freed giving him a pointed look from the end of the table.

When everyone turned to Gray expectantly, he felt a flash back to the first day of group, trying to think of something interesting about himself while Natsu gazed at him like he was the only person in the world.

"I'm, uh, Gray." Gray cleared his throat, then let out a deep breath. "I... have also had a shitty year. And I felt like I had nothing to be happy about." He closed his eyes for a minute, feeling Natsu's solid weight against his leg. He could do this. He trusted these people. "My favorite memory is from Christmas. I was... not in a good place and then you-" he nudged Natsu "-smashed a snowball in my face." Gray could hear other people chuckling, but he kept his gaze on the table. "We had like... a two-hour snowball fight. And it felt like things were going to be okay."

There was a chorus of _awwwws_ from the table, and Gray's cheeks turned pink. Natsu leaned over and bumped their heads together.

"And I totally kicked his ass, too," Natsu added cheekily. Gray gave him a look, pinching his thigh and causing him to squeak.

"I don't think so," he growled.

"All right, get a room you two," Ever said, waving her hand in their direction, then nudging Bix.

"Hey! I'm Bix and I guess I don't need to say my own name because I know who I am." Everyone laughed. "My favorite memory was getting my new service dog, Baby. She's not here today because she would eat all the sausages and I can get around here pretty well on my own. But she's a really good girl and I had to do a lot of training to get her, so it was pretty much the highlight of my year." He paused, running a hand through his blue hair. "Except Laxus dressing up as Goku, of course."

"Look, you dressed up as Geordi from Star Trek," Laxus protested. "You have no room to talk."

"But it works! I'm blind, he's blind."

"I'm blonde and muscly, Goku is blonde and muscly..."

"Yeah, yeah." Bix snorted with laughter and gave Laxus a friendly punch on the shoulder. "Your turn."

"Okay, I'm Laxus. My best memory was, um, moving in with Gramps. It was really hard, my dad is... challenging..." Ever snorted. "And I'm applying for technical school to become an electrician. So I'm looking forward to that." Laxus turned to Freed, reaching out and wrapping an arm around them. "You're last, babe."

 _Babe?_ Gray tried not to let his disbelief show.

"I'm Freed." Freed played with a strand of hair that had slipped from their bun. "My favorite memory from this past year was volunteering at the queer youth camp over the summer. It was a lot of work, but... I wish I had those experiences when I was young, and I'm so glad that these kids get to have good role models."

"I don't know if I would call you a good role model, you _do_ have a sword collection," Bix teased, and Freed huffed.

"I'm rolling my eyes at you, Bix," they muttered. Bix gave them a thumbs-up and Freed shook their head, then turned back to the rest of the group. "Thank you all for doing that with us. Please, eat more food. I don't want to pack up eleven boxes of leftovers."

Just then, a short, elderly man with wild white hair and a mustache appeared in the doorway of the dining room, waving at Laxus.

"Happy New Year, everyone!" he said. "Bix, it's Grampa." Bix waved as Laxus' grandfather smiled at them all. "Did you all have fun?" A chorus of _yes_ and _awesome_ and _thank you for letting us stay here_ filled the room.

"Want some breakfast?" Freed gestured to the table, but Laxus' grandfather shook his head. "You have to at least do the New Year's thing."

"Oh, but you always make me pick just _one_ memory," he sighed. "Hmm. Having Laxus move in here. And seeing him happy with you." Laxus' face turned pinker than Gray had ever seen it, but he accepted the one-armed hug from his grandfather. "Now, keep having fun, but make sure you clean the kitchen!"

* * *

 **French Translations**  
Tabarnak d'osti de sacrement = fucking fuck (equivalent cursing)  
Es-tu correct? = You okay?  
Oui, ce n'est pas grave = Yeah, it's not serious  
Tu parles français? = You speak French?


	26. chapter 26

_i'm gonna love you like i'm gonna lose you  
_ _and i'm gonna hold you like i'm saying goodbye  
_ \- meghan trainor, "like i'm gonna lose you"

"How're you feeling?"

Gray's voice was soft, and Natsu looked up where he was curled up in the passenger seat, a bright blue sucker caught between his teeth. He felt gross from sleeping in his clothes overnight, and he was sure his hair looked ridiculous. His eyeliner was smudged even more now, making his face feel itchy and uncomfortable.

"Natsu?" Gray asked again. "You okay?"

"... yes. Yeah. Sorry." Natsu blinked a few times, running a hand over his face and yawning. "Just sleepy. That bed was shit. How's your shoulder?"

Gray made a noncommittal sound. "It's okay," he said. "It's been... better lately." He turned the corner and Natsu winced, the sun suddenly blinding him. He pulled up his hood and ducked his face to avoid the bright light.

"Do you think your psychiatrist was right?" Natsu asked. "I mean, that the pain's… psycho-so-whatever?" He bit down on the sucker and crunched the pieces between his teeth. Gray looked pensive.

"Maybe?" he said eventually. His left hand drifted up to rub his scar, and Natsu's chest clenched. Gray had been much more open over the last week, and Natsu had plenty of opportunities to see him shirtless, but he knew that the scars still made Gray very self-conscious. "It probably helps that I'm distracted," Gray added.

"Mmm, by your handsome boyfriend?" Natsu teased, scooting over in his seat and sliding a hand over Gray's thigh.

"Hmm. Maybe." Gray made a soft, contented sound as Natsu's fingers drifted up and down the fabric of his jeans. Natsu could tell he was tense, but the stress seemed to dissolve under his fingertips.

"You okay, Snowflake?"

"Yeah, why?" Gray asked, flicking on his blinker and turning onto the street for the apartment.

"We were over there for a long time; you're not a people person." Natsu shrugged, fingers dipping deeper onto the inside of Gray's thigh. Gray shivered, and Natsu grinned. "You and Freed seemed to hit it off."

"Yeah, they s-speak French," Gray said shakily. Natsu could tell that he was trying hard to ignore the hand that was now ghosting across his lap to brush the inside of his left leg. "You are b-being very distracting."

"Am I?" Natsu feigned innocence. "I thought that was a _good_ thing." He increased the pressure slightly, then leaned all the way across the console and pressed a sticky kiss to Gray's cheek. "I can stop if you want." He slid his hand away and Gray growled. "Guess you'd better get home quick so I can keep going." Natsu saw a muscle in Gray's jaw twitch, and didn't say anything when the car sped up slightly.

As soon as Natsu had kicked off his shoes, he felt Gray grab his sweater, and he yelped in surprise as he was slammed back against the wall.

"Ahh!" Natsu half-exclaimed, half-moaned as Gray leaned forward, biting his neck. "You… _mnnn_ … we… _ahhh_ …"

Natsu tipped his head back against the wall and gave up on talking, letting Gray assault his neck and throat with soft, open-mouthed kisses. The hand gripping Natsu's sweater trailed down and slipped under the fabric, pushing Natsu's hips back against the wall.

 _"Tu me rends fou,"_ Gray breathed against Natsu's neck, and Natsu moaned as he brought a hand up to Gray's hair. "You are unbelievably hot." Gray pressed himself up against Natsu, moving his kisses to Natsu's mouth.

"Fffffuu... ah, god, yes," Natsu whispered as Gray dropped his hand lower and ground his hips forward. Gray ran his other hand underneath Natsu's sweater, dragging his nails across Natsu's chest as he bit Natsu's lower lip. "Ahhh, Jesus Christ. W-we… _ahhh_ … sh-should move to the b-bedroom so-"

"Who says we're going to the bedroom?" Gray growled, sliding both hands around the back of Natsu's thighs. He bent his knees slightly, then lifted Natsu up, pushing him back against the wall and nudging him to wrap his legs around Gray's hips. Keeping his left arm under Natsu's thigh, he brought the other up to brace himself against the wall.

"Fucking… shit, _ahhh,"_ Natsu groaned as he settled his legs around Gray's waist, pulling them tightly together. Gray rocked forward, kissing Natsu again and moaning into his mouth with each thrust. "Fuck, you're so loud," Natsu breathed, adjusting his hips slightly and shuddering at the resulting sensation. "I love it."

"It's 'cause you feel so good," Gray groaned, panting heavily. Natsu glanced down at his arm, but Gray shook his head. "'s ok, it's my left arm. I'm fine." He ran his teeth along Natsu's jaw. "One day, I'm gonna fuck you like this." Heat pooled low in Natsu's belly and he moaned, throwing his head back against the wall. "And when I do, you're gonna make so much noise that our neighbours are going to complain."

Tight waves of arousal radiated through Natsu, and every point that Gray touched felt like it was on fire, even through his clothing.

"C-clothes… off…" Natsu groaned, tugging on Gray's hair and getting a sharp gasp in response. Gray dropped his forehead to Natsu's shoulder and rested it there, panting and moaning in time with the rocking of their bodies.

"No," Gray grunted, shifting his grip on Natsu's thigh and pressing even harder against him. Natsu whined at the sensation. "L-laundry room's… _ahh_ … less'n five feet away." He ran his tongue over Natsu's collarbone, then tipped his head up for another kiss. "Just let go…"

That was all it took for Natsu to cry out, tipping forward and burying his face in the crook of Gray's neck, tightening his hand in Gray's hair as he rode out the sensation.

"There you go," Gray whispered as Natsu clung to him, and then Gray was holding him tightly, biting Natsu's sweater to muffle the deep, rough groan that escaped his lips. Natsu kissed Gray's cheeks, stroking his hair and whispering soft things in his ear as he shuddered.

After a moment of breathing together, Gray's grip loosened, and he lowered Natsu gently back to the floor, placing both hands on the wall on either side of his head. Natsu hummed and leaned up, kissing Gray lazily.

"I need to tease you more often," Natsu murmured, then shifted uncomfortably. "Wanna come shower?"

* * *

"Gray." Natsu stretched his leg as far as he could without disturbing Happy – who was currently curled up next to him – and tried to poke his boyfriend. "Graaaay." He managed to brush his toes against Gray's sweatpants, and Gray startled awake, blinking blearily at Natsu.

"Wh'sa matter?" Gray asked, frowning, and Natsu couldn't help the fond laugh that passed his lips.

"You're adorable," Natsu said, shifting over on the couch – much to Happy's chagrin – and grabbing the laptop from Gray before it could tumble to the ground. "You fell asleep."

"Hmmm." Gray grabbed a pillow and dropped it into Natsu's lap, then flopped over and nuzzled his face into Natsu's stomach. Natsu could feel Gray's soft breaths through his thin-shirt. "I see you woke me up to offer to be my new pillow." Gray's voice was muffled and sleepy.

"I _was_ gonna ask if you wanted coffee or a nap," Natsu countered, combing his fingers through Gray's hair. "But you've made your position clear." He laughed when Gray rolled over slightly, pouting up at Natsu.

"But... coffee," he mumbled. Gray was adorable when he was sleepy – it blurred the hard edges, softened the sarcasm, and made him delightfully vulnerable.

"You could do both?" Natsu suggested. He leaned down and kissed Gray, who hummed happily. "Full disclosure, it _is_ five already. Wanna order takeout? I don't think we have any more leftovers. We need to go grocery shopping soon."

"Let's get tacos," Gray mumbled, throwing his arm around Natsu's hip and burying his face back in Natsu's lap. "There's that... place. 's not far."

"'That place,'" Natsu muttered sarcastically, fishing Gray's phone out of his pocket and searching for the restaurant. "You'd better get up then, sleepyhead, we gotta walk there..." A disagreeable grumble was his only response. Natsu bit his lip, an idea forming in his head. "Hey… Gray?"

Gray must have sensed the change in Natsu's tone, because he propped himself up on his elbows and looked up more seriously.

"How would you feel about me going by myself?" Natsu asked. His stomach did a little flip as he said it, and he dropped Gray's gaze. Natsu hadn't been alone since the hospital.

"How do _you_ feel about it?" Gray asked. He was entirely awake now, sitting up and twining his fingers with Natsu's. "If you're asking if you're _allowed_ , I don't tell you what you can and can't do. The hospital asked me to keep an eye on you, watch for suicidal behaviors, and make sure you take your meds. And you're doing really well."

Natsu flinched at the word _suicidal –_ it still stung. He felt Gray squeeze his hand and he let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

"I don't... I'm not gonna do something stupid," Natsu said quietly. "I f-feel like maybe I... need to prove I can do it?" Gray nodded, then reached over and brushed some stray hairs back from Natsu's face.

"I trust you." Gray leaned in and kissed Natsu gently. "And you should trust yourself too." Natsu swallowed, resting his forehead against Gray's.

"Thanks," he whispered. Gray leaned back and grinned at him.

"Just know that if you get my order wrong, you're gonna have to walk there twice, because I do not take tacos lightly."

* * *

The trip was entirely uneventful, despite Natsu feeling like he was on the edge of a panic attack the entire time. He couldn't even vocalize exactly what it was that he was afraid of, but his hands and fingers thrummed with an uncomfortable energy the whole way there.

When Natsu finally walked into the restaurant, he couldn't help the feeling that everyone was staring at him, like they _knew_ that under his jacket sleeves was a glaring reminder of his stupidity and incapacity to function like a normal human being.

Unsurprisingly, nothing happened and nobody said anything, and Natsu was back at the apartment less than forty minutes later with their food.

"You okay?" Gray asked. He took the bags from Natsu and set them on the kitchen counter, where he was making popcorn. "Hey, look at me." He grabbed Natsu's sweater and pulled him into a hug, and Natsu practically melted into his arms.

"I'm fucking stupid," Natsu muttered, and Gray exhaled softly, resting his chin on Natsu's head. "'course nothin' happened, I know that, I just can't help feeling all this anxiety but like, it's not like I can accidentally kill mys-" He stopped, groaning and covering his face with his hands.

"This is why you're seeing the psychiatrist tomorrow," Gray said softly, kissing the top of Natsu's head and squeezing him tighter. "You'll get to talk to somebody about these feelings and they'll be able to explain them way better than I can. Because let's face it, I'm a train wreck and between the two of us we're barely functioning human beings."

Natsu snorted. The tingling feeling was mostly gone now, and he was left feeling ravenously hungry. He wrapped his arms around Gray and squeezed, kissing his neck and then stepping back to shrug off his hoodie.

"You wanna watch a movie?" Natsu asked. He grabbed a couple plates from the cabinets and started arranging their food on them as Gray finished melting the butter. "Or we could play Smash Bros again?"

"Fuck that game," Gray grumbled, and Natsu laughed. "We could watch a movie, though. I wanted to, ah, talk to you about something first, though." They had made their way to the living room and were setting things out on the coffee table, and Natsu felt something in his chest tighten.

"About?" he asked nervously. A million things flashed through his head, most of which he knew were ridiculous. Gray flopped down on the couch and pulled Natsu down next to him.

"I've been thinking about..." Gray sighed, and Natsu took his hand. "Those letters. From Lyon." Gray swallowed. "I think I want to read them."

"Gray," Natsu whispered, reaching up and rubbing the back of Gray's neck. "That's big. How do you feel?"

"Terrified," Gray admitted, voice small and quiet. "And... maybe just the first one. Or maybe I'd have to stop. I don't know. But I just... I want to know _why_."

Natsu trailed his fingers down from Gray's neck to rest them on the back of his shoulder. He could feel the thick, jagged scar tissue under his fingertips, and it filled him with a sense of fiery rage. He knew that this was Gray's battle, but Natsu had a feeling that if he ever did end up meeting Lyon, it wouldn't be a pleasant encounter.

"The answers might not be there," Natsu said softly, more cautioning than dissuading. Gray nodded.

"I know," he said. "But... I want to try." Gray leaned over and bumped his head against Natsu's. "I don't think I can read them myself," he continued, "and they're going to be in French. I don't want Ultear to help. Do you think it would be weird if I asked Freed?"

Natsu pondered the question for a moment, then shook his head.

"They seemed super chill," he said. "I didn't spend much time with them at the party, but I hung out with Bix and he's their roommate. He said that they're like, crazy smart." Gray nodded. "I can text Bix to get their number if you want?"

Gray shook his head. "I have it already, they asked about French tutoring, which they _definitely_ don't need." Natsu felt Gray snuggle closer to him, so he reached out his foot and tugged the coffee table close enough to reach their food without moving.

"If that's what you want to do, I'll be here for you," Natsu said, kissing Gray's temple, then snagging one of his burritos. Gray followed suit.

"That reminds me of something else I wanted to ask you," Gray said around a mouthful of lettuce and ground beef. "Sylvie comes here for sleepovers sometimes. Would it be okay with you if she stayed over on Friday?"

Natsu blinked. "Yeah, of course," he replied immediately. "I mean, this is your place, I don't wanna..." He frowned at the expression of frustration and disappointment that flashed across Gray's face. "Okay, what's that look for?" Gray suddenly looked very interested in the popcorn bowl. "Snowflake. What's up?"

"I... I don't want you to feel like it's _my_ place," Gray admitted quietly. "It feels..." He trailed off, bringing his hands to his face and groaning. Natsu could see the tips of Gray's ears turning red, and he set down his food, grabbing Gray's hands.

"I really like being here," Natsu said softly. "Best place I've ever lived, hands down. Although, the rest of them were shady at best so that might not be saying much."

"It feels like _home_ with you here." Gray's face was bright red now, and he wasn't looking at Natsu, but he looked determined. The rest of his words tumbled out in a rush. "I don't know what you want to do after your birthday, I mean, I don't want to assume. That you want to stay, I mean. Because I want you to, and I know it's only been like a week but this is kind of a unique situation, and it would be stupid to have you move out and then move back in at the 'societally acceptable point in our relationship.' Which isn't to say that-"

"Of course I want to stay, you idiot," Natsu interrupted. Gray blinked and looked up at Natsu, brows furrowed and mouth slightly open.

"You do?"

"Yes." Natsu leaned over and kissed Gray's nose. "Even though you have an entire cupboard dedicated to novelty coffee mugs, and you buy silly expensive almond milk, and you're an octopus when you sleep, and your cat seems to think my head is a pillow." Gray huffed indignantly.

"'m not an octopus," he said petulantly.

"Mmm, yeah you are, Snowflake," Natsu teased. "But you're a cute octopus." Natsu tugged Gray closer to him, wrapping an arm around him and situating the popcorn bowl on his stomach. "Now let's find something terrible to watch on Netflix and enjoy our last night of vacation before group tomorrow."

* * *

 **French Translations**  
Tu me rends fou = You make me crazy


	27. chapter 27

_shipwrecked by a sea so stormy  
i'm lost but i'm never lonely  
i can see it now, that you were my way out  
_\- hedley, "we are unbreakable"

"Welcome back, everyone!"

Mira burst into the common area of the Youth Center with a scarf wrapped tightly around her neck, books tucked under one arm and a coffee in the other. "Happy New Year!"

An assortment of vaguely enthusiastic murmurs circled through the group, and Gray contributed with a half-hearted "yay" mumbled over his cup of coffee.

"It looks like everyone is bright and chipper today!" Mira teased, and a couple of people groaned. Cana, Erza and Lucy were almost asleep in the beanbag chairs, Laxus and Gajeel were both slumped over the table with their heads in their arms, and Gray and Natsu were both on the floor. Gray leaned back against the wall, coffee mug balanced on his knees in front of him, and Natsu's head rested on his shoulder. Gray was pretty sure Natsu was snoring.

"Wake up, sunshine," Gray murmured, nudging Natsu. "Mira's here." Natsu grumbled unhappily, nuzzling Gray's shoulder, but sat up, rubbing his eyes. Something in Gray protested at the loss of contact. He felt unsure and uncertain this morning, and the warmth of Natsu pressed against his side had helped keep those feelings at bay.

Natsu grumbled, grabbing his own coffee from the table in front of them and taking a large gulp. "Why'sit gotta be so _early_?" he complained. Gray had to agree – this was a far cry from the late, lazy mornings they'd had over the Christmas holidays. Waking up before the sunrise, wrapped up in the warmth of Natsu's arms had made it even more difficult to get out of bed, although Natsu had bribed him with a shower together. Which had ended up taking about ten times longer than it should have, but in Gray's opinion, it had definitely been worth it.

"I know everyone's probably pretty tired today," Mira said cheerfully, leaning against one of the desks and smiling at everyone. "I hope you all had a good vacation! Why don't we start off with a quick go-round, with everyone sharing one thing they're looking forward to this year?"

"Did that," mumbled Laxus, without raising his head.

"Oh?" Mira said, her eyebrows raised in surprise.

"Yeah, we all had New Year's brunch at Laxus' grampa's place," Lucy explained, twisting into a sitting position and tugging her hair back into a messy ponytail. "So we all talked about our favorite memories or things we're excited about."

"That's wonderful, I'm so glad you're all getting along outside of group!" Mira enthused, and while Gray sort of hated her for being able to be this cheerful first thing in the morning, he could feel that her smile was genuine. "All right, how about we do something more relevant to the program instead. Do you all feel comfortable discussing how you've been moving toward your goals for the group?"

Nobody disagreed, although Gray wasn't certain what he had to contribute to this discussion. He hadn't improved, or gotten anywhere, or done any—

"I'll go first," Lucy offered. She was dressed in a pair of yoga pants and a baggy sweater, and she cradled her Starbucks cup between her hands. Her legs were stretched over Erza's lap, and her back rested against Cana's knees. "I moved out from my dad's place. We _are_ on speaking terms now, but I'm staying with my ex at the moment, which isn't as bad as it sounds." She twirled a loose piece of hair around one finger. "I have someone helping me look for housing, and my ex and I are working on a real custody agreement with Kaden, where he actually pays me some child support."

"It sounds like you're really proud of these choices, Lucy," Mira said. Her face was soft and her smile wide and authentic. "Those are definitely measurable ways that you're working towards your goal."

After that, everyone was happy to share. Laxus talked about moving in with his grandfather and applying to become an electrician. Gajeel said that he had secured community service hours to finish his probation, and had helped set up a nursery for the baby. Erza talked about starting a new program for rebuilding relationships after addiction, and Cana had signed up for a teen AA program.

The more everyone else talked about their successes, the more Gray's stomach twisted and the dark feeling from earlier settled deeper into his chest. Everyone was making progress. Everyone was getting better, and he still wasn't sure that he could even read a bunch of stupid letters that his fucking brother wrote him from prison. He couldn't talk about his mom without wanting to throw up. He had opened up a bit to Natsu, sure, but...

"Wow. I'm... not really sure where to start." Gray looked up as he realized that Natsu was speaking. "I left my... abusive foster home." Natsu swallowed, looking down at the floor. Only the faintest traces of the bruises on his face remained under Natsu's eye. "I'm living with Gray now. It's going really well." A flush of color rose to his cheeks, and Gray felt himself smiling. "I got a new psychiatrist and I'm taking my meds. I haven't hurt myself in thirteen days."

"Natsu, we are all very, very proud of you," Mira said softly, and everyone chimed in with words of encouragement. "I know these past few weeks have been difficult, but you are doing a wonderful job at making positive changes in your life." Natsu ducked his head and blushed, nudging Gray to take over.

"Um," Gray said awkwardly, looking intently at the hole in the toe of his shoe. "I, ah..." He chewed on his lip. "I'm not..."

Natsu slid his hand over and rested it against Gray's – not holding it, but touching him nonetheless. Gray exhaled softly, trying to breathe past the lump in his chest.

"I talked about... my brother," he said after a moment. "It... was really hard... and I, um, I guess that sounds dumb, it wasn't big deal like everyone else's." He dug his fingernails into the carpet.

"Gray." He had been expecting to hear Mira's voice, but instead was faced with Natsu's gentle, reproachful tone. "As someone who was there, it was a _really_ big deal." Gray felt his face growing warm, and he took a shaky breath.

"I just… I…" He tensed, feeling a warm pressure behind his eyes. _No,_ he thought, running a hand over his face. _No, this is not happening. I am not crying here._ But no amount of swallowing or clenching his jaw could keep the tears from spilling out the corners of his eyes. "Fuck, I'm sorry," he whispered, wiping at his face angrily with the heel of his palm.

He felt Natsu's hand hovering next to his, the slight shift in his body that indicated he wanted to hug Gray but was waiting for his permission. Gray felt like he couldn't move. Part of him was terrified of this – of showing these emotions, letting people see him this vulnerable. The other part figured they had already seen so much, and hadn't Natsu shown him that being open like this was okay?

"Gray." Mira was kneeling in front of him now, touching his arm gently. "This must be very difficult for you. Nobody here is going to judge you for your emotions, but if you would prefer, we can all leave the room for a little bit."

Gray shook his head a bit and leaned into Natsu slightly. Natsu scooted up and wrapped an arm around him, letting Gray rest his head on his shoulder.

"Gray, I really admire your dedication to being a good person." Erza's voice was gentle, and Gray wiped his eyes with his sleeve, looking up to see her smiling at him. "You always see the best in other people. That's not a weakness."

"You're so caring," Lucy added, and Gray made a soft sound as he realized what they were doing. They had done this for Cana when she relapsed the week after group started. Mira called it a 'compliment circle,' which made it sound like they were in kindergarten, but Cana _had_ felt better afterwards. "The people in your life are lucky to have you."

"You're _real_ ," Cana said. "You don't bullshit or lie about things. It makes what you say more authentic."

Gray felt a sob building in his chest, and he dropped his head to his knees, swallowing hard. Natsu rubbed his back in slow circles, murmuring soft things like _it's okay_ and _I'm here_.

"You're compassionate," Laxus rumbled, drumming his fingers on the table. "You've shown that you're willing to do anything to help out the people you care about." Gray didn't have to look up to know that Laxus was looking at Natsu as he spoke. He felt the sob burst out of his chest, accompanied by a fresh wave of tears, and he gripped his knees tighter.

"You..." Gajeel's voice was rough, and Gray kept his head between his knees, knowing that he would lose it completely if he made eye contact with anyone right now. "You forgave me." The words hit Gray like a physical blow to the stomach, tensing up his chest and making him dig his nails into his palms. "I didn't deserve it, but you forgave me. An' it doesn't seem like a big deal, but... people don't trust me. An' you saw all the shit I pulled back then, an' I was a dick to you, an' you still just let it go."

Gray let out a shuddering breath, trying to focus on the small patterns that Natsu was drawing on his back. He felt Natsu shift beside him, pressing their knees together.

"You saved my life," Natsu said, just loud enough for the rest of the room to hear. "You _literally_ saved my life, and you gave me a place to stay, and you brought me into you family. You're a super cool uncle, and a great brother, and an awesome cook." Gray laughed a bit through his tears, wiping his face and sniffling.

"You are an exceptional young man, Gray," Mira said softly. "You have come so far in such a short time – you all have – and you should all be very proud of yourselves." She stood up slowly, making her way back to the front of the room. "We're going to take a quick break now, and when we get back, we're going to talk about making healthy choices."

Gray closed his eyes for a minute, letting himself cry while he listened to the sound of Natsu's breathing and everyone else moving around the classroom. The tears stopped after a minute, leaving him feeling shaky and exhausted. He lifted his head, sniffed, and rubbed his face with his sleeve.

"You good?" Natsu asked, still tracing shapes on Gray's back, eyebrows furrowed in concern. Gray nodded, trying not to look at anyone else in the room. "It's okay. They're not judging." Natsu bumped their heads together gently.

Gray jumped when something nudged his foot, and he looked up to see Erza standing above them. She reached down her hands and he took one, letting her pull both him and Natsu to their feet. As soon as Gray was standing, Erza pulled him into a tight hug. Even when they had known each other before, they hadn't been affectionate, and it caught Gray off guard.

"I meant it," Erza whispered as he relaxed into her embrace. "It's not a weakness." She slowly let him go and grabbed both his shoulders, looking at him seriously. "It's okay to see the best in people, but to also be cautious and angry. Those two things can exist simultaneously." Gray looked away, feeling shaky. He'd been so uncertain about her relationship with Jellal that he'd completely missed the parallels to his relationship with Lyon.

"Thanks," he said softly. "I feel like I've been a shitty friend to you." She shook her head, but he continued. "If you ever wanna talk about..." Gray gestured to the tattoo on her finger. "We could grab coffee or something."

Erza gave him a small smile, and at that moment it was so easy to see her as Scarlet, the brash, over-confident fifteen-year-old with a bleach-blonde mohawk and fishnet stockings that Gray had met so many years ago.

"You're sweet," she said, squeezing his hand. "I might take you up on it."

"I'm... I just gotta go do something, okay?" Gray said. He looked between Natsu and Erza, who both nodded at him.

Gray slipped out of the classroom, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He thumbed through the contacts until he hit Freed's name, then hovered there hesitantly. What if it was weird? What if he made Freed uncomfortable? What if...

 _Fuck it,_ Gray thought, pulling up a message window.

 _Est-tu occupé(e) cette fin d'semaine?_ he wrote.

Gray set the phone down in his lap, taking deep breaths and praying _please don't be busy, I don't think I can put this off much longer without imploding._ He didn't have to wait long for an answer.

 _Non, pourquoi?_

 _J'ai besoin d'ton aide._

There. Asking for help wasn't so hard. Except now Gray felt like that was maybe a bit imperative, so he added, _If that's okay. Please?_

 _Of course,_ Freed replied. _What do you need help with?_

Gray sighed, running a hand over his face. It would probably be easier to explain on the phone, but he wasn't sure he could get through it without crying again. He typed out the quickest reply he could think of.

 _My brother's in jail and he wrote me these letters, and I want to read them but I don't think I can do it myself. They're in French so I was hoping you might be able to read them to me._

Gray watched the ellipsis bounce on the bottom of the screen, chewing on his lip.

 _Not a problem. Why don't you (and Natsu) come over on Saturday? Any time is fine._ Freed included the address in the message, and when Gray pulled it up on his map, he saw it wasn't far from Ultear's house.

 _Thank you so much,_ Gray replied. He could feel some of the nervous energy in his body starting to dissipate, and he breathed out a sigh of relief.

 _Anytime. Now get back to group and I'll see you on Saturday. :)_

Gray smiled, shoving his phone back into his pocket and standing up. He took another deep breath, shook out his hands, then headed back to face the rest of the morning.

* * *

"Gray, my favorite patient, light of my life... are you _smiling_ _?"_

"Fuck off," Gray grumbled good-naturedly, reaching out to shake the hand of the red-headed woman perched on the table in front of him.

"Please tell me that cutie is the reason behind it," she whispered, pointing at the front of the office where Natsu was draped casually over two chairs, thumbing through Gray's phone where he was doing French exercises. His lips were moving slowly, earphone draped over one ear, and he played absently with a strand of pink hair that hung in his eyes.

"His name is Natsu," Gray said softly without actually answering the question. He could feel the corners of his mouth turn up, and he looked away quickly to hide his embarrassment.

"Graaaaay, you're in love," the woman whispered, face softening. "When? Where? How did this happen? Also, come over here, I'm going to take some measurements today." She gestured for him to head over to the wall near the back of the physio center.

"Am I almost done with this stuff?" Gray asked, trying to change the subject. The woman raised her eyebrow at him and he sighed. " _Yes_ , Sherry, I am doing the exercises at home. Ask my boyfriend if you don't believe me." Sherry let out a little squeal and Gray winced.

"Okay, _boyfriend,"_ she said, "and also, he what, lives with you?" Gray glared at her while she palpated his shoulder, then began to manipulate it into different positions. Other than Natsu, Sherry was really the only person who had touched his scars, and it had taken Gray a long time to trust her.

"Yes, boyfriend. And it's a long story," Gray said hesitantly, letting her guide the muscles through the different exercises. His shoulder was almost moving smoothly again – a far cry from his first few appointments, where he couldn't even make a fist with his right hand. In fact, it was a huge improvement from even two weeks ago. "We ended up living together because of... a situation."

"That's not vague at _all_ ," Sherry muttered, handing Gray a dumbbell and encouraging him to lift it up and over his head.

"It's his story," Gray said firmly, and Sherry flicked her eyes up to his, then nodded.

"Sorry for prying. How's that feel?"

Gray did another ten reps of the exercise, then shrugged.

"Honestly, it's pretty good overall." He handed the dumbbell back to her and rolled the shoulder a bit. "Sometimes if I'm stressed it gets tight and really painful, but you know what Kim thinks about that."

Sherry laughed – Kim was Gray's therapist. Gray had scoffed at her when she'd first brought up the idea that his pain could be partly psychological, but now he wasn't so sure she was wrong. The intensity seemed to fade when he wasn't stressed or angry, especially over the past week.

"Well, you've really come a long way, my dear," Sherry said. She tilted her head to the side and smiled at him, and between the expression on her face and the words she'd spoken, Gray felt that pressure of tears behind his eyes again. He blinked a few times, managing to keep it in check this time.

"Th-thanks," he managed.

"Gray, don't start showing emotions on me now," Sherry chided gently. "I might start thinking you're actually human." He snorted, and she moved back to the table, grabbing her clipboard. "Seriously, though – I don't think you're going to get much more out of coming here. You should keep seeing your neurologist for the pain, but as for here... I think you're done. I know recovery hasn't been easy, but you're ready to move on to bigger and better things."

Gray crossed his arms over his chest, trying not to let his excitement show. Two months ago, he wouldn't have cared about another 'sign of progress' in his life, but right now he couldn't keep the smile off his face.

"All right, get outta here," Sherry said. She extended an arm and Gray let her pull him into a sideways hug. "Go take your boyfriend on a nice date. Treat him right, he looks like he's a keeper."

"He is," Gray murmured, turning to see Natsu with his sketchbook open across his knees. "Thank you. For... everything. I was a pretty big asshole and you put up with a lot from me."

 _"Was_ a big asshole?" Sherry gasped, grinning at him. "I kid. I'm really proud of you. Now get out of here and enjoy life." Gray took a couple steps toward the waiting area, then turned to wave.

"I will. You too."

Gray snuck up on Natsu and leaned forward, kissing Natsu's cheek and causing him to jump up in his seat.

" _Jesus,_ Gray, you scared me," Natsu huffed, collecting his sketchbook and the phone. "Done already?"

"Done for good, actually," Gray said. Natsu tipped his head back and beamed at him.

"That must feel awesome," he said, tucking his belongings back into his satchel and slipping his feet back into his boots. He made quick work of the laces, then stood and grabbed Gray's hand. "Now we get to go get my brain fixed, hey?" He tried to play it off casually, but Gray could hear the anxiety in his voice.

"It'll be okay," Gray said comfortingly, squeezing Natsu's hand. "I can come in with you if you need me to."

"Mm. I know." Natsu nudged Gray gently and they headed out of the office, walking down the hallway to the elevator. "I just don't have great experiences with psychiatrists. Maybe this one'll be different."

They left the building in a comfortable silence, then wandered down the road hand-in-hand until they made it to the car. The snow had stopped falling, and the sun had finally decided to come out, making everything a little bit less gray.

"I talked to Freed," Gray said finally, fiddling with the car keys. "They said we can come over on Saturday." He ran his thumb over the back of Natsu's hand.

"How do you feel about it?" Natsu asked gently, leaning against the car and pulling Gray forward so they were chest to chest. "Sorry, I'm sure you're sick of talking about your feelings today." Gray huffed, dropping his head to Natsu's shoulder.

"I feel..." He sighed. "Nervous. Terrified? But also... is there a word for pre-relieved? Where you hope you're going to feel a sense of closure?" He closed his eyes, listening to the sound of traffic, and the excited screaming of children at the school playground across the street.

"Probably in German," Natsu replied, kissing the top of Gray's head. "They have weird, oddly specific words for everything." Gray snorted. "Seriously though, just... I'm here. And if you decide you don't wanna go through with it, that's okay. If you do and it's awful, that's okay. If you do and it's great, that's okay too." He wrapped his arms around Gray's shoulders and squeezed him tight.

"Thank you," Gray mumbled, resting his hands on Natsu's hips. "I guess we'll see what happens." He fumbled for the keychain again, unlocking the doors and standing up, and pressing a quick kiss to Natsu's lips as he did so.

"So, we'll go after we drop off Sylvie?" Natsu asked, sliding into the passenger seat and tugging his seatbelt on. Gray nodded. "What time is Ultear dropping her off on Friday?"

"Five, I think," Gray replied, pulling out of the parking stall and heading toward the building where Natsu's new psychiatrist worked. "We usually get takeout and watch a movie." Some of the tension in his shoulders bled away at the thought of spending the evening with Natsu and his niece.

"I heard that her favorite movie is Frozen," Natsu said, grinning, and Gray turned to glare at him. "And I believe she mentioned that you like to sing along?" He snickered as Gray's ears turned pink.

"Shut up," Gray growled, but there was no heat behind it. Instead, all he could think of was curling up on the couch with Sylvie on his lap and Natsu under his arm. He sighed happily – now he just had to make it through the rest of the week in one piece.

* * *

 **French Translations**  
Est-tu occupé(e*) cette fin d'semaine? = Are you busy this weekend?  
Non, pourquoi? = No, why  
J'ai besoin d'ton aide = I need your help

 _A/N: Gray asks Freed "Est-tu occupé(e*) cette fin d'semaine?". The "occupé(e) is because French has a masculine/feminine structure, and you have to pick the verb based on the gender of the person you're talking about. Since Freed identifies as non-binary and uses they/them pronouns, French is not kind to them. Generally you have to pick one (in speech), but in writing you can put both, which is what Gray has done to make Freed more comfortable. They might eventually have to have a conversation about how to handle spoken verbs - unfortunately there's no gender-neutral option in French. :(_


	28. chapter 28

_How many days have you just slept away?_  
 _Is everybody high? Is everyone afraid?_  
 _And how many times have you wished you were strong?_  
 _Have they ever seen your heart?_  
 _Have they ever seen your pain?_  
\- Our Lady Peace, "Life"

 ** _Ten Years Ago_**

 _"Natsu?"_

 _Eight-year-old Natsu peered up at the woman crouched in front of him. Her hair was dark, and her eyes were a soft blue. She was holding a clipboard to her chest and smiling at him. "My name is Doctor Jennison. Do you know why I'm here?"_

 _Natsu shook his head cautiously. He was curled up on the floor in the corner of the hospital room, hands wrapped in fresh bandages, dirty hair hanging in his face. He wiped his nose on his sleeve and stared at her in silence._

 _"Your dad told me that you set a fire in your backyard and hurt yourself pretty badly," Doctor Jennison said, giving Natsu a soft look. He scowled at her. "He's pretty worried about you."_

 _"He's not my dad," Natsu said, tugging his knees tighter against his chest. He wanted to be brave but the tears fell anyway. "My dad left."_

 _"I'm sorry, sweetie," Kyla said, settling herself on the floor next to Natsu. "It sounds like you're pretty angry about that." Natsu took a shaky breath and nodded, wiping his face with the back of his hand._

 _"I was just playin'," he grumbled, looking down at his hands. The blistered flesh was visible in between his fingers, but they'd given him something in a needle and it didn't hurt much anymore. "They're gonna send me away. I heard Mr Delton on the phone. He called them and said to take me back 'cause I'm broken and stupid an' nobody wants me."_

 _And then the tears came out in a rush, spilling down his cheeks and making dark spots on the knees of his too-large jeans. Kyla made a soft noise and moved to comfort him, but he jerked away from her and scrambled to his feet, clenching his fists as best he could._

 _"Nobody's never gonna want me," he hiccupped, edging toward the door. "They said somethin's wrong with my brain. It's broken an' stupid and I HATE IT!" The last few words were screamed as he bolted towards the door, only to be blocked by Mr Denton, who grabbed Natsu's arm in a bruising grip. Natsu snarled, twisting to try and bite the man's hand. "I HATE IT and I HATE YOU!"_

"Natsu?"

Gray's voice yanked Natsu back to the present and he shivered. The scene around him resolved back into the psychiatrist's office, and he sighed.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Gray reached over and brushed his hand over Natsu's cheek, and Natsu rested his face against Gray's palm. "You zoned out there for a bit. You okay?"

"Yeah," Natsu said softly, rubbing his eyes. "Just thinking." He shifted uncomfortably in the waiting room chair, glancing around at the three other patients. A fish tank in the center of the room provided ambient lighting, and the sound of a waterfall came from behind him.

"It'll be okay," Gray reassured him, setting down his book and squeezing Natsu's thigh. "He's just going to talk to you, right? Nothing bad's going to happen."

Natsu sunk lower into his chair, chewing on his lip. He knew Gray was right, but he'd never had a good experience with a psychiatrist. Even the one who finally diagnosed him as bipolar hadn't been great – all she had done was pushed meds on him and left him to fend for himself.

"Can you come in with me?" Natsu asked. "I changed my mind." Gray gave him a soft smile and nodded.

"Of course." He leaned over and pressed a kiss to Natsu's cheek, and Natsu felt himself relax a bit. "Whatever you need."

Several moments later, they were summoned into an office by a cheerful looking man who gestured for them to take a seat across from his desk.

"Good afternoon," he said, closing the door and settling into his own chair. A file folder lay open on the desk in front of him, and he tapped it with his middle finger. "My name is Doctor Dvivedi, which I know is a mouthful, so just call me Ahmit." He had a thick accent and a friendly smile. "Which one of you two is Natsu?"

Natsu raised his hand slightly, shuffling in his seat and avoiding eye contact.

"Wonderful, it's good to meet you," Ahmit said, then turned his gaze to Gray. "Can you introduce me to your...?"

"Boyfriend," Natsu mumbled. "His name is Gray." Gray reached out and shook the doctor's hand. Natsu figured he should probably do the same thing, but instead he picked at the cuticle around his thumbnail.

"Now, I have your file from your old psychiatrist, as well as a few notes from the hospital," Ahmit began, gesturing to the papers on his desk. "They don't always get everything right, though. Would you be able to tell me a little bit about what happened two weeks ago?"

Natsu chewed on his lip, then sighed and finally made eye contact with the doctor. His face was open and friendly, but Natsu still felt his leg begin to tap the ground restlessly.

"I, um... I stopped taking my meds 'cause my foster dad wouldn't pay for them," he began hesitantly. "And I knew I was going kinda manic cause I wasn't sleeping or eating, but I didn't ask for help and then everything was all fucked up, and my foster dad... hurt me really badly." Natsu squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the echo of Don's fist against his cheek.

"And everything just felt like it was hopeless and awful and I wanted to make it stop," he continued after a moment, "so I decided t-to... k-kill myself. I thought it would be easier if I was just dead." He felt Gray reach his hand over and twine their fingers together, squeezing gently. "And I felt so relieved when I finally decided to do it but Gray found me and I still feel so bad about that, and he saved my life and now I don't w-want to d-die."

He took a deep breath, tracing his thumbnail with his index finger and staring at the bookshelf behind the doctor. The books weren't shelved in any sort of order, and the urge to go move them around was almost overwhelming.

"I've been better lately, I don't feel like... that." Natsu swallowed. A plant on the shelf was also off-center. Natsu wondered if Dr Dvivedi realized how distracting his bookshelf was. "I mean, I've still... there's..." He glanced over at Gray, who squeezed his hand again.

"It's okay," Gray murmured softly. "I'm not going to be mad. And I can leave if you're more comfortable talking about this without me." Natsu shook his head.

"I still sometimes think about hurting myself. Like when my... when thinking things gets overwhelming and I don't feel like I can control it. But I haven't done it. And I'm so much happier, and I feel safe and not scared all the time."

Ahmit was scribbling down notes as Natsu talked, and when Natsu trailed off, he looked up and nodded at him. Natsu's eyes flicked around the office again, finally settling on what looked like a snow globe on the desk.

"Well, it looks like the psychiatrist at the hospital changed your medication," Ahmit said, glancing over his notes. "Did they explain the benefits and risks to you?" Natsu nodded hesitantly.

"He was pretty out of it," Gray interjected, rubbing a thumb over Natsu's knuckles. "But we have all the paperwork at home."

"Are you having any side effects?" Ahmit asked. Natsu glanced up from the snow globe and frowned. "The most common would be drowsiness, shaky hands, nausea, vomiting…" Natsu shook his head.

"Excellent," Ahmit said, pulling a sheet of paper out of his desk. "I'd like you to fill out a mood evaluation today." Natsu took the offered clipboard and pen. "I'm going to have you come every two weeks for the first while so we can monitor how you're feeling. If I think your medications are helping and you're feeling stable, we can cut that down to once a month. Do you have a counsellor right now? Or any interest in group therapy?"

Natsu let Gray describe the Creative Expressions program while he stared uncomfortably at the clipboard in front of him, bringing the pen to his mouth and biting on the lid.

 _In the past two weeks, how often have you been bothered by the following problems?_

 _Thoughts that you would be better off dead, or of hurting yourself_  
 _Not at all / Several days / More than half the days / Nearly every day_

Natsu pulled his legs up underneath himself, then shuffled until he was slightly more comfortable. Two weeks? The last two weeks had been vastly different from the two before that. He circled 'several days,' then moved on to the next question. Once he had filled out the rest of the questions as best he could, he shrugged and handed the clipboard back to Ahmit, who took it and glanced over the answers.

"It definitely seems like you've been feeling a lot better since you left the hospital," Ahmit said. "But you're still scoring in the mild to moderate range for depression." Natsu shifted in the chair again, dropping one leg back to the ground and pulling his hoodie sleeves over his hands. He had bought one with pre-cut thumbholes at Gray's suggestion.

"What can we do to help with that?" Gray asked. Ahmit leaned back in his chair and tapped at the papers in front of him.

"I'm going to refer you to a therapist that specializes in bipolar disorder and anxiety," he replied, rubbing his chin. "I also want you to do some bloodwork as soon as possible, and if you need to adjust the dosage of your medication I can call to let you know. Otherwise, I want you to make a follow-up appointment for two weeks from now."

Natsu sighed, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck and accepting the paperwork from Ahmit. It seemed like he was never going to be finished talking about his feelings.

"Thanks," he said quietly. Ahmit gave him a sympathetic look.

"Another thing I wanted to mention is our crisis line." He fished through his drawer and pulled out a business card. "If you're ever feeling suicidal again, or you want to hurt yourself, call this number. They can send a crisis team to your home or advise you to go to the hospital if they feel like you're in immediate danger." Natsu accepted the card, exhaling softly. "You have many people in your life who want you to be well, Natsu."

"I know," he murmured, standing up as Ahmit reached over and opened the door. "Thank you."

* * *

"My brain is so broken," Natsu complained from the passenger seat, running a hand through his hair. A bag of prescriptions rattled around in his lap, and he poked at it in annoyance. "How many pills do I have to take every day?"

"It's better than the alternative," Gray argued, rolling up his window and pulling away from the Starbucks drive-through. "And your brain isn't broken. It's just like having diabetes, it's not your fault. I take medication too, remember?"

"Ugggggh you're being all _reasonable_ _,"_ Natsu grumbled, squirming down in his seat and sipping at his frappuccino. He felt exhausted. Even though the appointment went well, talking about this stuff always left him feeling wrung out. Having group and the psychiatrist in the same day just made it worse. "I just wanna wallow right now, okay?"

"That's fair," Gray conceded. He glanced at the clock in the car and sighed. "We probably shouldn't do takeout _again_ , but it's already six and I _really_ don't wanna cook." He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, holding his coffee precariously in the other hand. "We could go to Ultear's, she wouldn't mind. Or we could get sushi."

"Sushi!" Natsu exclaimed, sitting up a bit. After a second, his expression fell. "Hey... I wanted to talk to you about that." Gray pulled up to a red light, then turned to look at Natsu, frowning.

"About sushi?"

"About money, dumbass." Natsu sighed. He could feel his ears getting red just thinking about the topic. "I mean, I have the money from the government now, but it's not much, and... I don't wanna freeload. I wanna help with rent and groceries and stuff. I've been thinking about getting a part-time job."

Gray was quiet as the light turned green and he moved forward.

"Well, the apartment is actually... I own it," he said after a moment. "There was inheritance stuff, and insurance, and court stuff from mom's... death. So there is no rent."

"Oh." Natsu blinked, then reached over and squeezed Gray's thigh. "I'm sorry. Not about the place, but about..." Gray smiled wistfully, tilting his head towards Natsu.

"Thank you." He was quiet for another minute. "Anyway, I only pay for utilities and internet. And Netflix, obviously. It's not much, I really... I don't mind. And the food is no big deal either. It's all... it's fine. Really." Natsu could see the tips of Gray's ears turning pink. "But I mean, having a job is probably a good idea. It would give you some structure. Have you thought about what you wanna do after group is over?"

"You mean school?" Natsu sighed, shifting closer and resting his head on Gray's shoulder. They were driving towards the ocean, and the last of the sun's rays were rippling across the water in muted shades of yellow and red. It filled Natsu with a sense of contentment.

"Mm. If you wanted." Gray yawned again, then took a sip of his coffee. "What did you want to be when you grew up? When you were a kid, I mean?"

"A firefighter," Natsu replied immediately, grinning at the memory. "I think all kids wanna be firefighters or police officers, though." Gray laughed. "But seriously, Laxus and I were talking about his electrician program, and he said the school has mechanic courses too. That might be fun."

"Is that at UM Tech?" Gray asked. He maneuvered into their parking spot and turned the car off, then looked over at Natsu.

"Mmm. It's part time, I think. Laxus said he could get me some information. And then I could work too." Natsu scrubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, feeling the exhaustion settle even deeper into his body now that they were so close to their bed. "Maybe I can learn how to fix this hunk of junk." He slapped a hand on the dashboard and Gray snorted.

"That sounds like a great idea," he said. Gray motioned for Natsu to exit the car, and they both headed to the building and took the stairs to the apartment. Happy meowed excitedly at them as Gray opened the door. "Tante Ophélie said that I could start the programming course in March, and it's part-time too. It's online though, so technically I wouldn't have to leave the apartment for anything except food."

"That sounds unhealthy," Natsu teased, kicking off his shoes and beelining for the couch. "Man, can you imagine it? Both of us in school, working jobs... it's like we're gonna be real adults or something."

Gray scoffed, flopping down next to him. Natsu immediately curled up with his head in Gray's lap, humming contentedly as Gray began to play with his hair. Gray pulled out his phone and scrolled to the app to order sushi.

"The usual?" he asked, and Natsu nodded sleepily. Gray was so warm, and now Happy was curled up against his stomach. He felt the exhaustion tugging at him, and let it pull him into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

The rest of the week flew by, and before Natsu knew it, it was Friday evening and Sylvie was barreling through the front door, crashing into Natsu's legs and then flying over to Gray to hug him as well.

"Uncle Na'su! Uncle Gray! Bye _maman_ _!"_ she shouted. Ultear laughed, rolling her eyes fondly at her daughter.

 _"J'espère qu'elle sera sage,"_ she said, then repeated herself in English for Natsu's benefit. "I hope she behaves herself. She's been a bit of a demon child lately." Natsu took in the tired look on Ultear's face and felt a pang of sympathy for her. He couldn't imagine looking after three kids every day.

"Don't worry, between the two of us I'm sure we can handle her," Natsu said. He crouched down next to Sylvie, letting her show him the toys in her backpack. "Enjoy your date!" Gray had explained that one of Ultear's friends watched the other two children every second Friday, while Gray took Sylvie.

"Believe me, we will," Ultear said, grabbing Sylvie by the back of her hoodie and giving her a kiss. " _Soit sage pour Uncle Gray et Uncle Natsu, tresor._ " Sylvie grinned at her innocently, then planted a kiss on her mother's cheek and ran down the hallway to her 'room' - a fold-up bed set up in the office. "All right, we'll see you tomorrow for brunch?" Gray nodded, hugging Ultear and then pushing her gently out the door.

"Go. Have fun." He shut the door behind her, then turned back to Natsu and pulled him in for a quick kiss. Natsu exhaled softly, amazed how his stomach still twisted pleasantly each time it happened. Gray leaned their heads together and sighed, then inclined his head toward the kitchen.

"Should I go start the pizza?"

 _"Livre!"_ Sylvie came running out of her room, clutching a stack of books in her chubby arms. Natsu couldn't help but laugh at the sight – her hair was pulled up in uneven pigtails, and she wore an oversized Dragonball Z hoodie over a pair of pink sparkly tights. She held up the books to Natsu, who took the stack and scanned the covers.

"Sure, let's go read while Uncle Gray makes supper," he said. Sylvie grabbed his hand and dragged him into the living room. She crawled up onto the couch, giggling as Happy leapt down and slunk off to hide in the bedroom. "Which one first?"

 _"Princesse!"_ she exclaimed gleefully, pointing at 'The Paper Bag Princess' and crawling into Natsu's lap. Natsu felt something inside of him soften at the sweetness of the gesture, and he leaned down to press a kiss to the top of her head.

"All right, but remember that Uncle Natsu's stories aren't always the same as the book," he reminded her. Sylvie adored reading but Natsu struggled with it (and most of her books were in French anyways), so he compromised and made up stories while she looked at the pictures.

"Yes!" She rested her head against his chest, playing absently with his hoodie strings while he wove a tale of brave princesses and terrible dragons.

* * *

After pizza, popcorn, chocolate-chip-cookie-dough ice cream, sixteen books, one lightsaber battle, 'A New Hope' _and_ half of 'Empire Strikes Back,' an application of sparkly blue nail polish – for all three of them – and a lullaby (which was just Gray singing "I'll Make a Man Out of You"), Sylvie was finally snoring softly on the cot in the office.

"Oh my _god_ kids are so much work," Natsu groaned, flopping face-first onto their mattress. "I mean she's cute as hell, but I can't imagine doing that every day." He rolled over as Gray collapsed next to him. "Do you..." He hesitated for a second. He wasn't sure if this was something you were supposed to ask a guy you'd only been dating for a week, but Natsu was curious. And it seemed like a good thing to get out of the way in the beginning of a relationship so it didn't cause problems down the line. "Have you ever... wanted kids? Of your own?"

"No," Gray said simply, rolling over to face Natsu. There wasn't any weight behind the words – just honesty. "And it's not because of trauma or loss or any of that. I've just never been interested in being a parent. It's a lot of work and commitment and money, and I'd rather do things. Travel. Buy a motorcycle. Get more tattoos." He shrugged. "Plus, if I feel like I'm missing out I can always babysit."

Natsu nodded, realizing that he wasn't surprised by the answer. He had never wanted children either and had always been told to _give it time, you'll change your mind someday_. He realized after a second that Gray had asked him the same question, and he shook his head.

"Sorry, zoned out." He pulled his legs up into a more comfortable position. "No, I don't want kids either. My brain problems are genetic, so there's that, and... I dunno. I feel like there's this expectation that I _should_ want kids because _I_ never got adopted, but... I just don't. And yeah, I could always babysit Kaden." He smiled as Gray leaned over and kissed him. "Wait a minute, did you say buy a motorcycle?"

"...yes?" Gray looked shy, suddenly. "I've always wanted one, I just never had the money. Maybe in a couple years." He rolled over and scooted up until his head was resting on the pillow, tugging Natsu up to join him. Once they were facing each other, he threw one of his legs over Natsu's and wrapped a hand around the back of his neck, running his fingers through Natsu's hair.

"I knew I was dating a badass," Natsu teased, pulling Gray's other hand to his mouth and kissing his knuckles. "Ever since you punched Gajeel to defend my honor."

"Oh my _god_ I was not defending your honor," Gray snorted, but he leaned in anyway and replaced his hand with his lips, kissing Natsu more firmly this time. Natsu sighed into the kiss, making a soft sound of surprise as Gray moved closer to him and then shifted until he was straddling Natsu's thighs.

"Did you lock the door?" Natsu murmured, reaching up and grasping Gray's hips, running his thumbs along the soft skin that dipped down beneath his jeans. Gray moaned softly into his mouth, pressing their foreheads together.

"Mhmm," he replied, running a hand down Natsu's jaw and nipping at his bottom lip. "But you have to promise to be quiet." Natsu breathed out a puff of laughter – Gray had given him hell several times for bothering the neighbors, but Natsu knew he secretly liked it. He brought a hand up to Gray's head and tugged it down a bit so that he could run his teeth over Gray's jaw. The soft noise that Gray made was exhilarating, and Natsu grinned. He doubted he could ever get tired of this.

"I'll do my best," he whispered, and then let himself go to the feeling of Gray's lips on his.

* * *

 **French Translations**  
J'espère qu'elle sera sage = I hope she's good/well-behaved  
Soit sage pour Uncle Gray et Uncle Natsu, tresor = Be good for Uncle Gray and Uncle Natsu, sweetheart (tresor=treasure)


	29. chapter 29

_we didn't break, we didn't burn  
_ _we had to learn how to bend without the world caving in  
_ _i had to learn what i got, and what i'm not, and who i am  
_ \- jason mraz, "i won't give up"

Gray was woken up by tiny feet kicking his thighs. He yawned, blinking down at Sylvie, who had managed to worm her way in between him and Natsu at some point during the night. He must have left the door unlocked when he got up to grab water at three in the morning.

"Hey, _coco,"_ he said sleepily, wrapping an arm around her as she nuzzled her face into his chest. The purple streaks in her hair were rubbing off onto his shirt, but he didn't mind. _"Tu as bien dormi?"_ Sylvie nodded, then squirmed out from under Gray's arm and sat up, bouncing on the bed.

 _"Piscine?"_ she asked eagerly. Gray laughed, realizing now that she was already wearing her swimming shorts and shirt. "Uncle Na'su _aussi?"_ They both looked over at the snoring lump that was Natsu – he was lying on his back with a hand thrown over his face, and Happy was curled up on his chest.

 _"Tu peux lui demander,"_ Gray replied, watching with a smile as Sylvie leaned over to Natsu and whispered in his ear.

"Come swimming!"

Natsu grumbled a bit, lifting his arm off his face and blinking at her blearily.

"Wake up, up, up!" Sylvie punctuated each up with a push of both hands on Natsu's chest, and he sighed theatrically, then rolled over on top of her. "Ahh! Off, you heavy!" she squealed.

"What's that?" Natsu asked innocently, looking up at Gray and grinning. "This bed isn't very comfortable." Gray snorted, trying not to be enchanted by Natsu's bed hair and sweatpants and the patch of skin that was showing where his shirt was pulled up.

"Not a bed!" Sylvie shouted, giggling uncontrollably. "Off!"

"Hmm, my bed appears to be talking," Natsu continued, rolling over once more and pinning Sylvie under his legs. "Aha! This isn't a bed at all! It's a Jedi!" He grabbed her under the armpits and began tickling her while she laughed and squirmed.

"Stop!" she squealed, and he let go of her immediately. She sat down in his lap and gave him a condescending look. "Not Jedi. Pirate!" She pointed at the skull and crossbones on her swim shirt, and Natsu glanced up at Gray, eyebrow raised.

"She picked it out, not me," Gray said.

"Pool! _Piscine!"_ Sylvie shouted, leaping from the bed and racing out into the living room. Natsu groaned and flopped back down onto the bed.

"What time is it?" he grumbled.

"You don't wanna know," Gray replied, slipping his pajamas and boxers down and pulling up his swim trunks. His hand hesitated over the shirt he normally wore in the pool to hide his scars. He must have stood there for longer than he realized, because suddenly a pair of warm arms were around his waist, and Natsu's chest was pressed into his back. Natsu didn't say anything, just pressed a soft kiss to the back of Gray's neck and then reached into the drawer, snagging Gray's second pair of swim trunks for himself.

"I have no idea how to swim," Natsu said, changing quickly and zipping up a hoodie over his bare chest. How did that manage to look so sexy? "So it's your job to keep me from drowning."

"You... how can you not..." Gray trailed off, realizing that Natsu's various foster homes probably hadn't paid to send their kids to swimming lessons like his own parents had. "Sorry." Natsu shrugged, moving closer and trailing his fingers down Gray's arm to his hand, which was still resting on the t-shirt.

"You don't have to be one hundred percent okay," he said softly, pressing one more kiss to Gray's shoulder and then heading out of the room to find Sylvie.

* * *

Gray ended up wearing the shirt. He had stood at the drawer for a lot longer than was probably necessary, trying to work through the tangled mess in his stomach. Natsu already knew – he had seen the scars, kissed them, worshipped them with the rest of Gray's body. Sylvie had seen them, too – she had been there when Gray woke up in the hospital, had asked him millions of questions about the new marks on his body that had somehow not been hurtful or upsetting.

But… what if someone else came in? As far as Gray knew, he was the only person in the apartment block who ever used the pool, but... what if? And even the thought of being somewhere – anywhere – without the scars covered up was terrifying. He was already anxious about reading the letters from Lyon later today, and he decided he didn't want to stress himself out any more than necessary.

They spent almost two hours in the pool. Sylvie spent eighty percent of the time jumping from the edge into the water, and the other twenty percent riding on Gray's back while he swam. Natsu was hesitant about going any deeper than his waist at first, but once he realized that he could just stay close to the edge, he joined them in the deeper water.

"Wha' 'sat?" Sylvie asked at one point, pointing at Natsu's bare forearm. Ever since the New Year's party, Natsu had been less shy about rolling up his sleeves or wearing short-sleeved shirts in public, so Gray wasn't surprised that he hadn't worn a shirt in the pool. Gray winced at Sylvie's question, but Natsu just looked thoughtful.

"You know how pirates sometimes have eye patches, or hook hands from the big battles they fight?" Natsu asked eventually, reaching out and letting Sylvie float while clinging to his arms. She nodded, uncharacteristically quiet. "They're kinda like that. I had some big battles, but they were in my head instead of in real life. So these are my scars from those battles."

Gray felt his throat tighten and a warm pressure behind his eyes at the gentle explanation, and he reached over to grab Natsu's hand. Natsu's eyes widened as Sylvie leaned her head down and pressed a kiss to the most recent scar.

"All better?" she asked, eyes serious. Natsu's face softened and his eyes were glistening as he smiled at her.

"All better," he whispered.

* * *

Brunch at Ultear and Xavier's house flew by in a hurricane of pancakes, bacon, and maple syrup in every single child's hair. Gray appreciated the soft weight of Natsu's hand on his thigh as they ate, but he couldn't keep anything down. His stomach twisted and churned, and he ended up just drinking coffee instead, tapping his fingers nervously on the table.

After breakfast was over, Natsu chased the kids off into the living room, where Gray could hear him telling stories. He smiled fondly, rubbing his eyes, then looked up at Ultear, who had come to sit next to him.

 _"Je vais les lire,"_ he blurted out, avoiding eye contact by examining the pattern on his mug. It was one of mom's – white with a blue sailboat. She had bought it when they took a family trip to Lunenburg to see the replica of the Bluenose schooner. Gray had been eleven, and after sailing for a day he had decided that he wanted to spend the rest of his life on the ocean.

 _"Es-tu certain?"_ Ultear's voice cut through Gray's memories and he sighed, setting down his coffee and running both hands through his hair.

"No," he admitted, then continued in French. "But I have to know. I need to know... why." Ultear nodded sadly, then reached over and grasped one of his hands. Gray pressed his tongue against his teeth. "Has he ever written to you?" Ultear shook her head.

"No, he has only ever sent letters for you." She squeezed his hand. "Please be careful. You might not find what you want."

"I don't even know what I want," Gray muttered, dropping his head to the table. "Can I... is it okay if I just have a quick nap before we go? Even just half an hour?" Exhaustion was dragging him down, but he was pretty sure it wasn't from their early morning swim.

"Of course, Gray," Ultear replied, standing up and tugging on his hand. He let her take his arm and help him to his feet, then buried his face in her shoulder when she wrapped him up in a hug.

"I miss the three of us," Gray said suddenly, the words muffled by Ultear's sweater. "I miss our snowball fights. And how he- Lyon and I would build that ice ramp for sledding and every single year one of us would get hurt." Ultear laughed, running her fingers through Gray's hair. "Remember how we would ride our bikes to the library and then race home to see who got the comfortable chair?"

"Lyon always won," Ultear said quietly, and Gray could hear the faint smile in her voice. "And you and I would share the porch swing instead." Gray hummed in acknowledgement, and Ultear was quiet for a moment. Then, in an even softer voice, she whispered, "I miss mom".

Gray stiffened for a moment but Ultear refused to let him leave her embrace, continuing to comb his hair with her fingers.

"It wasn't your fault," she murmured, and Gray gripped her sweater tightly. "I know you miss her too. I remember the first year you lived with us, you didn't talk, so mom would draw pictures for you and put them under your bedroom door."

"I had them all hung on my walls," Gray murmured, sniffling at the memory. "I kept every single one. I still have them."

"She loved you so, _so_ much." Ultear squeezed Gray tighter, pressing a kiss to his temple. "I miss her, and I miss Lyon, and I miss all three of us too. But I am still very, very angry at him, and I may not ever be able to forgive him for what he did to you."

Gray sighed, pulling back from Ultear and rubbing his eyes. There was a faint buzz in the back of his mind that was starting to feel overwhelming, so he didn't argue when Ultear directed him towards the guest room, telling him that she would explain everything to Natsu. As soon as he reached the bed he collapsed, and he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

* * *

"Don't push yourself," Ultear said softly, kissing Gray's forehead as he took the stack of letters from her hands. He shook his head slowly, not answering, and Ultear gazed over his shoulder at Natsu. "Make sure he takes care of himself."

"Always," Natsu said quietly, coming up beside Gray and nudging him with his shoulder. Sylvie came barreling down the hallway to say goodbye, holding a Lego creation in her hand.

"Uncle Na'su! Dragon!" She held it up and he crouched down next to her, taking it and running his fingers over it appreciatively. Gray smiled softly at them, feeling affection pushing back the anxiety in his mind.

"It's an awesome dragon," Natsu said, sweeping Sylvie up in a hug and squeezing her until she squealed at him to let her go, giggling all the while. She flopped down on the floor, peering up at Gray and frowning.

"Uncle Gray sad?" she asked. He sighed, kneeling down and reaching out to Sylvie. He hoped she'd never share this feeling of grief and anticipation and terror. She launched herself forward and buried her face in his shoulder, then leaned back and pressed her hands to either side of his face, looking at him with a frown. _"Moi aime quand toi content."_

 _"Moi aussi, j'aime être content, tresor,"_ Gray replied, placing his hand over one of hers and then switching to English for Natsu's sake. "But sometimes it's okay to be sad. I'll be fine. Uncle Natsu's gonna take care of me, okay?" Natsu reached over and ruffled Gray's hair, to Sylvie's delight. "I'll see you in five sleeps."

Gray leaned forward and kissed Sylvie's nose, then let Natsu help him up. His shoulder was aching today, and he knew Natsu had seen him pocket the painkillers before they left.

"Gray, just, please..." Ultear's hands were clasped in front of her chest, and Gray smiled thinly at her, trying to be reassuring. He could feel his hands shaking already, and was glad when Natsu grasped his elbow firmly.

 _"Tout va bien,"_ he insisted, tucking the letters into the inside pocket of his jacket. _"Je t'appelerai."_

The walk down to the car was silent, as was most of their drive. Natsu rested his hand lightly on Gray's thigh, drawing comforting patterns over Gray's jeans while he flipped through music on his phone. Gray noticed that the songs he chose were soft and mellow, and they helped calm the anxious finger-tapping he was doing on the steering wheel.

When they arrived at Freed's place, Gray sat in the driver's seat for a long time, staring out the window and chewing on his lip. Was he ready for this? Should he just burn them? Did he really need to know what Lyon wanted to say? Could he ever forgive him? What if he never forgave him and he carried around this anger and anxiety for the rest of h—

"It doesn't have to be today." Natsu's soft voice cut through the spiral of anxiety in Gray's mind, and he exhaled sharply, turning to look at Natsu. Gray's chest clenched at the sight of those soft brown eyes, the dusting of freckles across Natsu's nose, the way he was gazing at Gray with a mixture of concern and adoration.

"I know," Gray replied finally, releasing his grip on the steering wheel and tugging the keys from the ignition. "But I'm ready. I think." As he moved around to Natsu's side of the car, Natsu pulled Gray into a tight hug, pressing a quick kiss to his cheek.

"I'll be whatever you need."

Gray was surprised to see that Freed's place wasn't an apartment at all, but half of a duplex. Bix answered the door in a pair of sweatpants and an AC/DC hoodie, a curious-looking golden retriever peering out from behind him.

"Hey Bix, it's Gray and Natsu, how's it going?" Natsu lightly grasped Bix's forearm, and Bix returned the gesture, smiling.

"Good! Freed's baking cookies, come on in!"

Natsu immediately kicked off his shoes and darted down the hall towards the kitchen. Gray shrugged off his jacket and hung it in the closet, looking curiously at the dog. She was sitting as close as she possibly could to him, staring up at him with her tongue lolling out the side of her mouth. He'd never been around a service dog before.

"Bix, can I, uh... your dog is giving me a look," he said. Bix laughed, reaching into his pocket and tossing a couple of treats over to Gray.

"You can pet her, she's off duty. She's just a mooch – aren't you, Baby?" Baby's fluffy tail pounded on the floor, and she devoured the treats from Gray's hand, sniffing him eagerly for more. "If she's not wearing her vest or harness then she's fine to pet," Bix explained. Baby darted off down the hallway after Natsu, and Gray could hear him cooing at her from in the kitchen.

"Thanks for letting us come over," Gray said quietly, fiddling with the stack of envelopes in his hand.

"No problem," Bix replied, gesturing for Gray to follow him into the kitchen. Natsu was – predictably – on the floor with Baby, scratching behind her ears while she gazed at him adoringly. Freed waved at Gray, pulling a tray of what looked like oatmeal raisin cookies from the oven and setting them on a wire rack.

"Cookies are in the usual spot, Bix, but they just came out, please don't burn your tongue again," Freed chastised. "Would the two of you like to stay for dinner tonight?"

Natsu glanced up at Gray, giving him a look that said, whatever you need. Gray looked down at his shaky hands and hesitated.

"Can I see how I feel?" he asked finally. "After..." He held the envelopes out to Freed, who took them with a sad expression on their face. "I have some letters," Gray said to Bix quickly. "From my... brother. Freed said they would..."

"You don't need to explain." Bix smiled, reaching out and finding a cookie, then wincing at the heat on his fingers. "If you want me to clear out, I've got about a hundred pages of reading to do, and Freed would probably be thrilled if I took care of the pile of laundry upstairs." Freed made a soft _hmmph_ noise, but didn't disagree.

"It's... I don't th..." Bix ran his hand along the counter, felt for Gray's, and ran it up to his shoulder, squeezing gently.

"I'll be upstairs," he said. He grinned at the group, then moved into the kitchen and grabbed a plate, piling several cookies onto it.

"Thank you," Gray said softly. His chest ached and his stomach was a tangle of roiling knots.

"Anytime, my friend," Bix replied, clicking his tongue until Baby jumped up from Natsu's lap and followed him up the stairs.

"Should we move into the living room?" Freed suggested gently as Natsu got to his feet and moved over to Gray, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Gray nodded. Natsu grabbed a couple of cookies, then guided Gray over to the couch where they slumped down together. Gray felt a familiar numbness spreading through his body, interrupted only by dull throbs of pain from his shoulder.

"Gray, are you sure you want me to—"

"Yes." The tips of Gray's fingers were cold, and he pressed himself against Natsu, taking solace from the way Natsu's hand curled around his shoulder. "Please. I can't do it myself. I... I need to know."

Freed nodded, moving until they were sitting cross legged and brushing their hair over one shoulder. They picked up the first envelope, then looked cautiously at Gray before sliding their finger under the seal.

Gray felt his heart pounding in his chest, tightening his lungs and making it harder to breathe. Natsu ran a soothing hand up and down his back, and he tried to focus on the motion.

 _"Gray,"_ Freed read after a moment, their voice uncertain. _"J'ai commencé et recommencé cette lettre plusieurs fois, et pourtant je ne sais pas encore quoi écrire. Sais que je t'aime, je suis désolé, et que tu n'étais pas responsable pour la mort de notre mère."_

A sob broke out of Gray's throat and he brought a hand to his chest, trying to press away the tightness that was spreading there. Natsu made a soothing noise and grabbed one of Gray's hands, rubbing his thumb over the back in circles.

"C-can... you t-translate it?" Gray asked, wanting Natsu to understand.

"Of course," Freed said softly, starting over again in English. Their voice was soft and melodic, and it seemed to round out the harsh edges of Gray's memories.

 _Gray,_

 _I have written and re-written this letter over and over again, and I still can't find a way to start it. I want you to know that I love you, I'm sorry, and mom's death wasn't your fault. I don't deserve forgiveness, and I don't expect it from you. I don't know if these words mean anything from me, or if you'll just tear them to pieces. I know that what I did was unforgivable. I've done a lot of terrible things over the past five years, but hurting you was the most despicable thing I have ever done in my life. Writing it hurts. I can't imagine how much it hurt you._

 _I know there is nothing I can do to repair things. I'm going to be in here for a long time, and that is entirely my own doing. It's probably for the best. I'm clean now, for what it's worth. It makes the past clearer, though, and I can't overlook the terrible things I've done._

 _I'm sorry._

 _I love you._

 _It wasn't your fault._

 _Love,_

 _Lyon_

"Fuck," Gray whispered under his breath, watching Freed slowly set down the letter on the couch. He could feel his breath coming quicker, and his face was wet, and his hands were tingling, and there was a choked sound coming from the back of his throat...

"Gray, c'mere," Natsu whispered, tugging him backwards until his face was buried in Natsu's chest. Gray felt another sob escape his body, and his hands came up to grasp Natsu's shirt. "I'm here, I've got you." One of Natsu's arms wrapped around his back while the other came up to run through his hair. He rocked Gray gently back and forth, humming softly.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," Gray whispered letting the word build in his chest until he screamed it. "FUCK!" He pushed his forehead against Natsu's chest, sobbing. "It _hurts,"_ he whimpered, not knowing exactly what was referring to. "I don't want it, don't w-want it, don't want h-his apology, he c-can't be sorry, doesn't deserve it, I c-can't, I can't, I c-can't forgive him..."

"Gray, you don't have to forgive him," Natsu whispered. He was pressing soft kisses to Gray's temples now, and had shifted so that Gray was curled up between his legs.

"B-but, I feel... I'm j-just..." Gray took a shuddering breath, trying to sort out his emotions. "I'm s-so a-angry." That wasn't what he wanted to say, but whatever really felt was buried deep beneath the surface and he couldn't dig it out.

"You're allowed to be angry," Natsu replied, steady and present. "You can feel whatever you need to feel." Gray hiccupped again, and a wounded, desperate sound escaped his throat. All the hard walls he'd built around himself were so chipped and damaged. Natsu had kicked them down, and then all of these people had taken pieces, and pieces, and he'd let himself be loved by them, and now...

"He still _loves_ me," Gray choked, wiping his face with his sleeve. "He l-loves me and I'm his _b-brother so why did he HURT me?"_ It felt like he was drowning, taking deep, gasping breaths to keep air in his lungs.

"I don't know, Snowflake," Natsu said softly, pulling Gray tighter and wrapping both arms around his shoulders. Gray was vaguely aware that Natsu was crying too, running his hands from Gray's hair down to the base of his spine and back up again. "I wish I had the answers."

"I d-don't w-want him to love me..." Gray sobbed, choking on each breath. "I h-hate him." Natsu's fingers curled into the hair at the base of Gray's neck as he pressed their wet cheeks together.

"I know," he whispered, kissing Gray timidly. "I'm sorry. I wish I could make this easier for you." Gray returned the kiss, then dropped his forehead back to Natsu's chest and let his shoulders shake with sobs.

 _"Tabarnak,"_ he swore, squeezing his eyes shut. _"Enculé de fils de pute. Il peut aller se faire foutre."_ He exhaled wetly through the tears. _"Je le déteste, mais il me manque."_

"Oh, Gray," Natsu murmured. "I'm so sorry, Snowflake. I'm sorry. I'm here."

Natsu's gentle hands pressed into Gray's back, as if he was trying to pull Gray into himself to protect him from everything terrible.

"I love you," Natsu whispered.

Gray felt a sudden wave of relief wash through him, a tiny island of serenity and acceptance in this nightmare of tangled emotions. Natsu loved him. Loved him and hadn't hurt him, wouldn't hurt him, couldn't hurt him. It somehow made Lyon's words sting just a little bit less.

Gray wasn't sure how long they sat together, him curled up in Natsu's lap, Natsu's arms wrapped around him and gently caressing his back. Eventually the tears abated and Gray sat up a bit, dragging the sleeve of his sweater over his eyes.

"Hey, you," Natsu said softly, running a hand down the side of Gray's face. "Freed left after they read the letter – they're making you some tea." Gray swallowed, glancing over to the other end of the couch and seeing the stack of the other letters piled neatly on the coffee table. He pressed himself closer to Natsu and shivered. "D'you wanna go home?"

"No," Gray said quietly, surprised by his own words. "That was... I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't that. And it's a lot to think about, and maybe being distracted is a good idea right now?" Natsu nodded, kissing Gray's temple and relaxing back into the couch.

"Is there anything I can do?" he asked. Gray huffed out a laugh, squirming into a cross-legged position.

"You already do so much," he replied, resting his hand on Natsu's ankle and squeezing. "And... you know I..." He felt like he needed to respond to Natsu's earlier words, but he felt like a simple _I love you, too_ was just... cheap.

"Don't," Natsu said gently, resting his head on Gray's shoulder. "When you're ready." He tipped his head up and kissed Gray's cheek, then nudged for him to look over at Freed, who had just come back into the living room.

"I brought out a few different types of tea, I wasn't sure what you like," they said, setting a tray down on the coffee table and then perching on the couch next to Gray. "I'm sorry. I don't know what happened with your brother, but this seems like an enormous step for you."

"He... shot me," Gray said quietly, tightening his grip on Natsu's ankle. He had done this once. He could do it again. This is what he had to do – pick at this wound, excise it over and over and over until it was nothing more than a thin silver scar. "Can I... tell you what happened?"

"Of course," Freed replied, tugging their cardigan off and throwing it over the back of the couch, then settling down next to Gray. Gray took a deep breath, fighting the dizziness that was pushing against the inside of his skull.

"Lyon blamed me for our mom's death," he started, and the words began to tumble out of him, awkward and stuttered. But it was easier than the first time. Maybe next time would be even easier, and the time after that, and eventually he might even be able to say Lyon's name without flinching. Was this what recovery felt like? He hoped so. Because here, curled up on Freed's couch, tucked in between two people he cared for, Gray felt like one day, he might actually be better.

* * *

 **French Translations**  
Tu as bien dormi? = Did you sleep well?  
Piscine = pool  
Tu peux lui demander = you can ask him  
Je vais les lire = I'm going to read them (the letters)  
Es-tu certain? = Are you sure?  
Moi aime quand toi content = Me like when you happy  
Moi aussi, j'aime être content, trésor = I like to be happy too, sweetie  
Tout ira bien = It'll be fine  
Je t'appelerai = I'll call you  
Enculé de fils de pute. Il peut aller se faire foutre. = Motherfucking son of a bitch. He can go fuck himself.  
Je le déteste, mais il me manque. = I hate him, but I miss him.


	30. chapter 30

_my head's underwater but i'm breathing fine  
_ _you're crazy and i'm out of my mind  
_ ll of me, john legend

"Bickslow Kristof Ketzler, if you put down one more goddamn plus four card, I swear to god I will end you."

Bix tipped his head back and laughed at Ever, then reached out to the centre of the coffee table and dropped his card on the pile.

"Oh, fuck you," Ever grumbled, picking up her cards and adding them to her ever-growing hand.

"Uno is harsh," Natsu commented. "Middle-naming is serious business." Play passed to Freed, who stared at their cards intently, playfully pushing Laxus away when he tried to peek at them.

"Right, so we need to learn your middle names so we can shame you in the same manner," Ever said, grinning as she took a sip of her drink. She had come home from work shortly after Gray had finished talking with Freed, and Laxus had shown up not long after. Freed and Bix had made them all supper, and now they were relaxing in the living room together. Or rather, most of them were relaxing. Ever seemed like she might kill Bix at any moment, judging by the number of cards in her hand.

"I don't have a middle name," Natsu replied, leaning back against Gray. He was sitting on the floor between Gray's legs since Freed didn't have enough chairs. Ever looked over curiously at him and Natsu shrugged. "Sorry, this is kind of a downer – my mom was high when I was born and they only reason CPS knew to put 'Natsu' on the birth certificate is cause my dad was kinda with it and wrote it down."

"That's fucked up," Bix commented, and Baby thumped her tail on the floor, seemingly in agreement. She was half under Bix's chair, half leaning on Natsu. "I'm sorry, my friend." Natsu made a noncommittal sound, feeling a strange twisting in the pit of his stomach. Gray was the only person he'd ever told about his mom and the drugs.

"It's not a big deal," Natsu said, leaning into the hand that had appeared in his hair. Gray's fingers combed through the tangles and Natsu sighed happily. It was reassuring to know that Gray could read him well enough to know when he needed that kind of gentle comfort. "Just meant my foster parents could never middle-name shame me when I got in trouble. Which was... often."

"Looks like we'll have to get creative," Freed said, dropping their card on the table. "Blue pick up two." Laxus groaned and bumped his ankle against Freed's, hooking his foot around Freed's leg and giving them an exasperatedly fond look. "Laxus Oleskij, it's your turn."

"Mhmm." Laxus looked unashamed of his middle name as he grabbed two more cards from the pile. "And you, 'just Freed,' are a cheater."

"I got rid of my middle names when I came out," Freed explained as Gray shuffled through his cards. Natsu must have given Freed a curious look, and they smiled at him. "I changed my name, it was too... obviously gendered. So were my middle names." They fiddled with their cards absently. "My parents are..."

"Assholes?" Laxus supplied gruffly, looking protective. Freed reached over and rested a hand on his knee.

"That, sometimes," they admitted. Natsu gazed at Freed for a moment, taking in their long, intricately braided hair, their delicate facial features, their flat chest, their black leggings and off-the-shoulder top. It had never occurred to Natsu to try to guess their 'assigned' gender. "I like to think that their religion guides them in directions that make acceptance difficult."

"You give them too much credit," Laxus said, resting his hand over Freed's. His usually impassive face looked dark and fierce.

"They're my parents, love." Freed smiled and leaned over, resting their forehead against Laxus'. Then they turned and nodded for Gray to take his turn.

"Plus four, darling," Gray said with mock sweetness, leaning over and kissing Natsu's cheek as he dropped his card into the pile. "And the new color is red." Natsu felt a blush creep into his cheeks at Gray's use of the word _darling_.

"You _fucker,"_ he grumbled, drawing new cards from the pile as Gray laughed. "Fine then, what's your middle name? Anything embarrassing?" He felt Gray tense behind him, and he glanced up, frowning. "What's wrong?"

"I'd… rather not," Gray admitted quietly, looking just to the left of Natsu's gaze. "You'll just have to be creative for me, too." He glanced up at the group and attempted to look unconcerned, but Natsu could see that pain and unhappiness were hidden under the fake smile.

"Of course," Laxus rumbled, nodding his head at Gray. Natsu rested his arm on Gray's thigh, squeezing it gently. He was curious, but he knew better than to push Gray when he didn't want to talk.

"All right Ever, lucky for you I don't have any more plus fours," Bix said, grinning and running his fingers over the braille on the edge of his card.

"Thank go- are you fucking kidding me?" Ever glared down at Bix's final card that was now resting on the top of the pile. "You didn't even say Uno!"

"Nobody called me on it!" Bix protested. He was right, nobody had been paying attention to anyone else's hands. Ever leaned over and punched him in the shoulder.

"You are such a jerk!" she exclaimed. Bix chuckled, patting her hand gently.

"Oh, my dearest Beatrice Gertrude," he said, grinning. Natsu giggled as her face turned bright pink.

"Oh my fucking god," she said, sighing. "My parents are Shakespeare professors, okay? My horrible name is not my fault." She groaned, throwing, down her cards on the couch in defeat. Natsu was pretty sure she had ended up with almost twenty. "Thankfully my mom gave me a nickname or I'd be stuck being called 'Bea' for the rest of my life. What the hell were they thinking?"

"Beatrice isn't the worst name," Natsu argued as they all tossed their cards down on the table. "I was in a group home once with someone whose name was Lovechild. Like, that was her actual name. Her birth parents were super hippies." Gray snorted from behind him. "What else… there was this guy named Rage and he was unsurprisingly a huge asshole."

"Rage?" Laxus asked in disbelief. "What… the fuck."

"It's a self-fulfilling prophecy," Natsu agreed, scratching Baby's head. She rolled onto her back, tongue lolling from her mouth. "Bix, I might have to kidnap your dog."

"Natsu, you monster," Bix faux-gasped. "You would steal a blind man's guide dog? Have you no shame?"

"I'm pretty sure your dog has no shame," Natsu retorted as Baby inched even closer to him – she was almost entirely in his lap at this point. Gray leaned down across Natsu's shoulders to scratch behind her ears and she panted happily. "Gray, we need a puppy."

Gray snorted, pressing a kiss to Natsu's cheek and sitting up again. He stretched, then accepted the bowl of chips that Laxus was passing around the table.

"Somehow I don't think Happy would be too excited about that," he said. Natsu sighed dramatically, leaning back on Gray's legs. "Besides, you don't _really_ want a puppy. You just want to _snuggle_ puppies. Go volunteer at the SPCA or something." Natsu huffed, but didn't disagree.

"She is a lot of work," Bix agreed, clicking his tongue and reaching down. Baby immediately jumped out of Natsu's lap, ignoring his whispered traitor, and sat in front of Bix, nuzzling his hand.

Natsu reached up and squeezed Gray's hand cautiously – he seemed okay, but Natsu knew how good he was at hiding how he was really feeling. Gray squeezed back, then began to trace his thumb over Natsu's wrist. He brushed over the row of burns there and Natsu winced, but Gray didn't stop, just continued the soothing motion, and Natsu slowly relaxed.

"Well, Bix is now winning by… four hundred and eighty-three points?" Freed said incredulously, and Bix snickered. Laxus grabbed the tally sheet from Freed's hand, frowned at it, then tossed it back on the table.

"Okay, I'm not watching Bix win a fourth game," Ever said, standing up and stretching. "I'm gonna make popcorn. Anyone wanna play MarioKart?"

* * *

They left Freed's place much later than they had expected, and only after Gray had soundly beat every single person in MarioKart. Before they left, Freed had packed up leftovers and made them promise to come back again next weekend.

"Snowflake?" Natsu said quietly. "You okay?"

Gray was standing in the front entrance of the apartment, gaze unfocused, gently clenching and unclenching his fists while he breathed steadily. Natsu took a step toward him but Gray shook his head, so Natsu stood against the opposite wall and waited. Gray had been silent and tense the whole drive home, so Natsu had been prepared for worse.

Eventually, Gray relaxed the tension in his arms and exhaled, then reached out for Natsu, pulling him close and wrapping his arms around him. Natsu pressed a kiss into Gray's hair.

"It's Jean-Yves." Gray's voice was muffled against Natsu's shoulder, and Natsu frowned at the words, gently tugging Gray back until they were looking at each other. "My middle name," Gray clarified, keeping his gaze on the ground. "It's Jean-Yves."

 _Oh._ Natsu immediately recognized the name as the uncle who had killed Gray's mom. No wonder Gray didn't want to tell anybody.

"I'm sor—"

"No." Gray covered Natsu's mouth with his hand, then dropped it slowly, dragging his fingers over Natsu's lips. "No more apologies. I don't want to talk about this anymore." Natsu nodded, grabbing Gray's wrist and pressing a kiss to the palm of his hand. "Remember… at Christmas? You said you could help me forget?"

"Mmhmm," Natsu replied, running his teeth up Gray's thumb and pressing another kiss there. Gray shivered, stepping closer.

"I need you to make love to me," Gray whispered, grabbing Natsu's arm and pulling it around his waist. Natsu's breath hitched and he groaned softly at Gray's words. "Make it so that all I can think of is you." Gray's voice dropped into an almost-whisper, lips brushing Natsu's ear. Natsu shuddered, biting down gently on Gray's thumb. "Make it so the only thing I can say is your name."

"Fuck, Gray," Natsu moaned, moving his hand up to the back of Gray's head and fisting his fingers roughly in Gray's hair.

"Th-that's the idea," Gray gasped, tipping his head back and pressing his hips forward against Natsu's. "Please."

"I've never…" Natsu hesitated, but Gray shook his head, tipping Natsu's chin up and biting his bottom lip gently.

"Me neither. It's okay. I'll help you." He kissed Natsu, open-mouthed and soft and full of affection. "I trust you." Gray backed up slowly and tugged on Natsu's hand, and they made their way to the bedroom, where Natsu backed Gray up towards the bed.

"Take this off," Natsu murmured, grasping the bottom of Gray's shirt and tugging it up. His own shirt followed, and then he pushed Gray back on the bed, straddling his thighs. "You okay?"

"Y-yeah," Gray said breathlessly, propping himself up on his elbows. "I want you. And… it's not just because I'm sad or angry." He let out a soft sigh as Natsu leaned forward and ran gentle hands up his chest. "That's part of it, but… I want this. Please."

"Okay," Natsu whispered. He pressed gently on Gray's chest until Gray was lying back with his head on the pillow. "Let me take care of you."

Natsu's lips started just below Gray's ear, caressing the soft skin there and then trailing down Gray's neck to the hollow of his throat. Natsu kept his teeth out of it for now – that was for when they were clashing together, hard and fast and breathless. This was… something else.

Gray moaned as Natsu's lips drifted down his chest, stopping at the edge of his scar. Natsu brushed his lips against the raised, white area and Gray shuddered underneath him. This wasn't the first time Natsu had touched Gray here, but every time he did it, Natsu felt like he had to remind Gray how much he cared for him.

"You're brave," Natsu murmured as he kissed along the border of the scar, then dragged his tongue to the centre. His left hand wrapped around Gray's ribs, fingers tucked under him, while Natsu's right hand reached up to grasp Gray's wrist. "You're perfect."

Natsu made his way lower down Gray's chest, pressing soft kisses as Gray moaned and arched his back beneath him. When he reached the edge of Gray's jeans, Natsu moved upward again, then turned his attention to the left side of Gray's body. He wasn't sure how long he spent kissing and caressing and whispering soft words, but by the time he reached Gray's pants the second time, Gray was a panting, shaking mess underneath him.

"Okay?" Natsu asked, fingers resting lightly over Gray's belt buckle.

"Yes," Gray whispered shakily. "Please, yes."

Natsu undid the buckle, then the button of Gray's jeans and the zipper, taking his time as Gray whined and arched up toward him. He slid each layer down Gray's legs, tossing the garments in a pile on the floor, then got rid of his own clothes as well. When he came back to the bed and settled in between Gray's legs, Gray looked down at him with an expression of longing.

"Fuck, you're incredible," Natsu whispered, leaning down and pressing a kiss to the inside of Gray's hip. Gray gasped and jerked upward, so Natsu grasped his thighs to keep him still and repeated the motion on the other leg.

"Natsu," Gray whispered, one hand fisted in the bedsheets, the other grasping Natsu's shoulder. "I want..." Natsu continued to press kisses everywhere but where Gray wanted them, then looked up and grinned.

 _"Demande gentiment,"_ he said, and Gray groaned, eyes widening in surprise.

 _"S'il te plaît,"_ he begged, voice breaking. Natsu smiled, then dropped his head back down and took Gray's cock into his mouth, slowly and gently, revelling in the noises Gray made. They had done this a few times now, but each time Natsu learned more about Gray's body, about what he liked, what pulled those soft moans and gasps out of him.

"Natsu, fuck…" Gray's voice shook and his fingers carded through Natsu's hair as he shuddered and arched on the bed. After a minute, Natsu felt the grip on his hair tightening. "I want… please, I need…"

Natsu hummed, then pulled away gently as a soft whine escaped Gray's throat. He pressed one more kiss to the inside of Gray's thigh, then shuffled up to grab the lube and a condom from side table drawer. Then he leaned down and kissed Gray again, running his tongue over Gray's lip and drawing it into his mouth.

"Are you sure about this?" Natsu asked, gasping as Gray leaned up and bit gently where his neck met his shoulder. Natsu's whole body was shaking, vibrating with a nervous energy that made everything a thousand times more sensitive. He wasn't sure if he was asking for Gray's sake or his own.

"Yes," Gray whispered in his ear. "Yes. I want you. Please." Natsu nodded and brushed his lips over Gray's cheek, moving back down and settling between his legs. Gray had done this to him several times now, but the idea of screwing it up or making it not enjoyable for Gray was terrifying.

Gray must have noticed Natsu's hesitation, because he pushed himself up on his elbows again and gave Natsu a soft smile. "Do you want me to help you?" he asked. Natsu nodded shyly.

So Gray showed him. Guided Natsu's hands, his mouth, his body. Kissed him gently when he fumbled, made soft gasps of pleasure when he didn't. They took their time, movements slow and languid, and when Natsu was finally inside of Gray, they were both shaking and panting and trembling.

 _Gods_. Natsu stilled, letting Gray get used to the feeling. Everything was bright sparks, and there was heat everywhere they touched, and Gray was making these soft pleading sounds that made Natsu simultaneously feel like he was going to die and that he had never been more alive.

"Holy shit, Gray," he gasped, pressing his forehead against Gray's chest as Gray's fingers scraped patterns over his back. Then he felt Gray's thigh nudging him to move, and he did. "You're amazing," he murmured.

"Natsu," Gray moaned, hands roaming everywhere – Natsu's hair, his back, his arms, his face. Gray's eyes were shut and his face was tight and he looked right on the edge of falling apart. Natsu's arms shook as he rocked into his boyfriend, again and again until they were both trembling and panting. Natsu shifted a bit and Gray's eyes flew open, locking onto Natsu's as his chest rose and fell.

The moment stretched until it felt like Natsu had lived it a thousand times – Gray's wide, almost frightened stare, his trembling lower lip, the sheen of sweat across his chest, his hand cupping Natsu's cheek. And then Gray was throwing his head back, eyes screwed shut and mouth falling open, fingers digging into Natsu's hips as he whispered his name over, and over, and over.

Natsu couldn't hold himself back and he found himself falling, too – leaning forward and letting Gray's lips muffle his long, low moan. Everything was sparks and fire and hot release. His entire body felt heavy, suddenly, and he collapsed forward onto his elbows, panting and shaking.

"Fuck," Natsu whispered, dropping his forehead to Gray's chest. Gray made a weak sound of agreement, arms coming up slowly to wrap around Natsu's shoulders. They lay like that for several minutes until Natsu needed to roll off the bed, tossing the condom in the garbage and handing Gray his pajamas.

Natsu slipped into his own sweatpants, feeling a deep, satisfied type of exhaustion flooding through his body. Slipping under the covers, he wordlessly nudged Gray over, then curled up behind him, wrapping an arm around his waist. Gray sighed softly, melting into the embrace as Natsu kissed the back of his neck.

"Thank you," Gray murmured, fingers moving down Natsu's arm to entwine with his own. Happy jumped up onto the bed with a satisfied purr, then plunked himself down against Gray's chest, tail wrapped over his nose.

"Mmmm I think I should be thanking you," Natsu said sleepily, shifting his arm until it was underneath the pillow. He nudged one of his legs between Gray's and rubbed his thumb absently over Gray's stomach. "You're incredible."

Gray hummed quietly, tipping his head back to give Natsu a quick kiss. Natsu returned it and then yawned, squirming slightly until he was completely comfortable. The last thing he heard before he drifted off to sleep was Gray, quietly whispering, "I love you, too."

* * *

 **French Translations**  
Demande gentiment = ask nicely  
S'il te plait = please


	31. chapter 31

_if you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the see  
_ _i'll sail the world to find you  
_ _if you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see  
_ _i'll be the light to guide you  
_ \- bruno mars, "count on me"

The next two weeks passed in a blur of group, counseling, psychiatrist appointments, babysitting, family dinners, work, and game nights at Freed's. Gray felt like he and Natsu had settled into a comfortable routine, and Gray was more than happy to admit that waking up next to someone was one hundred times better than sleeping alone. Things weren't perfect – Natsu still struggled with his depression and thoughts of self-harm, but the new medication and visits with his psychiatrist were helping.

It was the Saturday before the last week of group, and they were over at Freed's again. Natsu was in the kitchen with Bix, helping him prepare supper, and Freed and Gray were curled up on the couch in the living room drinking tea. Gray's hands were still shaking a bit from reading Lyon's most recent letter, but it hadn't hit as hard as the first one.

 _"Ça va?"_ Freed asked, reaching over and resting a hand on Gray's knee. This was the third letter they'd gotten through. After the first one, Lyon's letters had mostly been about happy memories of their childhood, or descriptions of his time in the gang.

 _"J'irai bien,"_ Gray replied, voice shaky. "It's just hard to remember all those things." Freed nodded sympathetically, leaving their hand on his leg. "It's like he was two different people, and I don't really know one of them."

"I'm sorry," Freed said softly, sipping their tea. "I wish I could help more."

Gray sighed, resting his own hand over Freed's. He'd been growing more and more comfortable with touching other people and letting them touch him, and he felt like he was developing a deeper kind of relationship with Freed than with the others. Maybe it was the shared language, but they spent a fair amount of time texting and had even gone out for coffee a few times.

"You do help," Gray said finally, draining the rest of his tea and setting it on the coffee table. "Is everyone coming over tonight?" he asked, changing the subject. Freed nodded, stretching and adjusting the beanie that covered most of their hair today.

Gray suddenly felt his phone buzz in his pocket and pulled it out, frowning when Gajeel's name popped up on the caller ID. They had been much more friendly with each other over the last few weeks, but getting a call from Gajeel still seemed unusual. Gray looked at Freed, raising his eyebrows and answering the call.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Gray... I'm, uh, so can you maybe..." Gajeel's voice was shaky and unclear, and Gray was about to ask what was going on when he heard a woman's voice arguing with him, and then the phone changing hands.

"Hi Gray, it's Levy." She sounded slightly out of breath.

"Um. Hi?" Gray frowned at Freed as he waited for an explanation for the call.

"So, I'm in labor," she began, and Gray nearly smacked himself.

"Oh... Jesus, I'm an idiot, that's..." He stammered a bit and brought the phone away from his ear, changing it to speaker so Freed could hear.

"Yeah, it's pretty much the worst," she agreed mildly, then groaned in pain. "Anyway – _fuck, what the fucking shit hell goddamn shit fuck, drive faster Gajeel!"_ There was a pause while she caught her breath. Gray and Freed both looked at each other, frowning. Levy was generally pretty mild-mannered and rarely swore.

"Can I... help with something?" Gray asked tentatively, after the string of expletives had passed.

"Yes!" Levy exhaled sharply. "Gajeel's driving me to the hospital now, of course we have no idea how long – _moooooootherfucker_ – it'll take. Ryos is at, ah... some kind of theatre thing? At his school? And we were hoping that you might be able to pick him up... and maybe... if he could stay with you tonight?" With each question, her voice became more and more desperate.

"Of course," Gray said automatically. He hadn't had much of an opportunity to hang out with Ryos as a teenager as opposed to when he was a kid, but he seemed to be smart and sarcastic, which Gray kind of found endearing. "Just text me the address. And... good luck?"

* * *

Gray felt like an awkward, dorky dad as he stood in the atrium of Ryos' high school, waiting for drama club to end. A few actual parents were there and kept giving Gray strange looks, and he started to empathize with Gajeel. Becoming a Ryos' guardian at nineteen couldn't have been easy.

"Gray?" Ryos appeared in front of him, hair pulled back in a messy bun, dressed in a pair of skinny jeans and a dark hoodie that said _I can't, I have rehearsal_ written in fluorescent pink script across the chest. A rainbow of hair ties were wrapped around Ryos' wrist, and his fingernails were painted sparkly purple. "What are you doing here?"

"Levy went into labor," Gray explained, shoving his hands into his back pockets. All the other teens milling around were making him feel old. "She asked if you could stay with us tonight while they're at the hospital. Is that okay?"

Ryos' expression immediately darkened and he looked pointedly at the floor, wrapping his arms across his chest.

"We were at Freed's for board games, Natsu's still there and they're gonna save us some leftovers," Gray said awkwardly, trying to make it sound more like hanging out and _not_ like babysitting. "Is that okay?" Ryos nodded reluctantly.

"Yes. Thank you," he said begrudgingly, and Gray tried to remember that he was fifteen, and the act of expressing gratitude was in itself impressive. "I need some things from home."

The drive to Gajeel's place was quiet but not necessarily awkward, and Gray waited outside while Ryos packed an overnight bag. When Ryos finally got back in the car, he crossed his arms and looked ahead stoically, chewing his bottom lip.

"You wanna grab something from Starbucks?" Gray offered. Gajeel had mentioned a few times in group recently that he was worried that something was going on with his brother, but hadn't been able to get Ryos to open up about it. Gray could see where his concern was coming from, although it was unclear if this was average teenage moodiness or something more serious.

"Oh. Um... yes," Ryos replied, sounding surprised. "Please?"

Gray took the next turnoff and pulled into the drive through, laughing when Ryos' order was almost identical to his own. Ryos thanked him politely, then continued to sit in silence, not making eye contact with Gray.

"Are you worried about the baby?" Gray asked finally, after a few minutes of listening to some shitty radio station. Natsu had figured out some way to connect his iPod to the car – which was a miracle because iPods certainly hadn't been invented when this car was made – but Gray couldn't figure out the adaptor.

"Not really," Ryos admitted, sipping his coffee. "I don't mind kids. Gajeel's been so nervous, I just... I wanna help. I don't know much about babies though." Gray smiled, changing lanes and taking a different exit. It would still get them to Freed's but would add another twenty minutes to the drive. Maybe he could get Ryos to open up a bit.

"Neither did I when my niece was born," Gray admitted, leaning back in his seat and glancing over at Ryos. "I was a couple years older than you, but she was terrifyingly tiny." Ryos made a face.

"Like, what if I drop her?" he said worriedly. His fingers tapped an anxious pattern on his coffee cup. "Or like, fuck up somehow." He winced at the curse. "Sorry."

"I'm not your parent, I don't care if you swear," Gray said mildly. "Pretty sure I said a lot worse at your age." Then _he_ winced. "Oh my god, pretend I didn't say that. I hate people who said _when I was your age."_ Ryos actually laughed, settling a bit more comfortably into his seat. The area that they were driving through was heavily wooded, and the sunset cast dappled shadows through the car.

"Gajeel always acts like he knows what my life is like," Ryos said after a minute. "But he's seven years older than me. And he didn't even go to high school."

Gray nodded, remembering their afternoons hanging out in the abandoned parking lot by Jellal's old place. Gajeel would drag Ryos along after school – back then Ryos had been much shyer, hiding behind his long hair and baggy sweaters.

"Is school… okay?" Gray asked. He knew he wasn't being particularly tactful, but this wasn't an area where he had any experience.

"School's fine," Ryos said, a little too quickly, but his slumped shoulders and furrowed brow said otherwise. Gray waited patiently as Ryos picked at invisible lint on his clothes. "It's just… I don't…" Ryos sighed in frustration. "People are dicks."

"Yeah, they can be," Gray said softly. He remembered himself at sixteen – mom was dead, they had just moved to a new town, the kids in his class were assholes and he had ended up dropping out for a while rather than face how he felt. "But not all of them. You've got Sting, right?" A look of hurt and confusion flashed across Ryos' face and Gray frowned. "Is something wrong?"

"No," Ryos said hurriedly. He paused and brought the cup stopper between his teeth, chewing it anxiously. "Maybe. Yes." Gray looked over at him, trying to figure out how to help, but before he could say anything, Ryos started speaking again. "Can… if I tell you something, do you promise not to tell anyone?"

"Ryos…" Gray sighed, pressing his tongue against his teeth and pulling over to the side of the road. This seemed like something he needed to devote his entire attention to. He felt so torn. One the one hand, he wanted Ryos to trust him, but he was also responsible for Ryos' safety. "Yes… unless you're hurting yourself, or someone is hurting you. Or I think it's dangerous." Ryos immediately shook his head.

"No," he insisted. "That's not it." He shuffled in his seat and grabbed his jacket, clutching it to his stomach. "I'm… school is hard, because I'm not like everybody else." Ryos' eyes were firmly trained on his shoes, and he sniffled a bit. "And I haven't told Sting 'cause I'm scared he won't like me anymore and I really like him, and I don't want him to freak out and leave, but I don't want to be scared of…" He trailed off, making a frustrated sound.

"Whatever's going on sounds confusing," Gray said slowly, trying to remember how Mira spoke to him when he was struggling to express something in group.

"Mmm." Ryos sniffed again, rubbing his face. He finally looked up at Gray and sighed. "I'm trans." He immediately buried his face in his jacket, cheeks and ears flaming red. Gray was caught off-guard for a second, then breathed a sigh of relief. This was something he was pretty sure he could deal with.

"I'm… thank you for telling me," he said gently. "I'm glad you feel like you can trust me." Ryos nodded but didn't say anything. "Do you want a hug?"

"No," Ryos said softly. "I appreciate it, but please don't touch me." Gray nodded, picking up his coffee and sipping it while he contemplated what to say. Vehicles passed them on the highway, shaking the little car as they went by.

"I hope this goes without saying, but you being trans has zero impact on how we all see you as a person," he said eventually. Ryos made an unintelligible sound, but didn't lift his head. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I dunno," Ryos sighed, sitting up a bit and rubbing his face. "I've known since I was seven. Dad didn't really understand and just kept saying I was… his daughter." Ryos winced. "But Gajeel's always been surprisingly cool. After dad died, I switched schools and Gajeel went to the principal to talk to them about stuff, like me using the boy's washroom and changing my name. But none of the other kids know, and Sting doesn't know, and he's gay and if he finds out I'm… I mean, I'm n-not a girl, but I have a g-girl's _body,_ and what if he h-hates that?"

Ryos' chest started shaking, and he wiped furiously at the tears flowing down his face. This was the real issue, then. Gray sighed, wishing he could promise Ryos that everything would be okay.

"You can't predict what will happen if you tell him," Gray said finally. "And if you're planning on being intimate, it's not something you're going to be able to hide." Ryos' face turned an even deeper shade of red beneath his tears, and he groaned in embarrassment. "I know, I'm old and gross and shouldn't be talking about sex," Gray teased. Ryos huffed. "But is that what made you think about telling him?"

Ryos frowned, fear and hesitation flickering across his face. He began to chew on his thumbnail.

"I'm not going to tell Gajeel," Gray assured him. "You're a teenager, and if he thinks he can stop you from having sex, he's… well, naïve. If that's something you want to talk about, it can stay between you and me." He hoped his words sounded authentic. "As long as you're being safe and smart and taking care of yourself."

"Yeah," Ryos said eventually. "I want to… do things… with Sting." He swallowed. "Like not sex yet but other stuff. But I'm scared he'll hate my body." He ran a finger under the hair ties on his wrist, letting them snap back into place. "And I…" He exhaled sharply, staring intently at the floor. "I… _dontevenknowhow."_ His face was flushed, but he kept going. "Like, we had sex ed and they talk about… stuff… but like, never how to… y'know… as a trans guy."

Gray's chest twisted. No wonder Ryos had been depressed and withdrawn lately. This was a lot to be carrying around.

"You've got a lot of questions," Gray said after a moment. "I wish I could answer all of them, but I'm not really qualified." Ryos looked both relieved and disappointed at the same time. "From… my experience, sex is best when you trust each other, and talk about what you want and need." He fiddled with the rim of his coffee cup. "And I don't think there's one right way to have sex. That goes for if you're cis or trans or anywhere in between."

Ryos nodded, the color in his cheeks fading a bit. Gray was actually impressed at how mature he was being. Natsu _still_ laughed at the word 'dick' and he was almost technically an adult.

"How would you feel about talking to Freed?" Gray asked suddenly, realizing that they would be a much better resource than he could ever be. "You met them at New Year's, they're non-binary which isn't quite the same but they have more experience with gender stuff. They volunteer at the Pride Center, so they might be able to help you better than I can." Ryos nodded hesitantly. "I'm not the most helpful person ever, I'm sorry."

"No, its… fine, its good." Ryos said quietly. "You're… I trust you. I think I just needed to talk about it." Gray felt a warmth flicker in his chest at the admission – the same feeling he got when Sylvie told him that she loved him.

"That means a lot to me," Gray said honestly, draining the rest of his coffee and shoving the empty cup in the cup holder. "Do you want my phone number? You can text me if you ever need to talk." Ryos nodded, digging in his pocket for his phone and handing it to Gray to. "I'll put Freed's in here too, but we can talk to them tonight if you'd like?"

"I don't want everyone else to know," Ryos said uncertainly.

"Once we turn on the video games, everyone will be preoccupied," Gray promised. "But it's entirely up to you." He handed Ryos' phone back, then turned the car keys over in his hand. "Ready to go? Natsu's actually not bad at cooking; once he realized that food doesn't have to come from a box, he's been kind of crazy about it." Gray rolled his eyes fondly while Ryos laughed.

"Yeah, I'm ready." Ryos sat up again, tugging his hair out of its ponytail, running his fingers through the knots, then tying it up again. Gray started up the car and merged back out onto the highway, then headed down the road towards the ocean.

"So," Gray said, turning off the radio. "Tell me about this play."

* * *

"He's a pretty cool kid," Natsu said. He leaned against Gray, lazily tossing pieces of popcorn into his mouth. Gray followed his gaze to where Freed and Ryos were standing in the kitchen, far enough away that he couldn't hear their conversation. Ryos glanced over at him and gave him a shy half-smile before turning back to Freed.

"Mmm. Makes me feel old," Gray admitted, feeling Natsu laugh against his chest. They were curled up in the corner of the couch, Gray's arm wrapped around Natsu, watching Laxus and Ever deep in conversation over the game they were going to be playing. Bix was running his fingers over the rules and occasionally correcting their conversation.

When Gray had returned, Ryos had been shy at first, trying to sit in the farthest corner of the couch away from everyone else. Eventually he had been dragged into a debate between Bix and Natsu over which Star Trek series was the best, and Gray found them half an hour later, Ryos vehemently defending 'Deep Space Nine.'

"He likes you, though," Natsu murmured, letting out a deep sigh and relaxing against Gray. "All kids do. I have never seen a kid not like you." Gray snorted, shifting his position so that he could run a hand through Natsu's hair. "You're so patient."

"'s 'cause I know I can give them back when I'm tired of babysitting," Gray mumbled, feeling the tug of exhaustion pulling him further into the couch. Work had been busier lately, and between that, group, and actually having a social life for the first time in a long time, he was exhausted.

Gray's phone buzzed again and he grumbled, shuffling on the couch to tug it out of his pocket. He peered at it, realizing it was a text from Gajeel.

 _dude im freakin out this is terryfing fuck birth is scary. is ryos ok?_

 _He's fine,_ Gray replied, typing awkwardly with one hand. _We're at Freed's playing board games. Is Levy okay?_ He could picture Gajeel pacing up and down the hospital hallway, tearing out his hair every time Levy was in pain. His thumb hesitated over the keypad, then started typing again. _Can we bring you anything?_

 _nah im good the coffee here is shit but its ok and levy got some pain drugs so its good_. There was a pause, then another message popped up. _ryos might be pissed about sleeping at your place, hes got stuff goin on so im sorry if hes rude dont take it personaly._

Grey chewed his lip, only realizing that he'd stopped stroking Natsu's hair when he was gently headbutted. He laughed, twining his fingers through the pink strands again and contemplating his reply. He assumed that Gajeel meant that Ryos was worried about him and Natsu finding out he was trans if he slept at their place, but they'd already had that discussion in the car. Was it okay for him to tell Gajeel that Ryos told him?

"I gotta go talk to Ryos," he said, leaning down and kissing Natsu's cheek. Natsu made a soft sound of protest but let Gray wriggle out from under him. Gray made his way toward the kitchen, leaning across the counter.

"How's it going?" he asked.

"Wonderful!" Freed replied. "I was just telling Ryos about the summer camp I volunteered at, and he thinks it might be a good fit for him this year." Ryos blushed but didn't disagree. He glanced up at Gray and smiled.

"Freed says there's workshops and stuff at... the Pride Center," he said shyly, "and they teach the stuff I didn't learn in school." His ears got pinker. "And they have a youth group and stuff."

"We were just figuring out logistics," Freed added, turning back to Ryos. "I can pick you up and bring you, if you'd like. It's on my way."

Their conversation faded into the background as Gray was suddenly hit by a memory of his mom.

 _"T'es pas ma maman," six-year-old Gray hiccupped, wiping tears from his eyes. He held a sheet of paper in his hand from school, neon pink with the words 'Fête familiale' stamped across the top. It was still difficult to speak to Ur – Gray had spent the last year holed up in his room, refusing to talk to anyone. And now he was starting kindergarten, a year older than everyone else, and his parents were gone and couldn't come to the Family Festival. "Leonard said only mamans and papas are family."_

 _"Oh, mon lapin," Ur said softly, crouching down in front of him and wiping at his face with her sleeve. "Leonard is wrong. Family can be anyone who loves you." She placed a hand on Gray's cheek and smiled at him. "I can't imagine how sad you are about maman and papa. I miss them too. They were my best friends."_

 _Gray's lip shook and he squeezed his eyes shut, but it only made the tears come harder. He didn't resist when Ur tugged him into a hug, stroking his hair and rocking him gently back and forth._

 _"I love you, Gray," Ur said, placing a kiss on his hair. "Ultear loves you. Lyon does too, he just has a funny way of showing it." Gray sniffed and wiped at his nose again. "Grandmaman and grandpapa love you. Tante Ophélie loves you. Bisou loves you!" She gestured at the black lab that sat on the floor, tail thumping against the hardwood. "These are all your family, sweetheart."_

 _Gray frowned, trying to process her words. The paper in his hands trembled, and he eventually held it out to Ur. She smoothed out the creases and read it over, smiling._

 _"Would you like me to come to this?" she asked gently, and Gray nodded, clutching her sleeve._

 _"Aunty Ur..." His voice was hesitant, and he kept his eyes on the ground. He knew Lyon had been adopted by Ur as well, when he was much younger, but he never called her 'Aunty.' Gray had been holding on to maman and papa, but maybe he could let Ur be family too. "Can I call you mom?"_

Present-day Gray tried to keep himself from tearing up as he thought of his mom's face, the gentle way she spoke to him, the kindness and unconditional love she showed. Looking back to Ryos and Freed, he could see that same acceptance, and it tugged his lips up into a smile.

"Gray? You okay?" Ryos looked at him, concerned, and Gray shook off the memory, focusing on the present.

"Yeah... yes," Gray said. "Gajeel just texted me, Levy's doing fine but he's freaking out a bit." Ryos snorted.

"He's a drama queen," Ryos replied, and Gray watched Freed suppress a snicker. "I'm glad she's okay though."

"He made a comment about you not wanting to stay at our place," Gray began carefully, watching Ryos' face. Ryos looked puzzled, then his eyes widened.

"Oh! Oh, um... you can... tell him it's fine?" He shifted a bit in his position on the countertop. "Just tell him I told you and he'll back off. He's just protective, that's all." Ryos looked embarrassed but also somewhat proud. "He acts like a dick, but he's... he's not. He's a good brother."

Gray smiled and sat down on one of the stools, letting Freed and Ryos go back to their conversation about the youth group.

 _It's okay,_ he typed out to Gajeel. _Ryos told me about being trans and we've figured it all out. He's actually talking to Freed right now about a youth group at the Pride Center. He seems really excited._

Gajeel didn't reply for a few minutes, and Gray started to wonder if there was some sort of big-brother rage coming his way.

 _he told you?_

 _Yeah, when we were driving back from the school._

 _wow. your the only person hes told besides me. levy doesnt even know._

Gray blinked. He glanced back over at Ryos again and watched him wave his hands animatedly while Freed laughed at whatever he was saying.

 _I'm glad he felt comfortable enough to tell me_ , Gray replied eventually. _He's a good kid._ Then, hoping it wasn't too weird, he added, _You're a good brother. And you're gonna be a great dad._

 _I dunno why your so nice to me now but thanks man,_ Gajeel replied. _I was such a dick but I wanna be a good roll model for ryos and the baby. tell ryos ill call him tomorrow when the babys here._

 _Will do,_ Gray typed. _Now go take care of your girlfriend._ Gajeel replied with a thumbs-up emoji, which made Gray roll his eyes. Every text he got from Natsu was full of those stupid things; he was pretty sure he knew them all off by heart.

Shoving his phone back in his pocket, Gray headed back to the couch, nudging Natsu to sit up so he could slip behind him again. Natsu sighed happily, leaning back against Gray and tipping his head back to gaze at him.

"Everything okay?" he asked, squeezing Gray's thigh. Gray hummed an affirmative, then leaned back against the couch, letting the solid weight of Natsu and the background chatter of his friends – his family – lull him to sleep.

* * *

 **French Translations**  
Ça va = you okay?  
J'irai bien = I'll be fine  
T'es pas ma maman = you're not my maman  
Fête familiale = Family Festival  
mon lapin = my bunny (term of endearment for children)


	32. chapter 32

_every new beginning comes  
_ _from some other beginning's end  
_ \- semisonic, "closing time"

The last day of group came faster than Natsu had expected. January was almost over, and the snow was melting in the streets, making way for the cherry blossoms that would soon be blooming. They were planning on celebrating tonight with another party at Laxus' grandfather's place, but Natsu was still feeling uneasy about their last session together.

Humming to himself, he tried to chase the thoughts away by making pancakes while Gray was swimming. Natsu hadn't ever cooked much at Don's, and Don had never made anything that wasn't from a box, so Natsu had spent the last four years eating ramen and microwave dinners. Gray was slowly teaching him how to cook, but Natsu had never made pancakes before.

Plugging in his iPod and tying an apron over his bare chest, Natsu began to mix the ingredients together, hips swaying as he moved to the fridge to grab the eggs and milk. Following the recipe was reassuring, measuring and pouring and then warming the pan. The rhythm of the music slowly chased away the fears curled up in his chest, and he started to sing along.

 _We were victims of the night, the chemical, physical kryptonite_  
 _helpless to the bass and the fading light_  
 _oh, we were born to get together, born to get together_

A brief mental image of himself, curled up on the floor of Don's kitchen, broken glass shaking in his hand, flashed through his head. Natsu took a deep breath, inhaling the strong scent of coffee and trying to distract himself like his therapist recommended. This wasn't Don's kitchen. This was Gray's – no, _his_ and Gray's kitchen. He wasn't hiding or hurting himself. He was making pancakes for his boyfriend.

A pair of cold hands settled on his hips and Natsu yelped as Gray leaned over and kissed his neck. His cheeks flushed with embarrassment, but he refused to let Gray break his rhythm. Instead, he grabbed Gray's hands, winking at him flirtatiously, and pulled him closer.

 _oh, don't you dare look back, just keep your eyes on me_  
 _I said you're holding back, he said shut up and dance with me_  
 _this person is my destiny, he said mmhmmm_  
 _shut up and dance with me_

Natsu tugged Gray's arm in front of him and then spun him outward across the kitchen, catching his fingers at the last minute and twirling him back against his chest. He felt a laugh bubble out of him, trying to remember the last time he had danced. Natsu leaned over and flipped a pancake with one hand, then returned to Gray, pulling him back in for a kiss while he guided Gray's hips.

"You need to loosen up a bit," Natsu murmured in Gray's ear, fingers hovering over the waistband of Gray's sweatpants. He rolled his hips suggestively, then grinned and pulled back, returning to the stove.

"You're a tease," Gray replied, moving to stand behind Natsu. He rested his head on Natsu's shoulder, wrapping his arms around Natsu's waist. "You made me pancakes?"

"I _attempted_ to make you pancakes," Natsu corrected, gesturing at the plate. "I make no guarantees as to how they taste. Did you remember to get real cream for the coffee when you went for groceries?" Gray rolled his eyes – he used almond milk, which Natsu insisted was not an acceptable substitute for half-and-half.

"Yes, dear," Gray grumbled, pressing a kiss to the back of Natsu's neck and moving over to the fridge, taking out the syrup and the cream. He set everything on the counter and poured them both a mug of coffee, then settled himself onto a kitchen stool and waited for Natsu to finish with the pancakes.

They ate breakfast in comfortable silence, twining their feet together under the stools and nudging each other gently to pass the cream or blueberries. Despite his uncertainty, Natsu's pancakes were amazing, and Gray ate way more than was necessary.

"You ready for today?" Gray asked. He gazed at Natsu, head cocked to the side. "Feels weird, doesn't it?"

"Feels like it's been a lot longer than two months," Natsu replied, mouth full of pancakes. "Everyone's changed so much." Gray hummed in agreement, sipping at his coffee.

"It's gonna be weird not to see everyone all the time," Gray said eventually, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. "I mean, they all feel like…"

"Family?" Natsu suggested. Gray nodded, running his fingers over the design on his mug. "Yeah. But I mean, it's not like we'll never see them again."

It was true – they had all already been spending time together outside of group. He and Gray had agreed to volunteer at the youth camp that Ryos was attending this summer, and Freed would be there too. Natsu had invited Lucy to bring Kaden out to the park with him, Gray and Ultear's kids last weekend, which had ended with everyone exhausted and spending the afternoon napping. Plus, the two of them had spent Friday night over at Gajeel and Levy's, helping Ryos babysit new baby Kiya while her parents got some much-needed sleep.

"I think it's just… it feels safe," Gray said finally, draining the rest of his coffee and standing to clear the counter. Natsu leaned over and wrapped an arm around his waist, kissing Gray on the cheek. Gray smiled and rested his head on Natsu's. "It's safe and we know everyone, and now everything is going to change."

* * *

The common room at the Youth Center hummed with an anticipatory energy. Lucy sprawled across the couch, head in Cana's lap, while Erza lounged on the floor across from Natsu. Gajeel was asleep with his head in his arms, and Laxus and Gray talked animatedly about something in the corner of the room. Natsu sighed happily, stretching his feet out and bumping Erza's ankle.

"Hello everyone!" Mira bustled into the room, arms full of papers that she dropped on the closest table. She blew a few stray strands of hair out of her face, then put her hands on her hips and surveyed the room. "How's everyone feeling?" A mumble of half-hearted okays filled the room. "You're all enthusiastic this morning," she teased, tying her hair back and leaning against the desk. "Aren't you all looking forward to being done group?"

"…not really," Laxus said honestly, leaning back in his chair. He kicked Gajeel under the table, who jumped, startled. "I kinda got used to it."

"That's a common reaction," Mira reassured them, smiling gently. "Humans take comfort in ritual, in patterns, in sameness. But the only way we can grow is by facing adversity, accepting hardship, and becoming stronger because of it."

"Haven't we all had enough hardship?" Gajeel grumbled, tugging a hand through his tangled hair. Dark circles ringed his eyes, and Gray was pretty certain he was wearing the same shirt as yesterday.

"Agreed," Natsu said, kicking his feet up on a beanbag chair. He grinned at Gray, who rolled his eyes.

"If only it were that easy," Mira said gently. She shuffled through the stack of papers next to her, then fanned them out and began handing them to everyone. "These are your needs and wants that you all handed in from the first day of group. I would like to go over them, and then talk about your plans for the future."

Natsu looked down at the sheet of paper in his hand, then laughed out loud. Mira raised an eyebrow at him.

"Would you like to go first, Natsu?" she asked. He snorted, rubbing a hand over his face.

"No, it's just… this one wasn't my real goal, but I still achieved it." He grinned at Gray. _"What I really want,"_ he read from the paper. _"Is this hot guy's phone number."_ Gray groaned in embarrassment, dropping his face into his arms. _"And maybe a date where I can get him to smile."_

"I think that should count," Lucy chimed in, high-fiving Natsu from the couch. Mira gave them both a mildly exasperated look, and Natsu waved his hand apologetically.

"I'll go first for real," Gray grumbled, glaring at his boyfriend. "I said that I wanted people to stop asking if I'm okay." He hesitated, chewing on his lip. "I'm okay with that now. I know that it's… coming from a good place, y'know?" Everyone nodded. "So… yeah. What I needed then was to let my sister help me, and I have."

"And what about now?" Mira asked. "What's your goal leaving group?" Gray contemplated the question for a moment before answering.

"I want to keep letting people into my life," he said quietly. "I want to go back to school, keep working, maybe travel. Learn how to be okay with myself." He exhaled, and Natsu was tempted to move over to grab his hand. He stayed where he was though, and Gray looked over to him with a smile on his face.

"Wonderful, Gray. You've come so far." Mira lifted up another piece of paper and handed it to him. "The district will print your actual diploma, so this is just a placeholder. To show you all how proud I am of you." Gray took the certificate, his face carefully neutral as he scanned it. Natsu knew that look – it was Gray's _I'm-embarrassed-that-I'm-actually-getting-emotional-about-this_ expression.

"I'll go next," Lucy offered. "I wanted to go home to Kaden and needed to stand up to my dad. Now I'm in my own place, and my ex and I have figured out custody. My dad and I are talking again, but I'm not letting him control me anymore." She played with the ring on her pinkie finger. "I'm gonna start courses at the teen parents' center soon, and try to figure out what I want to do with my life."

"I wanted to play music," Erza said after Lucy had accepted her certificate from Mira. "And ignore my responsibilities. And I needed to set better boundaries. I've learned a lot about healthy relationships, and I know I'll be able to use those skills to make good decisions. I'm trying to find a job now, and keep writing music."

"I wanted to be away from here," Laxus laughed, tapping his fingers on the paper. "Wanted to be with my friends. But now I have friends there and here." Natsu smiled, thinking of their Saturday evenings spent playing games, watching Laxus slip into a softer version of himself around Freed. "I needed to move in with Gramps and I did. I'm starting school in a couple weeks, gonna be an electrician."

Cana sighed, staring at her paper with a strange look on her face. Lucy looked up at her and grabbed her hand, rubbing her fingers over Cana's knuckles.

"Back then I wanted a drink," Cana said quietly. "And I still do. That's… I haven't beat that one. Dunno if I will for a long time."

"Addictions are difficult demons," Mira said, voice gentle. "Nobody expects you to be one hundred percent overnight. Or even after two months."

"Yeah," Cana conceded. "And I have learned better ways of dealing. I haven't had a drink since before Christmas, which doesn't seem like a big deal…"

"It is a big deal," Natsu interrupted, leaning forward. "It's a big deal, and we're all really proud of you." He could feel his scars rubbing underneath his long-sleeved shirt – he knew how important those days were.

"Thank you." Cana's face flushed red, but she continued. "I'm registered to go back to school in a few weeks, which is gonna be shitty but I'm gonna do it. I don't wanna fuck up again."

There was a silence in the room, and Natsu imagined that everyone was thinking the same thing. Eventually he realized it was just him and Gajeel left to share.

"Guess it's my turn for real," he said, grinning. "Although I did get the cute boy's number _and_ a date, and more than one smile, so I think that should count for something."

"Oh my god, shut up," Gray mumbled, cheeks flushed red. "What are your _real_ goals, you ass?"

"Okay, okay," Natsu said, glancing down at the paper. "I, uh…" his mood suddenly took a sharp downturn. "I wanted people to trust me." There was a heavy silence, and Natsu rolled his lip ring between his teeth. "And then I went and did some stupid shit that probably made that pretty hard. But… I'm getting there. I trust myself now. I'm counting too," he said, glancing over and making eye contact with Cana. He gestured at his arm. "Thirty-nine days."

"That's wonderful, Natsu," Mira said. She pulled her shawl tighter around her shoulders. "And what's your goal moving forward?"

"Oh. I've got lots." Natsu thought back to his most recent appointment with his psychiatrist where they'd had a very similar discussion. "Keep taking my meds, go to my appointments, ask for help when I need it, let people help me." He could feel Gray looking at him, but he kept his eyes on the uneven pattern of the carpet. "I'm going back to school like Laxus. And starting a job tomorrow. I just… I guess my goal is to not get to… to that point again. Where I hurt myself. Or worse."

Gray moved over, sliding down on the floor next to Natsu and putting an arm around his shoulders. Natsu hadn't realized that he'd been crying until then, and he managed to laugh through his tears. Gray leaned his head against Natsu's and rubbed his back soothingly.

"Those are wonderful goals, Natsu," Mira said, smiling and turning to look at Gajeel. Everyone followed her gaze to see him fast asleep again, snoring softly and drooling onto the desk.

"No," Gray interrupted before Natsu could say anything.

"I wasn't gon—"

"You were going to suggest we draw a dick on his face because you are twelve years old," Gray retorted, rolling his eyes. Natsu tried to pout, but it turned into a laugh.

"Why don't we let him sleep?" Mira suggested as Laxus draped Gajeel's jacket over his shoulders. She hopped up until she was sitting on the desk and glanced around the room. "You are a phenomenal group of young people who have been given terrible situations to overcome. I know that society doesn't always understand what you're going through, and they label you with names and assumptions that you don't deserve. If no other adult in your life tells you that they're proud of you, I will."

Natsu sniffed a few times, scrubbing his face with the back of his hand. Gray's arm tightened around his shoulder, and he let himself relax into the embrace.

"I've only known you for two months, but you have all done more self-improvement in that time than most people do in their entire life." Her eyes moved around the room, lingering on each one of them long enough to give them a meaningful look. "Don't stop here. Keep improving. Keep being better. I know you can do it, especially if you help each other. The relationships you've made here are far more important than any worksheet, art project, or poem that you've created." She gave them all a bright smile, then gestured around the room. "I have nothing else to give you. Go out in the world and be wonderful."

* * *

"Can we go to the beach?" Natsu stared out the window the car, conscious of Gray's questioning gaze. He was wearing one of Gray's too-big hoodies, and he pulled the sleeves over his hands. It felt safe, like a cocoon.

"Sure," Gray said softly, reaching over to grab Natsu's hand. "I mean, it's three in the morning and January, but sure." Natsu didn't respond, just rested his forehead against the window as Gray turned onto the next road toward the ocean. "Anywhere in particular?"

"The pier," Natsu said. He felt Gray's fingers tighten around his, and he knew that Gray was thinking of their night on the abandoned boat under the stars.

Natsu sighed, rolling down his window and letting the cool breeze fill the car. Today had been hard. After group, they had gone home and he had fallen asleep with his head in Gray's lap, napping until they'd left for the Laxus' place. The party itself had been bittersweet. They all knew that it wasn't the last time they would see each other, but something about it had felt final, which led to everyone staying way later than was necessary.

After a few minutes they pulled up to the pier and Gray turned off the car. Natsu sat for a moment, listening to the crash of the surf and feeling it in his chest. He turned to Gray, pulling their hands up to his lips and kissing Gray's knuckles.

"Come with me," he said softly, pushing open his door and stepping out into the sand.

They both kicked off their socks and shoes and rolled up their pants, then made their way down to the edge of the water. Natsu shivered as the surf rolled over his feet. He felt like it was dragging him into the ocean, and he stood there for a moment, letting the sensation overwhelm him.

"I died at the hospital, didn't I?"

It wasn't what he'd meant to ask, but once the words left his mouth it felt right. Gray didn't reply for a moment.

"They wouldn't tell me anything," he said finally, wading out a bit further into the water. "They just kept saying they were trying to stabilize you, but… in the ambulance, you looked…" His voice wavered a bit. "I kept asking, and asking…" He sighed, then finally answered the question. "Yeah, I think so."

"I had a dream about it," Natsu said softly, leaning down and running his fingers through the sand. "I was drowning, and something was dragging me down." He looked up to see Gray gazing at him curiously. "Someone pulled me out. It was you… but not you."

"Me?" Gray looked puzzled.

"Mm. You brought me here, to the beach, and you told me I was dying." Natsu put a hand on his chest, remembering the icy feeling that had flooded through him. "You had the wrong voice."

Gray stepped forward and grabbed Natsu's hand, not even flinching as a larger wave broke on the beach and crashed around their ankles, soaking the bottoms of their rolled-up pants.

"You told me I was running out of time," Natsu said softly, exhaling as Gray leaned into him, pressing a kiss to his cheek. "And…" His voice caught and Gray tipped his head so they were looking at each other. Natsu shivered. He remembered blood, and cold, and not being able to feel. "I said I wasn't ready."

"Good," Gray whispered, tugging Natsu in for a kiss. It was slow and soft, and Natsu let himself feel every inch of Gray pressed against him. After a moment he pulled back and placed his hands on Gray's hips.

"I need to ask you something stupid," Natsu whispered, looking out to the shadows of the abandoned ships floating on the waves. It felt like forever ago that he'd woken up there, watching the sunrise and wondering when he was going to eat next.

"I'm sure it's not that stu—"

"I need you to teach me how to swim," Natsu interrupted. Gray was silent for a second, then laughed, pressing his nose into Natsu's hair.

"That's not stupid, I can—"

"Now," Natsu said. Gray blinked.

"Like… right now?" Gray looked around them. The only light came from the car's headlights and the lamp hanging on the dock, and nobody was around.

"Yeah." Natsu chewed on his lip ring nervously. He'd had no idea they would end up here when they'd left Laxus' place, but now that they were standing in the surf, it felt… important. Necessary.

"Okay," Gray said. Natsu blinked as Gray let go of his hands, stepping out of the surf and tugging his sweater over his head. "We'd better put our clothes in the car so they don't get wet."

"Wait… seriously?" Natsu's chest warmed as he watched his boyfriend wriggle out of his clothes until he was only wearing his boxers. He'd even ditched his shirt and was now shivering, holding his bundle of clothing in front of his chest.

"Hurry up, I'm gonna freeze to death unless we get in the water soon."

Several minutes later they were both in their underwear, clothes stashed safely in the car, wading out into the surf. Natsu gasped as a larger wave rolled in, crashing into his knees and splashing up onto his chest.

"Fuck, that's cold," he hissed, clutching Gray's forearms. Gray laughed, tugging him deeper into the waves.

"I'd like to remind you that this was your idea," Gray said, crouching slightly so that the water came up to his chest. "And also point out that teaching someone to swim in the ocean, _in the dark,_ is probably not the best way to do this, so please, whatever you do, _do not let go of me."_ Natsu complied eagerly, stumbling into Gray's chest and clinging to him as the water crashed around them.

"Bleh." Natsu spit out a mouth full of salt water, making a face at the taste. "You're right, this was a terrible idea."

"C'mere," Gray said softly. He tugged Natsu closer to him, pulling him until his back was flush with Gray's chest and his head was on Gray's shoulder. Gray wrapped his arms around Natsu's waist, nudging his legs until they were off the ocean floor. He slowly moved out into the deeper water, turning them to face the beach. "Kick your legs."

"I feel stupid," Natsu grumbled, but he followed Gray's instructions, kicking his feet to keep his chest above water. Slowly, Gray began to loosen his grip, until he had one hand on the small of Natsu's back and the other under Natsu's head. The sensation of weightlessness was terrifying and exhilarating.

"There – you're floating." Gray's voice was gentle. Natsu shivered, feeling a tug of panic in his stomach as Gray began to slide his hand away.

"W-ait," Natsu said quickly, trying to turn. A wave crashed through suddenly, catching Natsu by surprise and hitting him in the face. Natsu's arms flew out to either side as he slid under the surface of the water, then came up just as quick.

"Hey, you're okay, you're okay," Gray soothed, pulling Natsu toward him and helping him brush the seawater from his face. Natsu sputtered, wrapping his arms around himself and glaring at the water. "Are you okay?"

"F-fine," Natsu muttered, cuddling closer to Gray's chest and feeling infinitely more comfortable with Gray's arms wrapped around him. "J-just scared me." He shivered, feeling somehow defeated. An ache of disappointment began to spread through him, but it was halted by Gray's words in his ear.

"I'll keep you safe." His lips brushed Natsu's cheek as he wrapped his arms tighter around Natsu's torso. "I won't let you get hurt. Trust me." Gray began to place soft kisses down Natsu's neck, hands moving down to press into his lower back. Natsu made a soft sound, tugging Gray's hair until they were kissing. The salt water tasted terrible, but Gray's mouth was soft and warm, and Natsu threaded his fingers into Gray's hair.

"You're not alone anymore," Gray murmured, nipping at Natsu's bottom lip. As a wave came up behind them, he wrapped his arms around Natsu's waist, lifting him easily over the swell. "I won't let you drown."

"I love you," Natsu murmured, burying his face in Gray's chest. He hadn't said it since the letter-reading incident at Freed's, but it rolled off his tongue and he couldn't stop himself. Then, thinking back to what little he remembered from French classes, he added, _"je t'aime."_ Gray made a choked sound, wrapping his hand around the back of Natsu's head and kissing his hair.

 _"Je t'aime aussi, mon coeur,"_ he whispered. "I love you, too." They weathered another few waves, shivering against each other under the moon. "Why don't we get out of here," Gray suggested after a moment. "I have a towel in the trunk, we can dry off and go home and I'll make tea. I'll teach you how to swim in the pool tomorrow."

"You're perfect," Natsu murmured as he let Gray pull him away from the ocean and onto the beach. The sand clung to their feet as they ran back to the car, toweling off quickly and shimmying back into their clothes. Gray hopped up on the hood of the car and reached out for Natsu, pulling him up and wrapping an arm around him.

"Are we gonna be okay?" Natsu asked, burying his face in Gray's chest. He couldn't shake this feeling that everything was changing, that nothing was ever going to be the same.

"We're already okay," Gray replied, running his fingers through the tangles in Natsu's hair. "It's not gonna be easier, but we're…stronger now." Natsu hummed, relaxing into the embrace. He leaned backward, looking up at the constellations and thinking of his dream.

"I'm glad you found me," he whispered, twining their fingers together. The sound of the waves and the smell of the ocean and the stars over them made him feel ethereal. Gray propped himself up on one arm and looked down at him, smiling.

"I'm glad we found each other," he replied. "You ready to go make a life together?" The question sounded both innocent and like a promise, and it flooded Natsu with warmth.

"Yes," he whispered.

"Good," Gray said. Then he leaned down and kissed Natsu, soft and sweet, like it was their first time. "Then let's go home."


	33. epilogue

**Three Years Later**  
 **Montréal, Quebec**

 _"Sylvie, sors tes pieds de le table, tout de suite."_

Sylvie stuck her tongue out at Gray but removed her feet from the table and shuffled until her legs were tucked beneath her on the couch. Gray raised an eyebrow at her and she looked contrite. _"Natsu! Es-tu prête à partir?"_

 _"Un instant!"_ Came a voice from upstairs. Gray sighed, crouching down to help Renaud with his sweater. Natsu came down the stairs a moment later, a mostly-dressed Felix sitting on his shoulders. He grinned at Gray, sidestepping a pile of toys and leaning over to kiss him.

"Ewwww," Sylvie groaned, and Natsu leaned over and tousled her head affectionately while maintaining the kiss with Gray. _"C'est dégueu!"_

"Just wait ten years," Natsu replied in his accented French, and Gray melted a little. "You might like it then!" Sylvie crossed her arms over her faded Star Wars shirt, and Natsu leaned over and kissed her on top of her head. _"Allons-y."_

After they had successful navigated all three children into their shoes, then outside and into their respective carseats, both men leaned against the rental car, taking a moment of respite. Natsu leaned his head on Gray's shoulder, humming happily when Gray wrapped an arm around him.

"What were we thinking?" Gray murmured into Natsu's hair, pulling the Natsu into his arms. Natsu looked up at him and grinned, pressing a soft kiss to Gray's lips.

"Ultear and Xavier deserve the break," he said between kisses, slipping his hands under Gray's shirt. Gray yelped in indignation at the chill, but it turned quickly to a soft sigh as Natsu began tracing circles up his back. "Plus, the kids loved _cabane à sucre_ last year."

"Mmm, but they're a year older and more monstrous now," Gray replied. "And it's a lot bigger here in Montréal than back home."

The idea of herding around a six-year-old, a five-year-old and a toddler was exhausting, but Natsu was right – his sister did deserve the break. And she had gotten them that weekend in the mountains next month (which Natsu didn't know about yet), so Gray _did_ kinda owe her.

"Plus, it's just for the day," Natsu continued, kissing down Gray's jaw. Gray made a soft sound that deepened the closer Natsu got to his ear. "After supper you're all mine."

"Mnnmmm," Gray replied, lost in the feeling of Natsu's lips on his neck. This was never going to get old. "But we have to get through dinner with grand-maman and grand-papa and Tante Ophélie and her boyfriend first." Even though Natsu's French had improved tremendously over the last three years, Gray knew he still got overwhelmed on these trips, especially at family dinners.

"I'll just hide in the bathroom if it gets too intense." Natsu's breath tickled the hairs on Gray's neck and Gray shivered. "We'd better get going." Natsu pressed one last kiss to Gray's cheek before snagging the keys from his pocket and slipping into the driver's seat. Gray rolled his eyes, then hesitated for a moment with his hand on the door.

"I have to do something," he said quietly, giving Natsu a quick smile. "I forgot something upstairs. I'll be right back." Natsu nodded to him, already mediating a disagreement between Sylvie and Renaud.

Gray ran back into his grandparent's house and took the stairs back up to the guest bedroom, closing the door behind him. Taking a deep breath, he walked over to the bedside table and lifted up a sheet of paper that had been folded and hurriedly tucked under a bowl of decorative fruit. He unfolded the letter and ran his hands over it, skimming it one last time.

 _Lyon,_

 _I think I have some idea how you felt those years ago when you first wrote to me. I don't know how many times I've written and rewritten this over the past few months, trying to get it right. I don't know if I ever can get it right, but here goes._

 _I'm writing this from grand-maman and grand-papa's place – actually, in the old room you and I used to share when we'd come here for summer sleepovers. The wall still has our stupid graffiti carved into it, and grand-maman never threw out those Star Trek blankets we had, so I've got one wrapped around my legs. The other is covering Natsu, who is snoring so loud I'm surprised he hasn't woken up the kids._

 _He's one of the reasons I'm writing. We kinda met because of you, and while I don't subscribe to that whole "everything happens for a reason" bullshit philosophy, I'm glad it all led to him. We've been together for three years now – it's kind of a convoluted story, but the gist of it is that we both had (have) demons and we found each other in the battle. You'd have liked him, I think. He's impetuous and loyal and stubborn and incredibly kind-hearted. Ultear says he's good for me and I kinda believe her._

 _Anyway, we're here visiting grand-maman and grand-papa, and this year Ultear and Xavier brought the kids for cabane à sucre and somehow roped Natsu and I into taking them. Unfortunately for Ultear, we're basically going to give them all a bunch of sugar and hand them back after dinner. I have plans for the rest of the night._

 _Natsu thinks we're just here for fun, which is true, but what he doesn't know is that I've got a ring in my pocket, and tonight I'm taking him to the beach at Parc Jean-Drapeau to propose to him. I'm terrified, which is stupid because I know he's going to say yes, but... I feel like nothing will change, and everything will change._

 _So… that's something you'll miss. Me getting married, I mean. We won't make a big deal out of it – Natsu's not like that – but you won't be there. I always thought you'd be my best man. That honor is going to go to my friend Freed (although they'll be 'best person')._

 _I guess one of the things I'm most angry about is that you're just not here. And you haven't been, for a long time. You stopped being my brother long before you shot me._

 _I feel like this letter is all over the place, but I do have a point that I'm trying to make. I was in a therapy group for a while, they talked about forgiveness a lot. I hated you so much that I felt like I could never forgive you. But… if I'm planning on making a life with the man I love, I can't drag all this anger and resentment around with me forever._

 _So… I forgive you. And it's not because you've apologized a hundred times – I have read all your letters – or because you've acknowledged what you did. Those things are important, but I'm forgiving you because I want to be happy. I'm forgiving you because when I hate you, I'm still holding on to all the bitterness and anger I have for you. And I need to let that go. I need to let you go. You don't belong in my life anymore._

 _Goodbye, Lyon. Please don't write to me again._

 _Gray_

Gray's hands shook as he folded the letter carefully, shoving it into an envelope that he'd had Ultear address for him a few months ago. He hesitated, wiping at the tears that had formed in his eyes, before sealing it.

Before he could change his mind, Gray raced back down the stairs, out the front door, past the car, and skidded to the stop at the mailbox. He held the letter near the envelope slot for a few seconds, breathing shallowly and feeling panic creep up his chest.

 _Fuck it,_ he thought, shoving the envelope in the slot and taking a step back from the mailbox. There. It was done. He felt something in his chest lighten a bit, an invisible tether between him and Lyon severed.

"Gray! I've got three antsy kids who need sugar pies and maple syrup here!" Natsu was leaning out the window of the car, looking fucking gorgeous as usual, with a big grin on his face. "You comin' or what?"

Gray laughed, jogging back across the street and opening the passenger door, then sliding into his seat. He leaned over and kissed Natsu again – to Sylvie's chagrin – then slid his hand down Natsu's arms and twined their fingers together.

"Uncle Gray, are you okay?" Renaud frowned up at him and Gray leaned back, flashing the kids a wide smile.

"Yeah," he said, tracing the outline of the ring in his pocket. He couldn't wait until later tonight. "Yeah, I really, really am."

* * *

 **French Translations**  
Sylvie, sors tes pieds de le table, tout de suite = Sylvie, get your feet off the table right now  
Es-tu prête à partir? = Are you ready to go?  
Un instant! = Just a second!  
C'est dégueu! = That's gross!  
Allons-y = Let's go


	34. update & preview

So, there is new content, I promise I didn't just post this with nothing else. :) I've spent the last two months revising and editing 'crash & burn', and I've added two new chapters (chapters 5 & 6), as well as extra content throughout the story. It's been awesome to go back to one of my very first stories and rework it - I've had a great time with it.

In addition, I've been working on a sequel! There are already two other novels in the "the only hope for me is you" series - i'd rather be a riot than indifferent (fraxus and gratsu, complete) and let's hear it for the boy (stingue, ongoing). - Obviously there are several other one-shots, but this next fic is going to be a gratsu-focused sequel to 'crash & burn'.

I hope you enjoy the new chapters, and here's the preview!

* * *

 **we are unbreakable**

"How can you possibly need to pee _again?"_ Gray looked over at Natsu, fond look of exasperation on his face. Natsu shrugged, grinning innocently. "Seriously, we've only been driving for..." Gray glanced at his watch. "Four hours. And you've made me stop three times."

"I can't help it!" Natsu argued, unfolding his legs and yawning. "Too much coffee." Gray snorted, flicking on the signal light and pulling off the highway into the small town of Golden. It was the same as the last three tiny places they'd stopped in – a single gas station, two or three restaurants, and a hotel. The mountains stretched high above the town, deep green and heavily forested.

"We might as well get gas," Gray said as he pulled into the station parking lot, wincing at the prices. _"Câlice,_ it's expensive here. All right, go take your break." Natsu leaned over and pressed a kiss to Gray's cheek.

"Love you, Snowflake," he said. Gray huffed, then turned and returned the kiss as he unbuckled his seatbelt.

"Love you too. Take your garbage with you." Gray gestured to the myriad of candy wrappers and chip bags that littered Natsu's side of the car – even after eleven years of marriage he had a hard time believing how much food Natsu could eat. "And get me something."

"Sweet or salty?" Natsu collected the garbage and shoved it all into a chip bag, then headed toward the gas station.

"Surprise me!" Gray called after him, getting out to fill up the car.

Natsu pushed the door to the gas station open, tossing his garbage in the trash can inside the door. His eyes skipped over the racks of candy – perfect, they had Gray's favorite. He made his way through the aisles and ended up in the lineup at the bathroom.

 _Ping_. His phone vibrated in his pocket and he glanced down at it, leaning against the wall. It was a message from Lucy.

 _How's the trip so far? Did Gray manage to get you out of bed at 5:30?_ Natsu laughed under his breath, fingers flying across the keys.

 _ya but he cheated, cold hands._ He yawned again, rubbing his face. _were in some tiny town. is kaden ecxited for the tri thalon?_ The door in front of him opened and he glanced up briefly, then returned to his phone. _tell him to send us pics and were proud of him._ He began to search for an emoji to add, but started when a hand reached out and touched his shoulder.

"Natsu?" A young woman was standing in front of him, maybe five or so years younger than him. Her long hair was dyed a deep blue and her brow was furrowed in confusion. "Is that you?"

"Uh... who's asking?" Natsu shrugged off the hand uncomfortably, pulling his hoodie tighter around him. He glanced around the gas station again and saw Gray, still standing by the car outside. Natsu wished he could summon Gray inside with only his thoughts.

"Natsu, it's Wendy."

Natsu blinked. He looked at the girl's face again, gaze tracing the shape of her eyes and the small scar at the corner of her mouth that he'd missed the first time. A strange tugging sensation filled his chest and he reached out almost instinctively, grasping her forearms.

"Wendy?"

...to be continued (soon)


End file.
